Sunday, July 31, 2016

Hyuna - How's This?



Fucking shit.

Fei's Goodbye Stage



This is all I have to say to you Chinese-hating mother fuckers:

Here's Some Hot Girls: Kalliope's Bias List

In celebration of AKF, in his eternal mercy, instating me as a full author here, I've decided to inflict my bias list on y'all so that you can hopefully get to know me better. Plus, this way we can avoid everyone criticizing my life choices incorrectly (now you can criticize them correctly!). Also, it's just going to include a whole bunch of pictures and videos of hot girls.

I'm going to do this a little bit differently than AKF did his, though, because if I didn't my list would change like every four seconds. So instead of listing my top 10 in order, I'm just going to tell you who my favourite member of every group I care about is. Don't worry, it won't be too long, because 1) I only follow girl groups and 2) I don't give 2 fucks about half of them. Plus, this way you can get a preview of the stuff I'll be writing articles on (hell will freeze over before I learn the names of the girls in Lovelyz or Sonamoo, for example). Also, I'm not including any groups with cute/innocent concepts and underage members (such as Gfriend and Oh My Girl) for obvious reasons, even though I care about them and will write about their music. I'm also, for the sake of space, not including the following defunct or semi-defunct groups that I follow(ed): 4Minute (Sohyun as a blonde/Hyuna), Spica (Jiwon), After School (no strong preference), Miss A (Fei, obviously), 2NE1 (CL), Secret (Hyoseong, also obviously). Onwards:

AOA - Hyejeong



Saturday, July 30, 2016

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Kpopalypse Nugu Alert Episode 20: Lim Sehoon, Kim Keunsan, Kim Soonju

It's time again for everyone's favourite series highlighting Korean pop music videos nobody gives a shit about - Kpopalypse Nugu Alert!

nugu20head

Come with Kpopalypse once again as he explores the depths of Korean nugudom for your entertainment!

Imagine Tzuyu's Inner Monologue



Say what you want about G-Friend but they're hard to beat in terms of sheer precision. I swear they must practice these routines at double speed all the time.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Acknowledge The Gray (Grey)* Areas


This is my own extension of Ajussi's previous article, which really got me thinking about just how quick people are to judge others and box them into one thing with no room for redemption. In the article he talks about how female idols or women in general are often judged on the opposite ends of spectrum (i.e. like someone saying wearing a dress instead of pants upholds patriarchal control.) And he's right, people do tend to judge just based off of the black and white and never the gray (grey.) 

So this is just a collection of some thoughts I had. Yes this is one of those semi-personal essay(?)-ish articles. So if you have any thoughts or experiences you'd like to add we can all share our thoughts and be a very thoughtful group today. 

Netizens Prove You Cannot Fucking Win



Wow, I really wish Hyuna would wear something sexier and more flattering:
1. [+356, -80] Those green panties look like grandma underwear. Why did she pick such a loose fitting one?

Radwimps - Zen Zen Zen Se



Radwimps finally released a new song (c'mon UCAADs, it's been three years since your last album). This song definitely sounds something like what Bump of Chicken would have released a few years and doesn't have the Radwimps feel to it. It's still a good song, just different than what I expect from the band.

Apparently it's a theme song for some anime movie, so maybe that's why it has more of a mainstream sound. 

Hit The Stage - Vampire Momo



I'd let Vampire Momo suck blood from my penis, you know, if she wasn't a lesbian.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

FUCK YOU LIZZY



Given that Korean netizens have shown us that it is perfectly acceptable to hate on idols due to their home country claiming land under dispute, I take that it is perfectly acceptable to hate on Korean idols when they claim land that is under dispute belongs to Korea.


Monday, July 25, 2016

Stop fucking your sociopolitical presumptions and love someone

I have been seeing a lot of people railing on Fei's "Fantasy" because in it she is fulfilling the desires of a man. People have been using this to say it is all about objectification and even gone several steps past anything they have authority to claim and acting like Fei herself had no agency in deciding to do this or like this one action betrays who she is. To people saying these things: Have you never loved someone? Have all your relationships been about always making sure you get yours? Have you never just wanted to make someone happy by fulfilling some unrealistic picturesque fantasy if only for a time? Saying that a woman can't ever decide to fulfill a man's fantasy without giving up on herself is like saying you uphold patriarchal control just by wearing a dress instead of pants.

This song was written by JYP and he has been around the block a few times. When you get older you'll understand that sometimes loving someone means that your desire is to fulfill their desires, and that doesn't mean you never want them to do that for you, it just means that is what you're doing for them in that moment. Like a hundred boybands make songs like this every year and I don't see anyone complaining about them giving up their identity and needs to serve every desire of the girl. Placating now and then is not necessarily being a slave, and claiming that Fei is giving up on being an "Independent Woman" because of this is what is simplistic and dehumanizing of what she has already proven of herself, not the song.

Gugudan - Wonderland


Gugudan debuted at the end of June and the only reason I have only fucks to give is because Kim Sejeong is fucking cute as fucking fuck.

"Pick Me" To Get Creeped On



Produce 101's producer went ahead and admitted that his show was intended to be child porn lite.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Everyone Thinks G-Friend's SinB is a Bitch, So Now I Love Her

Waving goodbye to the haterz
Some fools on the internet think SinB is a bitch because she didn't sing during some dumb dance video. It's not important for me to even link it here, because these comments stand on their own:

Saturday, July 23, 2016

How Nayeon's Vibrator Almost Malfunctioned



You know Momo was thinking "You fucking bitch, we kiss all the time, so stop with this shit." Nayeon, in turn, had to remind Momo, "We have to try to establish some credibility, even if it's minute, that you're still straight."

f(x)'s All Mine is All Mediocre



This is fine, I guess. It's low budget but it's SM Station so I didn't exactly expect high production values. China haters take note: Victoria looks like she's balding in this video. Also, Luna's contacts freak me out, and Amber is Amber. Krystal looks good though (Jung sisters rule forever).

Friday, July 22, 2016

You wish your drunk favs were this good



Most will immediately notice how happy Sunmi is but I would like to point out that Lim probably thinks they're on Music Core.

Since many kids won't understand: I'm not making fun of them. This is normal chill happy drunk dinner times and it's endearing that they're comfortable/confident being a bit more real with us. More idols, please, share your drunk fun with us. (Can you imagine Girl's Day?)

You Don't Have To Agree With Fei. You Don't Have to Hate Fei.


With China and the SEA recent activities a lot of Chinese-born idols have been showing support for China and because of it I see two extremes of people coming out and both look stupid. On one hand, you have people hating Fei because she supports China, then you have people hating on the people hating on Fei because politics doesn't define her as a person. And honestly, they're both missing the point.

Fancam Appreciation - miss A's Fei


Everyone is probably Quagmire by now.


Every Solo Debut from 2015 Reviewed

DISCLAIMER: I got this list off Wikipedia because my memory isn't flawless so please don't get on my ass in the comments if I've missed something. 

In honour of Fei's sextastic solo debut, I've decided to do a mini review (like, a few sentences. I have a day job) of every single female solo debut from 2015 and 2016 (so far, obviously). The 2016 reviews are going to be in the next post, because I don't want this to kill your phones when you try to load it. Why am I only reviewing girl group solo debuts? Because I don't give a fuck about boy groups, that's why. Deal with it. I'm doing this in alphabetical order and this is all just my opinion so don't come whining to me if I shit on your faves. They probably deserve it. Okay, buckle up kids, because here we go:



Listen, I love Kpop's Out-est Lesbian. She seems genuinely cool. She's friends with everyone! I just wish she had made friends with someone who could make a better fucking beat. What is this half-assed horn nonsense? Also I have no idea what Taeyeon is doing in this song. Next time, try fewer celebrity cameos and more decent music-making.


Thursday, July 21, 2016

Dear Kalliope: A Kpop Advice Column

Dear Kalliope,

I have been a big fan of kpop for many years, even though I don't live in Korea or speak Korean. However, my friends all think the music is dumb and shallow, and that I'm some kind of creepy Asian fetishist because I think kpop idols are hot. What can I tell my friends to convince them that I'm not a dumb creeper? 

-Totally Angered by Rude Assholes

Dear T(-)ARA,

Okay, first of all, you are not the racist one if your friends think it's creepy to be attracted to Asian people. If you phrase it like that to your rude friends, I bet it'll shut them up real quick. Hot people are hot, regardless of their race.

If your reaction to this is negative, you might be a racist.

[MV Review] Fei - "Fantasy"



JYP brings one of his sex dreams to life and who better to choose to fulfill that duty than Fei?

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Fei - Faptasy



Short review: fap
Longer review: faaaaaaaaaaap
Detailed review: faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap

[MV Review] HELLOVENUS - Paradise



As far as I'm concerned, this is the first thing HELLOVENUS has released since Brave Brothers' electro-sexy garbage Wiggle Wiggle and I'm Ill (the day I listen to a shitty ballad like Glow is the day hell freezes over).

Some Idiots Who Didn't Go to Med School Criticize Sistar's Soyou

Soyou said in a truly tragic interview that she once crash dieted so hard that she lost 8 kilograms (just under 18 pounds) in a month. For reference, it's generally considered safe/healthy to lose between 1/2 a pound and 2 pounds per week. That's 2 to 8 pounds a month, not fucking 18.

This was posted on her Instagram a month ago. I think she's thin enough, you guys.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

[MV Review-ish] Crying Because Stellar Decided to Start Being Boring

Anybody who knows me knows that I fuck with Stellar. So nobody is more disappointed by their latest track than I am.



Kpopalypse is wrong about the Golden Era of K-Pop



I haven't heard anything that awesome in K-Pop starting from 2008.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Twice For CeCi

Cin2GY2UUAAEo5L.jpg

I would be Sana's ho any day.

I know this is old but this photo shoot has become one of my favorites.

MV Review Meets Lesbianism in Kpop 2.5/?: G-Friend's Navillera

Parts 1 and 2 of this regular series.



Today's special crossover episode is brought to you by the fact that Navillera, G-Friend's latest thinly veiled clone of all their previous songs (this time: more synths), is gay as all hell.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Kick the Greedy Kimchi Whores Out of China and Japan!


Yoona, Greedy Kimchi Whore #1.


Krystal, Greedy Kimchi Whore #2.

Chad Past: a Chad Future retrospective

First it was Eat Your Kimchi defecting to Japan and now Chad Future, the young guy from the USA who decided to be an "American k-pop star", has decided to move onto the next phase of his career and focus on music within America with his new group F.A.M.E.  This is truly an event to be celebrated, so come with Kpopalypse now as he explores the career of Chad Future Past in commemoration!

chadhead

Miyavi - Afraid to be Cool


Japan's Guitar God Miyavi came out with a new single last month and I had to share.

Friday, July 15, 2016

You're Not an Expert.

This is one of my more lengthy post. It's been a while since I've made one of those.



I see many people all over the internet using their own diseases/depressions/life experiences to condemn Hani and Sulli for their "actions" or "diagnose" them and it's absolutely pathetic.

Seungyeon to Release a Solo Song


Seungyeon is going solo in the year of going solo. With how great "Guilty" was, I've been waiting for this news since Kara disbanded. Now Ahjussi will fap himself to death with his waifu making her return to K-Pop.

Chad Future leaves kpop





Most people love to hate on this guy, and while I understand the reasons why, I just can't hate on him. Chad does Chad and makes no apologies. Haters can hate away and he just keeps being Chad. By some crazy chance it seems to keep working out well enough for him to keep having fun with it, and he seems to stay focused on enjoying that fact for as long as it will last. I don't follow what he does, so I'm not really a fan, but I can't hate.

I see in him the same attitude that I see in 2PM members. They know how much luck is involved, they know how many people don't take them seriously, and they don't care about pleasing everyone's ideas of "real" or "authentic" because none of that diminishes how much work they put in or that this, now, whatever form it has, is the opportunity given to them to live out or give up, and they choose to live it. Funny how the performers, whose whole lives are taken over and criticized, can often just enjoy the fun of the music better than those whose only burden is listening.

[MV Review] Wonder Girls - Why So Lonely



The Wonder Girls are back, and they are making disco look damn good.

Before I get down to the nitty gritty, here are the basics: the girls all look hot as fuck in this video, AND they've stuck with the band concept. You know what that means ... keyboard-related Yenny boob bouncing.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Sex vs Politics

Following up on my previous post, an interesting situation is developing where Fei is launching her solo promotions right after publicly supporting China's sea territory claims. Maybe this means she's fucked because former-fans from countries opposed to it will hate her, maybe it means she's a guaranteed hit because of Chinese fans, maybe it means she's in for the chaos of mass love and hate at the same time. Regardless of all this, how do you personally feel about her? Look at these images and vote in the poll at the end.


Old News: Sunmi doesn't give a flying fuck



I know I am way late to the game on this, but this is why we love Sunmi. This bitch can't be bothered. She sort of half-heartedly does the choreo in the group parts, but when it's her turn to do a solo she's like "fuck this noise" and just slumps around with her arms crossed.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

[MV Review] Seventeen - "Very Nice"


Quick to shake off the "Pretty U" criticism, Seventeen comeback with "Very Nice" and it's just that.

NCT 127 - Fire Truck



Funniest shit you'll watch this year in K-Pop!

An Extremely Thorough Exploration of Lesbianism in Kpop – Part 2/?

Part 1 can be found here.

Once again, in the interests of comparison and standard-setting, each video’s lesbianism will be ranked on two metrics: how hot it is, and how convincing it is. They will be graded out of four (four scissors, obviously). Now let's get to the good stuff:

Rainbow Blaxx - Cha Cha





Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Chinese woman supports China. News at 11.


She grew up there. Her home is there. Her family is there. Her friends are there. Her money is there. Her business is there. The rest of her life after f(x) is there. Her legal protections and processes are there. Her retirement is there. Some little space where her remains will be left when she dies is there. Everyone who will still care to remember her will be there.

Did any of y'all really think she was about to say fuck China because she made some music in Korea?

Update: Various other Chinese figures in Kpop are as well. So shock. Much scandal.

Monday, July 11, 2016

When fanboys are like fangirls

Perhaps you have noticed by now that one of the main reasons we started and continue to operate this site is just to be a place where we can freely vent annoyance with and/or mock delusional kpop stans. In the beginning this was actually specifically centered around T-ara, which had stans trying to censor us to only speak the purest words in regard to them while they were on stage doing stuff like this:

Hyomin earning solo promotions in 2010. So fucking hot super cute!
Yet as annoyingly anti-reality as that sort of attitude is, the way of the fangirl goes in other directions as well. We've all seen fangirls who can't comprehend a reality where their oppas are dating someone, or why their oppas committing a crime is due the codified legal punishment, or simply, perhaps, that their oppas are not the center of the universe and people are allowed to like someone other than their oppas without it being an injustice. Fanboys can manifest this insanity as well.


See here our local insane troll bodhicat1, devoted surfer of the delulu wave, who seems to think that if he comments about Bambino on nearly every single one of our articles that mentions sexiness at all for months he'll convince us to become a Bambino stanning blog, even though he already has his own fucking blog for stanning Bambino. Apparently that is not enough for him. Apparently other people aren't allowed to admire or acclaim anyone but Bambino without being told how wrong they are or how much better Bambino is... according to the fantasy land in his head.

You see, this comment is his reaction to the results for the latest Kpopalypse survey. Yes, a public survey across two main blogs and however many other channels Kpopalypse spread it to involving hundreds of unguided volunteer responses that generally span the full spectrum of the kpop inetz scene. Somehow, when all of these people offer their own nominations for the idols they personally find sexy and Bambino doesn't even register, it is a farce and we lose cred. Who, exactly, is the "we" losing cred? I guess everyone who lives in reality.


Instead of just not caring and doing his own thing and enjoying Bambino—just like, well, Bambino themselves don't care and simply enjoy being Bambino—he lives in a world where if everyone doesn't share his level of exclusive admiration for them and declaration of them as the leaders of kpop, it is a disgrace that must be addressed and corrected. Truly bonkers. All of this, of course, is without mentioning that Bambino is not even a real kpop group with ambitions of the big time but some Gangnam unnies who primarily act as go-go dancers for local bar events with a facade of kpop solely to cash in on government subsidies.

"They're dance hoes who don't even care to be famous."
Don't be a bodhicat1. Live in reality and don't fight it when it disagrees with you. Like who you like and let others like who they like without harassing them like a clueless dick. Be satisfied with harassing your own clueless dick.

Concepts That Don't Suck (Anything But YOUR BLOOD)

A lot of kpop girl group music videos are basically identical. You could swap out the four to nine hot girls for a different four to nine hot girls and end up with at least 90% of modern MV releases.

For example, both Brave Girls and whatever the Produce 101 clusterfuck is called (IOI?) just realized videos with essentially the same concept, which in turn is a thinly veiled rehash of the TWICE Cheer Up tactic, which in turn is a rip-off of this: differentiate your eight thousand members by having them each hang out in a different clichΓ©d setting. That way you can watch the video and be like "damn, the tennis player/nurse/Audrey Hepburn knockoff is sexy," instead of saying "damn, the third girl with long dark hair -- no, not that one, the one wearing pink -- no, the OTHER one wearing pink -- is sexy.")

So what is an embittered management company to do? What concepts can they use without incurring the wrath of random internet bloggers?

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Girl Group Stage - Ultra Dance Festival



Sorry to cockblock Kpopalypse and suho_ftw who have relatively new articles below, but yeah, there's too much hotness on this stage to not post this right away.


Jessica Doesn't Look 18 Anymore? Big Shock.



(Seeing as I just posted an article defending Taeyeon against netizens, it's only natural I do the same for Jessica to piss off all of the TaeyeonGate/JessicaGate stans.)

So Jessica attended a Blacn&Eclare event, and she looks gorgeous as always. However of course salty netz have to shit on her because they feel that anyone with a career is a threat to their lives or something.

Saturday, July 9, 2016

Results of the KPOPALYPSE 2016 objectification survey part 3 – HOTTEST MALES AND FEMALES in k-pop!

The final part of the Kpopalypse 2016 objectification survey is here!  Let's check out the hottest overall males and females in k-pop, according to Kpopalypse readers!

2016overallhead

Victim Blame: Taeyeon VS Sasaeng Edition


Sasaengs are pretty much the most embarrassing people you can come across in the K-Pop world. They represent everything wrong with getting obsessed with a singer and even the most semi-level headed fans pretty much understand this.

But in the most recent case where Taeyeon showed fans what she has to put up with on a regular basis quite a few people were putting the blame on her.

Results of the KPOPALYPSE 2016 objectification survey part 2 – BEST FEMALE BOOBS and MALE ABS in k-pop!

It's time for part 2 of the results of the Kpopalypse 2016 objectification survey!  Let's find out who has the best boobs and abs in k-pop in 2016 according to Kpopalypse readers!

2016object2head

Fancam Education: Minx's Sua



I saw the results for the poll and I realized we have let you all down. Some of the best asses in kpop didn't even get a mention and that is clearly because we failed to show them to you. So I will start with this fancam. I hope your appreciation for Sua from Minx will, how shall we say... grow.

Friday, July 8, 2016

Results of the KPOPALYPSE 2016 objectification survey part 1 - BEST ASSES in k-pop!

Here it is - finally the results of the 2016 Kpopalypse Objectification Survey!  Read on to see how well your bias performed in the all-important area of being ogled at and fapped to!

2016objecthead

So is Jimin really (good and) hot (and fresh and fly)?


For some reason, FNC decided that Jimin, nasal-voiced rapper extraordinaire (???) should be the first member of AOA to debut solo. Why they didn’t pick inarguable sex goddess and vocal all-star Choa is a mystery to me (UPDATE: they did, but it was a really boring ballad so I forgot about it. Oops?), but I guess they were trying to capitalize on the exposure Jimin got from appearing on Unpretty Rapstar. Or maybe they were just blown away by her iconic rap intro to Like a Cat.

Whatever the reason, Jimin got her solo debut. And oh my god, it is an emoji-ridden hellscape. She raps like a whiny baby and her weird pigtail-beret situation in the video makes her look like one too. The song is somehow both boring and extremely irritating. Even the title (Call You Bae) is a millennial nightmare. But because I love suffering, I watched the video all the way through to the end.



Thursday, July 7, 2016

Han Ye Seul for Harper Bazaar

A photo posted by Han Ye Seul _ ν•œμ˜ˆμŠ¬ (@leslie_allwehaveisus) on

Another HYS photoshoot where she looks jjangbak as fuck.

Fuck Your Favorite K-Pop Idol in 2030


I read this interesting article at Breitbart at work yesterday. It has absolutely nothing to do with K-Pop, but assuming this technology comes out as fast as the dude says, I'll probably have a new job making K-Pop sexbots if Korea doesn't beat me to the punch.

Instead of humping cardboard cutouts of your favorite idol, you can just fuck a robot version of them instead.


Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Yuri/Hani Death Match

Watch this video, starting from about 3:25. Ignore Yoona, the world's most anodyne human being. Ignore Sooyoung trying and failing. Watch for about 25 seconds. I'll wait.




Monday, July 4, 2016

[MV Review] Sonamoo - "I Like U Too Much"



Sonamoo return after a year with lukewarm results.

Taeyeon - Why Dance Version


Today is Independence Day, and SM literally just released this dance version of Taeyeon's jjangbak hit "Why". SM is playing with my patriotic feelings here, knowing full well that I want a TAEXIT from SNSD so that she can enjoy her own independence from SNSD's horrid discography since 2011.

And isn't Kpop amazing when Korea can make a fucking dance MV look better than 95% of the MVs released around the world? I attribute a lot of that to Taeng's hotness, but still.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Kpop's Most Iconic Song Intros

Kpop, to a degree infinitely greater than Western pop, is prone to appending informative introductions to their songs. And every now and then, these first ten to fifteen seconds of a song are so unbelievably ridiculous or catchy (or ridiculously catchy) that they far overshadow the remainder. Here are a few of my favourites:



Saturday, July 2, 2016

AKF Interview: Koreaboos Can Now be Koreans


Hey everyone, our society has degraded to the point to where I can't make fun of Koreaboos any longer because everyone can identify whatever the fuck as they want. Here, I interview a fat, white American girl who thinks she's now Korean. Fuck our society.


Friday, July 1, 2016

Fancam Appreciation: Twice's Nayeon in the Rain



The fancam appreciation has been hiatus for a little while, but I saw Nayeon being all wet and had to share.

Normally she's probably only used to being this wet when she has Momo, Mina and Sana tied up with their legs spread apart. "You three are going to atone for the sins of your ancestors," says Nayeon as she continuously makes the three Japanese girls squirt all over herself.