Monday, October 17, 2011

The legitimacy of 'Fan-accounts'.

[Disclaimer : long ass post, read it only if you have nothing better to do, seriously.]

For clarification purposes : I'm referring to the casual/deliberate 'first hand encounters' and not the fan accounts for concerts, since the latter tends to be a tad bit more legit (e.g. fancams/photos/autographs/signed merchandise etc. are provided most of the time) although it doesn't stop them from manipulating/exaggerating their shenanigans in order to persuade the hoard into strengthening their cray cray antics (period blood letters, x-rated fan fiction, slitting wrists and assaulting them on stage).

E.g. PG-13 version below :

Okayyyyyyyyyyyyy son.

While everyone else leaves comments in various threads that talk about translated fan accounts or a 1st hand one like the following : 

'Oh my she/he truly is an angel sent from above, bless him/her!


...there's me laughing my ass off or being semi-baffled by the amount of people being gullible, it's pretty fucking obvious that those 'fan-accounts' are made up just to make fantard's oppars and unnirs look like angels sent from above when in fact they're all G-Druggin with GD&POT. 

...& it's just as believable as Beyonce's baby bump (trololol).

Yeah, you ain't foolin everyone kiddos. Well except for all the deluded stans who have a fangasm reading it and absorbing all that BS like a sponge.

Now, if you read these accounts, you'll eventually spot a pattern which makes it all pretty fucking predictable. I could write that shit in 5 mins while actively procrastinating and listening to some Kanye on the side. So let me share with y'all how it rolls.

Typical settings for a 'fan-account' :

  • Cold winter evening/night where it's possibly raining in Seoul, the mood is scary and unfamiliar something that out of a Twilight/Scary Movie 3 spoof, mix in some melancholy music playing in the background (fuck your 'Dun Dun Dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn's, bitch) while the wind blows swiftly adding to the eerie atmosphere that engulfs the protagonist of the fan account. 
  • Oppar/unnir was obviously hanging out in the friendly neighbourhood like Spiderman  instead of practising their 'skills' in the studio or hanging out with their trainee pals, you know the drill : getting high high on cocaine and raping people *coughKanghocough* or unashamedly indulging in strip cam sessions *coughJiyeon/Cyclopscough* or giving an epic blowjob to KKS in order to join T-ara *coughHwayoung/Hwaderp/Hwadawggggggcough* (reppin CCM bitches *insert innocent face.jpg*)
  • The writer of the 'fan-account' was the victim of theft/rape/injustice or a third party. Mostly they're one of those passive bitches (e.g. Bella from Twilight) waiting for Fugward Edward oppar to pounce outta nowhere and save them.
  • Furthermore, 65% (made up stats hurhurr, wanna sue me?) of these 'fan accounts' take place before the idols have debuted in their respective groups. Ya know, cause we all remember what oppar & unnir looked like without caked up make-up/undone hair and 0% plastic surgery...loljke, or am I being serious? *insert creepy face.jpg*
Some popular ones are the ones where an 'anti-fan' is converted into a fan. BIGGEST LOAD OF BULLSHIT LOL. It's so damn obvious that an overzealous member of xyz fanclub writes it in order to strengthen people's idol worshipping antics and to make oppa/unnie look like a flawless being. If you do meet an idol, take pictures. If the manager doesn't allow that, then get an autograph. Or pluck a strand of their hair and do a DNA test and post it on the internet. Okaaaaaay, no wait don't do that. 

Then you have the Saesang/stalker fan accounts. Now these ones are either a hit or a miss. Some state the obvious while the others contain quite shocking revelations (not so shocking if you're a realistic fan...oh wait there's no such thing like that in the K-pop universe) 

E.g. 'lol I was umm like walking home from school and I went to check up on SHINee oppas & I saw Taemin oppa come out of the SM building and he was like wearing a skirt and a blonde wig so I screamed OPPAAAAAAAAAAAA AM I PRETTY? & he told me that I was the hottest thing to have walked the planet. Oppa was so cute kekekekekekekekekekeke ^.^ & then Key oppa told me that I looked like Jung Juri on drugs kekekekekeke so mean kekekekekekekekekeke ^.^.'

Last but not the least, the most interesting 'fan-accounts' belong to the so called 'insiders of K-pop'. These insiders claim to work in the Korean music industry and claim to have had several face to face interactions with the idols & CEO's themselves. Most of their posts highlight the dark side of the K-pop industry that draws readers in as it's written in an extremely persuasive manner that has an ability to provoke thoughts and beliefs about Korean pop culture. Most K-pop fans find this interesting as some simply see them as conspiracy theorists while the others are just looking for some form of entertainment. 

The point being, if you're going to write fan accounts don't bother exaggerating if you want people to believe you. If you do go ahead with it...making it sound like an extract from a fairy tale then everyone's going to think that you're letting your imagination run wild.
Follow the basic rule of the interwebz ppl, pics or gtfo.

Ugh, I want some.


  1. I was going to read this.
    Then I suddenly found at least 7 better things to do.
    Nice pictures though.

  2. Lovin the squirtle pic... reminds me of the 90's when pokemon was still legit.

    Lmao, I feel like this belongs on kpopsecrets.

  3. For a second, I thought i was reading Kpop Secrets.

  4. Whoever came up with "HwaDog" is a brilliant, brilliant person.

  5. uhhh..where can I get those strawberry-smashed-marshmallow thing???

  6. "Some popular ones are the ones where an 'anti-fan' is converted into a fan. BIGGEST LOAD OF BULLSHIT LOL." You was reading my mind.

  7. lol at the labels

  8. Gawd. This is too confusing and all over the place; I got lost after reading bout gay J-porn and something about raping :O.

  9. Your post ain't that long ass. I finished reading it while taking a dump.

    I enjoy trampling on fanboys/girls. Because they are retards with violent inclination, or psychos with mental handicaps. And to hell with that cliche statement "oh my dear one looks so much better in person, cameras don't do him/her justice blah blah blah". Like anyone's gonna buy this load of bull crap. If someone looks like an ass on camera, he/she at best looks like an half-ass in person, period

  10. Oh, let's not forget that Jiyeon has already turned 18. She should provide better fan services by taking a cue from Edison Chan and cutting us some real deals, not just lame shit webcam stripping.

  11. thank you for this~ i love it~.

    one of the most stupid "fan account" i read was this "omfg i was waiting in front of SM building waiting for my SJ oppa and i saw tiffany and i hated her because she was mean blah blah blah but someone magically ran past me and spilled my GLASS of water (because you drink glasses of water on the street) and fanytastic was so nice helping me. what angel <333"

    Like really?..just stfu~ to all kpop fans. i can't believe fans fall for those bullshit stories. proves or it doesn't count. and damn those cheesecake look amazing :L

  12. I have never encountered such accounts... but if i see one, i will make sure to stay the fuck away

  13. haha at the insider ones.
    they never say that they themselves work there though, it's always
    my uncles ex-girlfriends grandpas grandsons bestfriend does Taemin oppas hair every other month so I now know tons of kpop insiders.

    and their juicy info is always something that EVERYONE knows