I've been told that YG's CEO Yang Hyun Suk plans to debut four new groups in 2014. Wow, yay for YG fans right?
As we often know with YG, their plans don't always equate to reality, so maybe we shouldn't break out the party streamers just yet. Remember how we were supposed to get a new 2NE1 song every month from July 2013 through to October 2013?
Oh dear. Something tells me this might not end well.
If you look at the timeframe of when 2NE1's 2013 songs and videos came out, here's what we actually get:
Some reggae bullshit that only I and three other 2NE1 fans liked: July
Lame tossed-off dancefloor-by-numbers with crappy handicam MV: August
Written-on-the-toilet-seat generic stadium power ballad #59264: November
Compared to a promised span of four videos over four months, we get two and a half videos over five months ("Do You Love Me" being such a cheap piece of shit that it only counts as half an MV). This represents a performance level of 50% compared to what was promised:
Promised performance: 4/4 = 1 video per month
Actual performance: 2.5/5 = 0.5 videos per month
Given that YG's grasp on maths clearly seems tenuous at best, I thought I'd help out him and everybody else by devising a mathematical formula to interpret the truth in any YG debut promise, using my incredibly mindblowing (or is that dickblowing) secondary-school level maths skills.
In my high school we learned the BODMAS rule for mathematical formulas (Brackets, Orders, Divide, Multiply, Add, Subtract). I'm going to use a variation of my own design that I'll call "BOMDMAS" (BOM Divide, Multiply All Scandals). Here's how it works:
Let's start off with the number of groups publicised as debuting from YG in the next 12 months. We'll call this figure D.
Next, we have to look at the number of plastic surgeries that YG has funded for Bom over the last 12 months. Let's call the total number of plastic surgeries that Bom has over a year P.
Plastic surgery isn't cheap, and draws from the pool of available funds needed to debut new artists - every time Bom goes trotting down Gangnam street with YHS's credit card to get a chin touch-up, she's reducing the overall ability of the label to debut new artists and music. Bom's surgery fetish creates a "divisive" effect not just with 2NE1 fans but also YG's finances, so in our formula, we're going to divide D by P.
Now we have to factor in the effect of the last 12 months worth of scandals at YG. We'll give this numerical figure the name S.
Every time YG (or in fact any group) gets into a scandal, the following situations occur:
- More articles are generated by media to cover the scandal
- More people click on these articles and comment
- More people write on their own sites etc and comment further
- Advertisers see this activity and think "look at all that website traffic"
- YG's attached ads on many of these portals generate more revenue
- Fans buy more product to support their artist now "in peril"
- The group under scandal stays fresher in the minds of existing consumers
- New consumers discover and investigate the artist for the first time
Using the BOMDMAS formula, we can now convert "official numerical debut estimate from YG" into "correct numerical debut estimate from YG", using this equation:
Let's look at plastic surgeries first, because that's first in our formula. When pre-debut images of a 19-year old Bom surfaced in April 2013 and were contrasted with current promotional photos, many people concluded that plastic surgery was at work. Then September's "chin-slip" incident occured, which may have been the result of new surgery at that time, or perhaps just things moving around and not quite settling in properly after a previous operation. In any event the problem, whatever it was, was definitely contained within reasonable limits by November where she looked great for 2NE1's "Missing You" video and did her best to not move her mouth too much and upset the already topsy-turvy apple cart.
- April pre-debut bombshell vs 2013 pics = at least 1 plastic surgery 100% confirmed = 1 point
- September wherefore art thou chin = may be because of surgery or may be because of the effects of ageing/that weird disease she has plus a lack of preventative surgery. 50% chance for surgery to be true = 0.5 points
- November Bom looking like a Realdoll again after a suspicious extended break = herbal tea and bed rest I don't fucking think so, 1 plastic surgery 100% confirmed = 1 point
Now let's look at the scandals for YG. It was a quiet year for YG, but there was still another chapter of Seungri's compulsive jizzing on Japanese titties, G-Dragon boning some fan or whatever, Lizzy milking turning down G-D's D for some more publicity, oh and the CEO is probably licking CL's labia. Not all of these are genuine scandals though:
- Half of Japan's celebrity women drowning in Seungri's spunk = probably Seungri's fault = 1 point
- G-D gets his tip wet from some fangirl = nobody cares = 0.1 points
- Lizzy "I fapped to the G-D rumours but I'm sure he's a shitty lay" = rumour probably bullshit but Lizzy fapping still worthy of recognition = 0.4 points
- YHS "Seungri can I borrow your towel I need to wipe CL's vaginal juices off my chin" = red hot scandal but nobody noticed - 0.2 points
Now applying the BOMDMAS formula of (D/P)xS = T, here's what we get:
(4/2.5)x1.7 = 2.72.
This leaves us with a performance guarantee of 2.72 groups as opposed to the promise of 4 groups. This means that YG will debut at most three groups this year.... maybe two and a crappy solo artist if he gets lazy... but definitely not four.
Thank me for this information in December.