Thursday, March 1, 2012

[MV Review] Kara - Speed Up

Well it's that time again. Kara has released a deliciously hot MV for fanboys everywhere. Before I start, I want to make it completely clear: Several of us authors are raging fanboys.

"That's so hypocritical!" some of you may exclaim, because we are against the insanity of fangirls.

However, it is not hypocrisy. Raging fanboys are simply passionately burning with the heat of 1000 suns, running on the pure fuel of sexiness flooding into their eyeballs. This has nothing to do with quality of music and no claims are made regarding it. There are no illusions held about talent because the whole notion of requiring it is discarded as a non-issue.

Talent is not needed for the fantasies we dream, but only for the ladies of our desire to be desirable. Whether or not they succeed at making good music or competing with each other in sales charts has nothing to do with whether or not they succeed at this, and succeed Kara most certainly does.

Find out how after the jump. [WARNING: A bazillion gifs await]




We begin with Seungyeon sitting in the ghetto looking disappointed with a rather nasty hand wound. Mysterious, yet the details will fill themselves in later. Next we see Nicole on a rooftop as The Cat Woman. Not Catwoman from DC Comics, mind you, but rather a woman who skins the many cats around Tokyo and turns them into clothing. Gyuri is waiting in a car in some hidden alleyway while Hara runs from the cops.

From the lyrics (something about speed hump? I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention) we can determine that Hara is a prostitute assassin well trained in the art of Sex-Fu. Gyuri is obviously her Sensei-Pimp and Hara is responsible for training the new recruit Seungyeon. Nicole and Jiyoung are already well-trained members of their sexy prostitute assassin gang.

Here you see a demonstration of Sex-Fu.


Next is a scene where Hara is Seungyeon's trainer, walking away in black and white to demonstrate her disappointment in Seungyeon's recent defeat.


As for that defeat and related injury, here is Jing recounting the tale of how she did it during a lesbian Sex-Fu sparring match as payback for pretending to be the maknae (this is the reason Hammie is a trainee in the video)


When Seungyeon isn't being emo about this, she's pissed off and wants a rematch.

"Get down here, bitch!"

Then we have a nice montage where we see Gyuri giving special personal training to Hara, her best student, while the others practice alone.


Merely training seems to make Seungyeon tired because she is still a weak trainee, and Gyuri is just too old for this shit anymore (which is why she is the pimp) so she switches to the low-energy yet master-level alluring seduction form, which requires focusing chi through your s-line.



Meanwhile, the hard work has paid off for Hara and she accomplished her mission. Yet those associated with the victim might think the death was due to natural causes, so like a good assassin she leaves them a message so they know the death was "a message"


When they all get together, representing their teamwork, two secrets are revealed.
The first is the mad bling they have gathered from their exploits.


The other one wasn't expected by anyone who doesn't know Kara very well: They are fucking aliens! And by the understanding that they use Sex-Fu, I mean literally fucking! Here they are training on their spaceship.


I guess that explains why Hara is the most skilled. As we look back we see she definitely had special high-level moves passed on to her, the chosen student.


And as Seungyeon is the fake maknae, Hara specializes in her own unique form, that of the fake jailbait.
So I give this video 5 out of 5 alien prostitute assassin Hara fake-baits.

42 comments:

  1. Kara are talentless SLuts!! GIVE ME SNSD INSTEAD!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kara make SNSD their bitch in Japan.

      Delete
    2. "GIVE ME SNSD INSTEAD!!!"

      -1 / marks as spam


      "Kara make SNSD their bitch in Japan."

      +1

      Delete
    3. SNSD are trash bag titty whores who suck off on hairy drunken hobos.

      Delete
    4. "Kara make SNSD their bitch in Japan."

      Sounds like the opening to what might potentially be a great porno...MAKE THIS SHIT HAPPEN

      Delete
    5. Takes talent to master sex-fu you know

      Delete
    6. inb4 sexfic anon

      Delete
  2. is that goo hara in last gifssssss

    o_O

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A challenger appears? (Zaku vs. Bob)

      Delete
    2. yus HaraGoo omgwtf!????

      Delete
  3. Aww hell yeah, saved all these muthafucking gifs!!!

    fake-jailbait Hara is the sex.

    Fuck SoHoShiDae, Kara shits all over them without even trying.

    Gyuri and Hara are so UNF in this MV.

    KARA is the sex. Period. That is all.

    ReplyDelete
  4. KARA just squirt on your face!

    Taste that, snsd stan!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. which is called a sone

      Delete
    2. lol ^ you mad brah?

      Delete
  5. Judging anons who can't tell a real stan from a fake stan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DONT CARE

      I STILL FUCK ON SNSD ANYWAY

      MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

      Delete
  6. If the rest of the authors continue pretending to be Zaku, the blog quality might actually increase exponentially. Are you listening, AIBAisMINE?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bob had gif articles when he first joined. It's just that Zaku is the one known for the gifs while Bob doesn't share them on the blog that often. He makes a lot of gifs and shares them in the chat, but that's it.

      Delete
  7. tl;dr I STILL FAPPED TO HARA BECAUSE SHE SO UNF OMG CUT MY BALLS OFF NAO KTHXBAI

    ReplyDelete
  8. "However, it is not hypocrisy. Raging fanboys are simply passionately burning with the heat of 1000 suns, running on the pure fuel of sexiness flooding into their eyeballs. This has nothing to do with quality of music and no claims are made regarding it. There are no illusions held about talent because the whole notion of requiring it is discarded as a non-issue."

    lmao is that supposed to be sarcastic because that it is utter bullshit. i've seen many a delusional fanboy, as i have seen many a rational fangirl. you don't speak for every fanboy on the planet, many of them go on about talent and i don't want to type anymore because jyp is staring at me and it's creepy so bye

    ReplyDelete
  9. this is fuckin' hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Always lovely to see you back, Jagiya <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Noonar omg wat do unf

      Delete
  11. That MV... I came. 5 times. Per minute.

    ReplyDelete
  12. ~Riding down Seoul city
    Black on black, Lamborghini
    Haters can never see me
    Come and get me! Too slow.~

    Bitches ain't got shit on 2NE1

    'cause they're so bad, bad
    But they're so good, good.
    Yeah, they're so bad, bad,
    But they're so good, good.

    Kara fanboys, peace out!

    ReplyDelete
  13. NICOLE IS FUGLY!!! Jessica IS sooo Sexy!! Seoyong is a donkey! Sunny is adorable! Hara is a fish out of water! Tiffany is a mermaid!! Gyuri looks like a troll! Seoyoung is a GODDESS!! Jiyoung...wtf!!! Taeyoung fuck yeah!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I Soyeunf Soyeunf this, I Soyeunf Soyeunf that, I Soyeunf this, I Soyeunf that, Yeah!

      Delete
    2. I'm sick of all the Eunjung, Jiyeon, Soyeon and Hyomin bias on here

      Why no love for my beautiful Qri?












      ... hah, just kidding. I had to use Wikipedia to remember what her name was.

      Delete
    3. Seungyeon*
      Seohyun*
      Taeyeon*

      Delete
    4. HARAGOO>eunjunf>qri>hyomin>snsd>horsica

      Delete
    5. ^ Wild faggot appeared!

      Delete
  14. once again Zaku has made a masterpiece after shitty posts from the new pinoy authors.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. the author's 아저씨

      Delete
  15. man I love your articles zaku

    ReplyDelete
  16. i keep trying to fap but nothing comes out because JYP is still judging me :(

    ReplyDelete
  17. it's like watching a kid try to be sexy

    ReplyDelete