I had hoped to take a break from lists for a while, but because I'm always so eager to take on board constructive feedback and please you lovely readers, I have now added "most fapped to" into my yearly list posts. So let's completely ignore musical content in MVs for a change and instead have a recap of what Kpopalypse thought was hot and sexy in 2014!

10. AOA (Ace Of Angels) - Short Hair
The first half of 2014 will be forever known to Kpopalypse as "Fapgate"
- the time when the management behind girl groups suddenly realised en
masse that guys wanting to jizz themselves over MVs of girls in tight
clothing and/or lingerie was a niche market yet to be exploited in k-pop
to its full potential. Upon realising this FNC Entertainment quickly
exchanged Jimin's Gibson SG for a snugly-fitting dress and turned AOA's
fortunes around from nugus to established stars in the space of only a
few months. AOA's "Miniskirt"
might have kicked off Fapgate into high gear at the start of 2014 but
"Short Hair" had something that "Miniskirt" did not - Jimin in a traffic
police uniform. Police uniforms are hot because of the combination of
smart tailoring and the power of police to molest you without you being
able to do anything about it is very "classy sexy". I had some traffic
cops turn up on my door the other week to ask me some shit and if they
looked this cute I think I would have spread my anus a lot more readily.
9. Stellar - Mask
If AOA's "Miniskirt" started Fapgate, Stellar's "Mask" ended it, by
taking the group that brought you the milk-soaked "Marionette"
and adding more clothes yet increasing the sexiness anyway, thus
confusing the shit out of all those agencies that thought they had
everything figured out at the start of the year. After this song the
ratio of pure fap concepts in k-pop returned to normal. Also, many
years ago I dated a girl who looked a bit like Stellar's Hyoeun (idols
resembling ex-girlfriends will be a common theme in this list so get
used to it), she had the same curly red hair, weird eyes and big boobs
thing going on that Hyoeun does here in this video. The relationship
only lasted a couple weeks because as it turned out she was a crazy
heroin-addicted prostitute with behaviour more random than Dara's
hairstyles but watching this video brought back good memories of blowing
loads of cum over her boobs before things went sour so that really
helped my fap along here.
8. 2NE1 - Crush
Hey Blackjacks, Kpopalypse is about to say something nice about 2NE1 so
sit up straight and pay attention. After floundering around for the
better part of two years making nothing of worth, 2NE1 finally managed
to produce about 12 seconds of what I consider to be culturally relevant
content, and they're all contained in the "Crush" MV, sandwiched
between 0:47 and 1:00. I'm not sure how they managed it or what sorcery
was used, but Bom looks honestly astoundingly cute in the fake
backstage dressing room footage here (presumably cosplaying someone who would actually be let onto a stage)
and once again resembles an ex-girlfriend somewhat which is always a
fap value-booster for me. She's never pulled off a look this good
before or since so I don't have my hopes up for a repeat of this level
of hotness in the future but given the way features shift around on her
face from one video to the next like colours on a Rubik's cube I suppose
anything could happen.
7. 15& - Sugar
Fuck you JYP, why did you have to make a video for 15&'s "Sugar" in
May 2014? If you had waited only a couple more months, Park Jimin
would have been 17 in the video which is legal age where I live and then
I would have been able to fap without feeling creepy. 15& released
a shitload of videos on JYP's channel but since Park Jimin turned 17
they've done fucking nothing on their channel at all, which is a bit
fucking suspicious if you ask me, perhaps JYP has lost interest in Park
Jimin now that she's older and actually hot, I think Chris Hansen needs
to fly to Korea and tell JYP to take a seat. Park Jimin looks fantastic
here (uncannily styled just like one of my super-cute 25 year old
ex-girlfriends) but I refuse to fap to this because it makes me feel
weird, even though if me and her were married with parental consent we'd
be technically legal here - where I live age of consent for girls is
17, unless you're married to her in which case 16 is fine and
100% legal. So maybe I can fap to this after all, I just need to also
imagine a ring on Park Jimin's finger while she's giving me a handjob,
but then I just imagine my foreskin getting caught in it so fuck that
shit, I'll stick to checking out her more recent Instagram pics
instead. Oh and fuck you JYP. He'd better not leave this group on the
shelf along with 90% of his other artists now that Park Jimin is
actually boneable.
6. Clara ft. Yasu - Fear
Everyone wondered why Clara's debut song didn't make it onto my
"worst-of" list, but the answer should be obvious enough - I couldn't
assess it as I had no idea what it sounded like because I don't usually
watch porn with the sound on. In fact I still can't remember what this
song sounds like, I just played it again now to try and recollect but
then Clara's boobs appeared and I was like "where's the lube" and I got
distracted. Who cares what it sounds like. I also don't care about her
legal troubles
with her label or whatever, who gives a shit who is suing who and why,
it's not my fucking problem so I don't give a fuck. The minute she sues
me then I'll start caring about what's on her phone or whatever. While
every other k-pop fan gossips away about what they read about Clara in
the media or some lame comment translation site like an old maid talking
about some shit that they've half-heard whispered through a keyhole,
I'll continue to jerk it to Clara's boobs. Priorities.
5. Raina ft. Kanto - You, End & Me
Everyone zeroed in on Raina and San E's "A Midsummer Night's Sweetness"
as a video that I would be interested in for fap purposes, and while
that's definitely true, her song with Kanto from nugu group Troy was
just a little bit more up my alley. "You, End & Me" has superior
clothing for a start, favouring cute and tight-fitting jumpers that show
some serious boob-enhancing properties. Even better, "You, End &
Me" is a breakup song, so that means that Raina is available at the end
of the video. That's great because it means that I don't have to
imagine her getting the dick from some k-hip-hop loser. In that last
scene where he walks away from her at the table I can imagine myself
giving him a high-five, saying "I'll give you Nana's number later" and
then wandering over and sitting down. Hey Raina, it's okay, Kpopalypse
is here. Let's go back to my place. I promise I'm not a rapper. You
can't trust those rapper guys Raina, they're no good. They'll hurt you
every time.
4. Chaness - SeSeSe
Exploring new frontiers of "classy sexy",
the MV for LPG subunit Chaness features a girl getting raped by a drunk
guy while another girl watches, and still only gets a 15 from the MOGEF
because at least they didn't kick any traffic cones
in the process. Of course actual rape is completely horrible and isn't
sexy at all, but pretendy rape where nobody actually gets raped but
very nicely-dressed actors and actresses just gyrate against each other
and rip each other's clothing a little for the camera is hot as fuck.
Just ask any JAV fan, 90% of that stuff is guys pretending to rape
girls... and the other 10% is girls pretending to rape guys. If you've
been longing for your favourite k-idol to make the transition into the
rapey JAV scene, this video is about as close as you're going to get for
now unless you're a Dal Shabet fan.
3. Gain ft. Bumkey - Fuck U
Of course nobody does "classy sexy" quite like Gain, the original
"classy sexy" idol, and if you cruise the comments section of this video
you can see all sorts of people debating about what this song means.
The reason for this is that half of the commenters fapped to it and they
don't want to admit that they just blew their load over some pretendy
rape so they've got to justify it to themselves somehow and say that
it's not about rape really but just a "difficult relationship". I
suppose being raped would probably make a relationship pretty
"difficult", yeah. Meanwhile, this mediocre, awkward-sounding song got
to #1 on a whole lot of other people's best-of lists for 2014 mostly
likely because the writers wanted to look edgy and smart and champion
art that "raises questions", while of course refusing to acknowledge
that half the audience were fapping to the answers. There's no reason not to - Gain getting ripped off her tits on Bumkey's stash and playing "Human Centipede" never looked so good, and the guy is Gain's real-life boyfriend, so let's not get too squeamish about a bit of play-acting here. Not only that but the two actually met and begun their relationship
while shooting this MV, so actually what you're watching is one of
Gain's most romantic real-life moments, captured on film. Mind blown
yet?
2. As One - For The Night
The girls in As One are both pretty hot, especially the one with the
hat who has a bit of a Minkyung vibe about her which I really like (i.e
is a winner in life, is pretty, maybe smoked a cigarette in high school
once or twice). What's even hotter than this is girls in maid
uniforms. Not real maids of course - actual maids these days don't ever
wear anything this sexy in real life and even the pretend maids in porn
films don't get the fucking maid uniform right half the time. It's
important when cosplaying a maid to only use the colours black and white
and in the correct proportions but there's no need for me to describe
it down to the last detail here in text because the girl in As One's
"For The Night" MV visually demonstrates the ideal maid uniform applied
correctly. I'd hire a maid myself to clean up my place if I knew I was
going to get something this hot but I'm sure if I insisted on a hot one
and then tried to make her wear the right costume instead of whatever
boring shit she normally wears I'd probably get hung at dawn by some
anti-discrimination-against-fugly-people activist group... and that'd be
before I even asked for the blowjob.
1. Apink - LUV
In 2014 it was no competition, the true masters of the k-pop white-coater
sex concept are Apink and they delivered the fap yet again, as reliable
as clockwork. Apink's label really have to think outside the square
with Apink's concepts these days and they're doing an outstanding job.
The group are at that age in their careers where a maturing of their
concept is necessary to keep their equally maturing fanbase alive, yet
at the same time the paper-thin veneer of "cute innocence" has been this
group's bread and butter. Fortunately for the agency, Apink's fanbase
have been spoonfed bullshit for so long that when a "dirty whores
jacking off strangers in trenchcoats in the park" concept appears
they're too dim to recognise it, but that's okay because the rest of us
can still fap. I know some of you have trouble reading between the
lines so Kpopalypse White Coater Comics is here to break it down for you
and destroy your innocence.
KPOPALYPSE WHITE-COATER COMICS PRESENTS: APINK - LUV



Later that day:




Towards early evening:





The
real jacking off will start soon when Apink's sex scandal gets
released, but until then this will do nicely. Anyway thanks for reading
and Kpopalypse will return... whether you like it or not! But if you don't like it, hopefully you find it "classy sexy"!
That As One video! Hnnnnnng! I fapped to that even more times then I fapped to Zest's Last Night Story
ReplyDeleteYes, the As One MV was almost at softcore level. Pretty good for Kpop.
DeleteI wasn't surprised you put APink on the top :))
ReplyDeleteI was surprised Marionette wasn't on the list.
KPOPkalypse has fallen sway to the Gayo Ojeok devil! He desires a future where all idols only wear schoolgirl uniforms and dance poorly!
DeleteUnknown, you didn't manage to work your love of awards somehow into this comment. You're slipping.
DeleteOnly if T-ara is mentioned Kpopkalyse, only if T-ara is mentioned because we all know you fucking love T-ara despite how their reputation in Korea is forever tarnished. Of course, you are also a hypocrite in that you hate the J-Idol style of innocence pandering yet you lap up A-Pink and Lovelyz who is aiming at the same market who listens to J-Idols.
DeleteWith female girl groups in Korea you can see them acting sexy one day. With female groups in Japan? Just give up, they will remain innocent "pure" angels until they leave and start a JAV career.
What even is this comment lol
DeleteJesus Christ.
DeleteThe only thing Kpopalypse has said about J-pop is that the music sucks. He has also said that just about any concept a girl group does is fappable. Japan doesn't own a monopoly on "cuteness".
Please, go away.
Lmao at this entire conversation
DeleteI am calling you a hypocrite kpopkalypse.
DeleteHahahaha
DeleteIf you're that pressed about whether I like group A or group B or j-pop or k-pop then I think the entire point of why I write at all has sailed straight past you.
This is worse than AFF no joke
ReplyDeleteWhen I first watched Hyoeun in Mask I literally screamed: "Wow! She looks like a crazy heroin-addicted prostitute! I'M IN LUV!" She's climbing up my waifu-list since then.
ReplyDeleteI know, right? There's definitely something murderous looking about Hyoeun's eyes, especially in Mask. This gives me an idea for a fanfic.
Deletehttp://40.media.tumblr.com/450c891cb726b288a256bc61cf78160d/tumblr_ni1f43YeSA1sbzajxo1_500.jpg
DeleteDidn't expect to see For The Night here, that's definitely my number one.
ReplyDeleteDidn't expect to see For The Night here, that's definitely my number one.
ReplyDeleteI can't see myself ever fapping to those pink bitches.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, thanks for the Clara video. I never knew she had a single cumming.
T-ara videos would qualify if the editing wasn't so seizure inducing lmao
ReplyDeleteI expected One more but this will do. Never looked at apink like that before haha.
ReplyDeleteAre there no KPOP MV's about idols jacking off?
I don't know if that qualifies, but at the end of Body Language, San E wakes up on his couch from a rather "naughty" dream with a toilet paper roll and some used tissues on the coffee table in front of him.
Deletetoo tame. We Need more Male Fan service ..
DeleteI hate 2NE1's Japanese ergh and I really can't stand CL or Minzy
ReplyDeleteThank goodness you wrote down the exact seconds of Bom's magical part in Crush or else I wouldn't have lasted 10 seconds trying to look for which part you were talking about
Actually it's the English that bothers me about 2NE1. For a group that has at least one member with perfect English who is also a lyricist they sure can't write decent sounding English lines.
Delete