Saturday, December 7, 2013

The 2014 FIFA World Cup Manual for Koreaboos

Alright, fangirls, I know the World Cup is about 7 months away, but it never hurts to be ready. In the vein of helpful articles we're putting out lately because we're pulling an Allkpop selling out we're so nice, I thought I'd put together a viewer's guide to the FIFA World Cup so you know exactly what's going on when you root for your oppas' favorite team.

NOTE: This is pretty fucking long too, probably will warrant a TL;DR Shorten it you dickwad from Chuck and Kpopalypse oppars... BUT I DGAF BITCHES

  1. What the fuck is the World Cup?
  2. Why the fuck should I care?
  3. Alright, where do I start?
  4. Advanced tips

TL;DR: Football (soccer for my fellow Americanos)'s biggest international event, it's like the Baseball World Series if the World Series was actually world-wide. This shit only happens once every 4 years (like the Olympics), so it's kind of a big deal. This year is the 20th World Cup, it's hosted in Brazil.

This be the logo this year.
Every self-respecting South Korean will be glued to their screens so long as South Korea still remains in the tournament. National pride and all that. That includes your oppas as well. They fucking love this shit. I guarantee you, 99% of most idols will have at least done some kind of promotional activity for the national team (more on this later).

That's DBSK, AKA Chuck and His Butt-buddies.
How better to stand out from the fangirl horde than by knowing all about his favorite football team?
Who knows, maybe you'll even be able to strike up a conversation with an oppa about this, and he'll fall in love with your charming wit and in-depth knowledge of the South Korean national team, and he'll take you to his van to talk about the team in a more quiet location, and maybe you'll be able to suck his dick, and maybe he'll have the courtesy to give you a reacharound?!

Anyways, if you're going to be a tru Koreaboo, it's in your best interest to brush up on this shit.

Fuck yeah, KO RE A
Boys, you should pay attention too. Your noonas eat this shit up like everyone else.


Now that I've caught your attention, where do you start you ask?

First, you should know where Brazil is on a map. Nothing is more embarrassing than not knowing where major countries are on a map. Odds are, if you know where it is, you can brag about it to those basic bitches you hang out with when they attempt to show off their knowledge about this World Cup shit.

That green one is Brazil.
Secondly, you should get a rough idea about how the format of the tournament works. After qualifying for the World Cup (which I assure you South Korea has, or we wouldn't be here), the 32 teams have been seeded into 4 pots (or groups) of 8. I won't bore you with the details of how that seeding works, but just know that it's based roughly on geographical location and world ranking. 

From these 4 pots, they drew one team each to make 8 groups of 4 for the group stages of the tournament. Each team plays every other team in the group once for a total of 6 matches per group. The top two teams from each group will advance to the elimination round. Stealing this next part from Wikipedia:
The ranking of each team in each group will be determined as follows:
  1. points obtained in all group matches;
  2. goal difference in all group matches;
  3. number of goals scored in all group matches;
If two or more teams are equal on the basis of the above three criteria, their rankings will be determined as follows:
  1. points obtained in the group matches between the teams concerned;
  2. goal difference in the group matches between the teams concerned;
  3. number of goals scored in the group matches between the teams concerned;
  4. drawing of lots by the FIFA Organising Committee.
Thirdly, you should know which group South Korea is in.
We want to look at Group H, if you're lost.
How does Korea stack up against their groupmates, you ask? If we go by the official FIFA power rankings:
  • Belgium (11)
  • Russia (22)
  • Algeria (26)
  • South Korea (54)
If we go by the SPI rankings (SPI rating represents the percentage of points a team would accumulate if a round-robin tournament were to be held among all the teams in the world):
  • Belgium (12), 
  • Russia (15), 
  • South Korea (37) 
  • Algeria (69)
As you can see, it's looking pretty grim for Korea considering they have an extremely uphill battle ahead of them if they want to even scrape by and get second place in the group. GO KOREA

Lastly, it's pretty important to know when our oppas are playing (no shit):
  • Korea v. Russia -- 06/17 @ 15:00 PST
  • Korea v. Algeria -- 06/22 @ 09:00 PST
  • Korea v. Belgium -- 06/26 @ 13:00 PST
So you've got the basics down, and you're ready to shit on some basic bitches who don't even know what's going on. How do we really lay it on thick and show people you're ready to support tha oppaz? 

(From L-R)
TOP ROW: Jung In Whan, Ji Dongwon, Kim Shinwook, Ki Sungyueng, Kwak Taehwi,  Jung Sungryong
BOTTOM ROW: Oh Beomseok, Koo Jacheol, Park Wonjae, Lee Keunho, Lee Chungyong
Players to know:

 이청용 - Lee Chungyong (right winger)
손흥민 - Son Heungmin (forward)
구자철 - Koo Jacheol (midfielder)
김신욱 - Kim Shinwook (striker)
이근호 - Lee Keunho (winger/striker)
기성용 - Ki Sungyueng (center midfielder)
This guy also married the beautiful Han Hye Jin
You may have noticed that I didn't mention the one Korean footballer most if not all basic fangirls know, Park Jisung. He retired from international play back in 2011, so be sure to rub that one in too if you get the chance.

The official "fanclub" if you will name for the South Korean National Football team is the Red Devils or 붉은 악마 (Bulgeun Ahgma). 

From Wikipedia: "The trademark mascot for the Red Devils is Chiwoo Cheonwang (치우천왕). A legendary figure in ancient Chinese and Korean history, the stories of brave Chiwoo Cheonwang influenced Korean folk tales and was interpreted into various designs of dokkaebi, which would be used in decorations for royal tombs and roof tiles. As Chiwoo Cheonwang is known as a symbol for victory and a guardian figure, the dokkaebi-like trademark was chosen to represent the club."

Wear red when you watch the games for maximum fanpower. Be sure to scream "대~한민국! (Dae~han Minguk)" too.

This'll do, Heo Yoon Mi.
If you get a chance, watch the Japanese games and insult them at every turn. Nothing says Korean nationalism quite like anti-Japanese sentiment at every opportunity, amirite? Even though the Japanese team is much better than the Korean team at the moment (FIFA rank 48, SRI rank 32) RUB IN THE FACT THAT KOREA'S RECORD AGAINST JAPAN IS 44W-14L-22D

Oh, and if anyone attempts to smear the good name of the Korean national squad by bringing up the infamous 2002 World Cup scandals or the 2006 World Cup scandal, YOU DENY EVERYTHING. OUR OPPAS PLAYED CLEAN BALL GODDAMN IT


And on that note, I can't wait for this year's clusterfucks of cheer songs. It will be glorious. 


  1. "Oh, and if anyone attempts to smear the good name of the Korean national squad by bringing up the infamous 2002 World Cup scandals or the 2006 World Cup scandal, YOU DENY EVERYTHING. OUR OPPAS PLAYED CLEAN BALL GODDAMN IT"
    Oh this will be more than easy. I'll just utilize the infamous "OPPAR DIDN'T MEAN IT!!1!" technique.

    1. Back then, i think i was watching a Teakwondo show on the field. And its quite amazing that they sneak out of it

    2. you can find the videos on youtube but they always get erased I guess by prideful Koreans,they dont want to admit the oppar cheated

    3. Mine's still good. For now. l0l

  2. This is about sport therefore I didn't read it, but the girl almost wearing the jumper is nice.

    1. I thought it was Hyunyoung so I just about exploded everywhere.

      10/10 fap material discovery nonetheless

    2. "almost wearing the jumper" that was nice bottom boob tho

  3. Fucking supports your own nation, you fangirling cocksuckers.

    1. But my country will never qualify for the WC ;-; I just want to see England and France get their shit pushed in again just like the last WC

    2. I have a feeling it's not like this in other countries much, but where I live the location you live in has nothing to do with what sports team you support. People pick sports teams here for seemingly arbitrary or non-existent reasons. Let's be honest, sports team supporters are really just graphic design and font fans.

  4. The only good thing about this is Heo Yoon Mi

    1. Or watching any sport, really.

    2. Now now, soccer isn't all bad

    3. Yeah guys, soccer ain't all bad.

    4. I nearly threw up, when I read the link "".

    5. Ignore the source, go for the content (in this case, body painted ladies).

  5. You! Ass! A! You Ass! A! You Ass! A!

  6. My viewer's guide: don't watch.

    1. I would only watch if Heo Yoon Mi was playing in that same exact outfit she's wearing in the picture.

    2. In which case, we'd see her glorious underboob bouncing around the field

  7. I still remember that one time a bunch of Koreans came in to my old work place during football season! I asked them the score and they were like we're losing and I was like YEAH! Cause I liked this one hot guy on the other team, forgot which team it was lol. Needless to say, I got a whole group of koreans just giving me the bitch stare down. Then thy tried t convince me Korea was better. Lesson learned, Koreans love their football, don't mess with them.

    1. koreans love their national team, they don't give a fuck about it at club level, just wear Premiership stuff. I saw some cunt on Running Man with a MCFC hoodie, couldnt watch it any more after that, fucking hate that lot I do

    2. if you want to annoy them point out how much better supported J-League is over K-League, even when you add in the massively inflated attendance figures

  8. Football(not soccer you american fat fuckfaces) is awesome and if you don't like it you're a bunch of fags. Now, those of you who don't care about football go make your gay movies where you buttfuck each other then show them to monkeys and watch them jack off.

  9. ughhhhhh my dad and sister watch the world cup (for the good teams, no less, so they actually watch a lot of the tournament) and when i was a kid i'd get stuck watching too and it was always so sad because anime lied to me and footballers are all dinosaury and unattractive :c

    well except kaka

    1. I blame Captain Tsubasa. ;A;

    2. lmao in a later season there's a deodorant called "tiger shot" that the tiger shot dude endorses

      captain tsubasa was my childhood ;A;

    3. Kickers reporting in, Tsubasa is a fag.

  10. I'm going to Brazil for the World Cup because my dad and brother bought me a ticket to go with them even though I didn't ask them. I have always watched it on TV but never thought I will actually be at the games in person.

  11. I won't bother to watch it... Unless there's a scandal.

  12. I love the world cup, and though I am a bit of a Koreaboo, I will not be supporting SK. They're just not THAT good at football. I honestly think their 2002 position (in THEIR country) was a fluke. GO GERMANY! I really don't want Brazil to win; I don't know why I have this grudge against them.

  13. A few notes :
    1. Zaku, please. Just what the fuck is this word soccer? It's the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to humanity. Don't you ever use that word again.

    2. You forgot to mention Ki Seung Yueng. He's their vital player in midfield, he's one of the more good-looking player, and most importantly he marries a Halyu star ffs.

    3. I do believe Korea has a slight chance of making it through the group phase. But Japan has a better chance of qualifying and it'll be hilarious to go to NB and read angry comments from K-netz because Japan make it while Korea fails lol.

    1. I agree with #2 so much. Han Hye Jin is one fine woman.

    2. Oshit, my b. Guess I didn't do my research well enough. Thx m8

  14. Since you mentioned in the livestream SEVERAL times that you put a lot of effort in this post I decided to read the whole thing since the first time I skipped some parts. but since I am already familiar with football ("soccer"), I was more interested in the vids. all of them are 240p or 360p. :(

  15. The chance of them making it out of the group stage is pretty slim; most people expect Belgium and Russia to slide through that group without problem.

    Either way, I hate koreaboo's during any "national" type events a complete embarrassment to whichever country they are originally from.

  16. i dont do sports but looking forward to korean group cheer songs. ;D

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  18. South Korea's group is pretty boring IMO, but we got the Belgians over there.

  19. I hope Argentina wins I want Messi to win a world cup... This is his last chance, final Brazil Vs Argentina, please