Saturday, May 16, 2015

The Official Kpopalypse Blackjack Defence Rap Challenge

Kpopalypse is back, and this time he's reviewing stuff!  Everybody hop on board for:

bdrc

Which Blackjack can pick up the microphone and defend Park Bom the most effectively in a rap verse?  Read on for the Blackjack Defence Rap Challenge!

Some quick background for those not in the loop about this: about 9 months ago in 2014 Kemy from nugu group A.KOR dropped the following diss rap for a rap competition about 2NE1's Park Bom and her drug-smuggling ways.



Are the allegations in the lyrics true or false?  I don't care.  I disagree with Kemy's anti-drugs stance and I actually think all drugs should be legal, but I also think Kemy pissing off crazy Blackjacks (2ne1's kooky fandom, notorious for hard-boiled insanity) is hilarious and has provided me with much entertainment.  As far as I'm concerned those two factors cancel each other out and therefore I have no horse in this particular race.

However Kemy's rap wasn't strictly an anti-drugs rant or even an anti-Bom rant and to characterise it as only these things is to oversimplify it drastically.  The criticisms that she made were more directed at YG Entertainment's alleged power to cover up scandals and bend the Korean legal system.  More importantly, since the rap was not an official A.KOR release but for a rap competition, Kemy wrote the rap herself, which is neither here nor there quality wise but it does mean that this places her in a very small pool of female idol rappers who do actually self-compose and that we can actually fairly assess the rap ability of.  To this end, she demonstrated superior wordplay skills and black humour that the likes of other self-composing idol rappers (including 2NE1's CL and EXID's LE) have always promised but never delivered, and I know this because everyone I know who speaks fluent Korean was impressed by the technical aspect of her rap (whether they agreed with the actual message or not).  Musically or ethically you may not like Kemy's rap, but as far as rap skills go, it's pretty impressive stuff for someone who would normally still be in high school.  I know the lyrics I wrote on desks during classes when I was a bored schoolkid weren't anywhere near this proficient.

phonealone

People may be wondering why I'm posting about this now, instead of when the issue was hot.  The reason for it is that Blackjacks tend to hold a grudge for a while, as the like/dislike ratio on A.KOR's most recent video shows, so I wanted to give ample time for all the hate-raps to gradually come in.  However I think that in May 2015 it's safe to say that any Blackjacks who had something to say about this issue in a rap verse have by now already done so.  Of course I don't really care about which side of the diss battle is "correct", but I wondered if any Blackjacks could come up with a quality rap track and match the level of microphone skill demonstrated by Kemy.  Time to find out!

82itsmytime - Don't Touch Bom!




This track starts off with some battlefield sounds because that's what artists do when they're being all hardcore and stuff.  Then the rap comes in with "hey, I've got nothing much to say", and rarely was a truer word spoken in k-pop diss battles.  Starting an intro with an admission of "I don't know what to say" is fine if you're just being modest so people underestimate you and then you proceed to tear the microphone a new asshole, but this guy actually runs out of ideas so fast that he quotes Inner Circle's "Bad Boys" at about the 40 second mark so maybe he shouldn't have drawn attention to his lack of lyrical inspiration any more than necessary.  Other rap crimes here include impersonating Nicki Minaj's weird Saturday morning cartoon bullshit novelty voice when he says "you feel so tiny", plus rhyming "bus" with "ass", a particularly awkward rhyme but I guess he was that desperate to make a joke about an underage girl being hit by a bus that he was willing to sacrifice the rhyme flow for it... which shows you what kind of people some Blackjacks can be, I guess.  Not that there's much flow here to sacrifice anyway, the style is fairly strict rhyming couplets throughout and they're massively awkward, cringeworthy couplets at that ("your shit is a bore and you act like a whore"?).  At least the backing track isn't too bad so I'll give this one 2/10 for at least not using a yoloturd trap beat.

Jesungiya - Kemy Bitch




As soon as you hit play on this one, you'll get plastered with a couple intimidatingly earnest text walls about how this guy has really moved on from the whole situation and that he feels bad about calling Kemy a bitch because he "understand(s) how important it is to pay attention to a word that is gender or racially charged".  This is of course completely weaksauce bollocks - apologising for using a specific word while simultaneously "not apologising for (the) sentiments" that the word represents means that even if you didn't use the word "bitch" you still meant the word "bitch".  One of the messages also says he wants to "move on with music" so I was going to take a leaf out of that book and looked for something more recent that he has written to review instead, but I couldn't find anything, just some EXID covers and stuff.  Oh well, guess I gotta review "Kemy Bitch", and there's not a lot to say about it - his wordplay is a bit better than 82itsmytime (still mostly basic couplet raps but at least not as awkward and cringeworthy) but his backing track is worse - pay attention class, diss tracks need a hard beat to reflect the anger of the rap, not some twinkly pussy slow ballad feelgood nonsense, and it all just sounds too mellow.  He's using an "I'm on top of the world, floating above the clouds, I'm the king" feel instead of a "I'm gonna fuck your face up" type sound and that's just a rap diss track faux pas.  2/10.

TMinsTV - 0-100 Freestyle (A.KOR Kemy Diss)




Even though we're still in boring rhyming couplet land straight from 1988 this guy's probably got the most lyrical skill out of anyone so far (not saying much but still...).  This track starts off promisingly with a decent atmospheric beat... then the rapper starts self-censoring his swear words.  Come on, what the fuck is this bullshit, it's not a very enjoyable diss rap if you edit the rude parts out.  There's no need for it, it's just a YouTube demo for some batshit crazy Blackjacks, it's not a fucking commercial radio drivetime slot, you don't need to self-regulate like Tipper Gore is looking over your shoulder, she's too busy masturbating to W.A.S.P's "Animal (Fuck Like A Beast)" to care about what some weird k-pop fandom does.  Then things get even more wimpy as the tone changes abruptly at the halfway point from "me and my badass Blackjack crew want to cut your head off" to "you're just a girl, I can't wait to see you shine, one day you will baby".  It's like he's playing both the "good cop" and the "bad cop" in one song to try and manipulate Kemy's emotions and there's something really creepy about it all in a Chris Hansen-esque kind of way.  Imagine how laughable Lil Kim's diss rap against Nicki Minaj would sound if halfway through the beat changed to something soft and smooth and Kimmy started rapping "I hope you can shine one day girl".  Just nope.  Stick to one message please.  In the video comments the creator says "at the end of the day I am all about progression, so I'm open to criticism" so maybe if you could try to sound more like a rapper and less like a creepy preacher who says "god sends sinners to burn in hell for eternity" and then "...but he loves us!" in the very next breath, that'd be a good start.  2/10 for at least having a decent beat for the first half of it.

Ria.K - Reply to Kemy's Diss to Park Bom (teaser)




Oh wow, this girl sounds like she can actually rap, plus she knows how to insert rhyming words in places other than at the end of the bar - rejoice!  Pity she's less good at working out how to stay connected to the Internet, she promised the full version of this rap "tonight or tomorrow" about 9 months ago and her channel hasn't been updated since.  It's possible of course that she may have slept on it and then in the light of the new day thought better about doing a full diss rap reply, which is a shame as I think we may have been robbed of something semi-decent here.  Mind you even in this teaser format it's about the same length as some of the other offerings here anyway.  2/10 for low determination levels.

Crystal W. - Quit It




The Fischer-Price drum machine at the start sounded cute, I thought that was a good gimmick to intro a rap track so I waited for it to end and the real beat to kick in... and then eventually I realised that wasn't going to happen and this girl really thought that busting her entire rap verse over Baby's First Drumkit was a good idea.  Speaking of which, much mirth was had with the line "you messed with Bom, that's like effin' with a kid".  Can you cunting fucking rap bitches actually realise that fucking swearing is a very fucking natural fucking part of fucking rap music and it's better to fucking leave the cunt fuck shit rap fucking swears in the fucking songs... bitch?  Also Bom is like 68 years old or some shit so comparing dissing her to fucking with a kid is kind of ass-backwards as fucking fuck.  If anything dissing Kemy is the "fucking with a kid" part, quite literally if we take the meaning of "fucking" to be "fucking with the mind/career of".  If you're going to be a rapper it helps to actually have some command of the language, sure most rappers do that whole uneducated "from the street" pose but in reality most of the good ones passed English classes no problem because they had to or they simply wouldn't be any good at rap.  Anyway I digress, this song gets 2/10 for at least giving it a go with the cheapest recording materials ever, which is at least kinda cool in a Crayon Punk kind of way.

Jennita Karurak - A Song For You Kemy A.KOR By Black Jack




Another cheap-ass production but a little bit better musically than the last one, this girl may or may not have good rap flow, I have no idea because she's rapping in Thai.  Howevber what I do know is that at about 1:03 she breaks into something that sounds disturbingly similar to bhangra.  Many years ago I lived in an international student residence and many of the students there were Indian Malaysians, and they would play that fucking bhangra shit all the fucking time.  It got really annoying because apart from our tiny bedrooms, all the facilities were shared so you couldn't just blast music without 20 other poor people having to suffer it.  These international students convinced me that bhangra is the worst music in the world.  I hear that T-ara is really taking off in Malaysia lately and that can only be a good thing because it will certainly lift the quality of the music there a little if bhangra is really what they all normally listen to over there.  I can't assess this girl's rap but I'll give her 2/10 because at least the entire song isn't bhangra, thank you girl for sparing us a total bhangra track and at least dropping an actual rap verse at the start of it.

KeNNy AKM - A.KOR Kemy Diss Park Bom Rap




Got to love these innovative song titles, hey?  This is another rhyming-couplets-over-a-ghetto-blaster-in-the-corner-of-the-room-sounds-good-enough-fuck-it job but hold up for a moment because this guy is flat-out creepy as fuck.  He can't stop obsessing through the entire video about how young Kemy is, wildly underestimates her age (she's not twelve but I bet he wishes she was) and even raps about how he got an erection over her in a rhyming couplet that would make Pedobear proud. Of course all this acute awareness of Kemy's youth doesn't prevent him from gleefully sticking the boot into her anyway, because it's more important to defend Bom apparently, but in this case I think defending Bom is maybe just an excuse for his real agenda.  At one stage of the rap he actually rhymes "rookie" with "cookie", and guess who else also does that:

rookiecookie

That's right, Kim Dani from "maybe joining T-ara N4 one day but basically just slumming it for now after appearing in that one awesome F-ve Dolls song, like, whatevs" and guess what age she is these days.  Perhaps it's some kind of code that KeNNy AKM thinks Dani is a perfect 10 but not for the same reasons that I do, and thereby he joins the list of Kemy diss rappers who need to take a seat over there.  2/10 for providing a community service to concerned parents who want to know what warning signs to look out for when meeting their daughter's strange older friends, might I suggest that one of them is if they own a studio with walls plastered in comic book art?

sukiluvzyuu - Congrats On Being Infamous (Just another Kemy from A.KOR diss rap)




The tacit acknowledgement in the song title that nobody gives a fuck is probably the best thing about this "for YG yeah we ride" diss rap lolocaust, but there's two important differences to everything else here.  Firstly, the rapping isn't rhyming couplets for a change, our female rapper is actually going to some sort of effort to mix things up a little and maybe she even took more than two minutes to piece this one together, wow!  Bravo for attempting to demonstrate some more modern rap style!  Unfortunately, this is completely negated by the beat also being more "modern" but in a bad way, it's easily the worst one of the entire bunch here, kind of almost a yolotrap thing.  What a shame.  2/10 for you.

TheEvaristoCaitlin - Diss Kemy Rap Acapella: Blackjack Love




You see, this is the problem with fandom group-think, and I'm not just talking about Blackjacks here, but any fandom anywhere.  It starts off innocently enough, when you decide one day that you're going to write "Blackjack" on your school ruler and put it in the signature of your k-pop forum profile.  People start asking you "so are you a Blackjack now?" and you reply "yeah, well I like 2NE1 so I suppose I am".  Never mind that you're not technically part of the fandom because that actually requires membership which means financial outlay, you're still a "Blackjack" inside your own head and that's what matters to you, identifying with the fandom gives you a warm fuzzy feeling, like you're a part of something bigger than yourself.  However, then something strange starts happening - there's unspoken pressure now.  Suddenly, because you're a "Blackjack", you feel obliged to like everything that 2NE1 do regardless of how it makes you feel, plus you start to feel obliged to engage in "endorsed fan activities" even if they might make you feel a bit strange or might not really be what you want.  So when the whole fandom gets swept up in a "let's burn some high school girl at the stake" thing, you find yourself dragged into it emotionally, so up your awkward, hesitant attempt at a diss rap goes on the Internet, for not much gain except a vague feeling of "wow I'm representing Blackjacks now kinda" and Kpopalypse taking the piss out of you in a cruel, snarky blog post some months later.  Was it worth it?  2/10 because I feel sorry for this person will no doubt grow out of being a faux-Blackjack one day and turn into a mature woman and look back at this moment and cringe.  Maybe, just maybe, this will be the Internet post that snaps them out of it.  Maybe a few years down the track, I'll get a postcard sent to me at the radio station, it will read "I was that girl in that video and thanks to your blogging I realised that I had a Blackjack problem.  Being a Blackjack is no fun.  Blackjacks endanger the life and happiness of millions.  It must stop.  We appeal in particular to the youth of today.  Stop the madness!  There are better things in life."



Well, now you know what I think of all the above videos - but who cares?  What's more important is what do YOU think?  I decided to make a poll and ask my readers.  Here's the results:

kemysurvey

Only about 130-ish responses to the poll, which was disappointing - you guys didn't troll Blackjacks enough with this post, clearly.  The winner was predictably Kemy, who was leagues ahead of the competition, but out of all the Blackjack response-rappers Ria.K emerged as the leader.  If only she got around to doing the full track, she might've snatched Kemy's crown.  Oh well.
I also invited readers to write their own diss raps if they thought that they could do better than any of the above, with the promise of including the best one in this post.  I got quite a few of them, but my favourite was one reader who dared to diss not Kemy or Bom but Kpopalypse himself, and came up with this very impressive effort:
T-Wyvern - Fap Trap (Kpopalypse diss rap)
*yoloturd beat with a hint of anti-Rainaist rage*
You hate raps with basic syncopation?
Here's some to test your determination
Nah, just trollin’, that’s just how I be rollin’
It’s bad I know, just the latest fad my UCAAD
Hey, wanna be in on the opinions I possess on thee?
A to the B to the S to the D, Boramfucker
Nehtt OC comebacks ‘14, eh? You dumb fuck
Lapped it all up, fapped your peen to your tiny screen
Trapped by Raina, drainer of your balls and wallet
Blame her, claim her evil but you fall for it
Her rep should style her plainer so you can find her
Next logical Step, a pain to be colour blind
You know the score, you shameless attention whore
When I’m thru’ witchu my bias’ll be lower than Yura
‘Cause you’re a-draggin’ the blameless, “don’t hate idols” my ass
Your mindless followers call you oppa, more like flopper
Think you’re bold, telling tales untold with your blogs?
Comedy gold, you’re old and bald and you just got cunting told
Stop writing that disgrace you call fanfic, fighting
Pick on me, I’ll attack, make your face go asak asak
Abbott’s place, come meet me in the foyer
Neo ege nareul boyeo jul kkeoya
There's lots of Kpopalypse Lexicon references here, so it's good to see my haters are paying careful attention to my postings!  Mind you the guy had nearly half a dozen cracks at it, so his freestyle game is weak, but then what passes for "freestyle" in rap music is usually premeditated as fuck anyway so I'll still give it a pass.  In the meantime, I couldn't care less about Kemy or Bom, I only really give a shit about Minju:
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Minju is the second rapper in both of these videos, the hot mature-age blonde bundle of hotness who has a look that transforms wildly from nice Korean girl to saucily-smirking rock slut as soon as she dons her trademark circle lenses, padded bras and heavy makeup.  How many times am I going to link these mixtape rap videos in posts of mine?  As long as it takes to find out where I can get the fucking mixtape from.



Minju is a complete hottie who has flown under the radar of pretty much everybody thanks to the whole rabid Kemy obsession that's blinded Blackjacks to anything about A.KOR that's not Kemy-related, as demonstrated by this hilarious YouTube exchange where someone going by the name of "Park Bom" completely (and willfully) misses the point:

minj

I actually checked the YouTube channel of "Park Bom" just in case she had the initiative to make her own Kemy diss rap.  Sadly not - if so, I think she would have cleaned up.  Then I could have made a cool joke to end this blog about how Park Bom is really the best defender of Park Bom.  Oh well, robbed I guess.  The following joke will have to do:

kemmin copy

4 comments:

  1. Kpop fans releasing diss tracks is actually something I highly condone. Most of them spend their entire days upvoting the most popular comment on netizenbuzz but this is something which actually occupies them and maybe sorta requires a miniscule amount of creativity. I mean not a whole lot, about the same amount as those people in Thai restaurants who make origami out of serviettes. But what's important is that their exercising their brains. Yes, its a small step, but a step in the right direction

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    Replies
    1. Exactly! Which is why I'm trying to be as encouraging as possible by highlighting these!

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  2. My head hurts from listening to that crap
    Also wtf that sounding nothing like bhangra im dissapointed Kpopalypse

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