So is Jimin really (good and) hot (and fresh and fly)?

For some reason, FNC decided that Jimin, nasal-voiced rapper extraordinaire (???) should be the first member of AOA to debut solo. Why they didn’t pick inarguable sex goddess and vocal all-star Choa is a mystery to me (UPDATE: they did, but it was a really boring ballad so I forgot about it. Oops?), but I guess they were trying to capitalize on the exposure Jimin got from appearing on Unpretty Rapstar. Or maybe they were just blown away by her iconic rap intro to Like a Cat.

Whatever the reason, Jimin got her solo debut. And oh my god, it is an emoji-ridden hellscape. She raps like a whiny baby and her weird pigtail-beret situation in the video makes her look like one too. The song is somehow both boring and extremely irritating. Even the title (Call You Bae) is a millennial nightmare. But because I love suffering, I watched the video all the way through to the end.

Kpop's Most Iconic Song Intros

Kpop, to a degree infinitely greater than Western pop, is prone to appending informative introductions to their songs. And every now and then, these first ten to fifteen seconds of a song are so unbelievably ridiculous or catchy (or ridiculously catchy) that they far overshadow the remainder. Here are a few of my favourites:

Kpopalypse's music education trufax quiz, NOW CLOSED - the results are in!

Review: Jimin, featuring Xiumin "Call You Bae"

AOA's Jimin released her first "official" solo song this week. So how was it?

Not good, fam. Not good.

Seolhyun Tries To Win Over America With Guns

She succeeds in my book.

I was bored and saw this on Asian Junkie, so I decided to post about it. Seolhyun poses in all black with guns for Sudden Attack which is some video game or something else I don't care about. Anyway there is an attractive woman with guns so any other Americans and gun loves can enjoy to the rest of this post. For the guns, of course.

AOA are hot Santas

Apparently, AOA is endorsing some random company called BC Card. I have no idea what this company does, and to be honest I don't care, as long as they provide us with such glorious content.

I hope more hot girl groups will dress as hot Santas.

Best of the Worst: July 16, 2015

Halloween is still months away, but I saw something recently that frightened me to my very core. No, it wasn't the first of Hara's "Choco Chip Cookie" stages.

It was something much worse.

Boy group animal "plushies." (I can't even type that word without quotes, because it disgusts me so much.) Basically, they are the most obnoxious pieces of cutesy bullshit ever. And most of them don't even look anything like the idols they're portraying.

Do not scroll down if you're feeling suicidal. I don't want this post to be the thing that finally pushes you over the edge. That's what family's for.

Die.

Die quicker.

Die by that bear's hand.

Oh, fine, just kill me instead.

The most important thing I learned from AOA's recent comeback

As you should know, AOA  recently had their comeback, and while the song and MV are good, you should really be focusing on the underlying messages of the music video. The most important of these, though, is taught by the very fabulous Choa.

Mission: Free Hyunaisaslut57!!!!! (T-ara vs AOA – The Final Fap part 2)

You said that you wanted it, so here it is - a sequel to "T-ara vs AOA - The Final Fap"!

While this post does work as a standalone story, it's a lot more fucking entertaining and the various references in it will make far more sense if you've already read the original, so read the first part by clicking here!  For those who have already done so, read on, cao ni mas!

Zaku's Top 20 Songs of 2014 (#20-11)

2014 has been a year full of ups and downs, with many hilarious plot twists we never saw coming on top of many tragedies we never wanted to experience. Regardless, 2014 was a surprisingly good year for Kpop musically. I don't know if I'm early or late on this, but since people wanted me to share my opinion on the best songs of 2014, here's my picks for the year.

CRITERIA:

• Release from Jan. 1 - Dec. 25
• Korean releases only (sorry Japan)
• all tracks are fair game (meaning not only title tracks)
• no double dipping -- a group can only appear once 

Everything I Learned About Pulling Off the Perfect Heist I Learned From AoA's "Like a Cat"

Ice to see you.

Another day, another Brave Brothers release. What's ironic about this one is that there isn't the signature "Brave Sound" shit thing in the beginning. (Do them and JYP record a new intro for every song or do they just have a stock recording?) I would have thought they would want to distance themselves from the Hello Venus comeback.. But whatever. I'm not here to talk about the song itself, but rather how this MV can help you pull off the biggest heist of your life.

my dick is not ready for november

November is going to be quite the month with comebacks from AOA, Hello Venus, and now APink. Oh and two of the three will be featuring Brave Brothers. Everyone likes Brave Brothers.

[MV Review] AOA "Short Hair"

Having been disappointed by AOA's past two releases, I wasn't too excited for the group's latest comeback. This was especially true after I saw their silhouette teaser, which appeared to follow in the footsteps of "Confused" and "Miniskirt" with more ass, less good music.

But dammit, I'm nothing if not an optimist, so I put my best face forward and pressed play.

The official and completely scientific Kpopalypse colour blindness test

I'm colour blind.  Apparently, this is a completely fucking fascinating subject to absolutely everyone, judging by the amount of questions that I get asked about it when people find out.  To cater to this incredible fascination, this post will include some awesome colour blindness facts (so if I get any more annoying questions about it I can just link people to here instead of answering them directly over and over) and also a test so you can test your own colour blindness - with k-pop, of course!

The Shure Super 55 microphone test - does your bias fail it? Probably.

If you casually browse any forum devoted to k-pop, you'll quickly see that there's a lot of nonsense going around the place about the relative talents of vocalists, as if vocal talent is a criteria that actually means something in this style.  I mean, come on people, since when was vocal talent suddenly a requirement to make production-line pop music?  I must have missed the latest memo that was circulated on that topic, because it seems that there's tons of fans fighting over who can sing better and who is the most knowledgeable and talented musically, versus who is just a nugu to music that is just being told what to say, what to play, how to stand, where to go, and is the musical equivalent of the "airhead" reporter on Broadcast News (decent film from the 80s, worth a look) who just reads lines from cue and smiles and doesn't know what the fuck he's actually on about or what any of the news stories really mean. Of course, most k-pop fans believe that their bias COULD NEVER BE LIKE THAT and is THE BEST EVAAAR AND KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT MUSIC, so I thought that even though I personally have no vested interest in this topic whatsoever, it would be interesting to devise a test to set the record straight and see how much they really do know.  Even better, I thought, if this test didn't require any knowledge of actual music production or vocal skill on the part of  the tester or even any listening to the songs and anybody with access to a computer could do it in an instant.

I have devised just such a test, and I'm going to break it down for you in a nice long tl;dr post only because I know you're all into that sort of thing here at AKFG.  Details after the jump.

[MV Review] AOA - Elvis

Ugh. Another group from FNC that pretends to play instruments. I'm starting to think Juniel is the only one who actually plays an instrument from FNC.