Friday, June 19, 2015

Kpopalypse’s 8 steps to iljin success for losers like you who should probably be killed

K-pop fans will probably already be familiar with the term iljin (일진) - a Korean word for young people who prioritise fun, positivity, social skills and being sexy over lonely boredom and pointless, soulless drudgery.  Iljins aren't interested in studying 624 hours per week, crying into their pillows every night about their lonely boring futureless existence and whining on the Internet every two seconds like most people you know, but instead channel their many positive qualities into their productive future careers as highly successful businesspeople and celebrities.

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Are you, or is someone you know a complete loser who could use some assistance and advice from someone who isn't failing at life?  Have you ever wanted to know how to embrace the positive side of existence and become a stunningly charismatic, successful and fun-loving iljin that Korean netizens are rabidly jealous of?  What amazing trufax can we learn from these living, breathing success stories?  Wonder no more as Kpopalypse takes you through the 8 steps to iljin success!

Of course, the successful life of an iljin doesn't come easy!  Nothing is ever achieved without hard work and determination, fortunately Kpopalypse is here to break down the important steps of becoming an iljin so you too can one day achieve your dreams of not being a complete waste of oxygen!  Just follow these tips!

1.  HANG OUT WITH FRIENDS

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Here's some photos of Kang Minkyung back in her school days hanging out with friends after class and having a good time.  When these photos were leaked, Korean netizens were horrified - how dare Minkyung have a party with friends after class while they stayed home and studied!  However netizens need to realise that recreation is important, studies have shown that taking time out of one's busy study schedule has several positive benefits such as a more relaxed mental state and less predisposition to slit your own fucking throat.  Having some relax time with her friends certainly didn't hurt Minkyung who went on to join stunningly successful k-pop duo Davichi and release a whole bunch of hit songs.  You'll probably never reach Minkyung's level of success, but if you start incorporating hanging out with some friends into your weekly routine now maybe you'll be about 4.72% less of a fuckhead at some point in the future, so why not try it?

2.  PARTY IN NIGHTCLUBS

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Wonho from Monsta X pictured above knows all about the iljin life and that naturally includes partying in nightclubs.  It's worth practicing how to party in nightclubs, because you wouldn't want to have a social situation like partying in nightclubs sprung on you at some point later on in life when you least expect it, leaving you feeling awkward and not knowing what the fuck to do with yourself.  Parties can be difficult for even experienced partygoers like G-Dragon due to the enforced, artificial nature of the social interaction.  You may find yourself in need of some social lubricant to help smooth things along, so why not...

3.  DRINK SOJU

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IU thinks that you could use a refreshing drink of soju to loosen up a little, and you probably could, you sad pathetic loser piece of shit.  With a common alcohol-by-volume ratio of 20%, it's not too difficult to get fucked up and forget about your worries like how to behave in awkward social situations or whether you'll pass that exam about that subject that you don't care about so you don't have to repeat the same boring shit next year.

4.  SMOKE CIGARETTES

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Wonho from Monsta X also knows all about the joys of tobacco.  Sure, cigarettes make you smell like a homeless person and they have a bad reputation because of that whole link to lung cancer thing, but don't worry!  If you do get cancer from smoking it probably won't be for at least a decade or two, and in the meantime there's some surprising health benefits.  Since you can't smoke indoors legally in most places now, you'll have to go outside a lot to be a regular smoker, and heaven knows that today's young people could use a bit of extra sun and outdoor time away from their computer screens.  Enforced time outdoors also means that you might meet other people and strike up conversations!  Advanced socialising with these other people also increases the likelihood of opportunities to...

5.  ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITIES

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No, I'm not talking about fapping (for once), but sexual activities involving another human.  I know this may seem a scary proposition to many of you, but while solo sexual activity is certainly fun, sex is ideally experienced as a two-person event.  Don't worry about pregnancy, condoms never break if you use water-based lubricant and don't get your dirty disgusting unclean fingernails all over them, and there's no point using religion as an excuse for not fucking as every religion is basically just a thinly-veiled instruction manual on how to put hot throbbing dicks into gaping wet cuntholesYour idols are definitely doing it, so why not join in the fun?  If you're lucky and your iljin skills are high you might even get some cigarettes out of it.

6.  VISIT COOL WEBSITES

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In this connected age even the most active and successful of young people still get on the Internet occasionally, but with millions of sites active, where to go?  Successful iljins like Secret's Hyosung prefer Ilbe, fun-filled Korean humour site dedicated to making you laugh with fun images, thoughtful content and good times.  Did you know that Kpopalypse articles have been reposted to Ilbe?  All the more reason to visit - I guess that makes me an honorary iljin.

7.  WEAR FASHIONABLE CLOTHING

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Here's one of k-pop's biggest groups BigBang wearing popular North Face jackets, which are all the rage in Korea.  The latest fashion trend favoured by upstanding young iljins, I'm still waiting to find out where I can redeem my iljin points accrued from being reposted to Ilbe for a cool North Face jacket like the ones above, I could use one as it's cold in Adelaide right now.  Last night it was 2 fucking degrees, fuck that shit, it's the iljin life for me, they know how to keep warm.

8.  TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR FRIENDS

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Way from super-iljin concept group Crayon Pop didn't take any crap when some slutty skank-whore at her school started slobbering on her boyfriend's knob, she got her posse of 100 Way's Girls together to rip that bitch a new asshole.  Nobody messed with her or her friends ever again, and nobody will mess with you either if you take a leaf out of the iljin manual of sticking up for yourself if someone tries to take advantage of you or the people you care about.  The iljin lifestyle doesn't just teach success, it also teaches upstanding morality and survival skills!



That's it for another Kpopalypse post!  Kpopalypse will return soon with the results of the ass survey!  Until next time, be safe and embrace the 8 steps to iljin success!

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7 comments:

  1. Murderfuckers (?!) are pretty successful peeps as well! http://www.murderfuck.com/

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    1. I should get in touch, they'll help Kpopalypse meet his KPIs.

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  2. You basically described a middle schooler.

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    1. WTF is a "middle school"? Never heard of it. Is that where all the kids go who are not very smart or very stupid to learn about average things?

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    2. Middle school is what they call Intermediate school in USA, I think.

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    3. Middle school is where kids who are between child and teenager go. Ages 12-14 grades 6-8. It can depend on the state what the ages and grades are but that's typically the norm. Not everyone does it because a lot of elementary schools go to 8th grade but 6th-8th grade is still considered "upper classmen" amongst the other grades in elementary school.

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