RIP Kim Jonghyun

As many of you have already learned today (or yesterday depending on your time zone), SHINee's Jonghyun passed away due to suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning.




Jonghyun's passing has been hard on me all day today, and that is why I waited so long to make a post about this. Jonghyun was the same age as me, 27. This is an age where adults are still learning about themselves and the world, working towards their goals, ready to take life on after completing university and landing their first professional job. It's an age where we stop focusing on all of the stuff that we are simply supposed to do as expected of society and start making our own collective marks in the world. Obviously someone like Jonghyun has been doing that since he debuted at 18, but even at 27, there were still many things he had to look forward to doing as he gained life experiences. Maybe he wanted to marry and have children, continue writing and composing music, expand his solo career to continue to try music different than what he did with SHINee. He still had many opportunities ahead of him in life.

However, as someone who has traveled down the same dark path Jonghyun did, I understand him all too well. Depression is a mental illness that you can never truly defeat. It is an evil that you have to battle each and every day, and there are days, even weeks, months, or years, where depression completely dominates your mind no matter how much you fight. I thankfully never got to the point of being suicidal, but I know the feeling of no longer wanting to live. It was a little over a year ago when I was driving home from a client. I was about 15 minutes away from home, and I was behind a really slow driver. I was irritated beyond belief because I had been trying to pass that person for the past few miles but couldn't because of how hilly the road was. I tried pulling into the other lane to pass him, but saw an oncoming car barreling straight towards me. Instinctively, I slammed my brakes and pulled my car back behind the slow driver. Instead of being thankful that nothing had happened, I had wished that I had gotten into an accident that would have been fatal. I believe the only thing that saved me that night was not wanting to involve an innocent person. A few days later, due to that and other problems, I finally started getting the help that I needed. Knowing how I had felt that night, I can only begin to imagine the darkness that it would take to willingly take your own life.

If anyone reading this is or has suffered from depression, just remember that you are not alone and don't have to battle it alone. There will always be people close to you that will help you.

We must not blame Jonghyun, and I hope those close to Jonghyun don't blame themselves. Every person has his or her limit in the amount of pain he or she is able to bear. I'm just thankful for his suffering ending and that he can live a healthier life in his next existence. I just hope people continue to remember him for what he accomplished with SHINee and the joy that he brought to his fans. While this life was short for him, he can continue to live on through his music and our memories.