The last time I decided to review songs I wrote a Haiku review post, and looking back on it now, a thought occurred to me: Haiku is way too long. Who's got time to read all those syllables just to find out what someone thinks? Certainly not the average k-pop listener - isn't our short attention span and need for instant gratification part of the reason why we like k-pop in the first place?
Therefore, to satisfy the thirst for endless song reviews in the most appropriate manner possible, I asked for submissions via my ask.fm for songs that readers wanted me to review and got a bunch of responses, and now I'm going to review each one... in only five words! You'll be hard-pressed to find any k-pop song reviews on the Internet more thoughtless and tossed-off than these! Enjoy (or bitch, your choice)!
KPOPALYPSE'S FIVE WORD SONG REVIEWS FOR K-POP FANS WITH ULTRA-SHORT ATTENTION SPANS!
Back when 4Minute were good
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Even worse than T-ara's "Yayaya"
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Ear grating J-pop by numbers
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Bravesound actually putting effort in
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Pink Tape does not suck
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Think of the furniture, please
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Satyricon's "Mother North" goes k-pop
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Tank just missed her, damn
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Stop playing with your truncheon
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More guitar, less singing please
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Sorry can't write review, fapping
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Only an intro, too short
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K-pop blues trend must die
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Y u no feature track
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"Sohee's stalker fuck off" anthem
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Better than their Korean features
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Nice beat but meh song
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Shindong losing pounds via dubstep
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Good song cao ni ma
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T-ara's "Lies" at double speed
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KARA's Pandora at half speed
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Vocal harmonies make me ill
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Better than Jamiroquai's worthless trash
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Guy, you're in the way
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Love the way you copy
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Raina fap fap fap fap
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Good elevator or hold music
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Not a single, good decision
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Kraftwerk plus Raina equals fap
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Not as wonderful as promised
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Sorry Martina this song stinks
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Aren't we sick of this?
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Melting my brain with boredom
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Sorry readers I'm still fapping
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Boob exposure meets required standards
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Some boring generic R&B trash
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Stay away from trot, eww
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Let's cry for Akisame's ears
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Songwriter sure could use caffeine
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Better than Growl, what isn't
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Stick to modelling swimwear, girls
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Weird but somehow it works
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BoA without dancing equals fail
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Crazy Korean netizen theme song
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No metal means no likey
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Concept surprisingly good, song laughable
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Laughable concept, song surprisingly good
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E-TRIBE fluke a good song
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Should have kept this concept
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Butt dance improves good song
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Great song, shit costume design
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Editing too fast to fap
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Ripping off Madness sounds good
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Before shithead netizens ruined everything
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As good as EXO get
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As bad as EXO get
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Just before 4Minute started sucking
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B2ST album track doesn't suck
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Park Shin Hye? Can fap
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Average without SM's songwriting team
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Song title tells no lies
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That breakdown is a "shockurrrr"
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Better than YG's swag failures
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Delight really needs more comebacks
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No really, they fucking do
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Best nine girl k-pop group
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Sweetune keep on not sucking
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Way better than "First Love"
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The only nine that matters
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Great production saves average song
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Lazy filler track, quite boring
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This is better than "Hue"
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Awkward dancing, song's solid though
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Better hope that DNA sells
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Does subunit DNA cost less?
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Song title - a good suggestion
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Please buy my U-KISS albums
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Seriously, it's cheaper than DNA
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Really good, release more stuff
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IU doesn't suit moody orchestration
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Best album in k-pop seriously
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Dull song but nice video
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Do I have a choice?
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Slightly above average boring ballad
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No "Shake" but it'll do
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Better than their goddamn singles
Are the labels foreshadowing that eventually these mini-reviews will just be the song with "Yes" or "No" under them?
ReplyDeleteThis was funny btws. The last pic Eunjung sleeping was the icing on the cake.
If people keep insisting on these "review" things I may have to think up an even lazier way to review songs that still allows me to insert funny shit. Maybe I'll work out a nail paint colour coding system.
DeleteHwayoung would hate trying to pick up all that nail polish though...
DeleteAfter School - Virgin
ReplyDeleteThe story of my life.
Badum-tschhhh
DeleteLOAL
Deletelmao
DeleteVIXX - Eternity : Satyricon's "Mother North" goes k-pop
ReplyDeleteNot sure why, but I'm laughing like there's not tomorrow.
Trufax: I used to have these old Satyricon bootleg videos and every time they'd play "Mother North" somewhere, the audience would sing along to that really catchy guitar riff that happens at about the two minute mark. When I heard the hook at 1:38 in VIXX's "Eternity" I was reminded of this because they sing to it using the same syllables and it's a similar gang-vocal sound and feel.
DeleteSunny Hill - Puppetry
ReplyDeleteGuy, you're in the way
If you referred to Janghyun, he left the group. :D
Victory!
DeleteYou actually reviewed other EXO‘s song on the album, yay! So happy to know what other people‘s opinion rather than mine. :\
ReplyDeleteThere were a great deal of non-feature track requests across the board.
DeleteWhen I read all the reviews together it felt like very bizarre hipster poetry. Thanks, by the way, I just found some very nice songs to listen to.
ReplyDeleteThat's why I have the links. Awesome!
Delete4minute is still good..
ReplyDeleteSorry I don't live in this particular parallel universe.
DeleteStill like 4minute here too!!! And y is everyone on the Shh bandwagon? After several attempts still can't make it through the entire video. Horrible outfits, dancing that's even worse and song is a 3 at best. Oh well everyone has their own thing
Delete- "Shh" by After School = my favourite pop song of 2014 thus far!
ReplyDelete- "Catallena" by Orange Caramel = my 2nd favourite pop song of 2014 thus far
- they're certainly not as awesome as "Sexy Love" or "Day by Day", but I still like "Hue" and "Holiday"
- Nine Muses = criminally underrated, and so much better than Girls' Generation
- "Come with me... airplane... love" - Sulli, I'd love to join the mile high club with you
DeleteI hate to be that type of pedantic cunt but actually "Ssh" came out in 2013.
DeleteYou should try listening to so sorry by OC, and yeah just when nine muses is getting some spotlight, two of the members quit the group, sigh.
Delete@Kpopalypse: in that case, "Catallena" is my 1st favourite pop song and "Something" by Girls' Day is my 2nd favourite.
Delete@ RealJW: I prefer "Cried Uncontrollably" from the Catallena EP.
@ RealJW: 2013 was a phenomenal year for Nine Muses (Wild EP, Dolls EP, and Prima Donna LP) and nobody even noticed. That fucking pisses me off. Meanwhile, everyone paid attention to the insufferable SISTAR.
DeleteLoal no1curr. The only people 9MUSES's success would have benefited is their slave drivers. They'll earn jack shit no matter what. I think its kinda a funny though how they and Steller get all the songs Sweetune puts effort into and the big groups like KARA and Infinite get left with the scraps.
DeleteThat's pretty much what has been happening to Kpop, famous groups are pretty much given shitty songs (see: SNSD, 2ne1, EXO, suju, etc) because they have all the rabid fangirls that will buy their stuff no matter what.
DeleteWhich one you consider more fappable: A-ing or Catallena?
ReplyDeleteA-ing
DeleteAing is made to feed fetishes
DeleteLove love all your articles!! Seriously you have a gift!!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks!
DeleteFinally someone else that thinks breathe is fucking shit.
ReplyDeletewhat about t-ara's good person oppar
"Good Person" is amazing, and it's definitive proof that Soyeon is one of the best vocalists in k-pop.
DeleteI"m not keen on "Good Person", the kind of sleepytime ballad that CCM usually saves for Davichi. Also be aware that no vocal performance on a recording is definitive proof of anything at all apart from how good the sound engineer is.
DeleteI think I heard Kpopalyse say that Good Person is the only T-ARA song worse than YaYaYa. Also Soyeon wasn't a member when Good Person was released.
DeleteActually "Falling U" is worse than both.
DeleteI've only heard the Breaking Heart version of Good Person, which I heard was re-recorded when Qri, Boram, and Soyeon joined and the other two left.
Deleteit's already the middle of 2014 and the only song that's kept my attention for more than 10 minutes it GOT7's "i like you", and that isn't even that good :|
ReplyDeletey infinite come back with that terrible song, y mblaq come back with that terrible song
Interesting. IMO Nine Muses music is in general bad, it's all way too generic and boring. Their only good song is Gun. I still laugh at their failed attempt at copying the Heavy Rotation video. That being said SNSD has been feeling pretty lack luster to me lately so maybe they should watch out.
ReplyDeleteAlso I agree EXO's Machine is one of their best songs, but I also thought Moonlight was too. Maybe you're just not into ballads?
Well dolls was an all ages song god forbid they try that shit again.
DeleteAnd as a guy who used to American Pop HR is a tame slumber party that sorely needed crashing
Can you Review These songs in 5 words too? (Even right here in the comments):
ReplyDeleteFiestar's Vista, We Dont Stop and i Dont know
Berry Good Love letter
Thanks! BTW, I loled at the Alphabat one XD
A bit late to the boat - I suggest you follow my ask.fm because the next time if/when I do a post like this requests will be solicited there.
DeleteYou realise brown eyed girls L.O.V.E came out before T-ara even debuted...
ReplyDeleteidgaf tho
DeleteAgree on pretty much every T-ara, OC, and female group track. Can't say I've heard a lot of the others, minus Exo and VIXX, and who requested so much VIXX? My favorite songs of theirs will always be their 2013 title tracks, although I did enjoy Light Up the Darkness and Chaos from their Hyde album. Exo's golden days were Mama era and they haven't had a song since to persuade me otherwise. I think Nine Muses was pretty consistent in 2013, but it may just be bias.
ReplyDeleteMAMA was a pretty solid mini album tbh, apart from let out the beast (that's what i think it was called? all i know is that i played machine mama and sometimes two moons for ages)
DeleteAll the requests were anonymous, I have no idea who requested what.
DeleteWhy not in Haiku form again
ReplyDeleteFlawfree username tbh
Delete