Saturday, November 15, 2014

Album rev-ew - F-ve Dolls "F-rst Love"

Today -'ve found out today someth-ng wh-ch -'ve suspected for a wh-le but wh-ch has now been conf-rmed - F-ve Dolls have d-sbanded.  The label haven't released an off-c-al statement yet, but none -s needed; the label's new webs-te doesn't l-st them as an act-ve group, and w-th several members hav-ng left the company, -t's easy enough to see what's happened.


S-nce - felt that F-ve Dolls' f-nal -ncarnat-on d-dn't really get enough attent-on when they were act-ve, -'m now go-ng to overcompensate w-ldly by wr-t-ng my f-rst k-pop album rev-ew!

-'ve never done an album rev-ew before s-mply because - mostly don't see the fuck-ng po-nt.  -f you want to hear any mus-c by anybody these days, you can just pull up your -phone or go to your favour-te p-rate webs-te and hear -t for free anyt-me.  All the art -s also ava-lable somewhere onl-ne should you care to search, and let's be honest, the album -sn't really even the product anyway, -t's the g-rls themselves and the -dea of them as enterta-nment ent-t-es that you can love, cher-sh and fap over.  However s-nce probably no more cop-es of the F-rst Love m-n- album are l-kely to be made -n the future from the company beh-nd th-s flop group who have now d-scarded them and left them on the nugu trash heap, -f you're a F-ve Dolls fan you may just-f-ably wonder; -s -t worth p-ck-ng up one of the last rema-n-ng phys-cal cop-es?  Let's answer th-s -mportant quest-on w-th an...


Released -n 2013 by: Core Contents Med-a (now MBK Enterta-nment), d-str-buted by KT Mus-c - KTMCD 0292

Phys-cal product d-mens-ons: 195mm x 140mm x 24mm

Phys-cal product contents:  CD -n box w-th 24 double-s-ded photocards and foldout album cred-ts




Let's start th-s album rev-ew w-th the most -mportant th-ngs f-rst.  S-nce -t's the members of the group wh-ch are the real commod-ty -n any k-pop release, we'll beg-n there.  So, who are (were) F-ve Dolls?



- f-rst suspected that F-ve Dolls m-ght be d-sband-ng when - heard last week that Nayeon had left the group and now res-des -n Ch-cago.  Amer-can readers, look out for a Nayeon near you!  Nayeon has qu-te good command of Engl-sh apparently, so -'ve asked her about maybe do-ng an -nterv-ew somet-me but - th-nk she's busy study-ng so probably doesn't have t-me for my bullsh-t.  Oh well.  -'m here and ready -f she changes her m-nd!



Seunghee -s very attract-ve, fresh-faced, off-c-al Kpopalypse b-as l-st approved and has apparently reta-ned her contract w-th MBK.  We'll probably be see-ng more of Seunghee soon -n terms of s-ng-ng, mus-c v-deo cameos (l-ke her great turn play-ng the slutty wench -n The Seeya's "Tell Me" MV), act-ng or other act-v-t-es and -t's just as well because - th-nk -'m gett-ng some ser-ous blue balls.



Hyewon certa-nly has someth-ng -nterest-ng about her v-sually and w-th her short ha-r g-ves off a v-be s-m-lar to Hae-n from Gangk-z - she doesn't possess qu-te the same -mpress-ve rack, but she's also not as far off as you m-ght th-nk -n that department (see "You Cheated", below).  She's also an exper-enced model and actress and has a cameo -n T-ara's "Love Dovey Zomb-e vers-on" MV as well as T-ara N4's "Jeon Won D-ary".  Hyewon has now reportedly left the company but here's hop-ng that she's landed on her feet somewhere n-ce (l-ke my house).



Yeonkyung -s cute and also a member of The Seeya, so even though F-ve Dolls are no more, you'll st-ll get to hear lots more from Yeonkyung -n the future, assum-ng that The Seeya have some more comebacks planned.  Ballad groups l-ke that tend to have a longer shelf l-fe than -dol pop stuff so -'m opt-m-st-c that MBK w-ll trans-t-on The Seeya to more and more of a Dav-ch- style d-rect-on, wh-ch m-ght be quest-onable for mus-c qual-ty purposes but w-ll be a pos-t-ve development for Yeonkyung fap.



Hyoyoung -s notor-ous among k-pop c-rcles as the s-ster of T-ara's Hwayoung, Korea's #1 net-zen troller and hyg-ene advocate.  Let's not let Hyoyoung be overshadowed though, she's st-ll w-th MBK and has been bu-ld-ng up for herself qu-te an act-ng resume, and -'m not talk-ng about act-ng l-ke her leg -s hurt m-nutes before go-ng onstage.  She also has some n-ce boobs under that hanbok, hopefully she'll learn from her s-ster's -mpress-vely slutty ant-cs and we'll get to see them a l-ttle more -n future.



Last but not least, who can forget the lovely charms of Eunkyo?  She's so adorable that - made her a cl-ckable -con on my personal webs-te, know-ng that no human al-ve can res-st the urge to cl-ck on the Eunkyo and be taken to wonderful and myster-ous places.  She's left the company now and also deleted her Tw-tter so who knows what the future holds but s-nce K-m Kwang Soo has also left the company - wouldn't be at all surpr-sed -f he's kept Eunkyo all for h-mself.  Too conven-ent to be mere co-nc-dence, they're probably cuddl-ng on a deserted -sland somewhere far away from Korea's tax -nspectors as you read th-s.

Oh and yes -'m well aware that there were other g-rls -n F-ve Dolls but they're not on "F-rst Love" so - don't g-ve a fuck.  Th-s -sn't W-k-ped-a you wh-ny cunt.  Anyway, now that we've gotten to know the lovely g-rls of F-ve Dolls, let's move onto...


Now we move onto the packag-ng, wh-ch -s -mportant.  After all, -f you d-dn't want the package, why would you buy -t at all?  -t's not l-ke all mus-c -sn't ava-lable completely free these days.

Here's a great unbox-ng v-deo w-th a m-n-mum of fuss and wank that shows you the contents of the box and all of the photocards, =t'll save me some ty-ng.  Yes, there's even a photocard for "F-ve Dolls fr-end" Dan-!

The package -s the same s-ze as T-ara N4's m-n- album and only a few m-l-metres smaller than m-ss A's "-ndependent Women part 3", but a very s-m-lar des-gn to all of these.  -t's not the eas-est des-gn from the po-nt of v-ew of acces-ng the contents but -t's better than most k-pop package -deas for keep-ng safe frag-le photocards.

The unbox-ng v-deo makes reference to s-gned ed-t-ons of th-s m-n- album.  These ed-t-ons are probably by now very rare, they've certa-nly sold out on YesAs-a a long t-me ago, - know th-s because - bought one.  Here's a scanned copy of my s-gned album cred-ts foldout, sorry for the scan qual-ty, my scanner -sn't -n the best shape and leaves ugly l-nes on everyth-ng.




Lastly, let's take a look at the songs on th-s m-n- album.  There are s-x songs -n total, and they are:


Eas-ly one of the best feature tracks of 2013, "Can You Love Me?" was the song that Ap-nk have always threatened to do but have never qu-te managed for some reason, and -f Ap-nk had actually released th-s song -nstead of that rubb-sh "Secret Garden" crap, -t would have no doubt been huge for them.  What makes "Can You Love Me?" work where other songs l-ke th-s often fa-l -s that although the song -s -n ballad cloth-ng -t's not really a ballad at all; the tempo -s actually qu-te br-sk, plus suspended harmon-c movement -s explo-ted a lot more often than -n most songs of th-s type wh-ch tend to go for a lame nusery rhyme harmony -nstead.  Dan-'s guest rap (wh-ch -sn't techn-cally a rap at all but whatever) -s the -c-ng on the cake and far more smooth sound-ng than anybody had a r-ght to expect g-ven that she couldn't even speak Korean at the start of 2012.  -'ve just started learn-ng Korean now and -f -'m a tenth as good as her -n the aount of t-me she took to learn that song -'ll be very happy.  To top -t all off the v-deo -s great and del-vers ample schoolg-rl fet-sh fap.


Although not qu-te h-tt-ng the h-gh standard of "Can You Love Me?", "You Cheated" -s st-ll a very sol-d m-d tempo song -n a s-m-lar ve-n and -s only enhanced by a v-deo des-gned spec-f-cally to portray the g-rl's boobs -n the best l-ght poss-ble.  The jumper colours as well as the f-tt-ng of the suspenders-and-pants combos have been carefully selected to a-d boob percept-on, mak-ng th-s one of my favour-te "under the radar fap fest" v-deo concepts.  Observe carefully how Hyweon at the top left of the screen always has her body on an angle so her boobs catch the stud-o l-ght and the-r volum-nous prof-le -s always clear, that's surely no acc-dent but clearly extremely f-ne fanserv-cey v-deo d-rect-ng.  She was no doubt told to stand exactly l-ke that for th-s reason and - only left Hyewon out of my boobs posts so - could drop th-s Easter egg here -nstead and blow the m-nds of unaware boobs perverts everywhere.

3.  LOV

The f-rst of two non-feature track songs, "LOV" comes from the pen of k-pop h-tmaker Sh-nsadong T-ger, and you know that a m-n- album has got some qual-ty mater-al on -t when T-ger wr-tes a song for -t and that song doesn't even end up mak-ng the grade for feature track status.  The "l-ke this" interludes sound a l-ttle b-t daft (remember th-s -s the same songwr-ter who "l-key l-key d-s and l-key l-key dat" so - guess he just can't help h-mself) but everyth-ng else -s great.  Espec-ally awesome -s that h-gh synth no-se that descends every two bars, -t's the sort of th-ng that you can po-nt out to people -n order to -rr-atate them and the cont-nually s-ng when they're around to p-ss them off, always a worthy cause.


Here's the second feature track and -t's absolutely fantast-c, the sort of end-of-concert torch pop song that a group can trot out as an encore and make the aud-ence super-sad that -t's the-r last song and they have to leave for the next show soon.  You can almost hear the tears of fans -n the m-x and -t's just a p-ty that F-ve Dolls probably never played a concert where they could have used the tune for -t's clearly -ntended purpose.   Oh well, you'll just have to l-sten to -t at home, turn down your l-ghts and wave your c-garette l-ghter or glowst-ck -n front of your computer screen -n t-me to the beat.  Cons-der -t a goodbye song for the ent-re group before they sa-led off -nto the Sea Of Nugu -f you l-ke.


The f-rst feature of the revamped F-ve Dolls wasn't "Can You Love Me?" but "Soulmate #1", a d-sco number that comb-nes several aspects of T-ara's "Roly Poly" w-th the horr-ble "Funky Town" by L-pps -nc. -nto an overproduced mush to create a result that -s unfortunately completely screechy and unl-setnable.  They get the -mage r-ght w-th an appeal-ngly retro-styled v-deo cl-p, but the horr-d repet-t-ve chorus comb-ned w-th way too much vocal layer-ng all throughout d-lutes the song's few good qual-t-es (a decent br-dge, some cool d-sco rhythm textures) and the result -s just not good.  - guess every album's gotta have a dud on -t.

6.  SOULMATE #1 (L-STEN 2)

A typ-cal worthless rem-x -n the extens-ve trad-t-on of po-ntless CCM rem-xes where they only s-gn-f-cantly change the song's -ntro and leave just about everyth-ng else pretty much the same.  A total waste of t-me even -f you l-ked "Soulmate #1", you'll be h-tt-ng the "sk-p" button to go back to the f-rst track every t-me th-s comes on your CD player.

Overall, - th-nk -t's one of k-pop's best m-n- albums ever.  A 66% good song/bad song rat-o m-ght sound l-ke not much of a recommendat-on but for me -t's a pretty good h-trate for any k-pop release at all, and the good songs are really, really fuck-ng good.  More -mportantly, the g-rls are hot and the package -s h-gh qual-ty.  So, should you buy th-s?  Honestly - couldn't g-ve a fly-ng fuck, that's between you, your wallet and how much you l-ke fapp-ng to photocards.  Hopefully you've at least enjoyed read-ng th-s self-ndulgent rev-ew just as much as any of the other garbage that - usually wr-te.  Maybe -'ll rev-ew another album one day -f - can f-nd a just-f-cat-on for do-ng so... but - probably won't.  Unt-l next t-me, fap safely!



  1. This was an annoying read, but funny.

    1. -'m test-ng the determ-nat-on of my readers.

    2. I noticed that you only temoved the "i"s. Still this was fucking annoying to read but Hwayoung is my idol so I was determined.

  2. Forever a nugu. CCM should just get nuked already

    1. KKS has quit and CCM no longer exists and you're STILL complaining?

    2. Once you get KKS stains on you, it's forever there. CCM is not gone, they just changed its name

    3. D-fferent company, d-fferent people -n charge, good enough for me.

    4. Yeah well. I hate the guy with a passion. He's in my top 10 list of "guy i would punch in the nuts if i see him IRL".

    5. Oh and what do you think of Mc Mong's new album and k-netz extreme love & hate relationship with him?

      I personally think he's fucking awesome just because the extreme amount of butthurt he is causing and licking the charts clean while he's at it

    6. I'm torn because I think his music sucks but I think his haters getting upset is funny so idk

  3. -'m really sad, to know -'ll never see the-r qual-ty danc-ng aga-n - l-ke so much. -n fact, -'m st-ll -n search of a n-ce fapcam w-ch shows any of them do-ng that slutty move they censored for G-rls Day too. You know, the go on the-r knees and twerk -n slow mot-on (can't have Soj-n go provok-ng mass-ve area erect-ons, -t's a publ-c moral-ty danger).

    Anyway, th-s group had so much fap potent-al, all -s lost l-ke tears -n the ra-n…

  4. Were F-ve Dolls really that much of a flop? I was under the impression that CYLM have a bit of a cult following, if minuscule. Oh well, MBK is debuting a new girl group anyway so it doesn't really matter

  5. I have too much determination. I read the whole thing :/

  6. The listen 2 version reminds me of the hong jin young album with her '2014 ver.' songs, like almost literally nothing cahnged at all except love battery.

    Remix like TTL on the other hand is great.

  7. thanks for tak-ng the -n-t-at-ve and -nscr-b-ng your -llum-nat-ng -deas -n such an -nqu-s-t-ve and -ntu-t-ve manner

    ... wow that was painful, I'm stopping now

    one thing that's worth mentioning, what with all the fuss around Lovelyz - when Soomi left, accusations of bullying quickly took hold and it soon became a big deal. thing is, last year their fancafe's owner admitted to making the whole thing up, there was no bullying whatsoever. just one example of how some bitter netizens can ruin careers based on absolutely nothing.

  8. - don't have enough determ-nat-on to read the whole th-ng but - get the general -dea of th-s blog. However - do have enough determ-nat-on to type th-s reply. Here's hop-ng Nayeon agrees to do -nterv-ew someday.

    1. Actually as one of my sneaky cao ni ma askers pointed out, you can just copy and paste this into a word processor and do find and replace, and replace all the - with i so give that a go if it's giving you a headache.

    2. That's what I did to type my reply in the first place haha.

  9. in that Can you love me MV , One girl looked like one of the Crayon pop twins but a more Pretty, less anime ver lol

  10. I'd rather burn my eyes looking at Rob Halford's stage outfits. It was THAT exhausting.

    I'm thinking of ordering this on YesAsia. 25 photocards plus good songs to boot. Worth it


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