Zaku's Top 20 Songs of 2014 (#10-1)

Now that you've had the time to digest my #20 through #11 picks for top songs of 2014, I'm back with the rest of the controversial opinions you'll accuse me of shit taste for!!

As a reminder, here are the criteria for the works selected:

CRITERIA:

• Release from Jan. 1 - Dec. 25
• Korean releases only (sorry Japan)
• all tracks are fair game (meaning not only title tracks)
• no double dipping -- a group can only appear once 

아저씨's "Get Fucked" award of 2014

The nominees are:

SNSD: You are old and played out. You haven't done anything good in music since Genie. Now you got rid of Jessica. WTF is wrong with you?

Brave Brothers: Am I ready for Alone remix #748? No I am not.

YG Entertainment: The biggest cult from Korea. Even bigger than the SONE religion since becoming a fan of one group seems to infect you for all YG artists.

And the award goes to...

KPOPALYPSE's 30 favourite k-pop songs of 2014

Welcome to Kpopalypse's 2014 favourite k-pop songs list!  It's time once again to run through my best songs of the previous 12 months!  Although k-pop's first Golden Age is definitely over and 2014 was honestly pretty meh overall, it still had some jewels to be found and here they are.  Get ready to listen to some songs that I believe don't suck... and hopefully you'll also find out about a few that have so far flown under your radar!

Kpopalypse's 30 worst k-pop songs of 2014

Welcome to Kpopalypse's worst songs of 2014!  Let's round up 2014's greatest k-pop stinkers!

I assume that because you've all actually clicked here and are reading my worst-of list, you can actually handle some criticism of your bias constructively and maturely.  However if this list has too many nasty negative vibes for you, remember that I have a favourites list as well so why not read that instead, you complete fucking pussy?  Otherwise, read on!

AKF's Top 10 2014 Title Tracks

This is hard to believe, but this is the first time I've done a year-end-top-10-songs list. Don't worry, Akdong Musician isn't anywhere close to my top 10. I just wanted to scare some people.

Zaku's Top 20 Songs of 2014 (#20-11)

2014 has been a year full of ups and downs, with many hilarious plot twists we never saw coming on top of many tragedies we never wanted to experience. Regardless, 2014 was a surprisingly good year for Kpop musically. I don't know if I'm early or late on this, but since people wanted me to share my opinion on the best songs of 2014, here's my picks for the year.

CRITERIA:

• Release from Jan. 1 - Dec. 25
• Korean releases only (sorry Japan)
• all tracks are fair game (meaning not only title tracks)
• no double dipping -- a group can only appear once 

SONAMOO Debuts, Fangirls Moo Their Discontent

Call me @ 1-800-IDONTGIVEAFUCK

As another exciting year in Kpop comes to a close we should all pause and reflect on what a year it's been...

Great.

Girl's Day Better Comeback With A Sexy Concept

From the testicular cancer of Kpop, I have learned that one of the best girl groups to fap to will be making a comeback early next year.

Jolin Tsai - We're All Different, Yet The Same

Jolin Tsai kisses another girl in the MV. C'mon Kpop! Taiwan: 2 (don't forget that Popu Lady MV from the summer), Korea: 0.

I know most people here won't like the song since it's a ballad and I'm basically the only one here who likes ballads, but watch it for the two hot girls kissing. (I do have plans on reviewing "Play" and "Medusa" when I get the time.)

We're hiring

Do you want to write for AKF?

Are you a whiny little bitch?

If you said "Yes!" to both of these questions, fuck off, we don't want you. But if you want to write for AKF without making everyone want to vomit, read on.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, everyone!

This year, as we celebrate the holiday season, we reflect on what brought us all to AKF. Author Krakenoid (who can't access a computer this week, #prayforKrakenoid) asks you to share your stories of what made you "come to the light" and shed your fangirl/fanboy ways.

Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 68

As you FISHies know, I live a fairly private life. But since I have been gone for so long, I thought I would do something special for my favourite people. Today I am going to share with you some of my personal text messages regarding a certain SNSD-related scandal that occurred not too long ago that I just had to return for.

Context: my friend just read about the rumours (well, now confirmed) that Jessica was kicked out of SNSD - potentially due to some alleged tiffs between Taeyeon and Jessica.

~*~*~

This week's photos come from… uh… my phone, I guess.

Kpopalypse's 2014 round-up of dick-sucking Christmas songs

Yes Kpopalypse is back with your yearly Christmas present - reviews of all the shitty Christmas songs that everybody hates!  I posted a Christmas song round-up last year and quite sensibly nobody gave a shit, so like I always do when I sense that people would rather I didn't do something, I return to do it again on a regular basis!   Grab a nice cup of your favourite Christmas beverage and gather around while I take a Christmas-pudding-sized shit on all of 2014's worthless money-draining sentimental dick-sucking Christmas trash!
 

Hello Venus Da Best

I know the new guidelines were to avoid articles such as this, but I asked AKF and he agreed: this is a very good exception.

An Introduction To Your New Head Administrator

Originally, I wasn't supposed to take over AKF until next year, but plans change rapidly. I was supposed to take over after AKF enrolled in graduate school, but he got a job lined up for next summer, so I had to take over much earlier than anticipated. AKF will still write when he has time, but with him stepping back and taking an advisory role to me and the other AKF admins, there will be some changes in how things are done around here.

Hyeri surfs on a wave of haters

So apparently Hyeri of Girl's Day committed some kind of unspeakable crime insulting Dongwoon of B2ST in the most offensive way possible that only a filthy slut like her could even imagine, and then like a literal bitch eating her own shit, only made it far worse by directly tweeting an obviously fake apology to him because hey, why not get some hate? Shits fun.

Here is the video:

Oh, oops, wrong one. Real video after the jump.

Try harder, Buzzfeed

Pop quiz:

What are the 2 most wonderful kpop videos of 2014
that people need to see?

WYMBFOS 3: Sexy concept haters... where do I even start...

Wow, it has been so long since I started this "series" I should probably reiterate that it stands for "Ways you might be full of shit" and I actually had to go back searching through my published posts to remember that. Anyway, my last one actually happened to be on slut-shaming, and this is a bit similar, but it is also about "slut"-lover-hating and many aspects of sexual performances and sexual objectification and everything.

So gather round kids, because I hope to open up your world to what a complicated bitch life is.

KPOPALYPSE INTERVIEW - Chad Future

Yes folks, it's time for another episode of your favourite non-favourite k-pop interview series!  Get ready for another:

This time Kpopalypse Interview is going to be interviewing "American k-pop star" Chad Future!

Brazilian Man Has Plastic Surgery to Look Korean

I shit you not.

Yes, this actually happened. The Hallyu Wave has taken yet another international victim - but this time, we cannot save him from drowning.

Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 67

Hello, FISHies. It has been quite a while hasn't it? My apologies (as per usual) for my leave of absence.  But I will not bore you with excuses. I have a bunch of submissions in my inbox (both e-mails and Asks) to sift through, so be ready for plenty of upcoming STFUs! Maybe even an article or two of my own will pop up =D! Haha, but let's not kid ourselves.

Anyways, back to our regularly scheduled articles.

~*~*~

This week's quote comes from a friend of mine. Who found it. "Found" it. He claims it isn't him. Yeah okay bud. We don't judge here.

Just kidding. We only judge people here. Anyways, now here's 'Wonderwall':

Who would turn down a date with EXID? This guy.

The guy who recorded the Hani fancam (which is now at 4 million views) was recently invited to a dinner with EXID as well as Shinsadong Tiger but turned it down in order to record other girl group fancams.

Are YG Stans the Most Persecuted People on the Planet?

After the latest proverbial smack to the face, this time courtesy of Skrillex, YG fans have a real argument to be the most persecuted people on the planet. 

A Pink Is Owning UCAADs On The Music Shows

Our lord and savior, Hayoung.

From Soompi, A Pink is destroying everyone on the music shows. This is a good thing because "LUV" is the shit.

Kpopalypse and AKF's Red Light Mission - Part Three

It's Kpopalypse here with the return of Red Light Mission!  This is the third and definitely the final chapter of the collaborative AKF/Kpopalypse fanfic!  As AKF is busier than ever we're wrapping this series up, and as usual both of us have contributed to the story.  It's up to you to guess who did what.  Enjoy!

NOTE: for those of you coming to this series late, read the first two parts before you get started here or this third part will make no fucking sense at all!  Click here for part 1 and click here for part 2.

Kpopalypse 2014 end of year mega survey - the results!

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Bumkey is NOT a drug dealer

I was on Twitter tonight (talk to me: @BobbySaranghaeyo), and everyone was like talking shit about Bumkey doing drugs and selling meth.

My first reaction was "NOOOOOO!!! He's too talented to be a drug dealer!" Now that I've calmed down, I realize this whole "drug dealer" accusation is just a way to silence an amazing artist. Can't people just stfu about stuff they don't know? Oppa doesn't sell drugs, and here's how I know.

LAGOON Releases Full PV For "Kimi no Matsu Sekai"

Get ready to fap to Takimoto Miori.

Like money - k-pop music video production costs explained

In k-pop the music video is often as important as the song.  I'd even go out on a not-very-dangerous limb and say it's a lot more important than the song in most cases, and for a bunch of different reasons, ranging from building a brand, to building interest in the performers, to product placement, to connecting to global audiences and more.  K-pop is at least as much of a visual phenomenon as it is an auditory one, this much is obvious.  What's a little less obvious to a lot of people is how much money and effort is involved, so that's what this post is going to discuss... hopefully in a way that doesn't bore you to shit.

What makes a music video "cheap" or "expensive"?  How do I tell which is which?  Attentive readers will note that one of my recent Nugu Alert posts touched on the topic of video expenses.  However I didn't go into a lot of detail in that post, and I've been getting requests to write something more in-depth about music video costs ever since, so here we go.

[BREAKING NEWS] Netizens Accuse SNSD of Cyberbullying Yuri?

With all the controversy surrounding SNSD lately, common knowledge would be to expect them to all lay low and reflect on their mistakes. Sadly, like the backstabbing bitches they are (#JUSTICEFORJESSICA #JESSICAWASFRAMED #TAEYEONDIDIT), this was not to be so.

We've received reports that the remaining SNSD members are currently embroiled in a new scandal, this time cyberbullying Yuri.

#leaveyurialone

[MV Review] GD&YB - Good Boy (How GD Has Corrupted Taeyang With Marijuana)

I (as in Zaku) thought we'd try a duo-review after some time since the last one. This particular collaboration is between me (as in Zaku still) and HanYeSeul Fag.

HYS_F:

I have never thought this quote from Mr. Mackey was more true than when I listened to "Good Boy." Good God, I have no idea where to start about what is wrong with this song. However, I can tell you the source of the shittiness of the song.

KPOPALYPSE END OF YEAR MEGA SURVEY

You guys and girls like surveys.  I like it that you like surveys.  You said you wanted more surveys, bigger, longer, fatter, and with more cao ni ma action.  Your wish is granted in the KPOPALYPSE END OF YEAR MEGA SURVEY!

CLICK THE QRI TO TAKE THE MEGA SURVEY

The survey will remain up until I get enough responses.  A future post will contain the results!  Have fun!

Return of the Attack of Bad Fanart

Even Bob Ross thinks your drawing is shit.

Review: "Come Here" by some guy featuring Bobby and Dok2

OMG, my boy's on fire!!

Dr. Strangefap, or: how I learned to stop worrying and love k-pop censorship

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[MV Review] Nicole - Mama

Finally after the long wait, KARA’s ex-member, Nicole, is back with a solo debut. Now we all know that she’s not that strong of a vocal, hell, she's mediocre, but of course, she tried her luck with a song that wasn’t extremely vocal-heavy, and the outcome was… interesting?

Hello Venus Really Wants You To Fap To Them

Hello Venus is vying for the Representative Fap Group with the hopes of taking the crown from AOA. Can they achieve their goals? Will Fany start stanning Hello Venus? Will Unknown bring up J-pop/Japan when those subjects rarely have anything to do with what we write about? Will some sick bastard complain about how they wished Yoo Ara/Frankenstein's daughter was still in the group so that they could see her in this concept and then proceed to tell everyone about their monster fetish? Will enough people watch Hello Venus's videos so that Brave Brothers will give them a better song next time? Will AOA retaliate by having Seolhyun go to Japan to do gravure? Will we see a match between Hello Venus and AOA in which both groups try to prove that it is the sexiest one in Korea? Have I asked enough questions yet? If not, did you fap?

AKFG innovation: Opperviewnity

Here at AKFG we love to be straightforward about what many aren't and occasionally be indirect or casually mocking about what others are typically straightforward. In an effort to contribute to the facilitation of the former, I have created this new word for you all to enjoy. It combines "Opportunity" with "Perv" and "View" and I suppose you could even pretend it also includes "Oppa" for certain "innocent (not actually innocent)" girl group concepts. (7학년1반, A Pink)

This would be a word for all those moments indirectly understood as only existing to scope out DAT BODY or otherwise fill your mind with perversions, yet in a context that pretends to be for a different, neutral reason. So for instance, gravure videos would be 97% opperviewnities, and the latest Dream Team episode with girl groups playing in tight clothing at the pool would be somewhere around 25-35% vaguely opperviewnistic yet 5% very blatant.

AOA provides a nice example with this video:

A Lesson in Korean History: IU and Seotaiji's Sogyeokdong

Hello, FISHies! After a long hiatus, I am finally returning to my part in contributing to the blog with an article that may be potentially boring to a few; however, extremely informational to those who shall read it. Now without further ado, I shall explain to you the historical significance of IU and Seotaiji's newest release, 'Sogyeokdong'.

A Pink - LUV

Ha Young and the rest of A Pink have made a cumback, and it is glorious.

Hot sexy man-meat - locating the hottest guys in k-pop!

I've often been accused of being very gender-biased in my blogging, and that as a heterosexual male I haven't been doing a lot of catering to those who would like to see some hot sexy men being reduced to objects for the voyeuristic pleasure of readers.

Since I'm obviously guilty as charged, let's rectify the situation immediately with a hunky k-pop guy post for all you heterosexual women and gay men out there!

Male Fanservice #23

Warning: May feature males* you find unpleasant.

Happy Thanksgiving From The AKF Team

It's Thanksgiving here in America, and I have asked every American author to write about what they're thankful for in regards to K-pop.

I Would Wiggle Wiggle My Penis In Hello Venus

Nice.

100th Day of Kara's Revival

Youngji celebrates her 100th day as a Kara member today.

The Bell Curve of Crazy: A Statistical Approach to Understanding Fandom Metrics

I've been meaning to write an article for Anti Kpop-Fangirl that somehow incorporated my areas of expertise, aka the bullshit I studied for 4 years of my life at college. I see how you all like it when Kpopalypse talks about his industry skillz, so I figured why not give it a shot.

And thus we come to my groundbreaking model for the wide range of... "behavior" we see in KPop fandoms today. Without further ado, I present to you, THE BELL CURVE OF CRAZY.

As presented by Fei.
If there's anything I've learned from Kpopalypse, it's that people will pay more attention
if hot people are used to present the information.

Thoughtful Raina - the meme

Idol life is tough.  There you are, sitting on a chair in a fake backyard by a fake white picket fence, holding a fake ice-cream made by food stylists with coloured frosting and powdered sugar, shooting a promotional music video.  The video shoot sure is dragging on, it's 4AM and you've been awake for 26 hours straight, yet it's your duty to look alert and extra cheerful for the cameras - what a chore.  You sure wish you were doing something else, but this is what being an idol is and you're stuck with it for now.  On take 153 of your lines in verse 2, a thought pops into your mind... but what could it be?

Kpopalypse Nugu Alert Episode 6: Atomic Kiz, Hawon, Magic Flow ft. Rumble Fish

That's right sluts, it's time for another episode of:

The regular blog series where Kpopalypse brings you fresh/stale nugus for your enjoyment and/or bemusement!  Read on as I shove down your fucking throat another group of k-pop performers that you don't care about and will probably forget the names of as soon as you're finished reading this, in the name of good humour and a misguided unrealistic belief in music industry equal opportunity.  Let's get started!

Hani's "Up & Down" Fancam Surpassed One Million Views

Just think about it. A fancam garnered over 1,000,000 views. A lot of groups are happy that their music videos obtain 1,000,000 views.

Hi Suhyun's "I'm Different" Is Cancer For The Eyes, Ears and Penis

Hello everyone. I, HanYeSeul_Fag, am honored to take over AKF for Chuck oppar. Originally I was just going to hijack his account and post exclusively from it, but we talked it over and I made my own account. We're friends in real life and he has been looking for someone to take over the blog for a couple of years now, and with everyone he asked declining, he proposed that I take over it about six months ago. I have been studying the writing of the authors here and will develop my own style over time. AKF will still post from time to time, but as he is gearing up to get a professional job, he doesn't have any time to run AKF. Therefore, I am taking over, and my first official review under my new account is this terrible song.

[MV Review] Lovelyz - Candy Jelly Love

If it wasn't for Seo Jisoo's lesbian scandal, I would have had no idea that thing song came out. It would have been a shame if I had missed out on this song and MV.

"She Should Do JAV"; Bless Your Heart, Jiyoung

Normally, whenever some AKF authors gather in one location to chat, we talk about many things. A common topic we bring up is how Korea needs its own AV industry. Due to Korea's strict laws on making porn, it will not happen anytime soon. Therefore, we usually suggest that some hot idols go over to Japan and do JAV.

Album rev-ew - F-ve Dolls "F-rst Love"

Today -'ve found out today someth-ng wh-ch -'ve suspected for a wh-le but wh-ch has now been conf-rmed - F-ve Dolls have d-sbanded.  The label haven't released an off-c-al statement yet, but none -s needed; the label's new webs-te doesn't l-st them as an act-ve group, and w-th several members hav-ng left the company, -t's easy enough to see what's happened.

S-nce - felt that F-ve Dolls' f-nal -ncarnat-on d-dn't really get enough attent-on when they were act-ve, -'m now go-ng to overcompensate w-ldly by wr-t-ng my f-rst k-pop album rev-ew!

Maybe there is a god

Maybe not a god ,but there are two hot goddesses

Kpopalypse's completely 100% accurate and legit* predictions for the future of k-pop

Well, 2014 is nearly over and most people are happy to put it behind them.  It hasn't exactly been an outstanding year for k-pop, with so many controversies, scandals and tragedies.  So what can we look forward to in 2015 and beyond?  Hopefully something better, right?  It's a good thing that I have my fantastic powers of ESP readily available to find out the truth of what the future holds!

Prepping For Doomsday With AOA

If any of you have watched National Geographic's "Doomsday Preppers," you may have noticed that the show leaves off one very important rating criteria from its scorecard. The original scorecard ranks each doomsday prepper from 0-20 on 5 categories: food, water, shelter, security, and x-factor. Which category is the show missing? Fap material.

Everything I Learned About Pulling Off the Perfect Heist I Learned From AoA's "Like a Cat"

Ice to see you.

Another day, another Brave Brothers release. What's ironic about this one is that there isn't the signature "Brave Sound" shit thing in the beginning. (Do them and JYP record a new intro for every song or do they just have a stock recording?) I would have thought they would want to distance themselves from the Hello Venus comeback.. But whatever. I'm not here to talk about the song itself, but rather how this MV can help you pull off the biggest heist of your life.

Music business 101 - the real deal for aspiring k-pop stars

Entering the music industry on any level in 2014 is exceptionally difficult, yet there are many people who wish to become pop stars.  With the steady rise of k-pop's profile globally, Korea and k-pop is positioned in the hearts and minds (mainly the hearts) of young people around the world as a desirable field to hopefully break into.  How realistic are their dreams?  Are k-pop hopefuls being delusional, or do they have a realistic (if slim) chance of realising their goals?

Most importantly of all, if you were someone wishing to make a serious giving-it-100% attempt at breaking into the k-pop industry, what are the really important things that you would need to know?  As someone who has spent quite a while in the music business in various capacities, I'm now going to give you the dirt on these important questions, so read on if you dare!

Zico releases new song, "Oppa Is Just The Worst, Isn't He?"

Korean Public Enemy No. 1 (and that goes for both North and South) Zico shat on fans this week with the release of his latest song, "Oppa Is Just The Worst, Isn't He?"

[Exclusive] Yooyoung's vag slip

[MV] Clara ft. Yasu's Big Stinky Shit Sandwich [FEAR]

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[MV] Hello Venus - StickySticky International Version

Yet again a lovely group has come back with... a real stinker. Yes, while Korea may love boring shit like Busker Busker and Lim Kim, when testing songs on Western ears agencies have found we desire something with a bit more... chutzpah, so to speak.

So, much like when After School tried to put us asleep with First Love, for the international release from Hello Venus we see Brave Bros getting his tired old ass kicked to the curb where he can listen to Ah and remember when he was relevant.

In his place we have a saucy track that fits the energy that the girls bring to the table, and I have used my deep connections with Alice, Lime, and Yooyoung to net us the exclusive premiere. Enjoy.

U.S. radio station hilariously edits 'I Am the Best'

A radio station in Boston played "I Am the Best" and hilariously edited out "naega" because it sounds like nigga. I'll admit when I first started listening to kpop I got a chuckle every time I heard that because to my disgusting non-Korean ears it does sound a bit like that. Now if only they could edit out the all of the lyrics as well as Bom and CL, we'll be set.

K-pop life lessons with Kpopalypse

Hey folks, it's Kpopalypse here.  As someone a little older than the average k-pop fan with lots of experience in the ups and downs of life, I'm aware that a lot of younger people read my blogging, and therefore I feel a certain sense of obligation to them to impart wisdom and valuable life lessons.  Of course if I just go around saying things like "bike safety" and "don't play with matches" nobody is going to pay any fucking attention, but that's where k-pop comes in - this post is all about some of the fantastic things we can learn through k-pop music videos!

Please note that the discussions of these videos contain plot spoilers, so be sure to watch the videos first (if you haven't seen them) before reading about the important life lessons that they contain!  Let's get started and learn things!

AKF Changes For End Of 2014 And Beginning Of 2015

I hope it's change you guys can believe in. We are currently overhauling how we do things at AKF to make it a better experience overall for the readers and commenters.

Han Ye Seul On Running Man

Today we have a double dose of Han Ye Seul. She'll appear on today's episode of "Running Man" and later today "Birth Of A Beauty" episode 2 will air.

[Review] Zhou Mi "Rewind"

Watch as Zhou Mi solos it.

KPOPALYPSE INTERVIEW - Cheonsa

It's time once again for another episode of...

For this episode Kpopalypse is interviewing Cheonsa.  Who is she?  Read on and find out.