I know that it is halfway through July, but fuck you, I have been in Japan, representing a number of idols without their knowledge to get the JAV industry to express interest. Jooheon will be posing in sexy lingerie within the next month, all thanks to my hard work. Anyway, here's the shit that happened in June.
'My House' (2PM)
With 2PM's stellar run of form in the past couple of years, it is a shame that "My House" doesn't reach the same giddy heights. Nevertheless, they continue to have one of the more impressive late-era surges with this funky song about taking you home and fucking you. This is particularly appealing, because I would happily fuck all of 2PM, who are possibly the best male group visually and the fact that they are a successful group means they have a bit of money lying around to treat me with. The song and video work together to make me fantasize about meeting 2PM at a high-class party then becoming the toy boy for all five of them. It is a situation straight out of a costume drama, but with far, far more explicit sex. I believe I have made it clear enough that 2PM are attractive gentlemen with whom I would very much like to copulate so I should talk about the song a bit. It's funky and actually grabbed my attention, unlike most of the music in June. That's all I can be bothered to say. Listen to the good song and think about banging Nichkhun; it's a great way to spend an afternoon.
'Prometheus' (Yankie feat. Dok2, Juvie Train, Double K, Rap Monster, Topbob, and Don Mills)
As a qualifier, I should add that Prometheus and the song I said was the best of June are fairly interchangeable. They are about as good as each other, and in the end, I gave it to the other song because I sucked Yankie's dick enough last month. Truth be told, this is better than either "Sold Out" or "Spell My Name Right," so I guess that when songs were good in June, the quality was higher. The month was just generally devoid of good songs, though. I love a good cypher track, and Prometheus is particularly effective because so many styles are blended on the same track. We have Dok2's staccato, machine gun flow followed by Juvie Train's over-pronunciation that serves him oddly well, even if his flow is shit. Yankie's verse is spat as a low growl with some interesting deviations from the beat, and it slowly intensifies. Double K builds his verse upon some solid internal rhyme, and it is followed by The Rap Man, who, oddly enough, has the best verse on the track. He immediately sounds completely at home, and his flow shifts at appropriate points to make it incredibly pleasant to listen to, even when one doesn't understand the lyrics. Topbob's verse is shit; you might as well turn off after Rap Monster. Don Mills does a decent job as a chorus guy, definitely a better job than he usually does as a rapper. The video is also of note for looking like it came out of an H.R. Giger fever dream. This is the highlight of Yankie's "Andre" album, which you should all get because it is infinitely superior to whatever the fuck else you are doing with your life.
'Sober' (BIGBANG)I can only assume that after seeing me praise "Sober," a user like No, 0vershade, or HAM IT UP YOU BLASPHEMOUS BEAUTY will kidnap me and kill me to ensure I never write an article again. After a few mediocre releases, and one horiffically poor one, "Sober" is the BIGBANG comeback we deserved. I am not a VIP. They have done too much shit to go with their good stuff for me to get into them, but my expectations of them are decent enough that I thought, of all the fucking releases they are having this year, one of them would be good. "Sober" is in the same vein as G-Dragon's "Crooked" in that it is a satisfying scream-along track, backed by some big instrumentation, which makes this into the only song that BIGBANG ha sreleased this year that felt worthy of the title "comeback." It also has identity, something that could be said for none of the other songs they have done, not if you remove the videos at least. This is unmistakably a BIGBANG song and is all the better for it. "Loser," "We Like 2 Party," and "Bang Bang Bang" failed because of how derivative they were; anyone could have fucking made them. The five old men of the K-Pop scene are finally carving out an appropriate niche for themselves; only took them 3 fucking months.
Look, Bangtan are far from the worst boy group out there. Once upon a time, I might have considered myself an ARMY. Those days are behind me now, but it hasn't stopped me from feeling disappointed with their most recent output. "I Need U" showed BTS going full B.A.P and releasing emotional bullshit, but it is "쩔어" that disappointed me the most. The saxophone in the chorus is the saving grace of a fucking stupid fake club jam made by a group of people who we are still supposed to buy as hardcore. They are pretty hot for the most part, but they forgot to bring a good song along like 2PM did. They clearly still have a lot to learn from their seniors. They should basically just re-release "Danger" every promotion cycle because that was where they peaked before their tragic fall from grace.
Making fun of emotional guitar songs is too easy. It is, in fact, so easy that it becomes relatively mind-numbing. I assure you that if you all put a zingy put-down in the comments section, they will all, for the most part, be true. Gimme what you've got, because this song is boring enough that it isn't worth a paragraph of vitriol.
'My Everything' (Bumkey)
June was a particularly great month for you if you liked boring RnB. I could have picked a lot of them to be honest, but "My Everything" is so devoid of any point of quality or interest that I decided to give it this prestigious title. Remember when Bumkey was in that really fucking great boy group? The music was fun, his voice fit it really well, and it had some fucking personality. Anyone could have shat out "My Everything." Fucking hell, I reckon I could have a crack at it (my voice isn't as good as his, but that will give my version some experimental flair). I hope I never have to hear this song again, though I am sure I will need to before the year is out to place it incredibly highly on the "worst of" list.
Most touching love story
'Um Ah Oh Yeah' (Mamamoo)
I am a sucker for good ol' fashioned romance. The addition of a beautiful love story into a narrative can increase the stakes and create more interesting characters. With the date rape concept, Mamamoo are truly proving that romance is not dead, and with the added twist of trans panic, they created a touching and sensitive tale of courtship for the ages. On another note, Moonbyul is really fucking hot, and more girl groups should do an androgyny concept because it would be fucking great.
Least amount of subtlety
'Shake It' (SISTAR)
And all the better for it.
Largest volume of white dudes
What a fantastic international class, which contains no black or hispanic people. Good effort, FNC. Maybe they included so many white dudes to give international fans false hope that one day they, too, could be in close proximity to any of AOA and make poor attempts to hit on them. You gotta pander to the internationals in some way, and AOA did it by creating the prospect of actually seeing Seolhyun's arse in real life. I am sure it inspired many people.
Most faptastic video
'Honey Summer' (NS Yoon G)
After stiff competition from AOA, Sistar, and 2PM, we have a winner. This was a pretty good month if you enjoy masturbation, to be honest, which makes this one of the more prestigious sub-awards ever presented in an honours list.
That's all I can be bothered with. The next honours list will also be slightly late as I am going to Serbia to get pissed on slivovitz. Have a great life.