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Thursday, May 30, 2013

Why We All Get Fucked by SM's Lack of Originality

For a couple of days now, SM has been teasing us with hints of finally debuting a new male soloist. That shit would have been the first male soloist from SM since Kangta, almost 13 years ago. 13 years. You know what happened 13 years ago? Not Y2K, but that's beside the point.

At any rate, that was a long ass fucking time ago, so for SM to pull something like this certainly surprised everyone.

Long essay post inc., beware.

Immediately after hearing the news, I had a few random speculations.

<--- "What the fuck? No more SM idol focus?" --->

We all know what massive clusterfuck the debut of EXO was to the KPop fandom, and the addition of the batshit crazy EXOTICs to the stan-stew certainly did nothing for the image of fangirls and fanboys being the rabid scourge on what might be an enjoyable music scene that they are. SM going with a soloist potentially of BoA-tier goodness might actually put some fans back into the SMTown roster, and we all know how big of a nut our boss Chuck busts over Boa.

"I be puttin' on sum o' dat chapstick fo' dis dome I 'bout to dish fo' Chuck."
<--- "SM might actually give a shit about what they're putting out there for once?" --->

For me, this was probably the most anticipated part of the whole thing. Honestly speaking, the last good male soloists probably died with Rain and Se7en's entries into the military and Psy's clusterfuck of a follow-up track to Gangnam Style (aka Gentleman, aka the MV That Shalt Not Be Reviewed). Rain's too busy fucking Kim Tae Hee to give a shit about his public image, let alone drop a decent track (and no, that potential collaboration with Psy gives me nothing to look forward to). Se7en's too busy fucking Park Han Byul to give a shit about his music either, and with his street cred looking none too good right now after celebrity soldiering, I don't think he's coming back any time soon. Psy's probably chasin' that dolla all over the globe, and until he gets his shit together, we won't be counting on the Concert King for much lately.

This sets up the perfect opportunity for a decent, not even amazing, male soloist to step in and take the scene by storm. If SM tried to put out something halfway good (eg. anything that's not the schizoelectro-trash that's been raining on our heads lately), they might have a male version of Ailee or Juniel for the SM stanners to fap to and buy shit from.

All the speculation took place in my brain until I saw the attached teaser pic.


Every hope and expectation I had for this turned to shit right before my eyes. More of that garbage hoodrat-chic dumpster dive concept SM stole from YG, dipped in pink, and scooped out of the toilet SNSD used for I Got a Boy? Nope, nope, nope, fuck you SM. But it gets even better when we find out exactly who this poor soul is.
After releasing two teaser photos yesterday, SM Entertainment has revealed the identity of their new solo male artist with two new photos. It is none other than Henry, who previously performed with Super Junior and Super Junior-M.
Henry is a multi-talented artist who is skilled in dancing, singing, piano, and violin. He can also speak Korean, English, and Chinese, and already has established popularity all over the world as part of Super Junior-M. He also has shown off his composing skills as part of the composer team, “Noise Bank.”
According to SM Entertainment, Henry will be showing  his unique musical color and numerous charms through his solo album. Henry will be releasing his first solo mini-album titled, “Trap,” on June 7. [re: Soompi cause fuck Allkpop and its shitty new site, Chucklyfe4lyfe]
Henry? That nice kid I kinda liked on Celebrity Masterchef Korea while watching Fei cook?!

What in the actual fuck is this shit? Who thought writing one's name in cursive on the chest was hard shit? Not only did they steal shit from YG, they stole shit from Recess too. Yeah, that Recess.

Recess's Kindergartners 
+
Fantastic Baby-era Taeyang
+
Baby Einstein shit
=


What the actual fuck man? SM trolled me so hard with this shit, I fear the final result. Not only are we forced to deal with some half-assed shit they stole from other people, this shit propagates the horrible trends currently floating around in KPop as we speak. I curse the dumbass who thought this ghetto-chic bullshit was  a good thing. Hopefully, this is just teaser shit that never actually sees its way into the actual MV. Once upon a time, SM teasers were as horrendous as Super Junior's Mr. Simple but turned out fairly okay in the MV. But that was then, and this is now. I Got a Boy's horrible outfits/concept came out exactly as advertised, and other KPop groups thought it was okay to do the same since SM did it first.

But who knows, maybe my hopes and dreams will come true and we'll see an actual good song/solo debut from SM instead of the usual trash it's been pumping out. Or maybe I'll be right on the money and this will be utter trash. A man can dream... A man can dream...

In a world full of fuck, we can only count on Seobot.

at

28 comments:

  1. Fany PackMay 30, 2013 at 2:17 AM

    Love you, Henry, but no. Just so many levels of no

    ReplyDelete
  2. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)May 30, 2013 at 2:44 AM

    lol, just listened to exo's wolf. it actually really hurts. here's the link if anyone wants it:
    https://soundcloud.com/euthereal/exo-wolf

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. InfamistMay 30, 2013 at 4:30 AM

      Get that disgusting shit out of here.
      I can deal with dead baby jokes invloving coitus, but this is too much.

      Delete
    2. AnonymousMay 30, 2013 at 10:00 AM

      i knew it was the most jjangbak song on the planet

      Delete
  3. Nayeon's VibratorMay 30, 2013 at 4:35 AM

    Zaku knows me so well.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousMay 30, 2013 at 6:44 AM

    The MV's out. It's as cringeworthy as the audio is LOL

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAal8xHfV0c

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. chibinekoMay 30, 2013 at 8:16 AM

      The video makes the song bearable XD

      Delete
    2. AnonymousMay 30, 2013 at 10:22 AM

      i always listen to the chinese versions first with exo because their sound is so much more natural that way

      also yes the mv does make the song a million times better even though i think this is the most unattractive concept i've seen recently

      Delete
    3. AnonymousMay 30, 2013 at 4:35 PM

      Me too. i can forgive myself for listening Exo as long as its their chinese ver... thats why i totally flipped out when they still include that sa-rang-heyo part in Wolf chinese..aaarggghh

      Delete
    4. Taeyeon_FaggosisMay 30, 2013 at 9:51 PM

      It would be weirder if that went Wo Ai Ni Yo !!! And yeah, the Chinese track sounds more natural. But their album has some good songs btw

      Delete
    5. AnonymousMay 30, 2013 at 10:18 PM

      i think that awkward saranghaeyo part should have been cut altogether it adds nothing

      Delete
    6. AnonymousMay 31, 2013 at 7:08 PM

      Their Chinese versions are always better than the Korean version. Except maybe in Wolf's case, because - surprise surprise - SM shit on a good thing as usual and included EXO-K in the Chinese version.

      Delete
  5. chibinekoMay 30, 2013 at 8:20 AM

    Because my brain likes to zone out at random times of the day and leave my body hanging for whatever reason, I scrolled down all the way to the first picture (the one with the Barbie), and thought it was G-Dragon (or rather, a heavily doped up G-Druggin XD). I was rather surprised and slightly horrified to find out that it was Henry, from SJ-M. Seriously SM? You're gonna do this guy like this? First you fuck him and Zhou Mi over by excluding them from the main SuJu group, and then you give him this "Baby's First Fake Tattoo" b/s concept? I can handle this kind of mess from G-Druggin; it's his forte, if you will. But why'd you have to go and do all of this mess?

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousMay 30, 2013 at 9:57 AM

    i actually like henry he's one of the few non hack sj members but god damn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AnonymousMay 30, 2013 at 10:04 AM

      this looks like henry's teaser pic for mr. simple when he should have replaced heechul

      Delete
  7. U-Know Who Has Man TitsMay 30, 2013 at 2:49 PM

    I knew it was Henry! He is actually pretty talented. Just hope they give him an inspirational concept similar to GG itnw, ya know trying out new things.

    ReplyDelete
  8. TonedeadMay 30, 2013 at 9:22 PM

    They should make Seohyun a soloist and just destroy everyone's brains.
    I know it would ruin SM forever but I don't curr.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AnonymousMay 31, 2013 at 5:42 AM

      mecha lovers would definitely support the Seobot...

      Delete
    2. TonedeadMay 31, 2013 at 11:21 PM

      Its my secret dream that she becomes a soloist too bad she's probably signed into a life time of GG-ness.

      Delete
  9. UnknownMay 31, 2013 at 4:16 AM

    I love Henry and all, but no. Hell no.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Aliyah1996May 31, 2013 at 10:18 AM

    Lol Wolf took me a couple listens to, but as an Exotc I like it, because when I like one part of a song I listen to it repeatedly and then end up finding another part I like. Anyways, the part that did it for me was the singing parts. I hate K-rap. S'crap.
    But still, I hope Henry's solo debut will redeem SM. Henry's good altogether but SM can't manage their artists for shit, the Kangta thing is just as ridiculous as BoA's Hurricane venus.

    ReplyDelete
  11. chibinekoMay 31, 2013 at 2:23 PM

    Simple - they need to give ELFs and Shawols some incentive to like this video too :3

    ReplyDelete
  12. AnonymousMay 31, 2013 at 7:16 PM

    Thank goodness. Then again Wolf's teaser looked like a real out of the box MV too but where did that go?

    ReplyDelete
  13. NoMay 31, 2013 at 9:20 PM

    Shut up.
    I hate you.
    Never post here again.

    ReplyDelete
  14. AnonymousJune 1, 2013 at 1:40 AM

    wolf looked like a trainwreck from the very first teaser picture

    ReplyDelete
  15. AnonymousJune 1, 2013 at 1:43 AM

    also while taemin is always a risky singer to pick (owing to his lackluster jjong wannabe voice and sub par skills), kyuhyun is nearly always a good addition vocally.
    not looking forward to those clothes though god what did they did to mochi

    ReplyDelete
  16. greasybyuntaeJune 1, 2013 at 3:26 AM

    Ew, wolf. Honestly, I have high-ish hopes for Henry. I'm also a girl and he's shirtless (it'd be nice if they ditched those fake-ass tattoos though). I dunno, I've always felt kinda bad for him, he got kicked out of Suju because their fans are crazy and just got relinquished to the chinese subgroup, despite being better than 99% of that group. (I mean, hullo, Shindong) I figure the solo group was SM's way of being like "yo, only13... fuck you." And I admire that they have the balls to do that. Hopefully the batshit fangirls don't retract all their stocks now because the chinese dude whose career they fucked over is now actually getting something..

    I also don't know if this'll do anything for anyone here but the guy actually does know a bit about what he's doing, he plays like a crapton of instruments and stuff...

    ReplyDelete
  17. 枯淡June 2, 2013 at 9:22 PM

    I would so pay to see that boy get dropped in the middle of the ghetto (don't care what city, just someplace full of black/latino dudes who think they go hard) decked out in his teaser attire. Shit would be hilarious.

    ReplyDelete

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