Monday, August 12, 2013

The Crayon Pop fanboy cull

Picture this.

You're a young guy in high school and you've been a closet k-pop fanboy for a while now. Sure, you talk about it in forums while trolling under the safety of your anonymous handle "Taeyeonfap" but in your actual real life where you're significantly more chickenshit, nobody knows yet, and you're not sure when or even if you're going to tell them. It's been easy to hide from your parents - they tend to stay out of your bedroom since you've hit puberty, they only ever enter to change the clothing and the sheets, so they know from the stains exactly how much fapping is going on and are understandably not wanting to walk in on a "session".  Sure, they see the SNSD poster you put up but mixed in with all the Sports Illustrated bikini girls they don't really stick out, and you're listening to music mainly with headphones these days so you don't have to hear "TURN IT DOOOOOWN" from your annoying brother who doesn't even care what you listen to because he's into some bullshit music where they have no talent and scream all the time and you can't even hear the words - who actually listens to that shit, you wonder.  So it's not like anyone's in danger of busting you.

All is going well in your life, with your k-pop fetish remaining nicely undercover, until one day in the middle of science class, one of these slips out of your bag.



The guy sitting next to you picks it up and starts laughing - fascinated by "this faggot shit" he starts unboxing it in front of the whole class, to your horror.  He lays out all the photocards on the desk one by one while singing "heeeeeey, sexy layydeeee, op, op op..." as everyone gathers around and gawks at them, which is really embarrassing.  When he takes out the Taeyeon photocard you get particularly hurt and you try to grab it off him so he starts making lewd comments about her just to fuck with you.  To make matters worse, a group of girls behind you start giggling, including this one girl you've had a crush on for a while, so you guess you can kiss her off the "she thinks I'm a real man, maybe some day she will touch my genitals" list.  Eventually the teacher intervenes and breaks things up, and you've never been so happy to have a possession of yours confiscated until hometime.  It looks like the class asshole has won this round.

Upset and ashamed, you go home that night.  Over dinner your parents know that something's wrong but thankfully they don't press you about it - the embarrassment of being "outed" at school was enough humiliation for one day.  After dinner you sit with your parents and watch some music competition talent show, and a thought occurs to you: "If only they realised that my k-pop idols are talented", you think to yourself "maybe then they will take my love of this music seriously".  Armed with an iPad loaded with your best arsenal of "look, Taeyeon is a really talented singer" YouTube bookmarks, you return to school the next day and show it around the class.


It goes about as well as you realistically hoped it would - the girls are impressed while you talk enthusiastically about the harsh training regimes of k-pop and can see your point about Taeyeon, plus that one girl you like is kind of talking to you again - maybe a handjob behind the bike shed from her is a realistic dream after all.  The guy who gave you all that shit yesterday grudgingly says "you're still a faggot for liking that gay shit" but other than this, he keeps to himself and doesn't press the issue, seeing that you have the upper hand with the ladies and not wanting to get them off-side, after all he wants that handjob as much as you do.  You go home feeling vindicated.

After a while, things calm down, and people seem to forget about it.  Then, a few weeks later, the school bully confronts you, smartphone in hand.

"Hey, do you like this song?"


"No!" you exclaim instantly, "they're not talented at all!"

"Shut the fuck up fag.  You're into this k-pop bullshit, and this is a fucking hit song, it's number one in Korea.  You love this shit, you fucking cunt."



You try to protest, but it's too late.  Word has already spread around the school and your pontification on "idol talent" now looks like a joke that everyone is only too keen to rub in your face.  Lunchtimes become an ordeal with people singing "BaBa-Bar Bar, BaBaBa-Bar" at you everywhere you go in the yard, and occasionally a group of bullies will corner you somewhere and refuse to let you pass until you do the "jumping, jumping" dance.  Their favourite time to do this is just before you leave for home on your bicycle - "the helmet gives your dance a more authentic feel", they remind you.  That girl you like never talks to you again and your school social life rapidly disintegrates as nobody wants to be seen hanging out with you for fear of also becoming a victim.

Desperate and with pent-up anger that has no outlet in the real world, you turn to the Internet and unleash as much Crayon Pop hate as you can handle, but it's no use.  It's obvious to you that the girls are gang members and thugs, but in a unique and astoundingly clever pre-emptive marketing strategy, the girls have left their true colours wide out in the open for everybody to see.

You watch them rob some innocent hard-working pimp collecting his overdue payments from a lazy whore here, and this isn't some saesang candid camera, this is on their official video, which means they're proud of this shit:


You also note that their dance tutorial shows them openly bullying class members and practicing fighting moves, just like the ones that guy used to punch you in the stomach the other day, it's practically an instruction manual on how to slap people down:


What can you do to tarnish the online reputation of a group who are already this openly gangster?  Nothing.  Even other groups and the media are frightened of them.  Yet they got to #1, and they can barely even sing unlike your beautiful perfect angel Taeyeon, where is the justice in this world...

A month later when you are found hanging in your bedroom with a note saying "Taeyeon I'm sorry" which baffles the shit out of your parents ("Who?  Is that someone at school?"), the media chalks up your swinging corpse as another statistic in the global phenomenon known as "The Crayon Pop fanboy cull".  At school, you are not missed and the world of k-pop fandoms becomes 0.0001% more sane as a global average due to your sudden departure.

Crayon Pop are helping the mental health of k-pop fandom culture by disposing of their psychologically weakest specimens.  Be sure to cheer them on.

66 comments:

  1. Ilu kpopalypse

    seriously though number one
    number one seriously
    seriously
    Crayon Pop

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I preferred both "Saturday Night" and "Bing Bing" tbh, but "BarBarBar" is still better than 95% of what's come out this year. It's just been that kind of a year.

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    2. Really?...

      I couldn't finish BarBarBar, I was laughing out loud at how ridiculous it was. I wanted to make a joke about the helmets and special needs people, but I gave up thinking one up.

      This was a good year for music I feel, though... Brown Eyed Girls comeback? Koyote? Sunny Hill? Nnnope?

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    3. and Dancing Queen??? Bing Bing is that classic shit you're going to play in 10 years and be proud of your past self. I think.

      Bar Bar Bar sucks, but it's putting the girls & their shit-ass company in the spotlight, so I can dig.

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    4. Too bad they got popular with this song. Bar Bar Bar is the ONLY song where they don't really sing. I loved their 3 other songs though. Crayon Pop is fun, mindless and shouldn't be taken too seriously. It's funny how people are offended at why this song is 1st but much more crap songs get placed 1st.

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    5. I think BarBarBar is cool. I can see why it's a hit. At a time when most groups are fucking around trying to be all gimmicky and shit it's just a really stupidly basic pop song that delivers catchiness straight to your arteries. If you look at most wildly popular songs the "Stairways" and "Bhomeina Rhapsodies" are the exceptions - 99% of wildly successful pop music is basic as fuck because most people just want a good beat and something that's fun to sing along too, not a bunch of wank. The only thing I strongly dislike about BarBarBar is typing out the song name when discussing it, it's annoying to type.

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    6. i wish they had gotten famous off a song i like better but yeah i really enjoyed barbarbar

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    7. Bing Bing should've gotten famous. I mean, it was a great song. It literally had everything going for it and it didn't even sound like some kind of cookie-cutter song. It doesn't get old either. But then again, I'd say barbarbar getting popular is more proof that the industry/netz/people don't give a shit about how good a song or how talented a singer is (to clarify, i am not calling Crayon Pop talented lol i love them, but no) as long as the song is annoyingly catchy and kind of laughable. Same shit happened to WG back in 07 and SNSD too. Irony was and still is a great song, it showed off their talents well, but it wasn't until the aegyo shit with Tell Me (which is still a good song, but next to Irony ru srs) that the public recognized them. Into the New World was pure awesome and it's dance routine is still, to date stuff of legends. They weren't acting like some cutesy retards either, they were building airplanes and vandalizing shit(?).. but until the stupidly catchy Gee (which made a couple of members cry over just how stupid it is) came out, they didn't get public recognization either. I could rant about this for ages and I have a zillion examples (Baby VOX, Kara, T-ara) but my point is that the quality of the song isn't what's important, it's how stupid/cute/endearing the concept is.

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    8. But in pop music "annyoingly catchy" IS "quality".

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    9. True, and sorta my point. INTW, Irony and Bing Bing all showcased their artists to the fullest, but didn't have some sort of it factor that their less talent-requiring songs did. Sort of thus why Everyone claims kpop is full of useless bishes. A lot of them are useless, yeah, but that's whats popular. We can't have an industry full of Ailee's (that girl makes all the beyonce leftovers she gets seem like masterpieces, no small feat) and no one would want that anyway, despite what knetz have been claiming (saying Crayon Pop's popularity is a big fad and it won't last because they're talentless; claiming Sunmi shouldn't debut because she isn't Ailee level wtf) if it were true groups like Sunny Days and Ladies Code would both be at no. 1 despite the former having the lowest budget mv ever and no promotions and the latter just being a rookie, and all the examples I listed wouldn't have happened, because as soon as they debuted the general public/netz/etc would've been like "oh yeah talent cool I dig it" and they would be popular in their original forms.

      Tldr I'm really really tired and sick of knetizens (which isn't uncommon) I'm sorry.

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    10. If "useless" is "popular" then it's not "useless".

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    11. It's not a talent though, which is what netizens all jerk off to apparently.

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    12. i have said this so many times but anybody who goes to a mainstream pop industry in any country expecting deep meaningful songs and a large group of mozarts deserves to be given tejon face (non 30 rock fans: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CFrx_bpfQWI/T6PoMOmbu8I/AAAAAAAAB7A/F_La14uKBlY/s400/tumblr_la0jcaKbJJ1qzmvhdo1_500.jpg)

      pop music in general relies on fads and supercurrent trends (and ultimately, tries to create them) and tbh it's surprising when a song from the genre is actually heard and remembered a few years after it's created

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    13. That sounds like the NB article from a while ago.. (http://www.netizenbuzz.blogspot.ca/2013/08/will-there-be-song-worth-remembering-10.html)
      idk frankly it's like how people from the 80s all get nostalgic over footloose, when footloose is probably the most hilariously bad thing ever. In 10 years they probably will be acting memorable over something like Female President or Expect (or the gwiyomi song lmao) when at the time it doesn't seem like it's going to be something important. When kpop went through 08-09 no one was like 'this is going to be the most memorable era of kpop with all the best songs' but now everyone who was around during that time will be more than eager to tell you that.

      A while ago when Tahiti's song came out I had to look up a bunch of Aly and AJ and I could hardly remember what song they were ripping off despite Potential Breakup Song being huge when I was like 9 (I'm sure it was on my ipod or something at the time) It's not until usually quite a while later that you start thinking that any of the pop music/teen movies put out during your time are anything special, and that's just more for the sake of the time era and the stuff they attach to it, not because the song is particularly good. (ie. vintage kpop fans getting excited over H.O.T.'s Candy when let's be honest, that song is pretty bad, and amusing at best.)

      ((That being said, pre-07-ish, after the first era of kpop collapsed and all the good idols disbanded, in Korea at least, what was popular was all balads and serious stuff, like SG Wannabe and Seeya... and they got sick of that crap pretty fast after that and Tell Me and Lies happened, because idol pop is far more addictive than listening to ballad singers all day. I don't think anyone ever goes 'oh remember when SG Wannabe's Timeless was popular' yet people will go 'remember when Lies and Tell me was popular' so I'd say pop music is more memorable, tbh.))

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    14. I am not a Cpop fanboy or anything, but ChoA can sing. I'm pretty sure Way can too. I don't think the other members can very well though but look at this vid http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTEyYENwfAc

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    15. Soyul sings well too. See this :

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEmxK8U8G-A

      Delete
  2. I've never been anything than an average kpoper to ever be part of fandoms. But if there is ever a group i would become obsessed with and blindly defend at all costs it would be crayon pop. pop pop cu ray on pop bitches.

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    Replies
    1. They're different and their concepts have some consistency. This matters a lot more than a lot of other factors which people think matter but really don't.

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    2. I agree with this. Something about crayon pop really grew on me until I became a big fan almost without warning. And I think their back catalog of songs : Bing Bing, Saturday Night, Dancing Queen are some of the most consistently mindlessly exhilarating body of songs ever.

      This article sums up quite well why Crayon Pop has caught on in such a big way with the Korean public :

      http://beyondhallyu.com/k-pop/could-crayon-pop-be-the-new-future-of-k-pop/

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    3. For a seemingly mindless song and innocent concept, CP seems to have brought out the hidden intellectual in K-pop fans.

      Here's another opinion that I pretty much agree with. It was written in response to an article basically saying that CP's viral success was undeserved due to their poor live singing performance of BBB :

      "Wow, who wrote this? Pop music isn't about technical prowess, otherwise opera and classical music would still be heard on the radio. It's about entertainment and fun and reaching the heart of the masses. What's refreshing about CP is that they formed at an older age and didn't have their childhoods and personalities ground away by a big corporate machine, leaving them to question who they after their careers are over.

      CP is to kpop as what punk rock was to late 70's rock, when rock became too commercial and started become overproduced and boring, punk rock broke it down, kept it simple and spoke to the heart of the mass of the youth.

      I love kpop and appreciate all the things that make it unique from other pop music scenes, but I know exactly why Psy has been the only act to go over big in America. It's because Psy has talent AND personality. A true original one, with a unique point of view, that is fearless. It is true that Psy has taken on the comedian persona in America, but America embraces their clowns, because clowns are never afraid to speak the truth.

      CP will go over big in America. Mark my words. They are true to their adorkable personalities and are just too darn fun for their own good."

      The article in question :
      http://www.kpopstarz.com/articles/37850/20130815/crayon-pop-psy.htm

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    4. People who care about "live singing performance" in pop music are a laughing stock and I think that article and mine are poijting out exactly this, in two different ways. I myself did think of the "CP = punk" argument but I didn't write about it because while I want to believe it, I think it's a little bit of a stretch given the context of the group, however in terms of the preoccupations of music fans there's a grain of truth to it.

      Delete
  3. A part of your story is sadly true story for me, some people gave me the weird look when I liked kpop in high school, they told me I'm weird and all that shit, but I embraced my love for kpop and kept making them listen to one of the songs (BEG's abracadabra), and they got hooked to it later on, guess I won.

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    Replies
    1. I think a lot of people would cop shit for it in school. I'm lucky that k-pop in its current form didn't exist back when I was school age.

      Delete
    2. You cop shit, trust me. Eg. "What's with those asian biebers/faggots/etc on your phone screen?" "They look gay" "this shit isn't even in english" or they decide to look something up somehow and ALWAYS just happen to come across something like Mr. Simple or Bopeep Bopeep and are like "lol this is total crap wtf" I can't even understand it anymore tbh. (Or alternatively they wind up thinking Kpop=PSY; PSY=some weirdass one-hit wonder and assume that accounts for all of kpop)
      If someone asks me about kpop without mentioning that they look like fags/jb/1D I will probably be nice and link them some good SNSD or BeG or non-shit kpop but otherwise I don't care and will let them think what they want. (Or aid them in their thinking it's crap and we can all cringe over like half of Suju's discography together lol)

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    3. Even though a few of my class-mates are aware of my obsession with kpop they rarely make a fuss about it apart from the occasional snicker from this one guy who's name I don't even remember. It's probably because I was already quite popular before-hard. I'm currently waiting for an opportunity to show them some Sexy Love, Abracadabra or, if I'm feeling REALLY confident, I Got a Boy because even though its a weird song its a great way of showing people how different(?) kpop is from western music but its never really come up yet. We currently have an Italian exchange student who's showing us the type of music he listens to so I might be able to weasel in some kpop. Like I said, i'm quite popular, so even if they hate it, they'll still respect my opinion.

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    4. People don't usually bring up my interest in kpop unless something happened and I'm actively on yt watching music videos or something, or if they need a really witty retort to something I said that they dont like, eg.
      "You just answered 1+1 wrong."
      "WELL YOU LIKE KOREANS TROLOLOLOL"
      Only other time I can think of is post-GS because they heard something, or when Kid's React (not YTers since it's summer now *sigh*) came out.

      Consider yourself lucky a large amount of people like you. And lawd do not introduce anyone to the fandom/genre with I Got A Boy. Ever. That should be a golden rule of the kpop fandom.

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    5. One of my friend, complains that the song I played in my car was hideous or whatever, he just instantly hates it when he know it's kpop, I was quite irritated that time but I tried to ignore him.

      People call me korean wannabe, korean freak, etc. Me and my friends are all Indonesian, yet they only listen to mostly western songs cuz they hated indonesian songs, wtf?

      Though if they call the boybands faggots and trying way too hard I would probably agree with them.

      Please do not scare anyone new to kpop with IGAB.

      And I agree, reason why people bitches about kpop so much is probably cuz the first thing they stumble on is something as shit as IGAB or 2ne1 or suju stuff.

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    6. Oh yeah, the basic "it's kpop kpop is gay I don't like kpop" belief they judge every single kpop song (even the good stuff) based on. I've played people who've already made their minds up everything from BeG and Sunny Hill (is it even possible to not like Sunny Hill???) to Super Junior and IATB era 2NE1 and they will immediately just say they don't like it, regardless of what it is. Gag.

      Lmao people always ask me if I want to be Korean. No, I'm perfectly satisfied with my race, what does a genre of music I like have to do with that? Uhm.

      If people say kpop boybands are gay I will reply with "I know, right?" like I don't even ship but the majority of the stuff is as faggy as it gets (I will make a few exceptions, like maybe The Nuts or CN Blue or smth) yet that's what makes me like it? Like compared to US pop/boy groups where they try to hide how incredibly gay everything they're doing is (ie. 1D mocking B.A.P. when tbh they're the same thing; JB trying to be swaggy and wear rapper gear or whatever) whereas kpop is like 'yeah this is pretty gay now I'm going to go kiss some guys on stage and stuff and wear high heels and guyliner tell me more'

      I consider myself forever lucky I got into kpop pre-GS/IGAB and the first songs I heard were Lies and Gee. Otherwise I wouldn't have given it a second look, given the stuff that's currently 'popular' out of Korea (ie. IGAB, 2NE1/BB's recent crap, etc)

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    7. lol I was only kidding. I wish I could've seen the look on your face when I said I would actually have the audacity to inform someone of the existence of I Got a Boy. I'll probably stick with Sexy Love.

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    8. Phew. If anyone I know has any interest in kpop they will never find out about IGAB's existence if I have any say in the matter. Like even if they walk up to me with their phone and start blasting the song in my ears I will be like "what no I Got A Boy NEVER happened I hear nothing how about you put on Genie now"

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    9. Do you guys see the most recent youtubers react episode on youtube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekJ-ldOD0TQ) , those people love freaking IGAB for some reason.

      It really is frustrating how TheFineBros only show them those poopy kpop (fantastic baby is ok, lucifer err..), they could've shown smth like 4minute's past stuff, sunny hill, ya know all those groups that is worth listening to now.

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    10. I saw it because literally half of my friends linked it to me the second it came out.

      Why, of all things did they have to show them IGAB? Really. Really. I mean, Fantastic Baby is good, Lucifer is decent.... but then IGAB. (Also when the one guy is like "is that the girl from Gangnam Style" when it's on like Jessica how the hell do you even do that how does Hyuna look anything like her)
      It was at least better than Kids React, and Ryan Higa was even kinda amusing. (Esp given that hes like bffs with Jay Park)

      Delete
  4. If I hang myself and leave that note, will Taeyeon come to my funeral?

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    Replies
    1. Be sure to tip us off in advance if you decide to and then we can find out for you.

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    2. It's your story, you should know the answer to the question.

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    3. Yeah but I didn't write you in as a character.

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    4. Also, I don't want to say "yes" because it might encourage crazy fanboys to off themse.... HEY WAIT A SECOND

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    5. "Yeah but I didn't write you in as a character"
      From reading the post, it seems as if the main character is supposed to be the reader.

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    6. Yeah, but.... never mind lol I'm not conveying my point very well. Look I don't know the answer because I totally suck, ok? Happy? :D :D :D

      Delete
  5. I once did a presentation on K-Pop in Japan and brought a Korean T-ara album (Roly Poly) and SNSD album (Oh!) with me.

    In a Japanese class.

    Yes, I have balls the size of ur anus.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Were the weeaboos pissed that you did a presentation on an "inferior" culture?

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    2. Not many weeaboos left in a Masters degree class. hah
      Those losers mostly left during the first 2 semesters of the BA.

      At the end of the presentation I asked if anybody listens to Korean music, but only one girl mentioned some boybands crap.

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    3. Well at least they are indifferent. I presented kpop to the older weeaboos and thry really hated.but then again it's fapfuel kpop that I played

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    4. "fapfuel kpop" - that's like saying "kpop kpop"

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    5. I tried joining the anime club one semester at school. I was praying that I didn't join a group full of weeaboos, but God damn it, I believe that I was the only non-weeaboo there. So, each viewing session was four hours every Friday night...only lasted two hours the first night before I couldn't take it anymore.

      So No, what is your degree in? Translation?

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    6. I drew a manga with a friend that's a weeaboo way back in 2011. It never lasted a month because of all the intense arguments. He seemed hellbent on ensuring that giant mechas with machine guns and rockets were added in a story timeframe focused in the 1940s, saying it'd be better if Japan had a 'secret weapon' in store.

      Delete
    7. I study Japanology at a university.
      It's similar to "Japanese Studies" in North America.
      (In terms of time consumption) about 30% language classes and 70% other classes like seminars and lectures.
      However, in the MA, I'd say the language classes dropped to about 15~20%, writing, reading and discussing is an even bigger part now.

      Delete
  6. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qI1SofSccQA

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    Replies
    1. If Crayon Pop debuted with music that sounded like THAT, they would be ignored, and rightly so.

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  7. Replies
    1. Not sure if I'm being insulted because this person only skim-read the article and didn't notice any of the subtext, or if this is just a general comment about how Crayon Pop are unstoppable. Damn the Internet and its lack of context.

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  8. love how most of the people on neitzenbuzz are sore about "crayon pop is catchy but it's not GOOD music, you know?"

    IN THE CONTEXT OF POP MUSIC CATCHY IS WHAT GOOD IS

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    Replies
    1. Netizenbuzz comments section is an intellectual black hole. They're as bad as the Korean netizens they read about.

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    2. i think its hilarious how upset they are that crayon pop is winning over whatever snoozefest b2st created

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    3. Here's the intellect hieracy surrounding kpop according to the evidence I've collected:
      From stupidest to smartest:
      1. Non-kpoppers
      2. kpop fangirls
      3. kpop fanboys
      4. i-netizens
      5. k-netizens
      6. a mentally retarded parakeet

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    4. @blue I really don't understand B2ST. They're great as an actual band, the members are good looking, they have some of the best dancers, vocalists and rappers in kpop and most of them have great personalities. But their song quality is an embarrassment to humankind. It's obvious why they have the most innocent and harmless fanbase in kpop, you'd have to be on valium to be retarted enough to think anything the group has ever released is even remotely good. smh, what a waste of talent that snoozefest is. The only real hope I can see for the group is if Gikwang makes a solo comeback, which is never going to happen because ever since Yoseob became popular nobody remembers who the hell Gikwang even is.

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    5. Putting fangirls above fanboys in terms of intellect as a general rule is a bold statement.

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    6. Oh no! It's in order from stupidest to smartest, so fanboys would be smarter. But it doesn't matter, cause the bird outsmarts them all.

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    7. My order would have been 6 5 4 2 3 1 which is why I thought it was the other way around.

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    8. so that would make non-kpoppers the stupidest?

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    9. My order would make them the smartest! Let's be honest - I love k-pop, but it kills brain cells.

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    10. that's what i was thinking how did i even get here

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