Saturday, December 13, 2014

Kpopalypse and AKF's Red Light Mission - Part Three

It's Kpopalypse here with the return of Red Light Mission!  This is the third and definitely the final chapter of the collaborative AKF/Kpopalypse fanfic!  As AKF is busier than ever we're wrapping this series up, and as usual both of us have contributed to the story.  It's up to you to guess who did what.  Enjoy!


NOTE: for those of you coming to this series late, read the first two parts before you get started here or this third part will make no fucking sense at all!  Click here for part 1 and click here for part 2.

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Lee Soo Man chuckled maniacally while waving his gun in the air. Kpopalypse and AKF looked at each other, they knew it was only a matter of time before he started shooting again. They seized the opportunity and ran out of the building before Lee Soo Man realised what was happening.

“What now?” asked Kpopalypse, as they sprinted out of the building foyer and across the street.

“I don't know. Let's get back to the f(x) girls, maybe they have some ideas.”

Having been given the key to f(x)'s dorms and instructions to report back once the stylist was dead, the two sprinted over to f(x)'s dorm building and let themselves inside the rear entrance. It was dark inside as AKF fumbled for a light switch. All of a sudden automatic motion-sensing lights turned on, revealing the members of f(x) sleeping in two separate double bunk beds. 

“Oh shit!” cried Krystal from one of the top bunks as she sat up and put her hand over her eyes to block the light.

“It's too bright! We're trying to fucking sleep here!” complained Victoria, ducking her head under the covers of the bunk below.

“CAO NI MA!” yelled Sulli, thrusting her head deep into the pillow. Luna lay beside her in the same bed, sleeping soundly. 

“Hey, we're sorry, didn't mean to wake you. But we're here to report on our mission.” said Kpopalypse.

“Yeah... there's good news and there's bad news.” added AKF.

“Well, you're here now, let's hear it” said Amber, sitting up slowly, the only member of the group not either asleep or avoiding the light.

AKF sighed. “We completed our mission, the stylist is dead. However, there's just one small problem.”

“Oh, what's that?” asked Amber.

AKF continued. “That stylist was writing all your best material. Because she's now dead, Lee Soo Man is going to use Brave Brothers for all your songwriting needs from now on.” 

Instantly, Krystal, Sulli and Victoria all looked up from their bunks and stared at AKF and Kpopalypse with daggers in their eyes.

Kpopalypse whispered to AKF “I think our chances of getting laid just went out the window.”

AKF grimaced. “Well, there goes my reason to live. If I don't get to bang Victoria I might as well just give up on life.”

“Me too. Knowing that I got to jizz on Sulli and throw her a towel would be the only way I could ever go back to crappy Australia with Tony Abbott in charge and survive without killing myself.”

After a pause, Krystal sat up in the bunk. “I've figured it out... I know what this is.”

“What is it?” asked Sulli, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

“A fucking set-up. It was my cuntfaced sister who gave me the idea to hit our stylist.”

“You mean Jessicunt?” asked Sulli.

Krystal nodded. “Yeah, Jessica Jawshave. Fuck, how could I be so stupid and not have seen it until now. She's always been scheming to keep SNSD as the #1 girl group and to keep us down.”

“We should really kill not just her but all of those SNSD sluts. I hate them even more than I hate Luna.” Sulli poked Luna in the back with her elbow deliberately as she said this. Luna did not stir.  “Look at this fucking disgusting whore, sleeps like a fucking log. I swear I'll piss on her head if she doesn't wake up soon.”

Victoria groaned “please don't do that again - last time that stunk out the whole dorm.”

“I just want fucking revenge on Jessicunt. That mole-patrol, I want to squeeze her throat myself, and hear her gasp 'Gee gee gee, oh oh oh' or however that stupid song goes.”

“We can't do that, Sulli. We're celebs, we can't get blood on our hands.” said Victoria.

“Well then, it's good that we've got two people in this room who owe us a great huge fucking debt, isn't it!” Sulli turned and glared at AKF and Kpopalypse.

Kpopalypse and AKF looked at each other. Was it worth it? Was it worth putting themselves in potential danger one more time, to right the wrongs of SM Entertainment? They then both looked at Sulli and Victoria, in bed, in their nightclothes. Yes it was.

"Excuse us for a moment," said AKF as he motioned for Kpopalypse to follow him out into the hallway. "We need to discuss our options in private before we get back to you girls."

"Man, what the fuck is there to even talk about?!" asked Kpopalypse in an alarmed manner. He wasn't going to allow AKF to ruin his one and only opportunity to pee in Sulli's butt. 

AKF motioned for Kpopalypse to follow him out to the hallway again before Kpopalypse ruined his plan. Kpopalypse reluctantly followed AKF, but figured he had a good reason if AKF wasn't using this opportunity to try and bang Victoria.

Once outside the hallway with the door closed, AKF looked at Kpopalypse in the eyes. "I have an awesome idea, and I think that you'll be on board."

"Well, it better be fucking sweet because I could be jizzing on Sulli's face right now," sighed Kpopalypse.

"Yes, it is pretty fucking awesome, so keep your raging boner intact," responded AKF. "Okay, so my plan is to agree with f(x) to help them out. We will still bargain to bang them."

"So why the fuck are we even discussing this?!" asked Kpopalypse.

"UCAAD, stop thinking with your penis for one second and just think. We can act as double agents. That means you'll get to bang Sunny and I'll get to bang Jessica. Then we betray them and come back and you can bang Sulli and I can bang Victoria. It's a win/win situation right there," answered AKF.

"But we will need an excuse once we go back in as to why we even deliberated this decision," said Kpopalypse.

"Well, I can ask Victoria to use her Chinese black magic to restore my penis," said AKF.

"And I just know what exactly I need for the upcoming mission," stated Kpopalypse as both of them re-entered the room.

“Well, are you guys in?” asked Amber.

“Yes we'll do it.... under one condition.” said Kpopalypse.

“We get to bang Victoria and Sulli”, added AKF.

“No way! You guys are the ones who owe us!” exclaimed Victoria, horrified.

“This isn't fair! I'm not letting that creepy skinhead-looking guy touch me with his knob!” cried Sulli.

“Well, then...” said AKF “... if that's the way it is, I guess we'll just be seeing ourselves out...”

“NO!” exclaimed Victoria and Sulli together.

Sulli grimaced. “This is blackmail, you dirty cao ni mas! Why can't you just take Luna instead? Shell do it for sure.” Sulli looked down at Luna, still sleeping. “She's such a dirty whore you could probably double-penetrate her right now without even waking her up.”

Kpopalypse shrugged. “Sorry, we're not really into Luna.”

AKF stood firm. “Take it or leave it, we're putting our lives on the line here. I think that's worth a blowjob at least.”

Victoria sighed, and looked at Amber. 

“These guys are going to lay down their lives for you. You'll only have to do it once. Plus, you'll be rid of Jessica's scheming forever after that. The offer's really not that bad.” said Amber.

Another sigh from Sulli. “Well... alright then. Just be gentle, okay?”

“Don't worry, I brought the lube.” Kpopalypse took a bottle of lube out of his pocket and showed it to AKF. “This is what I was talking about earlier.” 



AKF looked at the lube bottle. “Where did you get that?”

“Oh some Blackjack gave it to me at the airport.” Kpopalypse pulled down his pants, popped the top of the lube bottle and applied the clear substance liberally to his genitals, then immediately fell to the floor and started screaming.

“What the fuck is this shit, Kpopalypse?” AKF yelled.

“It's supposed to be lubricant! That's what she said!” cried Kpopalypse in between gasps of pain as the gelatinous liquid burned his nether-regions.

“You trusted a Blackjack? You idiot!”

“I guess this lubricant is... bad meaning bad...” were Kpopalypse's last words as black smoke poured from between his legs and the corrosion spread to the rest of his body, burning it to a crisp. AKF and all the members of f(x), including Luna who just woke up from all the screaming, looked on helpless to intervene as Kpopalypse's body quickly transformed into a pile of smouldering ashes.

“Phew... that gets me off the hook!” smiled Sulli.

“Never mind sex for now, I'll take care of that later. Right now I'm really ready to murder someone!” growled AKF.

“Great! Take this!” Amber walked over to AKF and handed him a map and a telephone.

Victoria looked deep into AKF's eyes. “All the members of SNSD are having a fan meet at the auditorium right now, the same one we were in. They'll be done in about two hours, at which point they'll exit through the rear staircase, from there it's about a 30 second walk to get to their waiting vehicle. There's a book depository behind the auditorium, the map will show you where to go, if you go up to the third floor, we've left a rifle and some ammunition for you. It's got the perfect angle on the staircase, the girls will be easy pickings.”

“Aim Jessicunt first.” added Sulli.

Suddenly, triggered by Kpopalypse's charred corpse, the building fire alarm started screeching, and water from the automated fire sprinklers shot through the room.

“What the hell is even going on?” screamed Luna.

“You're a cunt, that's what's going on. Shut up, slut.” replied Sulli.

Krystal covered herself from the water with her pillow. “Fuck! Get out of here before the staff come! Good luck!”. AKF nodded.

“We'll be in touch! Keep the phone handy!” yelled Victoria after AKF as he hastily retreated from the building, into the night. 

-

AKF walked towards the auditorium, then unfolded the map and inspected it.



“Seems clear enough.” he thought. He walked around the rear of the auditorium and across the street to the large book depository. “Who uses book depositories anymore, surely it's all iPhones and e-readers by now... speaking of which, I should probably check that phone I was given.” AKF took the phone out and examined it. One new message:



Feeling confident, AKF strolled into the book depository. The receptionist gave him a sky nod as he walked across the foyer to the lifts, took the elevator to the third floor, then found the tiny room at the end of the hall. He looked out – the view across the street to the rear of the auditorium was indeed excellent, it would be almost impossible to miss with his finely-honed aiming skills. But where was the gun? He checked his phone, which gave further instructions, and replied accordingly.



By 11:59 PM AKF was positioned by the window, sniper rifle in hand fully loaded with high-caliber ammunition, eyes trained through the scope onto the stairwell across the street. He didn't have to wait long. Just after midnight, the backstage exit door opened, and the members of Girls' Generation started leaving the building in single file. The girls were clearly tired and walking slowly, they would be easy marks for AKF's superior American gun-handling skills. 

AKF lined up Jessica's head in his sights and squeezed the trigger. The gun loudly recoiled as the bullet sailed across the street and met its mark – a perfect headshot. Jessica collapsed to the ground. Lots of screaming from the girls, all their voices clearly audible due to the lack of traffic at the rear of the building.

“Aaaaaahhhhh! What was that?” screamed Taeyeon. 0.25 seconds later a fan viewing the incident from the auditorium's CCTV system posted on OneHallyu's vocal thread that she screamed at an E5 with exceptional resonance.

“Ducking for cover is my best friend, is ducking for cover your best friend?” yelled a panicked Tiffany.

“I should have put more points into agility last time I levelled”, remarked Hyoyeon.

The remaining girls all ducked down, meanwhile, Jessica got up. “Ow! That really hurt!” she said, dislodging the bullet calmly from her jaw with her index fingernail, her face undamaged.  She looked down at her dress.  "Damn it's a bit torn... we get such crappy things to wear, I've really got to get that fashion label up and running soon..."

“I can't believe it...” AKF said to himself. He quickly lined up for another shot, this time on Hyoyeon. “I'll do the world a favour and kill this ugzilla”, he muttered, lining up his sights. AKF squeezed the trigger and the bullet few across the street, hitting Hyoyeon right between the eyes... and falling harmlessly to the ground. Hyoyeon stared down at the bullet on the concrete. What was going on?  Was Hyoyeon's tough orcish hide so thick that the bullet would not penetrate?  But how does that explain Jessica?  AKF checked his phone – new messages.



Detecting the light of the phone through the window, Hyoyeon stared up and pointed. “There! It's a sniper!”

“Fuck, I've been spotted! They'll kill me! Time to end it all!” AKF quickly dumped the now obviously useless rifle, grabbed the C4 from underneath the couch cushions and ran out of the building, and across the street. Seeing the girls scrambling to enter their waiting vehicle and drive off, he ran towards him, ready to detonate.

Just then a blinding flash of white light appeared. It was Kpopalypse! AKF was stopped in his tracks by an unseen force.

“With my newfound heavenly widsom, I instruct you that this is not the way” Kpopalypse gently intoned.

AKF looked up at the floating figure of Kpopalypse, confused. “Wait, they let you into heaven? YOU?”

“My religion came through for me. I've been busy getting blowjobs from Raina ever since I died, it's great! But I can't let you kill SNSD, as this would mean destroying Sunny who has some of the nicest boobs in k-pop and destroying nice boobs is against “Worship Raina You Fucking Whores”, the book of Rainaism.”

AKF noticed SNSD had now all entered their vehicle and were speeding off into the distance. “That's easy for you to say – you're getting blowjobs from your bias, I'm not. Out of my way.”

“There is another way” Kpopalypse continued. “Across the street from the book depository is Brave Brothers' new studio. They're busy right now writing f(x)'s new comeback song. If you destroy that, it won't matter whether SNSD live or die.”

“Okay... good point” said AKF. Kpopalypse vanished into thin air as quickly as he appeared. AKF charged in the opposite direction, through to the building on the other side of the street and entered it. He ran through the foyer directly into the studio control room. There was a man sitting in front of a microphone talking in time to a beat.

“Yes! It's f(x)... and Brave Sound... with SM Entertainment! Another collaboration! Oh yeah! Let's go girls!” he pronounced in an accent with record-label approved levels of k-pop swag-lite. He was clearly recording overdubs on the new f(x) material. “Time to stop this forever” thought AKF.

“Collaborate this, you talentless hack!” AKF said as he threw the C4 into the studio control room and pressed the detonator. The entire ground floor exploded and then the upper stories collapsed, burying AKF, Bravesound and everyone else inside in a pile of rubble.

-

The members of f(x) stared into the quarry yard, at the monument sitting on a barren hill.

“So... what do you think of it? Good?” the yard owner said.

Amber nodded in agreement. “Ever since Bravesound was destroyed, our careers have just gone through the roof. Meanwhile SNSD has really plumetted, serves them right for messing with us like that. We owe AKF and Kpopalypse a lot for bravely sacrificing their lives and getting our careers back on track.”

“It's definitely a touching tribute, that's for sure. I can't wait until next week when we install it in the heart of Gangnam in their honour.” added Victoria.

Krystal nodded. “I think it really captures what I most remember them for.”

“I cried when I heard that they both died” sighed Luna.

“You're such a liar” muttered Sulli. “You barely knew them.”

“I was still touched, though. I was sad.” Luna retorted.

“No you weren't. Lying little cunt. Maybe sad your pussy lips didn't get around their cocks. Why can't you just accept that Kpopalypse biased ME, not YOU?”

“Fucking shut up, mole patrol. Haven't your ten favourite drug-addicted rappers jizzed enough on your head lately? Is your coat losing its sheen?”

Sulli grabbed at Luna's hair and pulled it downward, dragging Luna's face into the dirt. Amber sighed. “Come on, you two, break it up. We've got a fake idol image of perfect happiness to maintain. Pull yourselves together.”

“Shut up, Adrian” said Sulli, while tugging at Luna's bobbed hair by the roots.


THE END

Thanks for reading!

14 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. https://kpopalypse.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/rlmluna.jpg

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  2. I love how kpop groups are prepared at all times, like a real American, to snipe each other and have set up weapon silos across the country.

    Heroes like you, giving your life to cleanse this world from Brave Sound, will never be forgotten. F.I.P. (Fuck In Peace)

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  3. i would have liked some sulli gifs

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  4. Kpopalypse, what religion are you again? Since I might convert.

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    1. Sullism? Sullentology? Whatever it's called, I also want to join. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only person in the world who still likes Choi Jin-Ri (aka Sulli).

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    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    3. http://kpopalypse.wordpress.com/2014/03/09/rainaism-join-the-new-religion-of-k-pop/

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  5. top secret footage of the assassination attempt

    http://youtu.be/P99qJGrPNLs?t=11s

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    Replies
    1. Yep that's pretty much how it went down

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  6. "0.25 seconds later a fan viewing the incident from the auditorium's CCTV system posted on OneHallyu's vocal thread that she screamed at an E5 with exceptional resonance."
    I was laughing at this

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  7. genius writing. the e5 comment killed me and the texts from victoria were the best

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  8. Literally so many things in this made me lol, especially the vocal thread, hyogre and Jessica Jawshave

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  9. This article was offense to everyone including 34 minorities and not fit for public consumption. Keep it up.

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