KPOPALYPSE’s Christmas song roundup 2013

The k-pop industry releases lots of Christmas songs every year, ensuring that song quality in the world of k-pop goes straight to hell every December.  Braving the shitstorm of rapid-fire crimes against music perpetrated by nearly every Korean label large and small, it's time for your resident k-pop grinch to round up all the Christmas songs for 2013.  I'll be listing all the efforts in chronological order that the music videos were released, giving each one a score and showing you the incredibly scientific methods used to calculate each score that I gave.

November 12th - KARA:

Wasting no time getting their Christmas shit together nice and early (probably for contractual reasons to do with Nicole leaving), KARA bring us this outstandingly dull song which is presumably their last hurrah as a five-piece.  Everyone shed a tear for those crazy KARA fans who spam k-pop forums.

+5 it's a song...
-5 ....that sucks an ibex's bootyhole
-7 wind chimes and sleigh bells used in rhythm track, fuck off with that cheesy shit
+5 all girls look outstandingly good
+2 the bicycle featured at 1:25 visibly has brakes and multiple gears and is therefore not a trendy hipster fixed-gear brakeless piece of useless shit, thank you KARA for promoting responsible cycling

Final score - Zero.

December 1st - Crayon Pop:

Crayon Pop's "Lonely Christmas" is charming and cool not to mention funny as fuck which is just about unheard of for any Christmas song, anywhere.  Sadly it's also almost completely redundant thanks to the inclusion of bits of their other songs.

+5 it's a song...
+2 ...that actually sounds good...
-10 ...but has far too much key content stolen from BarBarBar to be worth paying attention to in its own right
+1 dance is hilariously daft
+3 chant-happy song structure will annoy vocalfags
+1 Soyul shooting the HK53 Daewoo K1 submachinegun for seemingly no reason is delightfully random and resonates with Christmas shopping frustration
-1 Choa in drag is cool but still a boner-killer
-1 making a Flash animation version was a great idea but the end result just looks fucking creepy

Final score - Zero.

December 2nd - Bikiny:

This nugu group can't really play the big-boobs card that they've been using up until now and keep the family-friendly Christmas vibe going as well, so they have to make a choice.  Which choice do they make?  Sadly, the wrong one.

+5 it's a song...
-5 ...that sucks a sloth lemur's dick
-1 singing into highly-sensitive studio condensor microphones using the wrong angle and without pop shielding
+2 one girl has bucked teeth so her face kind of looks like a bunny which is cute
+3 the song is called "white love" which makes me think of jizzing on aforementioned bunny girl's exposed teeth
-4 boobs not as big as hyped in previous Bikiny videos, proving that it was all a lie *sob, sniff*

Final score - Zero.

December 2nd - Seul Gi (rookie of SM Entertainment):

What is this amateur-ass crap cluttering up my subscription feed.  Do rookies really have nothing better to do than wander the streets in a drug-haze singing randomly and posting the results on YouTube?  I suppose they'd better enjoy the freedom to wander outdoors that they soon won't have once they debut and the crazy EXO fans accuse them of being oppa-stealing whores and start hissing at them everywhere they go.

+5 it's a song...
-5 ...that sucks a hyena's dick, even the person who wrote it didn't give a fuck about it and thought Christmas was bullshit
-1 it's not even a new Christmas song but a cover, lazy ass fucks
+2 mercifully short
+1 cars driving by make a pleasant noise somewhat superior to the song itself
-2 the girl walks backwards unsafely through the entire MV but doesn't fall over

Final score - Zero.

December 3rd - United Cube (collaboration of Cube label artists):

I like it how the guys are singing while holding wine bottles, tacitly acknowledging that the only way to tolerate Christmas without suiciding is by getting drunk, falling over, puking on yourself and forgetting that you exist while mentally blocking out everything else around you.  All the overacted Christmas cheer is really hard to watch though, how can you call your group "Beast" and then look really happy about giving gifts and standing in a line swaying and wearing fuzzy caps, we all know they're a bunch of domestic-violence-loving motherfuckers after all fanfiction never lies.

+5 it's a song...
-5 ...that sucks a dog's dick
+3 promotes reckless alcoholism
+2 sleigh bells and wind chimes not used, even though they would have arguably worked for this song
-5 Hyuna in the video but not showing any skin
+4 rest of 4minute look cute though
-4 cringeworthy overacting makes the MV essentially unwatchable
-1 guy in the red and black top looks like he's straining to take a shit and is painful to watch
+1 indoor snow looks cool and is hilarious

Final score - Zero.

December 4th - EXO:

As the world's #1 catalyst for crazy k-pop fangirls right now, we all knew that EXO was going to release a Christmas song and it was going to be the sappiest thing imaginable, the timing of which surprised absolutely nobody at all except netizens who think they know everything about idols yet are still struggling with the most straightforward basics of how the music industry works.

+5 it's a song...
-5 ...that sucks a caribou's ass
+2 apocalyptic snowscapes look great and conjure up fantasies of stranding the songwriters on a floating iceberg and letting global warming do the rest
+1 one of the EXO members actually gets to use one of their much-hyped superpowers
-2 relentlessly sappy and emotionally manipulative video story
-1 puppy is cute but the only charismatic actor in the video and mostly hidden from view

Final score - Zero.

December 5th - 2Bic:

I don't even know much about this duo group really, and chances are thanks to this video I'm probably not going to investigate them a whole lot further.

+5 it's a song...
-5 ...that sucks a cheetah's dick
-3 wind chimes used in the backing track at key intervals
+1 the girl isn't ugly
+2 I suppose it could be worse I could be in a war getting my legs blown off or something

Final score - Zero.

December 9th - Jelly Christmas (collaboration of Jellyfish label artists):

I've never even heard of Jellyfish Entertainment, which just goes to show that after years of listening to k-pop I'm still a nugu.  Still, from the sound of this I don't think I've been missing much.

+5 it's a song...
-5 ...that drinks a camel's cum
+4 superb and highly creative sand art video
-3 some of the sand art is actually CGI cheating though, plus there's tons of edits, both of which dilute the point of even having a sand art video in the first place which really should be one take with no edits so you can marvel at the creativity of it properly
-1 lame Christian overtones, CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT PRESENTS AND NOTHING ELSE, get it right

Final score - Zero.

December 10th - Byun Jin Sup & Queen B'Z:

This video is so budget-stretched that even the SM rookie walking the street with a handicam looks like it had more money spent on it.  Makes sense I guess because if you're a smaller label why throw your money away on a video for a garbage song that will be forgotten as soon as it comes out.

+5 it's a song...
-5 ...that tastes a mountain goat's ass
+2 video shows correct microphone placement and pop shielding suggesting that the song was actually recorded during the video shoot, rather than just being a pretend session for the cameras, which is kind of cool even if it betrays the incredible lack of budget for this thing
+1 video so cheap as fuck that they can't even afford Christmas decorations which is good because I get sick of seeing that shit everywhere around this time of year
-3 that "la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la" vocal line, where's Soyul and her submachinegun when you really need it

Final score - Zero.

December 11th - Mystic Holiday (collaboration of Mystic89 label artists):

Mystic89 stands up to represent smaller labels and proudly shows that they can release worthless Christmas collaborations of a slightly higher quality than the average.

+5 it's a song...
+2 ...which is actually not too bad...
-7 ...if you can ignore the sleigh bells and wind chimes
-2 not to mention the gratuitous "ho ho ho"-ing etc
+4 the artists actually do pull off the appearance of genuinely having fun with the concept, probably due to not all of them looking like they've walked straight out of a Gangnam clinic
-1 disturbing furry cosplay could cause emotional scarring
-1 stupid Korean-variety-show-worthy humour in general

Final score - Zero.

December 12th - Starship Planet (collaboration of Starship label artists):

In some countries where they use the electric chair for executions, instead of one switch to turn on the chair and fry the person, there are three, or five.  Several people each have a switch and they all pull it together, and the chair only goes on when they all do it at the same time.  This way, no one person can say "I was definitely the one who killed that guy in the chair" and therefore they feel less guilt and are psychologically more able to cope with their job.  I think that getting together all the big artists on your label to participate in one big shithouse Christmas song reflects the same philosophy; nobody can say "I was the one directly responsible for propagating this trash" and therefore idols are able to retain their self-esteem and sleep at night even after hamming it up in these shitty music videos.

+5 it's a song...
-5  ...that tastes a panda's ass
-7  more annoying sleigh bells and wind chimes ugh
+3 promotes reckless alcoholism
+3 the name "snow candy" makes me imagine all these people sitting around doing lines of cocaine and methamphetamine before shooting the video, which is kind of funny and seems appropriate somehow because if I were an idol I'd sure need a shitload of drugs inside me to cope with having to make music like this
+2 Hyolyn has something written on her chest that's hard to read so you can freeze frame it and zoom into her boobs really close for a good perv and if anyone gives you any grief about it you can just say "I'm trying to read what it says, okay?" and they can't really say shit
-1  Soyou has a superior rack but doesn't really get to show it whatsoever, I'm not asking for acres of cleavage (although I won't say no to it) but they could have at least made that top a bit more skin-tight or something

Final score - Zero.
 
December 13th - T-ara:

Never a group to miss an opportunity to release something just because they can, T-ara's Christmas effort is musically a bit better than most of what's on offer here but still a long way from something that would actually come out as a T-ara single under normal circumstances, or that any self-respecting person would listen to more than they absolutely had to.

+5 it's a song...
+1 ...and it's listenable I suppose...
-7 ...but fuck off with the bells and chimes already
+2 T-ara are hot
+1 Christmas is all about giving and T-ara are giving netizens something to hate this Christmas, how kind of them, I guess Friday 13th was unlucky for some
+1 cardigan/jumper porn
-1 why is Eunjung wearing one of Kurt Cobain's leftover shirts
-1 the crease in the top of Qri's red garment is bigger than the bulge of her boobs and it bothers me, I see it and I want to jump into the scene and iron it flat
-1 they can sex Boram up all they want but she still looks like my mother, sorry but I can't fap to that

Final score - Zero.

December 15th - D-Unit:

D-Unit drop a horrid Christmas cover song onto their YouTube channel for seemingly no good reason.  But then is there a good reason for any of this?

+5 it's a song...
-5 ...that sucks an elephant's pisstube
-1 it's not even their own song but some other cock-gobbling trash tsk tsk
-1 oops there goes that "independent homegirlz yo" image they were carefully cultivating, straight out the window, now they just look like any other generic group doing a shitty Christmas song, wearing a beanie in the studio isn't gonna get you out of that one, girl
+2 two members of this four-member group were smart enough not to even participate in this trash, cheers to them

Final score - Zero.

December 16th - BESTie:

One of 2013's better nugus delivers their Christmas salvo and wouldn't you know it, true to form it's by far one of the better songs of this type for 2013.  Given the competition, that's not saying much though.

+5 it's a song...
+3 ...and it's actually a pretty decent throwback to 50s/60s girl group style...
-7 ...but they had to fuck it up with generic bells and chimes production didn't they
+2 has inspired some great fiction writing
-3 that low voice that cuts in on the way to the chorus sounds creepy as shit
+2 BESTie are hot
-2 guys standing in the background in some scenes disrupt my fap rhythm

Final score - Zero.

December 20th - SHINee:

Now that EXO have distracted most of SM's truly crazy fangirl contingent, SHINee can chillax a bit and just pop out a Christmas song whenever they want and nobody really cares.  Least of all me because this song is dull as fuck.

+5 it's a song...
-5 ...that sucks a rottweiler's ass
+3 one of the guys poses with a pony while wearing a jacket that looks like it was made out of bits of dead pony skin taped together, this is just freaky and cool and that pony must be on acid
-2 horrible fangirl-friendly mugging at the camera
-3 wind chimes used liberally
+1 but at least there's no sleigh bells
+1 dull as this song is, it's still better than anything else SHINee have recorded in 2013

Final score - Zero.

December 20th - Park Bom & Lee Hi:

Late as always, YG finally deliver their Christmas collaboration song right around the time when everyone is sick of the damn holiday already and just wants it to be over, which is kind of appropriate as that's how a lot of people are feeling about a whole lot of things YG-related these days.

+5 it's a song...
-5 ...that sucks a llama's smelly ass
-1 it's a shitty cover too
+2 Bom can't seem to move her face much these days, so Lee Hi doesn't move her face much either just to make sure Bom doesn't look any weirder in comparison than she has to, which is very thoughtful of her and shows the true Christmas spirit of giving far more than whatever bullshit failure of a present you're going to get this year
+2 the mouse is cute...
-4 ...and easily the most attractive thing in this video
+1 Bom and Lee Hi standing in the doorway together remind me of that scene with the two girls in The Shining

Final score - Zero.

December 22nd - HISTORY

Too lazy to make a proper video for this crap, Loen just stuck HISTORY in a room with a microphone because fuck it, why even try, only losers like this shit anyway.

+5 it's a song...
-5 ...that sucks a pitbull's dick
-1 it's the same shitty cover that Bom and Lee Hi did...
+3 ...but at least it's not slowed down to a funeral-speed dirge this time
-4 sleigh bells fuck off
+2 the group pretending that they're singing the obviously pre-recorded backing vocals live is daft and unintentionally funny

Final score - Zero.

December 23rd - SunnyHill

Another last-minute lazy-ass studio video from Loen.

+5 it's a song...
-5 ...that tastes a gorilla's ass
-1 they couldn't even be fucked writing their own song for it but just did some lame cover, slack bitches
-1 excessive vocal wank
-1 slow as shit
+2 cough at 0:51 is funny
+1 male member of the group smart enough to know nobody wants to see his face and thus conspicuously absent

Final score - Zero.

December 23rd - Pol And Friends

What is this shit.  Really.  Don't give me that "oh they're 'indie' so you wouldn't understand" bullshit, I know what non-mainstream music sounds like because I've played in non-mainstream groups for decades and this is just fucking craptacular by anyone's standards.  This is so fucking trash it would get rejected from a Weezer album.

+5 it's a song...
-5 ...that eats horse shit
+3 bass guitar opening riff is kind of cool and the only time I've ever seen bass tapping in k-pop, pity it's all downhill from there
-1 Geeky English teachers GTFO of sleepytime Korean guitar pop, thanks for nothing Busker Busker for starting a shit trend
-1 total pussying out by using "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas"  because according to the YouTube description "it's an expression everyone can use without offending specific religions."  How about specific religions learn a bit of fucking tolerance for other cultures instead, now there's a fucking radical thought.  The band have already got a Christmas tree in the background so just come out and say what you really mean you pussies.
-1 lame meandering guitar solo

Final score - Zero.

December 24th - Son Dambi

Clever, clever - Son Dambi's new song isn't actually a Christmas song in any way whatsoever, but by calling it "Red Candle" and releasing it on Christmas Eve it sorts of sneaks over the line because people associate red candles with Christmas for some reason, probably to do with the Coca Cola company and might pick up a few extra sales for this reason.  Those sneaky whores at Pledis.

+5 it's a song...

+1 ...and I guess it's okay

+1 was written by Jonghyun from SHINee who is obviously feeling more than one girl's boobies lately, and while it's no great shakes it's still better than anything SHINee have done lately

+1 Son Dambi wears a nice outfit that shows her upper body proportions in a pleasing manner

+1 weird David Lynch style video direction

+9000 contains the best quality a Chrstimas songs can have - it's not actually a Christmas song at all

Final score - OVER 9000

We have a winner at the last minute!  Sure there may be some other stuff that comes out tomorrow but that's just too fucking bad isn't it.  They shouldn't have left it so late.  Anyway, Merry Christmas everyone!