Saturday, May 9, 2015

The G-Dragon Delusion

And so the bomb went off, and the coming of The Five Horsemen of the K-Popalypse has been prophesied. BIGBANG will come back with something like 45 MVs, IKON stans will have to wait for another couple centuries for YG to get his shit together, and Korea's GDP will climb by several billion won. Though BIGBANG are nominally an egalitarian enterprise, their esteemed leader G-Dragon will no doubt be in the centre of the public eye with they bestow their musical gifts upon us. G-Dragon's apostles would follow him to the ends of the earth without thinking to question whether or not this is rational: being hopelessly devoted to anyone besides the one true God that is JYP is nothing short of ridiculous. What's more, I would question not only Mr. Dragon's deity status, but his very existence. Inspired by the be-suited ballbag himself; Richard Dawkins, and his book 'The God Delusion' (which I have not read but will speak as if I have done so), I will debunk the myth of Kwon Jiyong's existence, thus making you all see the light so that you may become truly intellectual.

First things first, G-Dragon's physical appearance is impossible to gauge and he seems to move fluidly between classy man about town,

anime character,

and hipster dentist.

I dispute that there is existing evidence that he is a tangible being in our world. At the very least, he is portrayed by multiple Dragon-ite zealots who have created a physical representation of what they believe in due to initial lack of supporting evidence for their silly theories. They use the trite label of 'fashionista' to justify the apparently constantly changing form of G-Dragon but the only thing fashionable about being made up of multiple people is it allows for a much larger clothing budget to trick yourself out with the most $wag threads in existence.

What's more, G-Dragon extremists (the lesser G-had if you wish) will be quick to denounce claims that Kwon Jiyong is not a positive figure whose actions should be emulated. After seeing the video (below) of cultist Haru being awestruck by the presence of "G-Dragon", I managed to get an interview with her to get to the bottom of this obsession that so many people have.


Sohyunna: Haru, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk to me.

Haru: It happened because the good lord G-Dragon willed it so.

Sohyunna: Right... Could you explain to me the roots of your belief in Kwon Jiyong?

Haru: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK HIS NAME. As a non-believer you are not one of the anointed ones. Kwon Jiyong has created us, redeemed us, and blessed us with the spirit of swag.

Sohyunna: I apologise for my insensitivity, so can we move on with the interview? When you become a parent will you preach the word of Jiyong to your children?

Haru: I intend to found the first faith school where we shall sing Crayon every morning before register and anyone who doesn't change their haircut everyday gets immediately expelled.

Sohyunna: Do you not think that your zealotry could be harmful to the development of your child?

At this point Haru refused to answer anymore of my questions, instead just dancing to 'One of a Kind' on a loop. Though I thought this was very unprofessional of Haru, I did join in for a bit so some of the fault must lie with me. I still feel that this interview adequately illustrates how delusional many of the extreme fans of G-Dragon are; willing to denounce all scientific knowledge they have accrued over the years in the name of a small Korean man.

Recently, the evangelical Dragonists have been mobilised as their lord and saviour has donned yet another new look and has brought his four apostles along with him looking equally ridiculous. The MADE teaser has acted as a Book of Mormon for this terrifying church, but it is even worse than that because rather than disputing the current canon; it simply adds more. That is what gives these extremists their strength: they are united, and they will not back down. Soon enough there will be a picture of G-Dragon in every classroom, T.O.P will be a martyr, and people will find Seungri's face on a toasted cheese sandwich. The mere thought that G-Dragon is a deity, or even real is inconceivable, and we should all worship Park Jin Young instead. Failing that, worship the booty, that's what he does.


  1. BLASPHEMY! Everyone knows that Seungri is the one true diety among BIGBANG

  2. Lol, you had me at G-had, but there's only one god in five persons! G-Dragon is the leader manifestation of the Holy Quintet.

  3. No one will find Daesung's face on a slice of toast because no one knows what a face obscured by hair looks like.