Hello, UCAADs. We are back with another installment of the ongoing fanfiction collaboration between Kpopalypse and Anti Kpop-Fangirl. Here is part one of the fanfiction.
AKF thought for a moment. Could he kill another human, just to appease f(x)'s Victoria?
Victoria put her hand on AKF's thigh. “Please, help us AKF... you're our only hope!”
“Okay, I'll do it!” AKF replied, instantly. “Kpopalypse, are you in?”
“We'll be... very grateful if you could help us,” Sulli winked at Kpopalypse.
Kpopalypse took a deep breath. “Okay, fuck it. What's the worst that can happen, a few years jail time, big deal - by the time I finish my jail term maybe Australia will have voted Tony Abbott out. What do we have to do?”
Sulli produced a small package from her bag and gave it to Kpopalypse. ”Use this, it's untraceable.”
Kpopalypse opened the package. In it was a note containing the target's address with a photograph, plus a small MP3 player with headphones. Kpopalypse gave the picture and note to AKF, then stared at the MP3 device.
Sulli could sense Kpopalypse and AKF's confusion. “You wait till she goes to sleep, put that on her head and press play. She won't survive the night.”
“What's on it?” asked AKF.
“We can't tell you that...” replied Victoria “...in case you get caught and interrogated before you complete the mission. The less you two know, the better. Just know that it works.”
“No human could survive eight straight hours of what's on that MP3 player,” said Krystal.
“Except maybe Luna,” added Sulli, staring straight into Luna's face for the first time since they entered the room.
Luna returned the gaze. “Shut up you cock-munching whore. Surprised you can talk at all with that jizz from every B-list rapper in Korea clogging up your throat.”
Sulli was furious. “I'm gonna fucking cut you, bitch!” Sulli lunged at Luna, attempting to grab her by the throat with one hand while trying to get a pocket knife out of her handbag with the other. Luna retaliated by grasping Sulli's arms around her wrists, attempting to immobilize her. Amber sighed and changed seats, sitting between Sulli and Luna, her bulky frame easily pushing them apart and instantly stopping the fight.
“Sorry about these two,” sighed Amber.
“That's okay, Aiden,” replied Kpopalypse.
“We don't mind if the girls fight but maybe make it in a jelly arena or something,” added AKF.
Amber raised an eyebrow at AKF and smiled. “Wait... you two know about the jelly arena?”
That night, Kpopalypse and AKF were outside the flat in Gangnam where f(x)'s stylist lived.
“Okay Kpopalypse, you keep watch and make a noise if someone's coming. I'm going to climb up into the bedroom window and plant this MP3 player on her.”
Kpopalypse nodded. “Okay. Are you sure you're not curious about what's actually on that MP3 player?”
AKF shook his head. “I don't want to risk it. What if it's Cherry Blossom Ending? The sound would be so horrid that we might die before we complete our mission.”
“Good point,” Kpopalypse agreed. “Anyway, good luck. I'll clear my throat really loudly if anyone comes.”
Kpopalypse watched as AKF stealthily climbed up onto the first floor balcony and entered the apartment.
"How racist of Kpopalypse," muttered AKF as he closed the door. "Just because I have more Asian blood in me than he does, he thinks I'm more of a ninja. I should write a social justice post and rally all of the social justice warriors for his racism."
AKF tip-toed through the hallway, using his light frame to his advantage as he wasn't making any noises. "And he's probably a size-ist, too, implying that I would be stealthier than he is. What a bigoted mother fucker."
AKF looked around and noticed all of the doors were shut except for one. He snuck over to the side of the door and peered in through the door to see if anyone saw him. Inside the room were two girls fingering themselves to a Kris tribute video. "Well, I need to get the fuck away from here as fast as possible," thought AKF as he scurried on by.
AKF reached the door to the stairs and looked at the note given to him by Victoria. "So, I need to go to the fifth floor, room #513." AKF lamented the fact that he had to walk up the fucking stairs because escaping would be that much more of a pain in the ass.
AKF had reached the fifth floor and spotted room #513. It was on the other side of the hall. AKF slowly opened the window on his side of the hallway and saw Kpopalypse. "Go to the other side of the building," whispered AKF as he motioned for Kpopalypse to move to the other side. Kpopalypse looked in both directions to make sure no one could see him before going to the other side of the apartment complex. AKF closed the window and walked to the other side of the hallway. He opened the window and looked down and spotted Kpopalypse. AKF gave Kpopalypse the "OK" sign before opening the door to the stylist's apartment.
The apartment was spotless and everything was organized in perfect order. AKF looked around and discovered the stylist passed out on her couch after drinking a whole bottle of soju by herself. AKF pulled out the MP3 from his pocket along with the headphones. He placed the headphones on the stylist's ears and pressed play on the MP3 player. AKF slowly walked out of the room and closed the door behind him. He then walked as fast as he could to the other side of the hallway and down the stairs back to the first floor.
Kpopalypse heard the door open and rushed to other side of the building to meet up with AKF. "Did you get the job done?" asked Kpopalypse.
"Of course," replied AKF. "She was hammered after drinking a bottle of soju by herself. I really can't condemn her because she probably needs a bottle of soju every day after working with Sulli and Luna."
A bellow reverberated throughout the whole neighborhood as the apartment complex started to shake from side to side as if an earthquake had just occurred. AKF and Kpopalypse looked at each other with a "WTF" expression on their faces. In an instant, the apartment complex collapsed as a shadow figure flew up into the sky. Dark clouds suddenly formed around the shadow figure and lightning bolts rained down from the sky.
"Dude, what the fuck?!" yelled Kpopalypse as he pulled out his guitar.
AKF glanced at Kpopalypse. "Dude, why do you have your guitar with you?"
"I brought it in case I had the chance to serenade Sulli and allow her to feel the pleasure of sleeping with a man whose ding-a-ling is more than two inches long!" said Kpopalypse as he turned his attention back to the storm brewing in the sky.
The shadow figure descended to the ground and landed in front of Kpopalypse and AKF. The thunder clouds started to fade and AKF recognized the figure as the f(x) stylist. She extended her left hand and sound waves echoed straight at AKF.
"Did you think it was fucking funny to play Hwang Min Woo's "Show Time" to wake me up?" asked the stylist.
AKF quickly put his hands over his ears to block out the terrible song from playing. "I was told that this song was supposed to kill you, not turn you into a demon!"
Kpopalypse was grimacing while the song was playing. Due to his experience of having listened to so many shitty songs throughout his career, the effects of the song weren't as adverse on him as they were on AKF. He regained his composure and started playing T-ara's "Roly Poly."
"The only way to defeat terrible music is to play good music!" yelled Kpopalypse as he started walking closer to the stylist.
The stylist peered over to Kpopalypse and extended her right hand towards him. She raised her right index finger and started scribbling a message into the air. Suddenly, a barrage of social justice messages were penetrating Kpopalypse's ears.
"You're a sexist for enjoying the degradation of females as they strip themselves for your deviant behavior!"
"You're racist because you didn't like Korean music before 2008!"
"You're a homophobe because you don't like boy bands!"
Kpopalypse dropped his guitar and cupped his hands over his ears. "This is too much bullshit for me to handle!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed the stylist as she placed her hands together to conjure a spell. A black orb formed in between her hands and she hurled the orb right between Kpopalypse and AKF. Once the orb was between the two, the stylist swung her arms out so that they were perpendicular to her body. Many threads spawned from the black orb and encompassed both Kpopalypse and AKF.
AKF opened his eyes and looked around. He was in a dark room that was barely lit by candlelight. "The fuck, is this 1814 or some shit?" AKF looked down and saw that he was strapped down to a chair. He looked over to his left and saw that Kpopalypse was also strapped down to a chair. The stylist was holding up a tablet up to Kpopalypse's face, forcing him to watch unfathomable videos.
"Stop, I can't take it anymore!" yelled out Kpopalypse in agony.
"Hahaha, trying to close your eyes is as futile as Shindong going on a diet. The shit isn't happening," laughed the stylist. "This spell to keep your eyes open is unbreakable!"
The stylist clicked play on the next video and it was 2NE1's “Happy”. AKF and Kpopalypse both screamed in terror, as the stylist smiled and danced in front of them while holding the tablet, singing along to “I hope you're HAPPY, I wish you're HAPPY”, over and over.
“This is a human rights abuse!” complained Kpopalypse.
“This is more brutal than the Israel/Palestine conflict!” added AKF.
“And Hwang Min Woo's 'Show Time' isn't? YOU TWO are clearly the ones with no morals!” the stylist retorted.
Kpopalypse and AKF both looked at each other.
“She's kind of got a point,” whispered Kpopalypse to AKF. “We totally were going to kill her just so we could get some action from Sulli and Victoria.”
“Yeah, true,” replied AKF, “but it would have been worth it. Anyway she's also going to kill us. This isn't the time for moral debates.”
“So what do we do?”
“I don't know.”
The song ended. The stylist loaded up the next song and drew it closer to her captive's faces as it played – PSY and Snoop Dogg's “Hangover”. More screams of pain from AKF and Kpopalypse.
“Snoop Dogg or Lion or whatever the fuck he's calling himself this week is a Rastafarian, aren't they into peace or some hippie shit?” yelled AKF.
“Yeah, he would never approve of this song being used as a weapon like this!” added Kpopalypse.
The stylist smiled and shrugged, swaying the tablet and singing “HANGOVER, HANGOVER”, over and over along with the video, emphasizing the words as much as possible.
Grimacing in pain at the horrible visuals and music, Kpopalypse and AKF struggled in their seats. Then Kpopalypse remembered, the disease that turned his head bald also made his fingernails really sharp. Kpopalypse felt along the edges of the strap tying his hands behind his back and started working slowly through the fabric with his thumbnail.
Meanwhile, the song ended. The stylist played with the tablet, preparing the next song. “I've just been toying with you for now, but you won't survive this next song! Prepare to die, assholes!”
The video screen sprang into life yet again. Akdong Musician's “200%”. AKF and Kpopalypse both looked at each other in sheer terror. They knew death was only minutes away if they couldn't do something. AKF noticed Kpopalypse sawing his way through the fabric, but Kpopalypse shook his head – he was only a quarter of the way through the strap, not enough time to avoid hearing the whole song. They were finished.
The stylist started rapping along with the song: “yes I'm a soldier... for... you”
AKF and Kpopalypse grimaced and cringed, watching the video in silent defeat. They knew that when the AKMU girl started signing, it would be the beginning of the end and their brains would begin leaking out of their ears from shit-music-by-fugly-people disease.
Suddenly a loud popping nose was heard, easily identifiable as the sound of glass breakage. Where was it? Did someone throw something through a window? No... the tablet had gone black, the screen cracked by the full force of AKMU's combined ugliness.
“Fuck! It's broken! I've got a spare tablet around here somewhere... a much better one, just you wait!”
Kpopalypse tried to hasten his sawing... but he was still only halfway through. The stylist found another tablet quickly, and started booting it up. “Don't think you're getting out of this alive! This tablet has the latest technology and can display even the ugliest videos with full brightness!“ the stylist taunted.
Before long, the tablet's operating system was fully loaded, and the stylist was quickly downloading and playing AKMU's “200%” again. Cursing Korea's superior Internet speeds, Kpopalypse and AKF both braced themselves as the video started and the stylist shoved the tablet in their field of vision.
“yes I'm a soldier...
A loud cracking sound, and the screen went black again.
“FUUUCK!” the stylist screamed. Clearly tablet technology has not progressed to the point where it can display AKMU's faces without the screen cracking, AKF figured. In the meantime Kpopalypse was two thirds of the way through the fabric, when he started to feel the strap give. Pulling it apart with his hands he freed his arms, however his legs were still tied to the chair. Kpopalypse swung down low, falling onto his side, grabbed one of the glass shards from the tablet, and stabbed the stylist in the ankle. The stylist screamed, and limped off. Kpopalypse then turned the glass shard to his own ankles to split the straps, then worked on freeing AKF.
“That was close!” sighed Kpopalypse in relief.
“Yeah we were nearly done for,” said AKF. “She'll probably be back soon with something even more devastating.”
Kpopalypse cut AKF loose and they both stood up. “Let's get out of here before she comes back!”
AKF shook his head. “But our mission isn't over. She's still alive, as long as she lives, we're now under threat.”
“Threat of more of that magic bullshit?” asked Kpopalypse.
“No – threat of not having sex with Victoria and Sulli.”
Kpopalypse nodded. “Okay. Let's do this. Should we stab her with the glass?”
AKF laughed. “She's a demon – I've seen the movies, I know what demons are like, she'll probably just heal instantly or some mystical crap. I've got a much better idea.” AKF took his mobile phone out of his pocket. “If bad music turns her into a demon, what do you think a song as good as Red Light will do?”
"Well, give it a shot," said Kpopalypse. "It's not like we have any other choice in the matter. I'm not Shindong, so I can't just devour her in one bite."
"Yeah, and I'm not Suzy, so I can't just sit on her and crush her to death," AKF replied as he was typing "f(x) Red Light" into the YouTube search bar. He cranked the volume to the max and started playing the song.
A loud scream was heard from the other room where the stylist was. AKF and Kpopalypse dashed to the room to see a black aura dissipating from the stylist. AKF placed his phone near the stylist and she let out another loud shriek as the black aura finally disappeared.
"Thank God," the stylist said as she reverted to her human form.
"Well, great thinking," said Kpopalypse as he looked at AKF.
"Yeah, after reviewing numerous shitty songs for three years, good songs always help me return to normal," replied AKF.
"I'm glad you two like my song," stated the stylist as she stood up.
"You wrote the song?" asked Kpopalypse and AKF in unison.
"Of course," stated the stylist. "The styling is just what I do on the side. I'm one of f(x)'s primary composers."
"Well, why did you troll the fuck out of the members with the styling?" asked AKF.
"Yeah, Sulli wasn't even up to my required standards for fapping thanks to you," quipped Kpopalypse.
"Well, it's not like I had a choice," stated the stylist. "After composing the song with the rest of the team, we knew we had a major hit on our hands, but the higher ups demanded that we make the members look like shit."
"Why would you even do this to the members?" asked AKF.
"Yeah, I can't think of a reason," said Kpopalypse. "Unless," he added, "one of the reasons was to get Choiza to shut the fuck up. If Sulli happened to look like shit, then he wouldn't go on variety shows bragging about banging Sulli."
"Well, that plan sure backfired, didn't it?" said AKF.
"Well, the real reason is--" stated the stylist before a bullet exited through her forehead. A few more bullets were fired into her back and a massive pool of blood oozed out of the holes.
"I think you two have been digging around a little too much," said a mysterious voice.
"Hey, I recognize that voice," stated AKF.
"Who the fuck could it be?" asked Kpopalypse.
"I remember it from all of those old BoA videos. It can't be..." replied AKF.
Lee Soo Man emerged from the shadows and blew the smoke away from his pistol.
"How did you even acquire that gun?" asked AKF. "South Korea has some strict as fuck gun laws."
"I am the fucking law," stated Lee Soo Man as he laughed. "It's just a shame that I had to use the law to execute my most talented composer."
"If you could execute anyone freely, why didn't you execute Kris?" asked Kpopalypse.
"I love to let those Chinese UCAADs believe that they can actually be free," explained Lee Soo Man. "Because life would be too boring if I just killed someone every time there was a problem. Well, it looks like I'm going to have to recruit a new composer."
Kpopalypse brushed off his shirt and adjusted his hat. "I'm the man you need," he said. "The only payment I need is banging Sulli every day."
"You asshole," stated AKF. "You're going to find a way to bang Sulli without me being able to bang Victoria!"
"Well, technically, the stylist is dead, so you should still get your wish," retorted Kpopalypse.
"Fuck you, man," stated AKF. "That's a one-time deal at best if she even agrees while you're demanding to bang Sulli every day!"
"Why don't both of you shut the fuck up?!" stated Lee Soo Man as he reached in his pocket and dialed a number. "Yeah, go ahead with the plan."
Lee Soo Man ended the call and accessed the Internet. He started playing a video that was playing real time around Korea.
It was a news report. "Breaking news from SM Entertainment. As SM Entertainment is going to invest all of its in-house producers for Red Velvet, SM has agreed to a contract with Brave Brothers to produce all of f(x)'s albums for the foreseeable future."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" screamed Kpopalypse and AKF as Lee Soo Man started laughing hysterically.
To be continued...