Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Kpopalypse's free legal advice service for k-pop fans!

Recent developments in the world of k-pop have shown that k-pop labels
are swift towill eventually take legal action against malicious haters!

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Are you prepared for such an eventuality?  Could you use free legal advice?  Do you like laughing at the misfortune of others?  If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions, please take advantage of the new Kpopalypse free legal advice service!

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Things to know about Kpopalypse free legal advice:
  • Legal advice will be given to all those in need regardless of how much you don't deserve it.
  • Advice requests can be submitted via Kpopalypse ask.fm, by leaving comments in this article, or via Raina-themed strippergram.
  • Although the legal advice given is technically free, our legal research team is funded by your Patreon donations to Kpopalypse, so expect a similar quality of advice that you would get from an actual lawyer for the same amount of money as whatever I received in donations over the last month.
  • And don't forget this important message, caonimas....
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Without any further ado, let's get started with some enquiries from caonimas that I've helpfully paraphrased to protect the guilty (i.e you)!
Dear Kpopalypse,
I answered my mail today and I got a court summons!  I read it and it was for some nasty comments that I left online on some dumb gossip article about how T-ara are all bullying bitches back in 2012 when it was trendy to hate them!  I'm not a trend-following stupid little bitch anymore, I've since grown up and realised that T-ara are completely innocent and now promise to stan them forever, but how can I convince the court that I've changed my ways and am no longer a faggot bitch (in a musical sense)?
Yours sincerely,
A caonima in need
Don't worry!  You'll be just fine.  If you're an international k-pop fan, you've got nothing to worry about at all, just stay away from Korea where the law can touch you.  This of course means you might have to stay in your home country away from your precious bias group, consider it righteous penance for being a dirty criminal, tsk tsk.  If you're Korean however you may actually be fucked over a barrel by Boram with a strap-on, but there's still hope!  In Korea, truth is not a defence against defamation, which means that it doesn't matter that you were a filthy liar about T-ara, MBK still may not win in a court case against you even if the facts are on their side (which they are).  If all else fails, don't drop the soap!

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Dear Kpopalypse,
I live in Korea and I'm upset because my ex-boyfriend doesn't pay any attention to me, he's too busy fapping to AOA videos.  I thought that AOA being exposed as a bunch of stupid moles who don't know anything about history would make him hate them because he's in the military, but now he stans then more than ever!  He can't even get it up for me unless I wear the same costumes that she wore in "Like A Cat" and "Good Luck".  To get back at him, I not only dumped him but tore up all his pictures of Choa and now he's suing me for property damage as some of them were really expensive!  How was I know that a picture of some common slutty tramp would actually be worth money?  What can I do to stop my ex from taking legal action?
Yours sincerely,
Frustrated
Don't worry!  You'll be just fine.  Cut your hair into a shoulder-length bob, dye it blonde, and do your best Choa cosplay, then approach your ex with an out-of-court settlement biased heavily in your favour.  Men can be talked into just about anything when their dicks are hard, so be appropriately convincing and favourable settlement conditions will soon be yours!  Just make sure he doesn't jizz before signing any legal documents, or "fapper's remorse" may kick in and he may attempt to renegotiate the deal.
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Dear Kpopalypse,
I'm a person in the public eye as well as a ladies man who likes to play it a bit rough especially in the bathroom, but lately some of the dirty bitches that I've been fucking have accused me of rape!  It's not my fault that I need the aroma of dried pee mixed with my ball-sweat to maintain a firm erection, but of course the conservative Korean media doesn't understand my fetish and are stereotyping me as a nasty sex criminal instead of the caring soul that I truly am (you believe me, right?).  The girls clearly have seen an opportunity to cash in on my millions, and I'm countersuing those gold-diggers, but realistically, what are my odds of getting through this with my career intact?
Yours sincerely,
A JYJ fan (they're the best omg)
Don't worry!  You'll be just fine.  You probably won't win the fight for your public image and you may even have to disband your group, but the likelihood of any long-term consequences or large financial payouts are low.  Kpopalypse suggests that you photograph some dick pics and send them to the judge who is hearing your case, and make sure you do so from an angle that emphasises the curvature of your shaft.  All Koreans know that a man with a curved penis can't rape women, so your innocence in the eyes of the court is all but assured.  If you need some examples of penises with curvature to base your photographs on, try here.

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Do you have questions for the Kpopalypse barristers and legal research team?  If so, don't be shy to ask them, and don't worry - you'll be fine!

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4 comments:

  1. dear kappalappalypse or whatever

    will i get in legal trouble for various sexually explicit comments i've made down the years?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fuck. My brain is rotting after reading your links about the curved penis and gang rape. Fuck. What the flying fuck.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm loving the decor in Nicole's bathroom

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have just downloaded iStripper, so I can watch the best virtual strippers on my desktop.

    ReplyDelete