Thursday, April 16, 2015

Why Jessica Really Left SNSD Part One

Hey everyone, I'm finally back. My firm mainly does partnership and individual taxes, so we bust our asses with the longer than normal busy season hours starting in March, so I asked AKF to cover for me for the past month. That's probably the last we'll see of our boss until December since the UCAAD will be studying for the CPA and LSAT, along with starting work this summer.

So our firm gives everyone the day off after tax season ends, even us interns, so I spent some time relaxing while watching a lot of the music videos I missed. I finally got around to listening to SNSD's "Catch Me If You Can," and while the song is disappointing, it's kind of what we expect from SNSD. It's not terribad like "The Boys" or "I Got A Boy," but it's really bland like "Mr. Mr."

Wait, we're all just a figment of his imagination and he's busy using a fleshlight fapping to Han Ye Seul in his mom's basement while eating casseroles. Forget everything I mentioned above.

It was the spring of 2014, and the SNSD were swimming in their pool full of Yen and Won. The girls were all in their bikinis, drinking martinis and kissing each other. It was especially true of Taeyeon, who couldn't stop grabbing Jessica's ass and fondling her tits. You could see Hyoyeon in her orc form pegging Yuri, using that as her "punishment" for continually losing weight and becoming less hotter by the day.

"Taeyeon, I know you're the biggest dike in the group. but can you stop kissing my neck?" asked Jessica as she put her martini down. "You know how lazy I am. I practiced for two hours today, so I need the rest of the day off."

"But I really want to fuck you," Taeyeon said. "That little faggot I'm 'dating' from EXO has a two-inch dick when erect. When I try to give him a blowjob, it's essentially the same as licking an erect clit. I may as well lick a clit and not have to worry about the stench of ball sweat," said Taeyeon as her left hand kept groping Jessica's left tit.

Before Jessica could respond, Lee Soo Man walked towards the pool and had a smirk on his face. "Girls, we have your next title track ready."

"I hope I get more time in the center doing some lame dances," said Hyoyeon while still in her orc form.

"I hope I get to rub my tits in the MV," said Sunny.

"Title tracks are my best friend. Are title tracks--" said Tiffany before she was interrupted with a "Shut the fuck up, Tiffany," from the rest of the members.

"The title track is called 'Catch Me If You Can,'" said Lee Soo Man. "We have the demo ready for you girls to listen to."

Upon listening to the demo, the girls started rocking to the song. All of the members but one: Jessica. Jessica was trying to hide her shock as she looked at the other members. "Are they honestly content with this song? With the career trajectory we're having?"

Jessica looked up to Lee Soo Man. "Can't you give us a good song? You fucking gave f(x) one of the best albums in recent memory and you can't give us one good fucking song anymore."

"Jessica, shut up," said Seohyun. "You know how retarded our fans are. SM pays a former top producer small change for a C-level title track and our fans eat it up. It's simple economics. Media play the producer's name and our fans will support our title track if it sucks."

"Ohhh, look at little Miss I Have A Fucking College Degree And All I Do Is Fucking Read Books In My Fucking Spare Time," said Jessica as she rolled her eyes. "We're pretty fucking rich as it is, so why don't we start releasing good songs again?"

"It's not worth the trouble," said Sooyoung as she was reading some drama scripts sent to her. "Honestly, I just want to advance my acting career. I would even promote a shitty song like EXO's 'Wolf' if it meant we got enough exposure for me to get more acting opportunities."

Meanwhile, Yoona was busy getting a pedicure. "I don't give a shit either way. I'm getting paid by the shitton with all of the CFs I get. I could just fart on a track for three minutes and still sell us 100,000 copies of our album."

"Anyway, you girls need to start practicing this song now while also preparing for your Japanese concerts," Lee Soo Man said as he left.

"Man, fuck this," thought Jessica. She needed a plan to ruin Lee Soo Man and SM so that the company would be forced to giving them good songs again.


Later that night, Jessica was sitting in her room at her desk writing down many plans to plot the demise of SM. "Ugh, I can't think of anything," said Jessica in a frustrated tone as she crumpled up another piece of paper. "I can't use violence -- this isn't the Middle East."

As Jessica rolled her head back and looked at the ceiling, her phone started going off. She had received a text message from Taeyeon.

Haha, I fingered Baekhyun's asshole and he came within thirty seconds. What a faggot.
"That's it!" said Jessica as she pulled out another piece of paper and started writing down her new, full-proof plan.


The next day Jessica went to SM Entertainment's building and spotted EXO practicing. All 12 members were practicing their choreographies for their shitty songs. Jessica locked her eyes on Kris and smirked. "That little douchebag has always wanted to fuck me, and who can blame him? He's the perfect member for my perfect plan."


  1. Crying puke mixes the best of both fetishes.

    Our local buttsniffpirate would buy that Yoona track.

    The beginning is something I imagine horny wannabe-lesbian fangirls write on fansites. lol

  2. So, let's get back to the Taeyeon and Jessica banging thing.

  3. Tiffany has fewer lines in CMIYC because the other members told her to STFU. Plausible.

  4. She's going to find Kris's dick.

  5. I love Jessica and I hope she does well in all her endeavors.

    1. From what I've read she's been doing very well :)

  6. Hey its me, AKF again, under another account. Just wanted to give you a snippet of part 2:

  7. Welcome back, HYSF. It will be interesting to see she's planning for SM.

  8. This was great LOL, I hope there will be a part 2 soon

  9. Thought that Jessica looked very cute crying. Then I realized its probably bukkake and now I'm just disgusted with the world.