Friday, November 28, 2014

Hot sexy man-meat - locating the hottest guys in k-pop!

I've often been accused of being very gender-biased in my blogging, and that as a heterosexual male I haven't been doing a lot of catering to those who would like to see some hot sexy men being reduced to objects for the voyeuristic pleasure of readers.


Since I'm obviously guilty as charged, let's rectify the situation immediately with a hunky k-pop guy post for all you heterosexual women and gay men out there!

When writing a post like this, I run into an immediate problem, and it's a problem that has stopped me writing about this kind of topic many times in the past - as a heterosexual male, I can't "see" sexiness in other guys, and therefore I have no idea what their sexiness looks like.  I have no doubt that they have it, I just can't detect it reliably without help.  I know for instance, that Johnny Depp and David Bowie are considered more or less universally attractive amongst women, but I only know this because heterosexual women tell me this all the time, so it seems to be true (and don't argue with women about this stuff if you know what's good for you).  I also know that Steve Buscemi is generally not considered to be attractive because he has buggy eyes or something, but I only know this because women also tell me this too, I wasn't able to detect his ugliness without their help.  However, I don't understand the qualities that makes one attractive and the other not - why are buggy eyes unattractive?  How buggy do they have to be?  If Johnny Depp had buggy eyes would he also be as ugly as Steve Buscemi?  If not, why not?  If Steve's eyes suddenly "got prettier" like Minzy's nose, would he then be considered attractive?  If not, why not?  What qualities offset what other qualities by how much?  What's the perfect combination of qualities that makes a man attractive, or ugly?  These questions and dozens of others like them, I can't answer.  People often insist that my inability to determine this stuff is just wilfull ignorance or homophobia but really it isn't or I wouldn't be making this post.  It's not that I don't want to answer these questions, or that I'm afraid of answering them, it's just that the part of my brain that can answer them doesn't exist.

However, what I do have at my disposal is experience talking to a lot of female friends and partners over the years who all have strong opinions about what they like to see in guys, plus I know quite a lot of gay guys too (what can I say, I work in the music business) and I also frequently get their opinions on the art of guy selection.  Through conversations with these people of discernment and taste I've managed to distill the information that they've presented to me down to some key points which I believe we can use to locate the ideal k-pop guys.


Confidence.  This is a big one for all people, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.  Taste in appearances vary wildly, but all straight women and gay guys tell me that "confidence is sexy", this seems to be a universal truth and I can't find a single man-seeker anywhere who says that they would prefer a man who isn't confident in himself.  If confidence is therefore sexy, I think we can safely say that JYP is a very sexy man.


Look at those pants.  I know you've probably all seen this image before, but really look at them this time (you know you want to).  How much confidence would you need to be able to wear those pants and strike a pose like that... and pull a facial expression like that while doing it?  And then have that image be distributed all around the mediasphere - with your blessing?  More confidence than 99% of you reading this, I'll bet.

If that's not enough confidence for you, did you also know that JYP did a whole Disney-esque movie about The Wonder Girls breaking into America?

I only just found out about this shit today.  As if any of this was ever going to fly in the States... but JYP is completely oblivious, he's putting in his best effort anyway, acting his heart out and giving the girls the benefit of his worldly wisdom with important life instructions:


Imagine the shame of telling your friends that you were even in some shit cheesy movie like this at all even as an extra let alone "I made my own Disney-ish movie about some girl-pop group and I also star in it".  You need some balls-out confidence for this shit, and JYP has it.


People who are into men want their men to be men... otherwise, they'd be into women instead, right?  And nothing says "I'm a man" more than flipping your sports car after going out on a hot date with a Japanese model, having some "classy sexy" fun, jizzing on her tits and then throwing her a towel.


Girls prefer to clean themselves off after sex - they don't want you to do it, it's enough that you got them all dirty in the first place, they can sort the rest out thank you very much.  Seungri knows this and is willing to provide you with the right equipment to get the job done but you're not getting any more help than that, because he's a forward-thinking masculine guy for the new millenium who isn't afraid to take charge of things (like where his cum lands) but also wants you to be independent, empowered and in control (of the toweling-down).  No "oh I'm so helpless, please help me get this spunk off" for you - this is 21st century choke-sex for the new generation of empowered spunk-catchers.  Seungri is a man's man.


Sure, masculinity is important BUT... that doesn't mean that male-seekers don't also want some sweet, tender lovin' in between all the jizz-wiping.  I never had a relationship with anybody who didn't like cuddles and being cozy on the couch every once in a while.  I know a girl who started dating a guy when he was a bit overweight and had a beer gut and actually got a bit sad when he started losing the extra pounds and getting all buff.  "He's not as cuddly now, I don't like it as much!" she said.  So who's the coziest, most tender, most cuddly man in kpop?


As the sole representative for "cuddly" in idol pop, Super Junior's Shindong has all the bases covered.  Not only does he have the right physique for the task, he's also in touch with his emotions:


Shindong doesn't care about your society's taboos, if he's gotta cry he's gonna cry and you'll just have to deal with it.  This is the kind of manliness that people want these days - the man who is so secure of his own manliness that he doesn't have anything to prove to anybody.  No fake image here, just direct emotion straight to your soul.  Can you handle the raw emotional power of the 'dong?


Strange as it may seem, being gainfully employed and financially stable makes men sexier.  It's not just simple money-siphoning greed on the part of their would-be partners, it's more the fact that a man is sexier when he's on a mission and has a purpose in life, and gradually wasting away his months and years climbing at seismically slow speeds out of acres of debt is a purpose.  Of course, the more money there is to go around, the better, because anyone with rational self-interest at the forefront of their mind would naturally ask themselves "why live like a pauper when you can live like a princess".  So which man has got the financial security to make potential partners happy?


SM Entertainment's ex-CEO Lee Soo Man has your financial needs covered.  If you're worried about your future fret not because he'll look after you, even if it means you have to sign something that looks a bit fishy.  Sure, you might be signing your life away, but if you're going to sign a slave contract it might as well be with the big guns rather than some nugu agency who can't do anything for you anyway.

Don't think he's all work and no play, though.  He still knows how to have a good time with the boys:


You're assured a good night out on the town with Lee Soo Man, he'll pay for all your drinks and party with you until the early morning.... for the next 13 years, exclusively with him.  Or else.


It doesn't matter how much butt-fucking and sperm-catching you're going to be doing with your man, you're still probably going to be spending more time talking to him than doing anything else, so it's important that he can cut the mustard in the important area of intelligent conversation.  So who do we know for sure has got the smarts to cut it in any conversation?  Yang Hyun Suk, CEO of YG Entertainment, that's who.


Think about all the shitty songs his label has been putting out lately, that people just lap up like a dog laps up another dog's piss.  This guy actually put out trash like Akdong Musician and WINNER and managed to get people to buy it and think it was the latest and greatest thing ever.  Clearly he's a fucking genius beyond compare.


You'll have some amazing candlelit dinner conversations with this guy over a bottle of red and a perfectly-cooked steak.  "Tell me again how you managed to get people to like literally any old garbage as long as it has your label's logo on it", you'll say, and he'll tell you all his secrets... or maybe just a few, to get you hooked, and draw you in closer to the spider's web...


We all know this is important stuff.  Humour is apparently the number one most desirable trait a man can have when it comes to meeting women, and that's because everybody likes to laugh.  That's why if you like to laugh, you've probably been following the activities of this man closely:


The adorable prankster of k-pop, Core Contents Media CEO Kim Kwang Soo has been laughing it up for years at the expense of everybody.  Imagine having him as your partner!  It would be a chuckle a second!

"Hey, let's tell everyone that we're going to put a 12 year old in T-ara!  The reactions from everybody will be hilarious!" he tells you, while gently stroking your hair.

"But you're not really going to, are you?" you reply, in between sloberring on his throbbing knob and tickling his asshole.

"Don't be silly - of course not.  I'll just tease it a bit here and there until they figure me out, it'll probably take them a few years.  But imagine the comments!" - you both start laughing so hard that snot starts coming out of your nose.  You wipe it on his dick as lubricant and get back to work.


This man caused so much hilarious butthurt that CCM doesn't even exist anymore and he hasn't been in charge for a very long time now (he quietly stepped down over a year ago!) and people are still whining like little babies about everything he does, as if they know anything at all about what he's even doing or even what's actually involved in being a CEO of a label.  But one thing's for sure - he's funny as fuck, and that shit gets people hot and hornier than anything else.  You are turned on right now.

So that wraps up my list of k-pop's hottest guys!  I hope this has pleased those of you who are into hot sexy men and that you are able to now reduce these multi-faceted hot guys with hopes, dreams and aspirations into mere objects for your sexual pleasure so you can fap smoothly and safely!  If your fave isn't here, maybe you can suggest some other hot k-pop guys below in the comments - but it'll be tough to beat this lot!  Bye for now!



  1. I actually started working on this post before I saw Krakenoid's - I think they go nicely together!

    1. The timing was just perfect, my choices of males meet these standards

  2. Replies
    1. i guess he didn't make it in your list..

    2. I shouldve expected that he would put shindong in this shit, my boner is scarred for life

    3. A scar will make your boner sexier. Scars are manly.

    4. Some scarring can make your dick shrink actually.

    5. It'll still be a manly shrunken penis.

  3. I laughed reading this, is this really what woman and gay men look for cause shit I feel bad and here I was thinking everyone was the same, long as he/she has a pretty face and a banging body then were in business.

    1. That's my view. Brains are overrated. Give me some bunny ears and some rocking abs any day.

      Except for Shindong. I'll accept Shindong with bunny ears but minus abs.

  4. I Don't understand why Johnny depp is THAt famous TBH

    1. well obviously he's famous enough to be pictured with T-ara

    2. Yeah, because that is any kind of indication of fame nowadays.

    3. It must be all those films he was in. Maybe the next T-ara horror film will have a Johnny Depp cameo.

    4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. When did Johnny Depp meet T-ara? He's ruining their pictures.

    1. As it says in the bottom pic, he's hoping that he can learn a trick or two from the masters of pissing off fangirls.

  6. Height is also an important factor, so the taller idols like Chanyeol, Taecyeon, Seulong and Changmin have something going for them as well.

  7. Replies
    1. Another one who didn't make it in your list :))))))

    2. I try and make these lists as long as I can but there's only so many hours in a day. Damn.

    3. I've succeeded in dogging that JYP pic for 3 months now, and you've ruined it! I have to cleanse my eyes thoroughly again....

  8. I was scrolling past the pictures to see if you were going to comment on why this came out at the same time as the other no-homo homo article and for a second there I thought I saw John Travolta, but it was actually Yang Hyun-suk.

    1. It's true that they're looking similar these days!

  9. The hottest guy in k-pop for me is Onew.

  10. This is straight up the best Kpop article ever written. Bless your soul Kpopalypse 😭
    - from a long, long, long time lurker

    1. Thanks! I'm glad someone out there appreciateed the lengths I've gone to to provide male fap material.