Bold predictions for Jay Park in 2016

Jay Park's ears allow him to hear misinformation from miles away.

A strange thing happened to me as I was ringing in the New Year. I suddenly realized I could see into the future! However, as with all things in life, it came with a downside. I could only see the future as it relates to Jay Park. I quickly realized this wasn't a blessing, but a curse. How I came into it I may never know, but as part of the healing process, my therapist tells me I should talk about it. So, that's why I'm here: to reveal to you everything that will happen to Jay Park in 2016. Now, it is still difficult for me to actually discern what the future holds, but I'll do my best.


One other thing: My powers have also granted me insight into the man himself, so I'll start by sharing with you what I've learned. Jay Park isn't actually a person. Well, he is a person, but he didn't start out that way. Twenty-eight years ago in a sleazy club in Seattle, a random guy was trying to hit on a girl. He walked up to her and uttered the now infamous phrase, "ayy gurr." Somehow, someway that phrase was given a physical form and sentience, eventually becoming the person we now know as Jay Park. It's also worth noting that Jay Park cannot say anything other than the words "ayy" and "gurr," but thanks to some magic, not unlike the goldfish in "Hitchhiker's Guide," we are able to hear what he is actually trying to say. Now that you know the backstory, let's get to the predictions.

"ayy ayy ayy gurr, gurr gurr ay ay"- Jay Park wrote the lyrics to "Tonight" himself.

*It will be revealed that Jay Park is dating Tiffany, marking the return of "Ur Gurl Stepho"



Sometime in April, possibly in the middle of the month, news will be revealed that ur gurl and ur boy are dating, and have been for some time. In fact, possibly even while Tiffany was still with Nichkhun. It turns out Tiffany, aka Stepho, is a similar being to Jay Park, and thus, they are destined to be together. Not that anyone should really care about this news, but it will be fun because it will cause Fany to revert back to her Stepho days since she is now among her own people. Fany wearing her thong, revealing her phat ass was just step 1 in the saga. taht liek totes ends w/ a prego fany! ^-^

*Jay Park will launch of line of headphones

In July, Jay Park will unveil his own line of high-end headphones called Beats by Jay. Like Beats by Dre, they will be mostly OK but not really worth what the asking price is, at least according to audiophiles (who are the most annoying people on Earth). Of course, they won't do very well at all since the market is already so saturated. After about a year, they will go out of production. Oh, and there also be some sort of legal battle over use of the word "Beats."

*Jay Park will make his debut in a drama

It's going to be "The Lover 2," which will begin airing in March, just in time for White Day. Jay Park will play the role of a loser, drunk neighbor who is trying to clean up his life to win back a high school sweetheart. Unbeknownst to most, the drama will actually be filming Jay Park's coping with alcohol addiction.

*A Sex Treep goes awry as Jay Park is caught with a hooker

Jay Park gets lonely in the winter, and Seattle can be a cold, cold place. Unfortunately for him, he will be caught with a hooker, and while it will be bad for him momentarily, it will end up being a minor setback. Most people will forgive the transgression, brushing it off with some variation of, "that's our Jay Park!" Being caught with a hooker may or may not be called pulling a, "Jay Park" or going on a, "sex treep" from then on, if it isn't already. 

So, as you can see, it will be a very interesting year for Jay Park. You might say 2016 will be the year of Jay Park, the kind of year you will tell your children and grandchildren that you were alive to see. I just hope that by revealing these 110% truths to you I will no longer be tormented by this terrible affliction.