Friday, July 10, 2015

Haiku Reviews 2 - Kpopalypse has returned - prepare your anus

Very many folks / seemed to really quite enjoy / my Haiku reviews
As Kpopalypse / is always happy to please / all of his readers
I have now returned / with even more song reviews / in Haiku format
Sit back and enjoy / as I take a runny dump / on all of your faves
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The following songs / in a convenient list / alphabeticised
These selections were / requested through ask.fm / by my Caonimas
If the song you picked / is not below I may have / reviewed it before
In my previous / Haiku post, best-worst lists or / five word song reviews
Or perhaps I just / left your shitty song out to / make you really mad
Anyway there is / a horny jizzload of songs / so let's get started
 *
Falsetto chorus / like being hit in the nutsack / by a bad driver
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Boring smooth soft crap / described perfectly by the / insightful song name
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Kemy and Minju / had those two great mixtape raps / so why does this suck
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Sorn from CLC / Will probably look like this / in about ten years
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Tedious mish-mash / of all their much better songs / in a crap medley
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Waited for Jimin /  to say "Hey!" so I could fap / it was not to be
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Waited for Jimin /  to say "Hey!" so I could fap / ahh, that's more like it
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Nobody wants to / hear AOA's generic / filler k-ballads
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Brilliant production / and great beats, shame about the / crappy blues based song
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Shinsadong Tiger / doesn't hit gold all the time / evidence is here
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Emotionally / manipulating their fans / for a fast buck works
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BigBang finally / makes something vaguely like a / proper fucking song
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Black Nut is good fun / if only idols also / had his attitude
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Two zero one five / is the year nugu groups ran / out of MV cash
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BoA runs SM / so she saves all the good songs / mainly for herself
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MV girl is hot / think I might turn the song off / and just fap to her
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Threatens to be good / but doesn't quite get up there / oh well nice try folks
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They only know love / maybe they should have learned some / songwriting instead
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Okay, this standard / New Jack Swing by numbers is / not too bad I guess
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Ladies if you like / kpop boys in uniform / your porn has arrived
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I guess now that we / don't have BAP these days / this will have to do
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With a name like that / I expected something fast / not this reggae lite
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Cannot decide if / Aron or Chad has the worst / creepy camera stare
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Be honest ladies /  you only picked this song for / Jaehyosturbation
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Clara looks stupid / plus the song is pretty crap / can still fap, all good
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One day Dal Shabet / might hit the pop A-list but / not with this garbage
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I guess rapists must / like vocal harmonising / in their boy group songs
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Open World's rapist / or their new agency's clothes / not sure which is worse
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Nugus once again / showing the A-list groups a / decent fucking song
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Is it X-I-D / or E-X-I-D? Thanks for / fucking this post up
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Worthless ballad trash / the type that clogs up all the / k-pop albums now
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EXO and football / a bigger styling fail than / Martina's loose clothes
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Before Tymee days / E.via had proper beats / not shit rap ballads
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Maybe they refused / the bangbus ride so Tiger / gave them this dull song
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f(x) are odd as / they do have good album tracks / trufax, caonimas
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The song G-Dragon / has been trying to write for the / last three years but can't
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The parts are all good / but they don't fit together / like Hyuna's body
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Like most k-pop groups / 4Minute's album tracks are / rejected singles
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At least it's heavy / or as heavy as these groups / are allowed to get
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Absolute shit song / in a transgressive package / so you notice it
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A ben-wa bead song / concept is innovative / but not the music
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Better than Glass Bead / which is just a clone of that / SNSD song
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Back when Girl's Day had /  good synthpop features, not the / lame shit they do now
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Awful messy trash / Girl's Day sound like Sistar now / for the bucks I guess
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Cool electro swing / should have been the feature track / their agency sucks
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Designed for concert / lightstick waving, remember / where the on switch is
 
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Back when you could tell / which member was which just by / looking at their face
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With a name like that /  they should have made it sound like / Eye Of The Tiger
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About as good as / SNSD's album tracks / ever fucking get
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There are only two / things I watch SNSD / MVs for these days
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Another basic / SNSD album track / nothing to see here
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If Hello Venus / did this concept from debut / they would be rich now
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One of the better / boy groups around now, with a / pleasing lack of swag
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Very generic / with that lame whistling shit that / all the groups have now
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Not nearly enough / of Hong Jin Young's boobs displayed / I am disappoint
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Teenage kids try to / sound tough with fake growly voice / quaking in my boots
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This isn't too bad / at least it has some guitar / that's something I guess
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Too much of this weak / crap in K-pop but at least / this is well written
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She has heard Detox / but Kpopalypse has not / I'm not fit to judge
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The only song that / Unpretty Rapstar gave us / that was any good
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A good story to / manipulate you into / liking a shit song
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JYP looks like / even more of a pervert / than me, I approve
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It's okay but it / lacks the metal influence / of their better tracks
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Back when you could tell / which member was which just by / looking at their face
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Great 60's girl group / style song that nobody liked / because they all suck
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Lizzy sounds great here / but I wish she really was / a bit easier
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How fucking maudlin / can these sour sobs fucking go / out and get some sun
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This is pretty good / Lovelyz have good album tracks / not sure why that is
*
Lovelyz going down / Stock Aitken Waterman path / it does work for them
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Decent verses are / ruined by the blues chorus / waste of a good song
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If Dal Shabet had / this as a feature track they / might have got somewhere
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Let's not make Johnny / Noh's ego any bigger / with crap songs like these
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Glad this one never / came out as a feature track / it's as shit as "Breathe"
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More yoloswag stuff / but this one is pretty good / catchy synth saves it
*
Sounds like music from / an 80s action film scene / not too bad I guess
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Boy groups killing each / other with guns, soon the world / will be perfect - shoot!
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This song is nothing / great but still better than most / boy group songs that year
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If I had the choice / I would have not reviewed this / lame album filler
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It isn't bad but / the Tarantinoesque start / outperforms the song
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This is the song that / "Catch Me If You Can" should have / been like, but was not
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Nine Muses do not / have good album tracks but this / is an exception
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Very average / song title sounds like a good / idea, flush it down
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Nothing special here / but notable for some cool / theremin backing
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Maybe the best song / these nugus have ever had / but still not that great
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It's easy to see / why Rainbow struggled for fame / with this boring crap
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Finally Rainbow / get a good feature track, it / only took 6 years
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Nothing special here / grateful that this song wasn't / picked as the feature
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Pretty cool song but / I still can't tell them apart / someone help me please
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I often hate this / type of funk disco thing but / Risso is good here

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Why why is Shannon / doing a Traci Lords on / uncle fans, stop that
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I want my three and / a half minutes back that I / spent hearing this shit
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Best SHINee feature / track in a while but all their / others are bad, so...
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What is this crapstep / didn't they get the memo / this is a dead style
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Screechy annoying / chorus sinks all the appeal / this song could have had
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What's with Sonamoo's / agency, all their fillers / are better than their...
...fucking shit feature / not that these songs are good but / "Deja Vu" was trash
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This song is good but / still Mina from AOA's / Audrey Hepburn wins
*
If you don't want to / be teased please do a proper / MV next time thanks
*
I was introduced / to Heelys by SPEED, thanks for / enhancing my life
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This was a real thing? / Christ Super Junior released / some pure fucking turds
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The crap keeps coming / seems lovestruck Shindong fangirls / will buy anything
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"Holler" was a much / better song, that's why it was / the feature - trufax
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Disgusting blues trash / I listen to k-pop to / get away from this
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The chimps finding a / mic is appropriate for / YG's career path
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Nothing all that great / but still better than what they / did as a five piece
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Pretty sure that this / group were always a two piece / where's my cheque SM
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Country k-pop song / that is about 1% / country, what a fail
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Yet another dull / rap ballad, Korea has / millions of these shits
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Boring song that is / well-matched with an equally / boring video
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Typical yolo / swag shit, Wa$$up should go back / to breakdance music
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Wonder Girls also / had decent album tracks which / is unusual...
...k-pop albums are / usually bad because / they are not designed...
from the ground up as / albums but just the feature / plus leftover junk
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Apt song title as / trainees at their agency / found out all too soon
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Someone asked me if / this was shot with a drone - yes! / Click here for the proof!
*
eunjunghaiku2

9 comments:

  1. DGNA did nuffin wrong/they might have raped a couple of underage people but/ at least they're not been as rude as/those dumplings offending/ass spanking/dick riding/cam whoring/spoiled cunts "Girl's day" have been recently/no offence.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Can't agree more, TVXQ times two is far greater than TVXQ times five. Take than, Maths.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Whoever thought making "Gwiyomi song 2" is a damn unoriginal, pathetic being/group of people.
    Unlike you, I can't fap to it... that means a lot, making Clara un-faptastic.

    I'm so angry now.

    ReplyDelete
  4. On this hot day
    Risso sounds appropriate
    for my alcoholic drink

    ReplyDelete
  5. Animated end logo
    from the Ice Cream Cake vid
    looks like a penis

    ReplyDelete
  6. "EXO - Love me Right: EXO and football / a bigger styling fail than / Martina's loose clothes"
    God, their football outfits were ridiculous. They are way too skinny and tiny for them. They just physically do not fit. And then they started DANCING in them.

    "4Minute - Crazy :The song G-Dragon / has been trying to write for the / last three years but can't"
    And 2NE1, for that matter.

    "Girl's Generation - Girl's Generation: Back when you could tell / which member was which just by / looking at their face"
    Shots fired.

    ReplyDelete
  7. FT Island's "Pray" / Is so good but/ Too bad they're gonna be buried for another 6 years

    ReplyDelete