ZAKU'S 2013 IN REVIEW: WORST OF THE WORST

Ok, since everyone else has written a 2013 in review article (and it was kind of my idea to get everyone to do it in the first place), I figured I hop to it and present everyone with how I felt about 2013's KPop releases. Originally, I was going to make a superarticle with all of what I wanted to say about 2013 in it, but I realized that it was going to be too long with too much shit to load, and that's not very nice for low bandwidth or mobile users. Thus, I'm just going to start with the worst of the worst. Because all of the cool kids authors are doing it...

DISCLAIMER: My opinions are my own and do not reflect the opinions of the other authors. If you don't agree with me, w/e. If you think I'm clickbaiting, L0L0L0L0L0L GET REKT KID

Sorry not sorry, so comme des fuckdown pls

NOTE: I'm excluding all Japanese releases because those technically don't count as KPop.

BOTTOM TEN WORST SONGS OF 2013

(In no particular order because I'm too lazy to sort these by degrees of shittyness.)
EDIT: Actually, I think this ended up in the order I would have set them at anyway.

Generally speaking, these songs are so bad, they're practically unlistenable. Like so bad, you skip it instantly if it comes up on shuffle (why the fuck it's on your mp3 player in the first place, who knows). So bad, if it comes on the radio station, you'd rather drive in silence than listen to it. So bad, if its MV comes on a storefront you walk by, you must make a 180 and find a different way around to your destination.

10. SNSD - I Got a Boy

I've made no secret my utter distaste for this song throughout the year, so it should come as no surprise that it's been included here. The song is terribly written, and whoever thought it was a good idea to mash up like 3-5 different songs into one should be shot. This ain't no Bohemian Rhapsody, nor will it even be that one song Koppalypse mentioned when he was talking about it in his list. I don't know what's worse, the beginning where everyone does that aegyo-ey sing-talky conversational-ey back-and-forth rap, or Sooyoung's "AYO GG," or how Tiffany decides to preface the song with "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere comes trouble~!" or Hyoyeon's rap parts with the back-and-forth shit, or how Jessica says "Let's bring it back to 1:40" then proceeds to literally rewind the song back to the 1:40 mark." I could go on, but that would be bringing more attention to this song than it deserves.

If they only fleshed out one, or two tops, of the "mini" songs they smushed into this, it would probably been great. But nooooooo, why waste money on multiple promotion cycles when you can write a supersong with all of those bits in it and release it in one clean package? /smlogic

Not to mention everyone is dressed the the bargain bin trailer trash you could only find in a YG garage sale. Blech. Let us never speak of Sunny's butchered hair ever again. I will forgive them for this though.

God bless SeoAbs

9. G-Dragon - Michigo

I can understand GD's primary modus operandi. The man clearly knows what sells in Korea and what doesn't, and he expressly writes his songs in a way to cater to that lowest denominator of fangirl to lap up. In a way, he's the Tyler Perry of KPop, but usually GD's music grows on me or I find some hidden gem on an album to enjoy. Not gonna lie, I kinda liked One of a Kind for example. 

This on the other hand, is pure shit. It's literally a cacophonous mess of electronic bells and whistles with no direction than "THERE IS NO DIRECTION." Nothing makes sense, from the flow of the song, to the backtrack, to the MV. Nothing.

I will give him props for making it big then inviting all of his friends to be in his music videos. Shit, if my friend made shitty music like this but invited me to act like an idiot and posture for his music video, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I almost think he just puts this shit out just to see what new lows fangirls will stoop to to justify buying this shit, like some sick social experiment.

After all, if he can have 30+ seconds of his music video be of him peeing in a urinal and still hit 12 million views (as of this writing), the man can sell anything. 

Why tho

8. 4 Minute - What's Your Name

If you thought I Got a Boy was a mess, I think 4 Minute's version is worse. And yes, I mean it when I say 4 Minute's version. 

Both songs have what sound like multiple separate songs smushed into one, a weird English hook line, terrible thrift shop street fashion, and general suckyness. Everyone's over-processed to the point where you can hardly tell who's supposed to be singing, and that incessant beeping gets on the nerves. Not even a zombie attack mid-MV can save that trainwreck of a song/MV. I almost wish it cut there.

Who the hell thought this was a good idea anyway?

7. T-ara N4 - Countryside Life 

I started off with very high hopes for this subunit. I mean the premise was one of the better ones in KPop -- screw vocal line or dance line or whatever the fuck line, just take the 4 hottest (I dunno about Areum tho) members of the group (who happen to carry the most weight vocally anyway) write a song for em. Trim the fat if you will.

Alas, twas not to be. The song suffers from much of the same problems that landed the other songs on this list -- it sounds like multiple songs smushed together with no rhyme or reason. Like I Got a Boy, if they only picked one thread or something, they could have had a real gem on their hands. As it is, the messy composition, that rather annoying Middle-Eastern-ey pipe in the background (inb4 AKF hates the Middle East too) asf, and that horrible rap shoved in the beginning and never touched upon again makes it a real pain in the ass to listen to.

I think the only thing that saves this song is the fact that the lyrics are pretty much a big "fuck you" to all the haters dickriding on T-ara. That ding galingalinga ding dance bit is kind of nice/funny too.

6. CL - The Baddest Female

With CL's solo debut, I knew it was either going to be a clubbanger I might enjoy like Fire, Can't Nobody, or I am the Best... or utter try-hard garbage like the rest of the crap YG has been pushing out lately. Unfortunately for me, it was the latter.

I dunno, just something about CL's voice when she raps annoys the hell outta me and for her to have an entire song to herself at a slow as shit beat and rapping with little to no flow or pace... Blecch. Seriously, CL's "rap," if you could call it that, sounds like Kidz Bop. I think the biggest thing about the song I dislike is that last chunk of the chorus, that thing where she's like "UNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH." No wait, I think I hate that English part where she calls out to her fellow bad girls, but not "bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good you know" even more.

And doesn't anyone else find it awkward for CL to use little girls and a baby as a prop in a song that calls them all gizibe? .__.

5. EXO - Wolf

Alright, I'm not going to lie, I kinda liked Exo on debut. I still have History and Mama on my mp3 player as guilty pleasure tracks to listen to every now and then. I hate to sound like a bandwagoner, but after all the hype they obviously had no chance in hell of living up to and the batshit insanity of the Exotic (or whatever the fuck you call em now) fandom, I washed my hands of them and never looked back.

That is, until I was forced to listen to this song again. This song just plain old sucks. I can't even attempt to explain it rationally, nothing about this song sounds good to me. Least of all that horrible "NEGA OOLF A-OOOOOOOOOOO" shit. The raps sound like run-on sentences with the words tripping on themselves on their way out of whoever's trying to spit them out, and I think the composer had a drunken bet with the audio mixer on how many times he could slip in "oolf" throughout the song or something.

It baffles my mind how bad this song is, but how fangirls continue to fap over this shit and find hidden meaning in it all. Even the dance is dumb, and I don't really have much interest in teen boys trying to make tough guy faces at the camera but coming off as constipated or just plain dumb-looking.

4. WASSUP - Wa$$up

I was really excited for this group to debut with their twerking gimmick because the very idea of these Korean girl idols twerking on stage to rabid fanboy chanting got my sides in stitches. Just imagine if the barely disguised ass shaking the idols do now because straight up twerking or booty popping, shed the pretenses and all that. 

But the song sucked. So hard. Not only was there no twerking in the damn MV, but I'd say most of the girls are weird looking, NOT LEAST OF ALL THAT HORRIBLE TROLL-LOOKING DARKISH GIRL IN THE SILVER TIGHTS. JESUS CHRIST WHO WOULD STAN SUCH A CREATURE. NOT EVEN HYOYEON AKA HYOPPA AKA HYORC AKA HYOHOHO, THE LEGENDARY ORC WARRIOR FROM KALIMDOR LOOKED THAT BAD EVER.

But yeah, the song was bad. That "HAHA HAHA HA HA" thing does the song no favors, nor does the random Engrish. I mean come on, "CHI CHI CHI CHI BANG YA, CHI CHI CHI CHI BANG YA?" Really??

At least we got the debut of Nari, THE ONLY SAVING GRACE OF THIS HORRIBLE GROUP, out of it all.

Let the gif speak for itself.

3. 2NE1 - Do You Love Me

You know 2NE1 has hit the bottom of the YG priority list when he's got them rehashing old songs as new comeback material (e.g., I Love You) and when he has them film their own MV with a camcorder. Sure you could call it a fun, out of the box way to shoot an MV, but when 2NE1 has to get drunk/high/coked out of their minds to shoot the MV, I'm not so sure how benign the intentions were.

At any rate, the song's just as terrible as Bom's plastic surgeries. Is it really necessary to repeat "DO YOU LOVE ME" over and over and over? I get that's the chorus, I get that's the name of the song, YOU DON'T NEED TO REMIND ME THAT MANY TIMES. 

Someone needs to free my nigga Minzy already tho, she has to get out of this group ASAP. l0l

#freeminzy
((Wrong MV I know, but this gif is nice))

2. SHINee - Everybody

I was debating on whether this or Why So Serious was worse, but I ended up deciding on this because of several reasons:

• the constant electronic flairs are really overused and abused
• the chorus is literally just "EVERY BODY, EVERY EVERY EVERY BODY" interrupted by electronic breakdowns
• how many goddamn times can you say everybody in this damn song
• what a waste of an opportunity to go with a Nazi!Jonghyun/Minho concept
• the song is so lazily put together
• awful breakdowns randomly scattered around the song like a shotgun to the face

I mean I could have gone with the other one, but this one is the more blatant offender.

1. Hwang Minwoo - Show Time

If there was ever a song that deserved worst KPop song of 2013, nay, worst KPop song of all time, it would be this one. If you don't know/remember, Hwang Minwoo is Little Psy, or the young kid who happens to look a little like Psy and is decently talented at dancing for his age. He's been linked with Psy on several variety shows before, appearing only to do random Psy dances, but he really hit it big when he was featured in Psy's Gangnam Style MV (the playground/beach scenes). 

Anyway, I honestly forgot this song even existed until I saw Kpoppalypse's  list, so fuck you for that by the way.

Everything about this song, from Minwoo's whiny overprocessed voice, to the overt sexualization of a young boy, to the blatent Gangnam Style cash-in, sucks. May god have mercy on on Youtube for uploading this shit, on the editor who put this shit together, to the director whose insane mind dreamed up the MV to this shit, on the producer who shit the song out, on Minwoo's parents for approving this shit, and on the executives who thought signing this kid to do this shit in the first place was a good idea.

Stay tuned for my Best of the Best list. Should be much easier to write than this one.