Saturday, August 24, 2013

Your bias gets INFINITE amounts of pussy

It's no secret that as k-pop's stock has risen globally, there are more young people in Korea than ever before striving to become idols, and that it's a ridiculously competitive industry where something like 0.01% of hopefuls will ever get anywhere close to their dream.  What would inspire such fierce competition, especially in the case of the male groups?  Surely not ego given how much new idol groups are despised, and certainly not money given that even many of the top stars have a bank balance in the negative.  So what does that leave?

Answer: the same thing that inspires just about everything else that men do.



"The male sex drive is so powerful that if it were to be eliminated, the entire economy would crash in one day.  There would be nobody at work, nobody in school.  All we would do is lie around and eat and fart and get fat.  The sex drive is what makes men get up in the morning.  It's the machine that runs the world.  Why do men want to become successful?  To get women.  For gay men, it's no different.  You're ambitious to please your partner.  If women didn't like criminals, there would be no crime.  If a thief knew women wouldn't accept the things he buys with stolen money, he wouldn't steal.  The money would be no good.  Very few men are out there seeking just straight-up blatant power.  In the film Scarface, Al Pacino says, "In this country, first you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women."  He didn't say, "First you get the women."  Women were the prize at the end of the climb." - Ice-T, from "The Ice Opinion".

I recently found a fascinating Tumblr called "kpop scenarios".  Most fanfiction sites bore me rigid but what I thought was special and interesting about this site is that it's a "service" for those who might like to write fanfiction but might not be blessed with any creative writing skills, so you're getting your fanfic written for you by someone who might be a crazy fangirl just like you, but who has to bend their imagination a bit so they can pretend that they're into your bias group enough to get "in the zone" to put out some appropriately mushy writing.  There's a business idea in this somewhere.

However, a quick peruse through the list of scenarios currently available revealed a saddening shortfall: the scenarios lacked realism as they were overly "domesticated" - they didn't seem to reflect the reality of how people have relationships in the high-pressure world of the music industry.

scen2

Hey you dumb whore, guess what - some guy in a k-pop group doesn't have time to teach you the "penguin dance", don't you think he gets enough of fucking dancing at work?  He probably doesn't even have time to go shopping either, let alone buy a "bouncy castle" (is this the answer to the age-old question "what do women want"?) - hell, he probably lives in a squalid dorm and doesn't even have anywhere to PUT your fucking bouncy castle.  Where the fuck do you buy a bouncy castle anyway, I must confessed I've never looked into this properly.   He's more interested in fucking, certainly not in fucking YOU but certainly getting it wet somewhere along the line.

A little-known fact: most idols, when they have sex (which is fairly often - we'll get to that in a moment), do it in cars.  It's not hard to figure this out -  after all you can't fuck in your dorm because it'll annoy the shit out of the other members, if you go to a hotel with some chick the media will be all over it, and you can't find a dark alley because there are saesangs everywhere outdoors, so unless you're fucking some girl who works for the same record company as you (in which case you can probably sneak out and find a vacant room somewhere at company HQ) then the car is really the only option.  K-pop producer Shinsadong Tiger even bragged recently quite openly in the media about how he's been responsible for arranging several backseat fuckathons like these, and you can bet he's not the only one lending out his car for "services".  Korea might be culturally "sexually conservative" as a general rule, but remember we're also talking about the music industry which is notoriously "sexually unconservative" and has a culture that's more permissive when it comes to casual hookups.

So how much fucking do these idols actually do?  Are any of them virgins?

Hahahahahahaha.

Hahaha.

Here's Vice Magazine reporting on Seoul Fashion Week.


You always get the most revealing results about k-pop artists from media that doesn't usually cover k-pop, because the groups are caught a little off-side by journalists who aren't aware of standard procedure, and the media themselves don't give everything the usual spin that is customary.  Relevant part: from 11:14 to 13:14.  Infinite are quite happy to talk candidly about the fact that they're giving away the D like it's a fire sale until Woolim Ent. PR reps come storming in and say "we can't let them film this, quick - shut off the cameras before our precious Infinite reveal they are fucking Dal Shabet and AOA members in the back of the company SUV!"

With all this in mind, I decided to send through a request for some fanfic to "Kpop Scenarios" that would reflect the realities that I felt were lacking in this collection and thereby help rebalance the list in favour of the kind of gritty realism that I try to exemplify in my own writing:

We'll see how we go.  So far, I haven't heard back.  Sadly I don't think the Tumblr is all that active anymore given that the last visible update is at the end of 2012 but here's hoping that my requests sparks some more creativity!  Wish me luck!

53 comments:

  1. I thought we all knew idols fucked in cars. They've got to be careful now though, Dispatch/Sports Seoul have like the license plates of nearly every idol recorded in some database and stalk them nonstop. That's how they catch that majority of couples.

    Idols are best going through someone for the car arrangements (like Shinsadong Tiger) or getting like a rental or something. That's basically (as far as I can tell) the main reason couples like Shinhye and Yonghwa (those two have been fucking since at least some time after Heartstrings sorry not sorry) don't get found out by the media- they don't drive their own cars to their dates/sex meetups like a pair of idiots.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah I think it's reasonably well known these days actually, but I thought it was good to mention it as a counterpoint to the "when you're taking a shower together" fanfics.

      Delete
    2. 'You' fanfics/scenarios are so freaking unrealistic in general. Like oh yeah your bias just happened to meet you on the street and become mesmirized by your beauty(and/or is now living with you/married to you/I have a list). Oh and you are also apparently a really creepy looking ulzzang (Song Ahri and Kim Shinyeong actually scare me and I think they'd scare oppar too). Yeah, no. I hope your Hoya scenario request goes through, I genuinely want to read whatever they come up with. Maybe car!smut can become a trend elsewhere because I'd actually like to see this too.

      Delete
  2. I swear, I think I stop breathing everytime I realize you've posted a new article, they're that thrilling to read. I'm not even joking here. I think I might be obbsessed. Forget S<3NES and QUEEN'z, I'm now a fully fledged kpopalypse-fag.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's flattering, and I'm glad you're enjoying the articles, just don't saesang me outside my apartment okay?

      Delete
    2. Cannot garuntee this hyungr. Consider getting a bodygaurd the next time you go to the bathroom.

      Delete
    3. Can I join the kpopalypse fandom? Your articles are jjangbak

      Delete
    4. Sure. Membership fee $1500. Hey if I'm gonna get saesangs I need the money to hire security.

      Delete
    5. I'm gonna buy the delux, special edition, repackaged, version Y membership fee as well as an additional 20 copies because I am kpopalypse's biggest fag! If you don't do the same, you aren't a true fan and just some freeloader getting off to his articles so shame on you.

      Delete
    6. I am a highschool student but I guess I can just make like the other sasaengs and take out private loans and sell my soul to some loan sharks for kpopalypse oppar to afford the albums/membership AND buying oppar luxury presents for his birthday/xmas/every other holiday and sometimes just because

      Who were you calling a freeloader?

      Delete
    7. [sits back and waits for his paypal to fill up]

      Delete
    8. Question, are letters written in menstral fluid a sufficient alternate display of affection?

      Delete
    9. Money is preferred. If I want menstrual fluid, I can... actually let's not go there.

      Delete
    10. oppa i will smack you in the face with anthrax so you will remember me for hangsang <3<3

      Delete
    11. I can put superglue in your drink!

      Delete
    12. that was actually done by an 'anti-fan'
      yunho didn't sue because 'she was the same age as his little sister'

      but i think something more insidious happened behind the scenes between the two of them

      Delete
    13. Oppa, I will buy you V.I.P tickets to a Reece Mastin concert so we can build our yeongwoni sarang ibnida. <3

      Delete
    14. Damn koreaboos are getting better with their romanized korean.

      I mean eonjena saranghae oppar

      Delete
  3. Doin' it in your own car... Four couples already? Eww, ewww, ewwwwwww...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Late night taxi drivers where I live have to clean the jizz and beer off their seats virtually every night. It's no different.

      Delete
  4. To think that Shinsadong Tiger is almost a literal pimp. Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  5. BAD FANFICTION TYM: special girl


    'shit'

    you had missed them! infinite had walked into the building as you were touching up your makeup on the way here instead of sprinting, and now you would never see them. It was their last day in your country, and now it would be over with a newly bitter, unfulfilled taste in your mouth

    'shit, shit, shit, shit'

    you stood at the entrance all alone, with your special 'HOYA' t-shirt and a letter to the boys that you believed had saved your life in your darkest times.

    The hotel staff, however, didn't know this. In a last, desperate attempt, you tailed a group of about five people; there must have been an outsider in the mix, or maybe the hotel staff was just too busy cleaning up the mess that about 50 fans had left in their lobby, because you got into the lift!

    what floor are they on? you glanced at roughly 40 buttons in front of you.

    'who are these celebrities int he hotel today?' you suppressed a huge smile and glanced at a blond girl near you who looked slightly annoyed 'it's been like half an hour since we parked'

    'i don't know, but there are all these bouncers on the seventeenth floor; i got off there by accident yesterday and it was like the fucking spanish inquisition like 'why are you here' 'who are you' and they fucking checked my CAMERA for what photos it had on it'

    the conversation went on, but you repeated the word to yourself over and over

    seventeen
    seventeen
    seventeen


    you got off on the eighteenth floor and went down the stairs, careful not to warrant a backward glance from the security guard who was right at the doorway.

    how the fuck am i going to get past this

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. just part 1 for now this makes me feel like i'm losing a part of myself i can never retrieve

      Delete
    2. Aww Update Soon Pls Author-nim! >< I wanna know if we get to see Infinite and if oppa saranghae gets the D! Infinite thirst, hwaiting!^^

      Delete
    3. Colour me intrigued. Nothing like a cliff-hanger. Will there be smut included? Will you be posting this on Asianfanfics.com?

      Delete
    4. 'OPPAAAAAAAAAA~!' was the piercing cry that made part of your stroke of amazing luck 'HOWON OPPAAA~!!!'

      'annyeonghaseyo' you imagine him bowing politely at the writhing mess of female that it took two security guards to hold down. Of course, though, she wasn't alone; two more friends, armed with a DSLR each were making their way to the confused idol. from your vantage point at the doorway, you watched silently as your ultimate fucking bias awkwardly smiled at three middle school students, dressed in a wifebeater and dark jeans. you admired the defined collarbones and the disheveled hair. your lips ghosted his small smile and your fingers waved at the girls in time with his. for a second, it looked like his razor-sharp eyes looked met yours, but you must have imagined it.

      you thought about how your last boyfriend dumped you eight months ago because you were too involved with the oppas, and it was so worth it, except that citrus pang of loneliness that washed over you as you continued to watch this otherwordly specimen of perfection from your hidey-hole. he was way hotter, anyway. as a manager or two emerged to check up on him, he faced almost directly towards you and you seemed to feel the silkiness of his smiling lips on yours; you could feel his sweaty hair between your fingers, and you could see small beads of sweat rolling down his somewhat tired face.

      somebody speak some fucking english before i die of boredom

      finally, though, someone who spoke your language said to him through a translator
      'we have arranged a car; you can leave whenever you want' and hoya rushed back into room 1705 after a few quick bows. the security guards were back now and you knew you had no chance of getting past them right now. you decided that if hoya was going somewhere, it would be best to bide your time near the hotel's cars in the lower basement.

      it was a long and dark walk downstairs, but the knee-weakening thought of your ideal man made it endurable. there was nobody downstairs yet, so you sat between two cars and the fantasies of lee howon ran wild in your imagination

      'it's you again' a familiar voice said in accented english, and you looked up to see two eyes like cigarettes burning into yours as they shined with amused disinterest

      Delete
    5. Every fanfic needs a poster, so I made one for you : http://i.imgur.com/Gz5wdDH.png
      kinda half-assed it dun judgeu

      pls pls pls keep writing

      Delete
    6. You need to make an AFF account this is probably my favorite fanfic ever

      Delete
    7. update it sooon pleeaaaaseeeeee

      Delete
    8. i sWEAR I HAD UPDATED THIS YESTERDAY GOD DAMN YOU COMPUTER I DON'T ACTUALLY SAVE THIS I JUST TYPE IT IN THE COMMENT BOX

      anyway i'll get to writing it again in a minute but in the meantime, thank for many many khamsa for giving so much sanranghaejuseyo to this fanfic i am so glad that all those years of advanced english paid off like this c':

      @monii: yoooo that banner is tight man i lol'd at 'how can oppa do this to me'
      @byuntae: lolnO not making an aff that site is so ugg but if you're ever in the mood for a laugh ask on my tumblr and ye shall receive chingu

      Delete
    9. ((@blue unnir I don't have your tumblr or I'd probably ask there every second day))

      Delete
    10. ohh sor my tumblr is bawdylair.tumblr.com

      oh and i think it's just about 12am in la; happy mlk day peeps yayyy holiday



      -x-


      he's here.

      he's here

      he's here

      i'm going to throw up


      suddenly, the stalker-fans that you had reblogged countless hate-posts about on tumblr didn't seem so crazy; for one moment, the love of your life within your reach, his hair flat down, a backpack in his hands, a small, cheeky grin playing at his lips.

      snap back to reality and he was looking at your face, eyebrows raised slightly at the awkward silence

      'my name is _______' and he laughed. someone seemed to be making their way downstairs, so he blocked their view of you and spoke to the guy you recognized as the english-speaking manager

      'uhh sorry...forgot phone...in the room'

      'oh, no problem, i can go grab it for you; here, sit in the car' and a small clink meant that hoya now had the keys to the car. he got his phone out of his pocket and called a number. every word of his conversation was in rapid korean, but you caught 'sungjong-ah' and 'manager-hyung'. it hit you that he did all this on purpose so he could be alone with you and for a moment basic functions like breathing and making your heart beat seemed to cease. you looked awkwardly at him as he made a smooth entrance into the back of the car and patted the spot next to him gently.

      'you are...from here?-live here?' he made little roof-hands and his genuine struggle with a foreign language was so overpowering that as you managed a high-pitched giggle, you leaned in a little. realizing almost too late what you were doing, you frozeabout an inch away from his shoulder. he returned your squeaking with a low chuckle and a warm pair of arms pulled you closer to his chest. he was wearing the amount of cologne that was just right, and his shirt was so soft and his body so welcoming that you sunk into it. you felt something fiddle with your hair

      'i say ho, you say ya. ho-'

      'ya'

      'why do you like hoya?' he asked, tracing the letters of his name on your headband, and then the mobius strip-shaped logo that meant so much to you. you had listed on your tumblr so many times why you called lee howon your ultimate bias; the way he covered his mouth with a hand when he laughed sometimes, his cutting sarcasm, his otherwordly diligence and commitment to his work, the way he was friends with his members

      'because you're sexy' and with that, your eyes widened in surprise at what your mouth seemingly said off its own accord. sure, you had first been drawn to hoya because of his appearance, but his personality and the amount of talent mattered so much more to you. he himself was a little taken aback by the answer as you looked up to see his face lose composure for a nanosecond, and he was on again

      'i'm sexy?' and you didn't know what to do except just keep looking at him 'you're sexy too'

      and that was when you died of joy and haha story over, only not quite. he leaned in a little further, and you a little further, and suddenly, his lips were touching yours.

      don't throw up in his mouth. don't throw up in his mouth

      you felt him suck on your lower lip, then pull away for a second before attacking full force with his hands on either side of your face; you found a side of yourself that even you had not known as you grabbed onto his wrists and your tongues explored each others mouths furiously, stopping only for the slightest bit of air.

      Delete
    11. as the kiss deepened, you felt his hands explore your body; the curve of your waist, the tips of your fingers, the length of your hair, before finally settling on your thighs, where he ran the fingers of one hand up and down, while the other came closer and closer to the zip of your shorts. the new you wasn't fucking around either; you grabbed his hair with one hand and went for his belt with the other, unbuckling it with an ease you didn't know you could pull off. you trailed kisses down his neck before going back up to his mouth, as you felt an erection slowly grow beneath his clothes. you sucked on his collarbone and played with the neck of his tee before he finally raised himself up a little and took his jeans and underwear to his knees. you were still stroking his penis as you pulled away from a quick kiss and looked straight at him before running your hands over your chest a few times, making how hard your nipples were obvious for him to see. he seemed to have no reaction, so you best over and started trailing kisses near his thighs, the bones in his hips, and finally you went down to his testicles and licked all the way from there to the tip. he threw his head back and you slowly massaged him as you circled your tongue just below the tip of his penis. he moaned the slightest bit and you switched to taking deliberate, shy licks of the tip. he used his hand to push your head down and you started doing what you were meant to, swallowing the length of his penis while using your hand to play with his testicles, looking straight into his eyes as he pushed your head further and harder down, his hand holding all of your hair tightly back. you make low humming sounds that became slowly higher as he got closer and closer, and suddenly there was a tasteless fluid in your mouth. you usually hated to, but you decided that just this once it would be alright to swallow; to get him closer, you went faster and faster while keeping one hand cupped with a little pressure at the base so that the blood would flow faster. he pushed you off and came mostly on your chin and mouth, and a little on your neck, leaning back and absently throwing you a box of tissues that you cleaned yourself up with hurriedly

      'leave' he said, rolling his eyes to look at you as he slowly pulled his pants back up

      'what?'

      'uhh..manager'

      'but-' but we were going to have a fairytale. but we are in love; you're in love with me. but we were going to have three children. 'but we didn't even fuck!' it came out as more of a scream and he sighed as he opened the door and ushered you out. you fell out of the car and he said 'bye...' and his nose crinkled a little

      '______' he forced a smile and closed the door. you were so enraged that you started banging at the windows screaming his name 'HOYAAA! HOYAAAAAAAA' and you were so loud that you didn't even hear the manager run up to you and throw you away from the car

      'get away before we run over you!' you suddenly realized what this looked like to him and you made an attempt to look civilized, despite your disheveled appearance

      'no, you don't understand, see-'

      'you want to have his children? you think you're going to marry him? i've heard it all before-move out or i call the security, honey, and they're going to charge you with trespassing - i saw what they did to these girls near the hotel rooms' and there was a kind of concerned apathy in his tone that made you believe him. you looked through the tinted windows at hoya, but he was choosing what to listen to on his itouch. the manager got in the car as quickly as he could and they drove out of your sight.

      you couldn't help but think that you should've just fucking been on time and gone home.

      -x-

      okay guys you're welcome i feel disgusting

      Delete
    12. ^lieks

      Omfg unnir best fic ever sequel plz sequel plz it was perf

      Delete
  6. New fag for your articles here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi ~ MOAR PLS AUTHORNIM LET ME LOVE YOU MAKE PART 2

      Delete
  7. Nuh-uh ! Taeyeon unnie will only get MY poontang !

    I didn't know there is a group called "Infinite", so this article didn't make much sense to me at first. Especially since I have a flash-blocker on my netbook, otherwise sites take forever on this little shit to load.
    Anyway, I think there's quite some fucking going on between groups, probably because most of them are good looking people (but I can't say for the guys, since they're all various degrees of fug to me). But also because it's just safer for the company to have them bang eachother, than some stranger from outside.

    I also feel like banging Jessica right now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you're an idol, someone else who is also in the entertainment business is more likely to understand your lifestyle. Also, you meet these people all the time, and you don't really meet anyone else ever, at least not under normal circumstances, so you can never be sure if people outside are "genuine" or not.

      Delete
    2. i think it was apink that said that groups that promote at the same time often have members dating

      Delete
    3. So Bang Yongguk might have banged Song Jieun, considering he posted a picture of her on his Instagram in June with the caption "Blacknight" (which he proceeded to delete later due to Babies raging).

      Delete
    4. they didn't just bang, they made a song about it

      Delete
  8. LOL @ the Ice-T quote.

    "If women didn't like criminals, there would be no crime. If a thief knew women wouldn't accept the things he buys with stolen money, he wouldn't steal. The money would be no good."

    In the words of my elders, "If you need money and you ain't working, guess what you're gonna do? Steal." lmfao XDD Sad, but true. Money makes the world go around. And she ain't saying she a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke nigga *do Kanye shoulder lean*

    Anyway, the sex in the car thing isn't new to me since I found out about that from an akp forum thread entitled "celeb secrets". Hell, I'd do it in the car too, so we can go to Krispy Kreme doughnuts after lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wait... an AKP forum post contained actual information?

      Delete
    2. The majority of the celebs secrets thread was bullcrap so if it contained that I'm impressed

      Delete
    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  9. Replies
    1. Vice are always questionable, and tend to slant whatever they cover in the most "OMG guys you won't believe this" way possible (I'll never forget when they did a whole magazine issue on my Dad's old hometown Coober Pedy - they actually made it seem almost interesting), but the film is largely irrelevant to what I'm on about anyway apart from that one section.

      Delete
  10. Okay. Now the sexist (for both sexes) and misogynistic American shit got too far. Not on my favorites anymore lol.

    ReplyDelete