Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Gain's biblical concept and suggestions for more of the same



I have been enjoying Gain's comeback and I am sure you have too. 'Paradise Lost' is a great song with a moody tone and a moody video - in which Gain looks hot as fuck. 'Apple' is a pretty damn good song with a fun, bubbly tone and a fun video - in which Gain looks hot as fuck (also Jay Park has the most obvious non-verse since any of Jihyun's verses in 4Minute songs).

It is more than just the songs sounding good, and Gain looking good though, these are all important factors -  I assure you -  but in addition to these already positive factors, Gain has come back with a balls-out pretentious concept album to appeal to prog-rock enthusiasts. The concept is based on the Genesis story in which Hawwah, the first woman created by Yahweh, experiences the first temptation which then leads to the creation of free will and mankind's fall from grace. It is a modern retelling I think, but regardless, it sounds like a Coheed and Cambria concept that was scrapped for not being wacky enough.

Anyways, this comeback made me consider the possibilities of religious texts as a basis for concept albums so I came up with these:






When's My Reward A-Coming? (Lee Soo Man)

Seeing that his company's stock was plummeting due to its inability to keep the artists on board, the CEO of SM Entertainment will take it upon himself to make most of the company's money in 2015. It will be a modern interpretation of the book of Job wherein one man has everything needed for an affluent and respected lifestyle, only for it to be cruelly taken away in a celestial bet. This leaves the man with nothing, but he does not give up his faith in $$$ and eventually he makes all his money back and everyone loves him again. Lee Soo Man describes it as 'a modern day, as yet unfinished parable' but assures us that the prophecy will be fulfilled.

Genre: Turbo-trot




Ble$$ed (Tablo)

For his next album, Tablo creates a baffling new string of YG canon that results in him being born as the Messiah and spreads $wag to the world. Dok2 and The Quiett play the $hepherd$ of $wag (not pictured above) and feature on 5 of the album's 17 tracks. GD specifically asked to play Joseph with Suhyun as Mary because he wanted to make Kiko jealous of his ability to get younger women than her. Psy, Masta Wu, and Seungri play the wise men because they were the people in nearest proximity to Tablo when he pitched this idea to Yang Hyun Suk (who plays King Herod). The concept will be made into a feature length film and is said to contain 'salvation that is almost as extreme as DJ Tukutz' beats'. As yet it has not been revealed who Mithra Jin and Tukutz will play, but it has been confirmed that the film and album will end with a hip-hop remix of 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' before Tablo boards a spaceship and goes on a journey of space exploration. The hope is that there will be significant interest for a sequal which will supposedly be titled '$alvation in $pace'.

Genre: Boom-Bap/Harsh Noise



Deadly (GOT7)

GOT7's next album will have every member doing a solo song about the respective sin that they represent before the epic finale when our grand overlord JYP cures them of all of their sins and teaches them (and us) to love again. It opens with a swagged out hip-hop song where Jackson raps poorly about his love of eating until he gets to be a fat shit (Suzy was his inspiration). Track 2 is a chilled out west-coast hip-hop song in which Bambam discusses all the prostitutes he has slept with and exactly how he likes to do it - noona fan sales go through the roof. Track 3 has JB singing a soulful ballad about how he can no longer masturbate to anything, but pictures of himself because no-one can ever be as gorgeous as him. The counterpart to this song is track 4 where Mark covets JB's beauty in a 12 minute long spoken-word piece set to music. Next comes an autotuned trap banger where Yugyeom sings about how he really wants ca$h, car$, hoe$, but is unable to get them in his current state. This has an effortless segue into a shoegaze inspired number that Youngjae was too lazy to write lyrics for so he just moans over the top of guitar sound effects. Track 7 has Jr. getting incredibly annoyed at everyone for not working on their new album. The closing track is operatic and prominently features the vocal stylings of Park Jin-Young, the world rejoices and the album goes multi-platinum in ever country except Belgium.

Genre: Undefinable, Experimental


T-ATION (T-ARA)

Core Contents Media thought that it would be a good idea to appeal to a wider market by basing T-ARA's new album on Hindu mythology, in a culturally insensitive fashion. The album retells the Hindu creation story as it starts out with Eunjung chilling on a cobra in the middle of a fucking huge sea. Then, the sound of the T-Ara beat (that one that is in basically all of their songs) emanates from an unknown point and brings peace to the seas. Then Eunjung grows a flower and as it blossoms; Hyomin, Soyeon, and Qri emerge and create a perfect world in which everyone does the Roly-Poly dance literally all day long. This sees us through to the end of time when Boram destroys the world due to everyone getting 2turnt. The album is said to have weakened Indo-Korean relations tenfold but it made CCM so much $$$ so almost no repercussions were felt.

Genre: Club music with sitars



Euphoric (Gaeko)

Gaeko dons a fedora and uses his immense intellect to disprove the existence of God and insults all religious sheeple while he is at it.

Genre: Dad-rock

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I predict all of these will drop in early 2016.

5 comments:

  1. I really want that t-ara album...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I really want that t-ara album...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I couldn-t read this article for 2 hours, I saw "Gain" in the title and I ^^\£/%&%$-§ all over the monitor...

    ReplyDelete
  4. The best part of all these is STILL my bias Gain, whom I adore for some unknown reason.
    She should expand her talents and maybe make exercise vids and makeup how-to vids and sell them.
    I'd buy them.

    ReplyDelete