The 2014 FIFA World Cup Manual for Koreaboos

Alright, fangirls, I know the World Cup is about 7 months away, but it never hurts to be ready. In the vein of helpful articles we're putting out lately because we're pulling an Allkpop selling out we're so nice, I thought I'd put together a viewer's guide to the FIFA World Cup so you know exactly what's going on when you root for your oppas' favorite team.

YOU TOO CAN BE A TRUE LOVER OF THE REDS

NOTE: This is pretty fucking long too, probably will warrant a TL;DR Shorten it you dickwad from Chuck and Kpopalypse oppars... BUT I DGAF BITCHES

TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. What the fuck is the World Cup?
2. Why the fuck should I care?
3. Alright, where do I start?
4. Advanced tips

WHAT THE FUCK IS THE WORLD CUP?

Read this, you fucks. 

TL;DR: Football (soccer for my fellow Americanos)'s biggest international event, it's like the Baseball World Series if the World Series was actually world-wide. This shit only happens once every 4 years (like the Olympics), so it's kind of a big deal. This year is the 20th World Cup, it's hosted in Brazil.

This be the logo this year.

WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I CARE?
Every self-respecting South Korean will be glued to their screens so long as South Korea still remains in the tournament. National pride and all that. That includes your oppas as well. They fucking love this shit. I guarantee you, 99% of most idols will have at least done some kind of promotional activity for the national team (more on this later).

That's DBSK, AKA Chuck and His Butt-buddies.

How better to stand out from the fangirl horde than by knowing all about his favorite football team?
Who knows, maybe you'll even be able to strike up a conversation with an oppa about this, and he'll fall in love with your charming wit and in-depth knowledge of the South Korean national team, and he'll take you to his van to talk about the team in a more quiet location, and maybe you'll be able to suck his dick, and maybe he'll have the courtesy to give you a reacharound?!

Anyways, if you're going to be a tru Koreaboo, it's in your best interest to brush up on this shit.

Fuck yeah, KO RE A

Boys, you should pay attention too. Your noonas eat this shit up like everyone else.

ALRIGHT, WHERE DO I START?
Now that I've caught your attention, where do you start you ask?

First, you should know where Brazil is on a map. Nothing is more embarrassing than not knowing where major countries are on a map. Odds are, if you know where it is, you can brag about it to those basic bitches you hang out with when they attempt to show off their knowledge about this World Cup shit.

That green one is Brazil.

Secondly, you should get a rough idea about how the format of the tournament works. After qualifying for the World Cup (which I assure you South Korea has, or we wouldn't be here), the 32 teams have been seeded into 4 pots (or groups) of 8. I won't bore you with the details of how that seeding works, but just know that it's based roughly on geographical location and world ranking. 

From these 4 pots, they drew one team each to make 8 groups of 4 for the group stages of the tournament. Each team plays every other team in the group once for a total of 6 matches per group. The top two teams from each group will advance to the elimination round. Stealing this next part from Wikipedia:

The ranking of each team in each group will be determined as follows:

1. points obtained in all group matches;
2. goal difference in all group matches;
3. number of goals scored in all group matches;

If two or more teams are equal on the basis of the above three criteria, their rankings will be determined as follows:

1. points obtained in the group matches between the teams concerned;
2. goal difference in the group matches between the teams concerned;
3. number of goals scored in the group matches between the teams concerned;
4. drawing of lots by the FIFA Organising Committee.

Thirdly, you should know which group South Korea is in.

We want to look at Group H, if you're lost.

How does Korea stack up against their groupmates, you ask? If we go by the official FIFA power rankings:

• Belgium (11)
• Russia (22)
• Algeria (26)
• South Korea (54)

If we go by the SPI rankings (SPI rating represents the percentage of points a team would accumulate if a round-robin tournament were to be held among all the teams in the world):

• Belgium (12), 
• Russia (15), 
• South Korea (37) 
• Algeria (69)

As you can see, it's looking pretty grim for Korea considering they have an extremely uphill battle ahead of them if they want to even scrape by and get second place in the group. GO KOREA

Lastly, it's pretty important to know when our oppas are playing (no shit):

• Korea v. Russia -- 06/17 @ 15:00 PST
• Korea v. Algeria -- 06/22 @ 09:00 PST
• Korea v. Belgium -- 06/26 @ 13:00 PST

ADVANCED TIPS

So you've got the basics down, and you're ready to shit on some basic bitches who don't even know what's going on. How do we really lay it on thick and show people you're ready to support tha oppaz? 

CLICK TO EXPAND
(From L-R)
TOP ROW: Jung In Whan, Ji Dongwon, Kim Shinwook, Ki Sungyueng, Kwak Taehwi,  Jung Sungryong
BOTTOM ROW: Oh Beomseok, Koo Jacheol, Park Wonjae, Lee Keunho, Lee Chungyong

Players to know:

 이청용 - Lee Chungyong (right winger)

손흥민 - Son Heungmin (forward)

구자철 - Koo Jacheol (midfielder)

김신욱 - Kim Shinwook (striker)

이근호 - Lee Keunho (winger/striker)

기성용 - Ki Sungyueng (center midfielder)
This guy also married the beautiful Han Hye Jin. 

You may have noticed that I didn't mention the one Korean footballer most if not all basic fangirls know, Park Jisung. He retired from international play back in 2011, so be sure to rub that one in too if you get the chance.

The official "fanclub" if you will name for the South Korean National Football team is the Red Devils or 붉은 악마 (Bulgeun Ahgma). 

From Wikipedia: "The trademark mascot for the Red Devils is Chiwoo Cheonwang (치우천왕). A legendary figure in ancient Chinese and Korean history, the stories of brave Chiwoo Cheonwang influenced Korean folk tales and was interpreted into various designs of dokkaebi, which would be used in decorations for royal tombs and roof tiles. As Chiwoo Cheonwang is known as a symbol for victory and a guardian figure, the dokkaebi-like trademark was chosen to represent the club."

Wear red when you watch the games for maximum fanpower. Be sure to scream "대~한민국! (Dae~han Minguk)" too.

This'll do, Heo Yoon Mi.

If you get a chance, watch the Japanese games and insult them at every turn. Nothing says Korean nationalism quite like anti-Japanese sentiment at every opportunity, amirite? Even though the Japanese team is much better than the Korean team at the moment (FIFA rank 48, SRI rank 32) RUB IN THE FACT THAT KOREA'S RECORD AGAINST JAPAN IS 44W-14L-22D

Oh, and if anyone attempts to smear the good name of the Korean national squad by bringing up the infamous 2002 World Cup scandals or the 2006 World Cup scandal, YOU DENY EVERYTHING. OUR OPPAS PLAYED CLEAN BALL GODDAMN IT

BE SURE TO GET YOUR BLOOD PUMPING BY WATCHING SOME KPOPPERS SUPPORT THE SK NATIONAL TEAM

And on that note, I can't wait for this year's clusterfucks of cheer songs. It will be glorious.