Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Kpopalypse's 2014 round-up of dick-sucking Christmas songs

Yes Kpopalypse is back with your yearly Christmas present - reviews of all the shitty Christmas songs that everybody hates!  I posted a Christmas song round-up last year and quite sensibly nobody gave a shit, so like I always do when I sense that people would rather I didn't do something, I return to do it again on a regular basis!   Grab a nice cup of your favourite Christmas beverage and gather around while I take a Christmas-pudding-sized shit on all of 2014's worthless money-draining sentimental dick-sucking Christmas trash!
 
xmas20141

Songs are listed in chronological order.  No need for ratings because they all suck and you shouldn't listen to any of them.  Play the videos at your own risk.  This list is probably not complete but who gives a shit.  If I missed out any videos, good.  Anyway here we go:

October 19th - Seo Taiji - Christmalo.win



Seo Taiji thought he'd get a head start on everybody with the Christmas bullshit, I guess he needed some early Christmas cheer after writing all those artsy songs with IU about massacres.  The real human rights atrocity here though is that he's older than me and he still looks like Lee Hi's computer nerd friend who she hangs out at the net cafe with, which means he's either been having skin grafts or he stole some of Boram's eternal Gangnam youth face cream (see "White Letter", below).  Anyway I guess he really is spending too much time on the Internet while finger-fucking Lee Hi under the computer desk if he thought that making the song title read like a Windows filename was a good idea.  That's the most notable thing about this limp synthesiser-driven ska-lite nonsense, but even so this song is still better than pretty much everything else on this list.  Be warned: it mostly just gets worse from here.

December 2nd - Sung Si Kyung, Kwon Jin Ah - Don't Forget



In this video the girl tries to decorate a Christmas tree, but the star doesn't quite sit right so it falls down, and then she starts crying.  Aww.  Come on girl, cheer up, it's only a fucking paper and plastic star made of wood pulp and petrochemical byproducts that some Chinese labourer got paid 2 cents per day to make thousands of in 12-hour shifts seven days a week in some stinky factory, it's not like you can't go down to the convenience store and just get yourself another one you dumb bitch.  It's the k-pop fans who have these crappy ballads foisted upon them during the Christmas period instead of actual proper songs who should really be doing the crying.  Kwon Jin Ah (the female singer, not the actress) is really cute though, and I didn't know about her before this video, so at least this crappy song enhanced my fap folder slightly.

December 2nd - Crayon Pop, K-Much, Bob Girls & Zan Zan (Chrome Entertainment) - Love Christmas



It's nearly Christmas time and gangster bitches want to party too, so the most thugged-out label in k-pop got all their groups together for this Christmas pool video.  Why have a pool party when it's winter, though?  The reason eventually becomes clear - it's some sort of protection money collection racket, obviously being organised by head gangster Way and the guy in the ski mask at 0:15.  At the end of the video, there's some bonus footage where the Chrome Entertainment members who haven't been able to afford their redistribution fees to Way's Girls get thrown in the icy cold water and humiliated until they succumb to hypothermia, as if being in this song isn't shameful enough.  Let's hope they threw the songwriters in there too.

December 3rd - K.will, Sistar, Jungigo, Mad Clown, Boyfriend, Jooyoung (Starship Planet) - Love Is You



Seeing the gangster party going on at Chrome, Starship Entertaiment couldn't believe it - "they're that cruel even to their own members?  Imagine what they're capable of to other companies - these people are a threat!" they thought.  So Starship responded with their own Christmas video, clearly intent on sending the message "don't step on our turf".  The intimidating video features members playing with covert surveillance devices, vicious guard dogs and even gaudily-painted human skulls, and is paired with the ultimate terror - a song so hideous that playing it over a public address system would be enough of a threat to make any rival gang invading the Starship compound reconsider their assault and put down their weapons.

December 9th - Winterplay - White Winter



The Christmas songs got off to a slower start this year, and for a few blissful weeks I was thinking that maybe I didn't have enough material to justify doing this list at all.  Unfortunately I was wrong and by December 9th were were in full swing, so now you have to read this bullshit.  Who the fuck are Winterplay?  I don't even know, but they're having a dinner party and nobody cares, nor does anyone care for this crap bossanova which sounds like IU tried to record "Obliviate" over at Bumkey's house after taking her own body weight in marijuana and ecstasy.

December 10th - Kanto ft. As One - Before The Snow



This video has one of those pick-up-the-toy-with-the-wobbly-hook machines.  Back when the price of playing those machines was actually cheaper than simply going out and buying the fucking plush toys inside one at a clearance store, I used to play them quite a bit.  I amassed a collection of plush toys that I'd put inside the bass drum of the drum kit I'd use in the punk band I was in at the time.  The front skin of the drum kit was clear so everyone in the audience could see the toys.  I got called a faggot by a lot of people because of that which was great because it means they never suspected that I was messing around with their girlfriends backstage.  This video brought back good memories.  Pity the song sucks and is such typical trash that I can't even think of anything to write about it so I have to go off on a massive irrelevant tangent like this.

December 10th - Teen Top - Snow Kiss



A "snow kiss" also known as a "snowball" or "snowblowing" is when you cum in your partner's mouth during oral sex and then you kiss her afterward and while you're kissing her, she spits your own cum back into your throat.  Sometimes girls do it for revenge if you cum in their mouth without warning, but then sometimes people do it as a mutually enjoyable activity too, or sometimes just for lulz (as I found out once with an ex-girlfriend who had a sufficiently warped sense of humour).  I wonder if this subtle reference has been deliberately inserted into this song to throw Teen Top's gay male followers some fanservice.  Either way my cum didn't taste all that bad and I'd rather be snowblowed a dozen times than listen to this song again.

December 14th - KARA, Rainbow, Oh Jong Hyuk, A-Jax, DSP Girls (DSP Friends) - White Letter



"White letter" isn't a sexual innuendo though, but I think that it should be.  Perhaps a "white letter" can mean a heartfelt letter of apology that you write an ex-girlfriend because you blew in her face too much back when you had a relationship, in the hope that she'll forgive you and you might get back together one day.  If only you had aimed further south a little she might have hung onto you for a bit longer, after all boobs are a lot easier for her to clean off (especially if a towel is thoughtfully provided) and there's none of that stinging when it accidentally gets in her eye.  Mind you semen in the face is apparently great for the complexion so ladies, consider the benefits.  Anyway, someone please add "White Letter" to Urban Dictionary, the world needs to know.  Oh, and this song sucks.

December 15th - The VIBE Family - Lonely Christmas



"The VIBE Family"?  Really?  Can we quit with the potential for innuendos already?  Come on guys, you're making this way too easy for me.  I wonder what vibrators are in the Vibe Family.  Do they have G-spot-tickling rabbit ears that you can detach and replace with reindeer antlers instead to fit in with the Christmas theme?  Something for you to think about this Christmas.  In the meantime this song is such crap that the label knew it would make no money and couldn't even be bothered getting their artists in to film them, they just drew a few stupid pictures instead.  At least I didn't have to endure any k-pop people dressed in stupid red jumpers and swaying awkwardly, I should probably be grateful.

December 16th - Choeyoungtae - Merry Christmas



Christmas is for everybody, even nugus with acoustic instruments.  This is probably one of the better songs here actually just due to the lack of cheesiness, which isn't saying much but maybe it's worth a listen - maybe.  The phrase "Merry Christmas" is really the only Christmas-ish thing about it, they're not trying to rape you up the ass with tinsel and bells and shit like in every other video here, and maybe he's got Christmas decorations on his guitar but the camera is not really at the right angle for me to see them so it's okay.  Don't get too excited though (the performers here sure aren't) but the fact that this song is just kinda boring and not completely pathetic nonsense has got to be a Christmas miracle.

December 17th - Hansalchai, Hoso, Red Chair - Christmas Hug



Nugus like to wait a little before they release Christmas songs for some reason.  I'm not sure why this is the case but it's definitely a trend that I have observed.  Maybe it's like how if you're really poor you tend to put off buying your presents until the last possible minute to scoop some good deals, maybe video directors do better deals on Christmas music video rates if you make them closer to Christmas time because it means that they get to recycle their existing props over and over.  Perhaps this is a question that I'll put to Chad Future if he ever agrees to that second interview.  I like this song about as much as Chad Future's songs, by the way.  When he says that k-pop and American pop is all the same he's certainly not kidding, this song sucks just as much as any American Christmas pop song out there.

December 18th - Nalseon Melody - Winter Love



What girl sleeps with their top and their bra already on?  This never happens ever, bras are uncomfortable and the first thing girls do when they get home and they're not in polite company is they swiftly remove that shit.  They certainly don't go to sleep with their underwire jabbing into their sides, fuck that - only if they're so fucking drunk that they passed out straight away, in which case they wouldn't be in bed with the covers over them neatly.  I can see those bra straps through the clothing, I guess Santa's perky boob elves visited her in the night and somehow got that bra on there.  It must have taken a lot of determination... more than I've got to listen to this song all the way through, that's for sure.

December 18th - Roy Kim - It's Christmas Day



Hahahahaha Roy Kim you are fucking shit.  Roy Kim's overdone facial expressions while singing this, like he's "really feeling the Christmas spirit" are painful to watch.  It's just a day to waste money propping up the economy and polluting the planet by overconsuming on pointless shit, there's no need to get so emotionally overwrought about it all.  Or maybe he's not actually making an overdone facial expression but his face is stuck like that from too much plastic surgery.  Either way it makes me want to punch him in the head a few times just to reset his eyebrows back to their normal position.

Decenber 21st - Younha - Do You Want To Build A Snowman?



No.

December 23rd - Badkiz - Last Christmas



Right just before Christmas hits we get the crappy nugu covers of established western Christmas songs, all the people who didn't have the cash to make fancy videos.  This one is so awful that Badkiz' management couldn't even be bothered getting the girls into the studio, they just stuck a ghetto blaster in the corner of the room and said "sing for your supper, you bitches".  Badkiz must be feeling like the agency just gave them socks for Christmas.

December 23rd - Tell And Listen - Christmas



Here's more nugus.  There I was, lulled into a false sense of security with the low initial rate of Christmas songs but now every cunt wants to do one.  These people are obviously embarrassed enough by this shit song to not want to show their faces and plus there's once again no video budget so instead we get some stupid still life with Christmas lights and cheap CGI and other crap.  They're probably also trying to avoid the face punching.

December 23rd - IU - 12 Months 24 Days (D.ear Cover)



IU has obviously been reading Kpopalypse blog and therefore is wearing a shirt that meets required horizontal stripes standards - good work!  In a return to Christmas innuendo on this list she also sings "in your eyes, in your face" while staring at the camera, perhaps suggesting that this song is going to get used as a soundtrack to Viki from Dal Shabet's next celluloid excursion, presumably a bukkake Christmas special.  IU's trying really hard to get me to like this crappy song by appealing to my more primal instincts and I appreciate the effort but sorry, nothing could get me to like this limp R&B Christmas trash.

December 23rd - Jubora - Christmas Song



I don't know who Jubora is but she has nice boobs, however she sounds a bit like a Korean Amy Winehouse, which makes me just want to force-feed her drugs until she passes out so I don't have to listen to her wail any more.  Someone introduce her to Bom.

December 23rd - Park Jimin, Eric Nam and some other people nobody cares about - a bunch of crap



Watching people you don't know from another country sit around and sing a bunch of stupid carols on YouTube is just as boring and insipid as watching your family and friends do it in real life.  Who would've thought.

December 23rd - EXO - A Winter's Tale



SM couldn't be fucked doing a proper Christmas song for EXO this year, so they just tossed out this trashy "live" video on their channel.  I guess they were worried that if they laid down the big bucks on some ultra high-budget Christmas MV like last year, they might lose another EXO group member a week later and then they'd have to mothball it.  This live video is notable because the EXO fans actually fucking shut up for most of it, not quite sure how SM managed that, an airborne sedative distributed through the ducted airconditioning perhaps.  Of course the EXO boys have to breathe it in too, but this song's so sleepy and awful that it probably makes no difference to their performance, and besides a sedated EXO member is an EXO member who doesn't have enough energy to sign contracts with other agencies.

December 23rd - Hitchhiker - Merry Christmas!



Proof that you can put just about anything over that Hitchhiker beat, cut it up a little in a rhythmic way, and there you have a song.  Also the title has an exclamation mark on the end so we know it's edgy and cool, should appeal to YG fans who like that sort of thing.  At least it's only 20 seconds long, which makes it the best song on this list by default.

So that's the Christmas dick-sucking trash song roundup for another year!  Merry Christmas, cockheads!  Oh and if there's any songs that I missed definitely don't post about how I forgot them in the comments below because nobody cares.

xmas20142

Kpopalypse is now taking a break to do Christmas shit like eat other people's food and fap to girls in elf costumes so the next posts from me will be the best and worst lists of 2014!  Expect them fondly!

18 comments:

  1. All shit songs. I think Lonely Christmas is the only good K-Pop christmas song I've ever heard.
    At least the Crayon Pop and some other bitches video was mildly entertaining.
    Oh boy, so I guess Rainbow DOES still live. Hara looks so uncomfortable in that video.

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  2. Replies
    1. I think we found the guy in the ski mask!

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    2. OMFG, i can't stop laughing... and I haven't seen the ski mask video yet:))

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    3. It's one of the least offensive on the list.

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  3. For some reason Hitchhiker's own productions make me laugh so much, yet it still has appeal to me.

    I suppose the power of 11 is there with everyone.

    Also, I wouldn't say Yoon Hyun Sang is someone who nobody cares about (although his single success was driven by the fact that IU was featured and she basically made that song bearable to me)

    I cannot disagree with the fact that the yearly "Let's look like a family for Christmas" concept by the K-pop labels is goddamn boring, but whatever brings them the money, I suppose it pays off.

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  4. December 23 - BIGSTAR "Christmas Song"
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZH4W29t3G0Q

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  5. Jiyeon and Hitchhiker help make this list more bearable.

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  6. The first MV is a perfect demonstration of why pop songs shouldn't go past four minutes.

    Starship's effort is mildly memorable due to the Engrish title.

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  7. I really hope that little guy to Soyul's right in the still has a second career lined up.

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  8. I'm glad you didn't notice/added to your list The Barberettes because i really like this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H33ps7XIKSc !!!! Also, Merry Christmas to all of you Fishies! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<<3<3<3<3<<3<3<3<<3<3<3<3<33<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<<33<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<
    OMG I LOVE CHRISTMAS, I LOVE FEELING LIKE A SNOTTY 10YO KID IN MY 30s!!!! THANK YOU JESUS!

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  9. Judging by the low view counts on most of these videos, it seems like they are a waste of time and money.

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  10. i don't know many Kpop xmas songs off the top of my head, I really liked the Pledis one from a couple of years ago

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  11. Roy Kim probably had several Botox injections lol

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  12. T-Ara's Christmas Song from last year was by far better than all of these combined

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  13. ...but Younha's cover song is not a Christmas song.

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