Tuesday, December 31, 2013

ZAKU'S 2013 IN REVIEW: WORST OF THE WORST

Ok, since everyone else has written a 2013 in review article (and it was kind of my idea to get everyone to do it in the first place), I figured I hop to it and present everyone with how I felt about 2013's KPop releases. Originally, I was going to make a superarticle with all of what I wanted to say about 2013 in it, but I realized that it was going to be too long with too much shit to load, and that's not very nice for low bandwidth or mobile users. Thus, I'm just going to start with the worst of the worst. Because all of the cool kids authors are doing it...

DISCLAIMER: My opinions are my own and do not reflect the opinions of the other authors. If you don't agree with me, w/e. If you think I'm clickbaiting, L0L0L0L0L0L GET REKT KID

Sorry not sorry, so comme des fuckdown pls
NOTE: I'm excluding all Japanese releases because those technically don't count as KPop.

akisame's Top 10 Favourite Nugu Releases of 2013

As kpopalypse has said in his previous posts: 2013 has been a real downgrade for K-Pop this year. Most of what has been released sounds like an elephant anally raping Calvin Harris whilst he produces another piece of nu-disco trash.

Most of what has been released by my favourite mainstream k-pop acts (sans IU) has generally been quite shitty this year - especially coming from the likes of SNSD. After SNSD's release of the musical atrocity that is "I Got a Personality Disorder" I sought solace in many different nugu groups. Whilst the experience could somewhat be horrific (in the case of Dal Shabet), 2013 has been a year where the nugus have released some gems. After the jump is a list of my favourite nugu songs of 2013.

Before I start, I should make a few things clear:
  • Musical composition is not my line of expertise.
  • The list is solely based on my subjective opinion and does not reflect the musical tastes of other AKF authors.
Now let's get started! 

She's not on this list since she didn't released anything in 2013.

Who did it better?

So being that the new year is just a few short hours away for some of us, I thought I would give you all some fap-worthy material to ring in 2014.

2013 Bias-List Wreckers


While a lot of Kpop fans tend to be very loyal to their favorites, I'm not like that. I don't fondly remember the past if my favorite idol is sucking it up. While there are some constants that I have liked since I have gotten into Kpop (Soyeon, Victoria, Nicole, Hyosung), others rise and fall in my bias rankings, making it hard for me to even make a yearly list of who are my favorite idols because some idols just let themselves go like that hot girl you started dating five years ago who has given up on taking care of her body and now has become a beach whale. Other idols who are a great change of pace show up and you dump the beach whale for greener pastures....and I suppose the beach whale would want to go to that pasture to graze on the grass like her new kind on the farm.

Anyway, this is just my list of who ruined my bias list, either by ruining my overall bias list or ruining group-specific bias lists. Feel free to agree/disagree and post your own lists.

KPOPALYPSE's 30 favourite k-pop songs of 2013

Well, k-pop's 2013 certainly sucked a huge amount of dick in terms of music quality, definitely a downgrade on 2012, with most established groups releasing songs of incredible suckiness.  However, there were also some jewels amongst the turds for those who cared to wade through the manure, and here's my roundup of the jewels for 2013.

eunoph copy

Be aware, this post is BIG so before you click "read more" make sure your computer or phone can handle about 30 embedded videos plus pictures and GIFs.

KPOPALYPSE's 30 worst k-pop songs of 2013

Here's the one you've been waiting for - KPOPALYPSE's worst k-pop songs of 2013 list!

This list has lots of embedded videos and could get lag-heavy.  Don't view on your mobile phone with the shitty low-megabyte data plan!

eunsu2

Also, if this post is too mean and nasty for you and you'd wish that I would write something positive and happy instead, my best k-pop songs of 2013 list is a thing that also exists so why not go and read that, you whiny fucking bitch.  Anyway, that's enough of the preamble, let's get started.

Monday, December 30, 2013

My life as a soshi manager

In our ongoing effort to bring you all the latest and greatest SNSD news I recently accepted a job as their new manager. How will I fare? How many panties will I sniff? Let's find out...

Hot sexy Xmas Raina fanfic

People have asked me to write more fanfiction, so I've succumbed to popular demand.  This story was submitted by me for a competition on OneHallyu forums, to write a Christmas-themed fanfiction.  I thought I'd write it about Raina, my #1 k-pop bias, just so my writing would have the true integrity and passion required to take out the top prize.  Text by me, illustrations by Anti Kpop-Fangirl.  I hope you all find something in it that you can enjoy.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Girl's Day's Sojin Teaser Picture


2014 already looks like it'll be a great year.

Soyeon Borrows Jessica's Wonderbra



Former BFFs Soyeon and Jessica have disclosed their affection for the best bra in the world. Soyeon, being a long-time admirer of Jessica's tits (with the wonderbra effect), inquired as to whether or not she can borrow the bra from Jessica.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Exo helped me realize how the Nazis came to power

It's what we call, "not-so-subliminal-messaging".

I never thought I'd see anything like this in my own lifetime but here we are. Exo today became the first million seller in kpop in twelve years. How are so many people duped into listening to horrible music? Well, there's precedent for such mass mind-control.

Fangirls and their Idiotic Slut-Shaming


Jessica's recent performance of Lee Hyori's "Miss Korea" sparked up the stupid fangirls to do what they do best: slut-shame. Slut-shaming isn't a new trend amongst the K-Pop community and happens every time a female idol does something that is considered "overtly sexual" by fangirls. There was a lot of slut-shaming going on when After School pole-danced and Girls' Day came out with "Expectation".

As a feminist I can understand where they're coming from. There's no doubt in my mind that women are exploited for the benefit of men in the entertainment industry, but slut-shaming totally goes against what I believe in. You don't just say that an idol is a slut, whore or a porn star just because she's acting sexy on stage or in a music video. That's totally unacceptable, especially since you don't know a thing about that idols personal life to even call her a slut.

SNSD Revisited

It is extremely apparent that I have got back into SNSD with the new Jessica layout and the front two pages of AKF being dominated with SNSD-related posts. After the early days of AKF where everyone accused of being biased towards SNSD before 637 came around and said that we were biased towards T-ara, I would have to say we have been fairly neutral towards SNSD, praising good songs like Paparazzi and shitting on terrible songs like I Got A Boy.

I have ignored SNSD since The Boys came out, just watching a Seohyun fancam here and there. I saw Yoona in Prime Minister and I and Sexica's cover of Miss Korea came out, so naturally I was getting back into the fold. Now, to alleviate any fears that AKF will return to its "SNSD-biased" days, I will give my short thoughts on just about every SNSD single/MV since the group debuted. This is to see whether or not I have reverted into being a delusional Sone, since those of you who have watched my livestreams know that I do own some SNSD albums from the days when I was a massive Sone.

The list won't be comprehensive as I can't promise that I will find every single SNSD MV on YouTube, but damn it, I'll try. Since I haven't spent more than three minutes writing an article since the BESTie Christmas story article, I guess I may as well choose this as the article of the week where I put some effort into it. I'll post some pics to break things up, and I'll link to 90% of the MVs because it would be a major lag-fest if I embedded every single MV.


Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Changes, Updates, Glitches & More

As you can see, the layout was finally updated after two years. I did make a post this March/April promising to redesign AKF, but those plans fell through. Someone offered to design the new website (we were going to move away from Blogger), but there were some problems with that. AKF is simply too big to host on a free host outside of sites like Blogger and Wordpress. Buying a host, domain names, security measures, etc. for a new site would have cost much more than I wanted to spend. I didn't want to resort to having to put ads on here or asking for donations because that's just not my style.

So, akisame, our newest author, volunteered to redesign the site. She was able to remove many of the glitches and bugs that plagued AKF, but you've probably noticed a new bug that we're trying to work out. The author names are fucked up, but everything else is working smoothly, so it's something we'll have to live with in the short term while we work on getting it fixed.

The discussion of a new commenting platform keeps coming up and it's one I keep putting off. There are authors here that want to move to Disqus, but there are others of us that are cautious of that move. I want your opinions on whether or not we should adopt Disqus, or if you have any arguments for keeping our current system, post those too.

In 2014, expect there to be fewer posts per week on average compared to 2012 and 2013. Zaku is studying to get into optometry school so he can remove people's eyeballs so that he can fuck their eyesockets, Shinbi is still studying to get into med school, and I'll either be working at a job that consumes my soul or going to graduate school. With Kpopalypse, Ahjussi, Fany Pack and Soyeon Friend being adults with full-time jobs, they'll post when they can. I don't know how much time sulli_fag will have to dedicate to AKF while sniffing buttholes full time now, but he'll be here when he can be here. Akisame is still a high school kid, so I doubt she's going to waste her youth writing all the time when she could be out toilet papering someone's yard (I miss high school for that very reason).

In 2014, I will look to add new authors. 2013 is very rare in that Kpopalypse was the only new author added until today. There will still be plenty of posts next year, but just don't expect us to cover everything out there. None of us get paid for this, not even me.

Bom and Lee Hi Brutally Slaughter the Iconic "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey


It's so bad that I didn't even want to link/post the video on here as it doesn't deserve any more listens to and I want to save your ears.

(AKF note: Everyone, welcome akisame to AKF! She runs her own site here and is what we would call a "vocalfag" around these parts. I thought having a vocalfag would be a nice counter to the "compositionfags" that we have here in Kpopalypse and Ahjussi. I guess I would just be a "visualfag" since the idols looking hot is my #1 criteria when it comes to Kpop. She has also graciously offered to fix the glitches and bugs on AKF to make it run faster and gave this site a nice face lift. Just be glad I didn't enlist the help of Bom's plastic surgeon to design the site. Enough of my rambling, read the rest of akisame's article.)

Merry Christmas, UCAADs


Monday, December 23, 2013

KPOPALYPSE’s Christmas song roundup 2013

The k-pop industry releases lots of Christmas songs every year, ensuring that song quality in the world of k-pop goes straight to hell every December.  Braving the shitstorm of rapid-fire crimes against music perpetrated by nearly every Korean label large and small, it's time for your resident k-pop grinch to round up all the Christmas songs for 2013.  I'll be listing all the efforts in chronological order that the music videos were released, giving each one a score and showing you the incredibly scientific methods used to calculate each score that I gave.

eunjb

Sometimes I want to be a backup dancer...


...then I realize I'd have to be gay or I'd lose my fucking mind.

Re: No ass/no tits

Since many of you faggots UCHOs are complaining about the lack of ass and tits from an Asian women, I feel compelled you grant your wishes. However, when it comes to this issue, IATFB oppar pretty much sums up about how I feel about all of this at the end of this article here. For those of you who don't body shame Asian females, this isn't the article for you. For those that do, well, get your lube out.

Seohyun Needs to Step Her Game Up

As you've seen all over the front page of AKF, SNSD recently put on a concert called Märchen Fantasy. We got some lovely performances from the SNSD ladies, namely:
If you've not seen them yet, you're welcome.

All wonderful fap material for their respective stans or aficionados in general, but one notable/glaring/egregious lack of fanservicey performance stands out among the rest.

Seohyun and her cover of Sixpence None the Richer's Kiss Me (here's the original if you're like me and never heard of this song before).

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MAN

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Gain just got out-Bloomed


Merry Christmas from Kpopalypse to all Anti Kpop-Fapgirl Fangirl fappers readers!.


There's a reason why Sunny got a 9/10 in my boobs blog and Gain wasn't on the chart at all.  Sunny doesn't need no goddamn bra pads TYVM.  MOAR GIFs after the jump.

UCAADs Slut Shaming Sexica



You will be playing this video as you read each statement from some of these fans. It's just a small subset of fans, as most of the people were responding about how Sexica made them turn into lesbians. Still, the slut shaming Sexica is receiving from performing Miss Korea is almost as surprising as Tony Romo winning the game against the Redskins earlier today.


SNSD's Sexica Performs Hyori's Miss Korea



I don't have to write shit This deserves its own article.

Who Is Your Miss Korea?



First world problem when it comes to choosing Miss Korea today.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Lee Yeon Hee's Shower Scene In Miss Korea



Any long-time reader of AKF knows how I've been acting like a feminist, trying to get females to have the rights to have shower scenes in Korean dramas, such as this article I wrote about two and a half years ago. After enduring so many male shower scenes, Korean dramas have finally started throwing the male viewers a bone(r) here and there, and Lee Yeon Hee is the latest to partake in expressing her God-given rights to take a shower.

Also, this is for 95% of the readers who don't care about Zaku jizzing to TOP in the article below skip to 0:59 in the video above.

TOP is One of Rolling Stone's 2013 Hottest Sex Symbols

Those of you familiar with me will know my undying love for all things TOP, but I'm not very delusional about it at all. I clearly see his (many) faults. For example:

He's a mediocre rapper (at best) who at least knows how to hype up a crowd and/or leverage his deeper register to cover his flawed/basic flows. He's a shitty dancer who can only really do a couple dance moves, and otherwise gives no shits on stage. He doesn't exactly drip sex appeal through the 2-3 layers of clothing he insists on wearing at all times. He's an alright actor whose portfolio consists of mostly typecasted stoic/troubled characters. He doesn't really do any crucial shit for Big Bang besides participate in the odd high-profile movie/CF.

All things considered, he's pretty much the Dara/Yoona/Sohee/etc of the crew -- only good for bringing in acting/CF money and looking good. But goddamn does he look good.

So you can imagine my surprise when I find out he made it onto Rolling Stone's 2013 List of Hottest Sex Symbols...
They didn't even pick one of his best pictures!!

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

BESTie Saves Christmas (And Me)



While I was on my knees, hanging on by a mere thread, a miracle had happened. I had just listened to Park Bom and Lee Hi murder a song. The song was so bad that I thought Satan must have produced the song as dark crimson blood continued to ooze out from my ear canals. I had always joked about canal rape, but I had just experienced it first hand. I wanted to apologize to Girls Generation for saying that I Got A Boy canally raped me, but that was just an exaggeration compared to what I had just experienced.

I looked ahead, staring at the sky as nightfall was quickly approaching. I didn't want to die like this. I had so much to live for. My eyelids started growing heavy as my upper body started becoming weak. I inhaled the cold-as-fucking-shit air one last time before my head became too heavy for my neck to hold any longer. As my head was diving towards the ground, I smirked, thinking to myself how I thought it was hilarious that a Kpop song had killed me instead of a delusional fangirl.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Six words that most k-pop fans don't know how to use

assho

For those of you who find yourself agreeing with this anonymous commenter above, you'll probably not be surprised to know that this is not a recent development and I've actually always been an annoying cuntfaced asshole that people hate.  One of the things that used to annoy others a lot about me when I was younger is that I actually knew how to use English properly from a really young age.  However, I might be a cunt, but I'm not a fuckin' cunt, so it's time to help k-pop fandoms everywhere and give something back, by highlighting some of the ways in which people who write and discuss k-pop use words incorrectly.

jijopy

Hwayoung to Re-debut as an Actress

HWAYOUNG'S (ON HER WAY) BACK, BITCHES

Hwayoung re: h8rs

BH - All I Want For Christmas Is You (To Murder Me)



With severe bleeding from my ears, I beg for someone to put me out of my misery.

[MV Review] SNSD - My Oh My



Last month when I was planning to review this but saw that Zaku had a draft for this review that he obviously never finished SNSD released a new music video, My Oh My, in Japan. Is it better than I Got A Boy? Would it be really fucking pathetic if it was somehow worse than IGAB? We'll find out.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Goddess Victoria Demands Not To Be Outshined


While I continue to be lazy writing articles for AKF until I take my final final that I will ever final, Goddess Victoria thought it was blasphemous that there have been articles about Jolin Tsai, Fei, Mandy Wei and Jenna Wang lately, but none of her. She told me to have an article dedicated to her or that Amber will have a nude scene in f(x)'s next comeback. Well, I had to comply, because I would be saving the world from seeing Amber flopping her wiener all over the place. Only George R.R. Martin would enjoy that MV.

Sohee makes the best decision of her life

Today it was revealed that Sohee will not be renewing her contract with JYPE when it expires December 21st.


Reasons why this is good after the jump.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Jenna Wang



After making the fapticle about Mandy Wei, I just thought it was unfair to exclude Jenna Wang, who plays the second lead female role in Deja Vu/回到爱以前. I'm all for equal opportunity and all that jazz.

Bring the girls out - a friendly and informative guide to big boobs in k-pop

After reading several astoundingly informative articles on Anti Kpop-Fangirl lately, I thought I'd better step up my game and not lose pace in the blogging information war.  So here it is - the k-pop boobs post you've all been waiting for/dreading.  I will perhaps never again deliver a post containing this much raw knowledge.  You are now about to benefit from my exhaustive research into the topic of female boob-appreciation, so I hope you appreciate it.

rese

Sunday, December 8, 2013

The Pope of Pimp bestows his grace upon a male fan

Seungri was out at an event when he spotted a lone male and was quickly overwhelmed with compassion.


"Hello ladi--Oh gracious, this poor soul... my son, come here..."


"Surely you have suffered much among these fangirls, but your sacrifice is not in vain, for I grant my blessing upon thee. May you have swagger before women in all your ways, amen."

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Mandy Wei



So, a couple of days ago I started watching the Taiwanese drama "Deja Vu/回到爱以前". I have a Chinese final coming up and I thought "Hey, watching a drama would be good for listening comprehension." I saw a teaser for the drama and thought Mandy Wei looked pretty, but after I Googled her, well, holy crap.

The 2014 FIFA World Cup Manual for Koreaboos

Alright, fangirls, I know the World Cup is about 7 months away, but it never hurts to be ready. In the vein of helpful articles we're putting out lately because we're pulling an Allkpop selling out we're so nice, I thought I'd put together a viewer's guide to the FIFA World Cup so you know exactly what's going on when you root for your oppas' favorite team.


YOU TOO CAN BE A TRUE LOVER OF THE REDS
NOTE: This is pretty fucking long too, probably will warrant a TL;DR Shorten it you dickwad from Chuck and Kpopalypse oppars... BUT I DGAF BITCHES

Friday, December 6, 2013

How To Learn Korean (Or Any Other Language) Part 2


Alright, time for the conclusion of this series. Yes, you'll understand three words in the next Japanese porno you watch.

How To Learn Korean (Or Any Other Language) Part 1

I have received this question a lot this year, so I may as well finally write a post about it for everyone who has asked me but I couldn't give them a totally in depth answer.




So, why would one learn Korean? Surely you don't want to labeled a 'Koreaboo'. However, learning Korean doesn't make one a Koreaboo automatically. Who cares about learning Korean if I already can speak English? Sure, you're pretty much set around the world if you can speak English, but the world doesn't revolve around us Anglicized mother fuckers. "Since I live in America/Canada, shouldn't I learn Spanish/French instead?" Fuck that shit. If you have no interest in a language, learning it will be more difficult than listening to idol raps. "Isn't a waste of time to learn another language?" Well, sure. However, it's a waste of time to do anything since we'll all die one day. So who the fuck cares what someone else would say about you learning a language.

There are many reasons as to why one would want to learn a language, and in the end, none of them matter to anyone else as long as you want to do it yourself. Hell, I learned Japanese to import games because NAMCO BANDAI ARE A BUNCH OF FUCKS THAT TAKE TWO YEARS TO RELEASE ANY TALES OF GAMES IN THE UNITED STATES. As long as you have a reason, even if it is to get close to your oppar, go ahead and learn a language.

Word of caution, this blog post is so long that even Kpopalypse oppar would say "tl;dr, shorten it you dickwad". It's long to the point where you'll probably have to take a break and come back and read the rest later.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Fangirls Don't Realize How Dumb They Are


God damn, talking to a mentally handicapped kid is much easier than getting through to fangirls. The delusion seems to be so strong to the point where it looks like there's no way to cure them.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

AKF is just like allkpop!


Lolololololol, it'll take a little bit to go through everything that is wrong about WhyWhyLove's statements, so go grab some popcorn or whatever you like to eat.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Project Luhan part 2: The Only Good Sasaeng...

By popular demand, a sequel to "Sasaeng Control - Project Luhan"!

If you haven't read the original, click this link and read it.  The second part won't make any sense at all if you haven't read the first part.

ex5

Monday, December 2, 2013

I'm Back, Sorta

Sup, bitches.

I know I've been gone for a while, and I've been really shitty about writing stuff and sticking to a schedule. To that end, I've decided to do a livestream again this Saturday. What time works for you all?


Zinger??????


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