Anti Kpop-Fangirl: The Thirsty Koreaboo Guide to the 2018 Winter Olympics

As you all may or may not know, the 2018 Winter Olympics are being held at Pyeongchang, South Korea or the home of our favorite people in the whole wide world. Of course, as diehard fans of Korea~~n pop culture~~, we should all feel the distinct pride and honor of supporting our favorite athletes compete for gold and glory. However, the only Koreans we normally care about are the hunky namjas or hot yeoljas that perform on the stage, not the ice/snow/mountains. Who cares about figure skating or cross-country skiing outside of the every-4-year circlejerk Olympics? Does you even know anyone not-named-Kim-Yuna that is a winter Olympian?

That's why we at AKF have thoughtfully prepared a dossier to who's who at the Olympics for you to start stanning!

DISCLAIMER: Are any of these people going to win anything? Maybe not, with one exception.
Do you care? Not really.

TOP 3 OPPAS/HYUNGS TO ROOT FOR:

3. KIM MIN CHAN

Curling

VITAL STATS

DOB: 02/26/1987
HEIGHT: 5'8"
WEIGHT: 171 lbs

Look at this dude. He looks the typical guy next door, but you're going to be in for a surprise if you underestimate him. He's an Olympic curler so you know he's got the arm power to really rock your world, ladies. This man even has the connections to really take care of you so you can sit back and watch KPop Youtube videos all day. His father Kim Kyung-Du is vice president of the Korea Curing Federation, while his mother Yang Young-Sun serves as vice president of the Daegu Curling Federation in Republic of Korea. His sister Kim Min-Jung is the head coach of the women's national team at the 2018 Olympic Winter Games in Pyeongchang. The Korean men's team national coach, Jang Ban-Seok, is married to his sister Min-Jung. DAMN.

2. CHOI SEOU

Ski Jumping

VITAL STATS

DOB: 12/03/1982
HEIGHT: 5'4"
WEIGHT: 121 lbs

Zammmmm, zaddy. Get a load of this hunk. Older men age like wine and this dude is a FINE vintage. That chiseled jaw, that confident smirk -- why fuck with a young fuccboi that doesn't know what he's doing when you could get a ride with this seasoned MAN. You better believe he's a freak in the sheets. Did you know he had zero experience on skis when he went to Muju Ski Resort to learn, but accidentally participated in a ski jumping class because he thought it was a skiing lesson? And now this motherfucker is participating on the WORLD STAGE? ZAMMMMMMM. He may be married, but when has that ever stopped anyone? ;)

1. KWAK YOON GY

Short Track

VITAL STATS

DOB: 12/26/1989
HEIGHT: 5'2"
WEIGHT: 136 lbs

Our number one oppa may be participating in Short Track, but you can rest assured he's packin' serious heat where it counts. Perfectly coiffed hair is the mark of a man who knows his worth, baby. He's even got a real naughty side to him too -- in May 2010 he was banned from competition for three years by the Korea Skating Union as a result of his involvement in rigging the outcome of short track races. Along with national teammate Lee Jung-Su, he was punished by a special joint committee that comprised of members of the Ministry of Culture, Sports and Tourism, the Korean Olympic Committee and the KSU. The pair later had their suspensions reduced to six months on appeal, so now he's back to fuck bitches and win a gold.

TOP 3 UNNIES/NOONAS TO ROOT FOR:

3. CHUNG JI HYE

Snowboarding

VITAL STATS

DOB: 02/20/1985
HEIGHT: 5'3"
WEIGHT: 119 lbs

This noona comes at ya on a snowboard so you know she knows how to ride a half-pipe. ;) Is she going to win anything? Probably not. But who cares when you're just a casual stan anyway.

2. KIM SEON YEONG

Curling

VITAL STATS

DOB: 05/18/1993
HEIGHT: 5'1"
WEIGHT: 121 lbs

Raise your hand if you know how curling is played. That's what I thought. Most of you will probably skip all the curling events like you will skip 80% of the winter events, but this chick is going to keep some discerning eyes tuned in. She may have the typical mousey girl-next-door look but you know she a freak if she curls for the Olympic team.

1. CHOI DA BIN

Figure Skating

VITAL STATS

DOB: 01/19/2000
HEIGHT: 5'1"
WEIGHT: 92 lbs

Move aside Suzy, the REAL NATION'S LITTLE SISTER is comin' through. After Kim Yuna basically stopped competing in the Olympics (bless her soul), it's up to this gal to carry the torch heh for Korean figure skating dreams. As probably the only person on this list with any chance at winning anything (she's at least the most famous one), she's got the chops to talk the talk and walk the walk too. She is the 2017 Asian Winter Games champion, a 5-time South Korean national medalist (three silver, two bronze). She has placed in the top ten at 2017 World Figure Skating Championships, 2017 Four Continents Figure Skating Championships, and twice (2014, 2015) at the World Junior Figure Skating Championships. She won two bronze medals during the 2015–16 ISU Junior Grand Prix series, in Austria and Latvia.