Thursday, January 7, 2016

The Kpopalypse Awards 2015

The only awards ceremony anybody cares about is back!  Twelve months has passed so it's time for the second annual Kpopalypse awards!

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Even more relevant than the MAMAs, it's time to look back on the last 12 months and find out who won accolades from Kpopalypse!

THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DIS TEAR” KOREAN NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2015


Nominees:

Yewon (Jewelry) - for discussing water temperature in an informal manner
Park Bom (2NE1) - for cutting short the customary 25-year reflection period for females in k-pop
IU - for attempting to make Korean k-pop fans rub their brain cells together enough to produce a thought
T-ara - for steadfastly refusing to release child pornography

and the winner is...

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IU

IU managed to do what was previously thought of as impossible and eclipse everybody including T-ara for sheer volume of Korean netizen tear-extraction in 2015.  Objections to IU among Korean netizens were too numerous to count and basically ranged from "she's prettier than I am" to "I secretly like her songs better than EXO" but the real tears kicked in when IU released "Chat-shire" and then "uh-oh she's making us think" was quickly added to the top of the list.  There's nothing Korean netizens are more terrified of than intelligence, and even the modest amounts of creative introspection shown on tracks like "Zeze" pushed IU's music and image far beyond netizens' elementary-school level of mental deduction (while drawing from an elementary-school book to do so, a hilariously sly insult to her haters that they all stupidly missed).  Of course this is exactly what IU wanted and she spent the next few months reflecting and returning with a more mature bank balance.



THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DAT TEAR” GLOBAL K-POP NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2015


Nominees:

iKON - for being promoted
After School - for not being promoted
Girl's Day - for wishing they weren't being promoted
IU - for promoting the use of brain cells

and the winner is...

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IU

International netizens weren't any more capable of understanding IU's satire than their Korean counterparts, and even though IU issued several sincere clarifications and apologies, the hate-train kept rolling along, largely thanks to the help of websites happy to have found themselves a new clickbait pariah.



THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKE DIS LIKE DAT YEAH” K-RAP CREDIBILITY AWARD 2015


Nominees:

Truedy - for writing lyrics so good that she uses them in every performance ever
Jimin (AOA) - for raiding Dr Dre's secret lyrics stash
CL (2NE1) - for boldly going against the grain and writing lyrics about "feeling clean"
Black Nut - for falling asleep during other people's lyrics

and the winner is...

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BLACK NUT

Black Nut knows that Korean hip-hop was a worthless trap-fest in 2015 and treats it with the contempt that it deserves.  Don't worry Black Nut, Korean hip-hop in 2015 makes everyone else fall asleep too!  He freely admits that he's only in the rap game so he can touch Hyolyn's rack, which is the type of attitude that scores big points with Kpopalypse.



THE KPOPALYPSE “SHUBIDUBI SHALALALA URIDURI YAYAYAYA” CROSS-CULTURAL K-POP SENSITIVITY AWARD 2015


Nominees:

Truedy - for raising awareness of black culture
Seventeen - for raising awareness of black culture
Jackson (GOT7) - for raising awareness of black culture
Raina (After School/Orange Caramel) - for raising awareness of black culture

and the winner is...

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TRUEDY

Reality TV competition shows in Korea always have the winner planned out long before the first show even airs, and the pre-designated winner of the second season of Unpretty Rapstar 2 won not only the competition but a far less-rigged contest - this year's Kpopalypse cross-cultural sensitivity award.  Truedy loves black culture and isn't afraid to raise awareness of cultural difference by acting as much like someone else as possible.  Never mind the haters, Kpopalypse understands you and will even let you borrow some tissues.



THE KPOPALYPSE “BO PEEP BO PEEP” AWARD FOR HIGHLIGHTING LACK OF K-POP FANGIRL CRITICAL THINKING 2015


Nominees:

Seo Jisoo (Lovelyz) – back for a second round of fabricated bullying evidence, fangirls say "but what about the victims" even though there aren't any except some that a middle-aged male fapper made up in his basement (not me btw)
IU - for stating the obvious about her image and still being misunderstood
Kim Hyun Joong (SS501) - carrying his love of interior decor into the next generation with his fans happily following along
Eli (U-Kiss) - flew his relationship under the radar of fans for five years... now tell me again about those "netizen detectives"

and the winner is...

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IU

90% of listeners interpreted her on surface-level only, while another 9% desperately over-reached everywhere to come up with fictional confirmation-bias-laden criticism, but for those who actually understood it, IU was as indirectly entertaining as Seth Putnam and showed that 99% of k-pop fans do 1% of the thinking.



THE KPOPALYPSE “C’MON C’MON MAKE IT, C’MON C’MON TAKE IT” AWARD FOR STUNNING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF K-POP GENDER RELATIONS 2015


Nominees:

Black Nut - for being classy-sexy in a rap song and causing lots of fuss
Ailee - for being classy-sexy in a pop song and causing no fuss
Clara - for being classy-sexy in real life
Siwon (Super Junior) - for promoting sexual equality

and the winner is...

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SIWON

Everyone thought he was anti-gay, but the truth should be obvious enough - after all no straight man alive dresses as well as Super Junior's Siwon.  Is he anti gay marriage?  Of course - what gay man in their right mind wouldn't be?  Siwon daringly went against fashion and represented the unheard voices of all gays who wanted to preserve their ability to play the field without the pressure of commitment.



THE KPOPALYPSE “T-ARA LOVE” AWARD FOR THE 2015 K-POP GIRL GROUP DEBUT ABLE TO GENERATE THE MOST HATE FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON OTHER THAN BEING ATTRACTIVE FEMALES THAT OTHER LESS ATTRACTIVE FEMALES ARE JEALOUS OF


Nominees:

CLC - supposedly hated for some reasons no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces
Twice - supposedly hated for some reasons no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces
Oh My Girl - supposedly hated for some reasons no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces
DIA - supposedly hated for some reasons no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

and the winner is...

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CLC

Normally k-pop girl groups catch hate because they're so pretty that dumb-dumb fangirls can't cope with their oppa-stealing power.  This makes CLC's strawman controversies even more remarkable, because even though Sorn looks like that Salvador Dali painting with the clocks come to life, she's still attractive enough to make k-pop fangirls insecure as fuck anyway.  Working with this disadvantage, CLC managed to still equal hate levels of all other new girl debuts, an impressive feat!  Congratulations CLC, Kpopalypse supports you!



THE KPOPALYPSE “BLING BLING JEWELRY CHAIN” 2015 AWARD FOR THE K-POP PERFORMER MOST WILLING TO GO THE EXTRA MILE TO PAY OFF THEIR TRAINEE DEBTS


Nominees:

Tao (EXO) - leaves EXO to make that Chinese cash, but not before taking out a hefty loan and not paying it back
E-Sens - busted and off to jail for smoking weed which I'm sure was really just for resale which is totally fine and okay
Dok2 - is "riatch, biatch" but still rides a bicycle to work to save cash
Junhyung (Beast) - borrows money off friends for transport, and keeps it... for a decade

and the winner is...

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TAO

It's not unusual for k-pop's mostly broke superstars to be a little on the money-hungry side, but EXO's ex-member Tao took things to a new level by being the first person so greedy that he actually lost a court case against SM Entertainment for allegedly unfairly scamming them out of cash.  The case is currently up for appeal at the time of writing, so who knows which way it will go, nevertheless this is a massive achievement!



THE KPOPALYPSE “IN MY EYES, EVERYTHING IS SEXY” MOST BUTTHURT-INDUCING "SEXY" VIDEO OF 2015


Nominees:

Pocket Girls - for "Bbang Bbang" - pushed-up boobies galore, too much for closeted k-pop fans
Stellar - for "Vibrato" - more extremely unsubtle innuendos than you can fit inside a red handbag
Red Velvet - for "Ice Cream Cake" - bawww-inducing lyrics about "being chased" too classy-sexy for k-pop
IU - for "Twenty-three": - IU confronting fans with their own hypocritical reflections - how does it feel?

and the winner is...

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IU

Honestly, just a formality at this point, this award couldn't have gone to anyone else.  You all know the reasons why.




William Bennett said it better than I ever could.  It makes complete sense that he's an IU fan and you can bet your ass he understands Chat-shire.  Now go out and buy Whitehouse and Cut Hands records, you weak fucks.



That's all for this post!  Let's congratulate the winners!  Kpopalypse will return with more posts soon!

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12 comments:

  1. TIL Raina did blackface. Not to be a SJW faggot but god fucking dammit Raina, I was rooting for you. WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!

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    1. You're being a SJW faggot. Raina was playing an African, would have been racist if she DIDN'T apply darkening makeup, she would have been accused of "whitewashing" the role.

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    2. There were black dancers behind her. Why couldn't they have chosen them instead? You're the faggot, faggot. Faggot. Fagoot. Faggotcha. Faggotta catch 'em all!

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    3. Nooo, he's not being a sjw faggot. Black face is a problem specifically when youre trying to be a black person (obviously.) Raina was trying to be an African character, therefore she's doing black face, which is annoying.
      Korea is like, 98% Korean so it would make sense to see Koreans in all the roles and media and what not, so it's not an issue of white washing. But putting on makeup as though black people are costumes (the issue with black face) is not cool, ya'll.

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    4. Go argue about this bullshit on suho_ftw's excellent blackface article because idgaf

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  2. Ice Cream Cake attempted to animate a classy-sexy ejaculation with their end logo https://youtu.be/glXgSSOKlls?t=197, shame there wasn't a category for that this year.

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  3. The IU and Sulli New Year's selfie was one of the most iconic moments in K-history. The caonima queens united as one.

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  4. Truedy lied about her heritage and therefore gets negative marks from me.

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    1. I'd also like to say that I might make a post about what blackface really is just so that kpop fans finally understand the context of what blackface is and why you can't accuse everyone who darkens their skin for it.

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    2. I've thought about going into that territory myself but I was worried I'd bore everyone to fucking death.

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    3. Same but I think it has to be done. I'll just be sure to stick with the facts, short(ish) and sweet because it's starting to get a bit out of hand.

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