Tuesday, March 17, 2015
SM Keeps Trolling Me With Red Velvet
SM admitted a new member to the awesome Red Velvet, and once again, there's an underage member in the group!
When Red Velvet first debuted, Joy was the one who caught my attention. She has the thickest body in the group, so I definitely wanted to bang her. And hard. As soon as I whipped out my onahole and a bottle of Astroglide, I was ready to go to town and fap to Joy. Right before I unzipped my pants, I heard a knock on the door.
"Man, who the fuck could it be?" I said to myself as I walked to the front door. I had made no plans that day and didn't have work, so I wanted some me time -- which is essentially more fap time.
I finally reached the door and grabbed the door knob. As I turned it, I saw a familiar face.
"Oh God damn it, I'm not watching child porn," I told Chris.
"I know that, but you're about to jack it to someone who is underage," he said as he entered my apartment as if he was invited. "You know that I can't allow that."
"Who is the underage one?" I asked, with the onahole still in left left hand.
"Joy is," replied Chris.
"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!" I yelled as I slammed the onahole to the floor.
"Well, can't I just fap to Irene, then?" I asked as I crouched down to pick up the onahole.
"I can't let you do that," Chris said. "There's still someone underage in the music video. You may just be using Irene as an excuse and you'll try to fap to Joy without me knowing."
"Well, can't I just fap to an Irene fancam when it comes out?" I asked, trying in anyway to fap to Red Velvet.
"No, Joy may still show up in Irene's fancam, and what if you busted a nut while Joy showed up?" asked Chris.
"Son of a bitch," I said as I went to my computer. I sat down in the chair and pulled up Wikipedia.
"Oh come on, she turns 18 next month. Can't you cut me some slack?" I pleaded.
"No, rules are rules," said Chris.
In the end, Chris wouldn't let me fap to Red Velvet as long as Joy was underage. While Red Velvet did come out with a remake of a boring SES song later that year when Joy was over 18, the song was so boring that my penis wouldn't get hard at all.
I didn't know anything about the new member of Red Velvet until I watched the music video. I was busy as fucking shit during my spring break, so I asked AKF to cover for me for a week. We had the 3/15 deadline for corporate tax returns and then I had so much school work to catch up on, I had no idea that Red Velvet even planned on adding a new member.
When I saw Yeri, I had my onahole and bottle of Astroglide ready. I heard the door knock again. "It better be AKF so that we can work on our project together. If it's someone else, I'm going to be pissed."
As I opened the door, I got angry as shit.
It was Chris Hansen. Again.
"JOY IS 18 YEARS OLD, ASSHOLE! LET ME FAP!"
"Sorry, Yeri is underage," said Chris. He then pulled out his phone and showed me Yeri's profile. "She was born on March 5, 1999. She just turned 16."
"FUCK! NOW I CAN'T FAP TO A RED VELVET MV OR FANCAM FOR TWO YEARS?! FUUUUUUUUCK!"
Chris started laughing at me, as if he was in some kind of secret alliance with SM Entertainment so that I couldn't fap to Red Velvet.
"What if I fapped to Yeri pretending that she was pegging me?" I asked Chris. "Technically she would be boning me, so that should be alright."
"Nope, sexual activity of any kind involving an underage girl and I'll be here to stop you," laughed Chris.
"God fucking damn it," I sighed as I dropped my onahole.
"Hey, you do know that Ga-in released two music videos last week that you can fap to instead, right" asked Chris Hansen.
And thankfully Chris Hansen saved me from having blue balls.