Monday, October 12, 2015

How to fall out of love with a K-pop idol

Emotionally detaching yourself from a k-pop idol might be something for which you require guidelines.

For this tutorial, you will need:

unjibrain

Let's begin. 


1. Realise that you have a problem.

umjicopy

Perhaps you notice yourself falling in love with a k-pop idol, or perhaps you have been in love with a k-pop idol for a length of time already.  It could be an idol such as Gfrend's Umji, shown above for illustrative purposes, or it could be another idol, male or female, young or older.  Does your infatuation with an idol represent a problem for you?  Consider the following questions:
  • Is comparing other people to your idol preventing you from having normal relationships?
  • Is spending money on your idol putting your financial position in jeopardy?
  • Is the time taken to track your idol's activities interfering with work, household activities or sleep?
  • Is the topic of your idol the only conversation point of interest to you in your daily life?
If your answer to any one of these questions is yes, then you have a problem, and this tutorial can help.  (If your answer to all of the above questions is yes, then you're probably too far gone and your brain is likely only good for mincing up and turning into dog food, but feel free to use this tutorial anyway in the unlikely chance of regaining some small semblance of mental functionality.)  Chances are that you have already reached the first step, which is why you are reading this post.  Congratulations, recovery is only a few more simple steps away!

2. Confront your fear.

gfriendslip

Once you realise that you have a problem, fear is a natural response.  Fearful thoughts may include (and may not be limited to) any of the following:
  • How much will I be emotionally hurt if I give up my idol?
  • If the recovery process is lengthy, can I cope or will I turn to binging on jelly snacks?
  • What if I fail and relapse, clinging to the idol even harder, will I be doomed?
  • Can I cope with the humiliation of admitting I'm a spasticated fangirl bitch?
  • Will my k-pop peer group ostracise me now that I've realised they're all retards?
It's natural to have these thoughts, but there is only one effective way to deal with fear which is to tackle the issue head-on.  Running from your fears means that they control you, but being proactive puts you in the driver's seat of your own fear.  Once you are in control of your fear, you are empowered to drive your fear off a cliff Grand Theft Auto style - and hopefully hit some fangirls at the bottom for extra style points.

3. Realise that your idol does not actually want you in their personal life.

unigood

Sure, idols definitely like and are grateful for their fans, because fans are an idol's bread and butter.  Without fans, there is no celebrity status and without celebrity status there's no sponsors rocking up on the company doorstep to present your idols with a big wad of cash to advertise snack food they're not allowed to eat.  However, your idol does not want to have a personal relationship with you, for the following reasons:
  • You're nuts
  • No, really - you're fucking nuts.  Do you even know how crazy you are?
  • You're not a celebrity so they can't relate to you
  • They don't have the time
  • They don't want to lose their virginity oops too late
  • They don't want to be perceived as promiscuous by a hypocritical public
Notable exception: if you're Seungri.  Seungri will probably fuck you.  The rest of them, not so much, so quit dreaming.

4. Set a realistic goal.

goals

It's important not to overextend.  Going "cold turkey" on your idol might seem ideal but isn't suited to everyone and could result in a powerful relapse where you spend days on end drooling over fancams and SNS messages with no sleep.  It's okay to wean yourself off your idol crush slowly but surely, try using these techniques:
  • Still look at their pictures but unfollow their social networking accounts
  • Listen to the music of other groups occasionally
  • Plan a big night out to coincide with your idol's livestreamed performance or TV appearance
  • Make a conscious effort to be less of a drooling, shambling fuckwit
5. Get a hobby (besides k-pop, you dumbass).

umjigarden

It will take time to wean yourself off your idol crush, so you could probably use some non-k-pop-related mental distraction.  Umji demonstrates the ever-practical hobby of collecting twigs in plastic bags above, however not all hobbies are ideal.  There are some hobbies you may wish to avoid as they may just serve to remind you of k-pop and your crush and are therefore not considered hobbies for the purposes of this tutorial.  Examples:

  • Dancing
  • V-logging
  • Forum trolling
  • K-pop blogging
  • Photography
  • Clothing design
  • Hair styling
  • Prostitution
  • Chart manipulation
  • Jelly snacks
  • Duckface selca-taking

mujiduck

6. Focus on the future

seoncarer

Instead of thinking about your past of loving your idol, try to imagine life without your k-pop idol by focusing on the future.  Exciting future events that you can look forward to include:
Just be careful not to confuse "the future" with "Chad Future", or you may find yourself back where you started.

7. Be patient

Don't expect success straight away, it takes time to get over heartbreak!  Falling out of love with your idol crush won't happen overnight, but it will happen!

neverliked

24 comments:

  1. I'll be super sad if I give up Jaehyo, though.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The "I never liked you" t-shirt in the last photo is very fitting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That photo came with its own caption!

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  3. Every IU fanboy needs to read this.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Replies
    1. It's very rude of them to keep rubbing it in.

      Delete
    2. Umji might not be at the level of SinB or Eunha, but she's not ugly.

      Delete
  5. Umji makes Hyoyeon look like a goddess.

    ReplyDelete
  6. If you fall out of love with a K-pop idol, can you still fap to them?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sure, fapping to them is really much more rational

      Delete
  7. I wanted to see some sex videos under the Hitomi Tanaka link, but why did you put the Wonder Woman MV there?

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love the fact that I'm 99.9% my bias is gay which prevents me from getting to carried away with my fantazies, stan the gay one

    ReplyDelete
  9. I love the fact that I'm 99.9% my bias is gay which prevents me from getting to carried away with my fantazies, stan the gay one

    ReplyDelete
  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I love the fact that I'm 99.9% sure that my bias is gay which prevents me from getting to carried away with my fantazies, stan the gay one

    ReplyDelete