Kim Hyun Joong celebration post

Hi caonimas!  As many of you may know, SS501 singer Kim Hyun Joong was recently found innocent of all those nasty domestic violence charges!  Courts can never be wrong, so this means that Kim Hyun Joong must be the great person that Kpopalypse always knew he was!  It's time for a celebration post!

AKF's Top 10 Idols Who Could Use Me As Their Vibrator

Recycling this picture again because it's still funny almost three years later.

I've had a few people on Twitter ask me what my bias list since I always like a bunch of new idols. I guess my top 10 of the new generation wasn't enough, and the old list is almost three years old with a lot of the idols on that list out of the game or just about to leave the game.

Here is the January 2014 list. I can tell you that Victoria isn't on the list because she's basically a Chinese actress at this point and is only fulfilling out her legal contract with SM until it expires. Jessica and Nicole are basically out of the game at this point (Jessica doesn't do much with music and what has Nicole done?), and Jooyeon is completely out of the game. So this list will look a lot different. Soyeon is not on the list because I realized I really only liked the 2009-2012 version of Soyeon.

The list is fancams and no text from here on out. I don't want the text to ruin your fap rhythms!

[MV Review] Got7 - "Hard Carry"

One of K-pop's better boy groups makes a pretty decent comeback.

Irene Loves Wendy's Ass

They just made the convo get MORE and MORE awkward lmao WHY😂pic.twitter.com/piq5iTWpQb

— j✿y (@teampied) September 24, 2016

Do you need any other reason to stan Irene?

Jieun - Bobby Doll

I've been waiting for a Jieun comeback for a while now after we got a few from Titsung in the past couple of years.

Crayon Pop - Doo Doo Shit

I made it five seconds. New record for me for the shortest time I've ever listened to a Kpop song. The beat that starts off the song is really, really awful, and knowing Crayon Pop's awful track record (FM aside), I knew I didn't want any more.

Healthy porn for men - deconstructing dog-whistle concepts in k-pop

Recently, a producer of the idol TV show "Produce 101" came out and openly admitted what I'd already known and had been telling people for years - that the show (and by implication, all idol groups with a similar theme) is basically jack-off material, or "healthy porn for men" as he describes it.  Several people were shocked - could this be true?  How come they hadn't noticed?  More importantly, how to identify this "healthy porn"?  Come on a journey with Kpopalypse into the world of dog-whistle concepts!

Fancam Appreciation DIA Edition - Chaeyeon and Yebin

Aw yeah.

NCT Dream - Chewing Gum

I really fucking hate this song. I tried listening to it three weeks ago when it came out, but I was so traumatized that I gave up after 30 seconds. Knowing that I had to spread the word about how awful this song is, three weeks later I'm listening to this song the whole way through. Can I make it?

DIA - Mr. Potter

Dear God,
Thank you for Chaeyeon and Yebin.
- Nayeon's Vibrator

Cheng Xiao's Pitch

Everyone remembers Jessica and Tiffany's pitches specifically for how...not so great they were. However I can see Cheng Xiao being known for how good hers was.

How AKF Ruined AOA - Part Two

[Author note: Enjoy these bite-sized fanfics so that I can post them more frequently during my business trips.]

Link to Part One.

The story so far: AKF had gone to Taiwan to have an orgy with Popu Lady, but he was raped by a fat prostitute that had every STD known to man. AKF tried committing suicide, but the Cyclops Overlord saved him. AKF then went to Korea to search for this mythical creature, but ended up getting sucked up in a f(x)/SNSD conspiracy plot with Kpopalypse that ended up with AKF blowing himself up, taking out Brave Brothers. AKF and Brave Brothers return to Earth, and AKF was on his journey of finding a replacement penis. At last, AKF found a match, but it was none other than Johnny Noh.

The Kpopalypse 2016 survey of caonima action – the results are in!

I'm far too lazy to repost the entire mammoth post here, but those of you who participated in and/or are interested in the results of the Kpopalyspe survey, click Qri for the results page!

Yuri x Seohyun - Secret

Yeah, I know, when everyone read the title of the subunit, they had hoped it was the first in a long series of SNSD JAV films. However, while it's not actual porn, this video features a lot of hair porn since this song doubles as a CF for Pantene.

Farewell

Kpop...

...kpop...

...kpop.

It has been a long and lovely road. I remember long ago, downloading songs from these new Jpop artists Hikaru Utada, Ayumi Hamasaki, and Mflo. On the same server I came across some tracks with new sorts of characters and a group called SES. I liked their music and some other music like it. "Oh My Love (Cyber Soul mix)" was my jam for a long time, and when I found videos of them I was entranced by how pretty they were, especially Eugene.

Yes dear, anything you want.

Technology and globalization was rather limited back then, so I kept a loose interest while focusing on other types of music, and unrelated became friends with some Koreans, which led to friendships with more Koreans for several years. Eventually, I saw Hyuna and she caught my interest, so I began watching Invincible Youth (some of the greatest television of all time) and got sucked right into the Kpop scene full force. It was a beautiful time for kpop, and having fallen for Hyomin on the show, I took a particular interest in T-ara.

This interest took me to a certain T-ara site, and there I decided to hang around in the chat room and became acquainted with some others, including those whom would go on to start this blog as a rebellion against the insanity of fangirls that we often contested with, and I joined very soon after. Ever since, kpop has been a true delight for me. I won't say it saved my life, but through some of the roughest times in my life, it must have saved my sanity with its unrelenting positivity and celebration of what makes us human. Surely, it is a much needed medicine for the high-pressure education system and many mind-numbing jobs throughout Korea.

Yet while I have continued to love kpop, my capacity to continue following it very closely and staying involved in the scene to know where everyone is at and make meaningful commentary has fallen off. I'm old now, I'm building a new life in a place far away from anything I ever knew, I'm learning Spanish, and I hope to be taking on much more than I have going on presently. It seems it is time to leave this scene to the hip kids who can properly keep up with it and the prolific non-kids like Kpopalypse who have an astonishing capacity for writing and found a way to make it work with their life.

Well, I don't want to drag this out too far. Goodbye my darlings.

Wagakki Band - Strong Fate

Wagakki Band has released a few songs this summer, but "Strong Fate" was my favorite by far. I think it's because of the melancholic chorus. This is one of the few slow songs by Wagakki Band that has really captivated me. I usually enjoy their fast songs a lot more, but for some reason, this is my favorite song of their's now.

Kpopalypse explains common song structures in k-pop

I'll post full results of the latest Kpopalypse survey later, but one of the big requests that is emerging is that people really want me to write a post about song structures in k-pop.  So, here it is!

Is Irene Even Real?

With the Russian Roulette promotions, I question whether Irene is an actual human or not.

Sunday Shitpost: Mina Edition

맞아 맞아 pic.twitter.com/MUnZs4sJ9o

— 미나야 (@Minayayayaya) September 10, 2016

Hm, I'm about to be busy packing clothes and getting ready to travel out of town for work. The scheduled posts will come out on Monday, Wednesday and Friday for the next few weeks. Starting in early October there will be a 30 post/30 day thing I'm running, so that should cover me for when I expect to be the busiest.

Anyway, Mina's cute as fuck, and just wanted to have one last final live post before I have to "bot post" for a month.

Why I Like Nayeon but not Tomomi Itano

@Seultoria I have no idea how you love Nayeon so much but fucking hate Tomomi.

— Asian Junkie (@asianjunkiecom) September 9, 2016

For anyone else wondering, read after the jump!

Sit on my Face, Nayeon

Turn me up to the highest setting and let me vibrate the hell out of you.

(I think today and tomorrow will be long days at work again and I'm still working on scheduled posts for the next 4-5 weeks since I'll only be home to write on the weekends.)

The Kpopalypse 2016 survey of caonima action

It's that time again - time for Kpopalypse to survey his readers!

If you feel like you're one of those who give a shit, feel free to click on the Qri below to be taken to the survey page!  Or if not, then don't!  Yay!

[MV Review] Red Velvet - "Russian Roulette" (Update)

SM has really been bringing it with their music (sans STATION)  this year.

Kpopalypse Nugu Alert Episode 21: Staz Of Man, Jaywon Jung, Sims

Kpopalypse is back to explore unknown Korean artists in another episode of the most unpopular eclectic series in k-pop blogging history, Kpopalypse Nugu Alert!

Read on and be entertained as Kpopalypse explores the depths of YouTube to find more music that you've probably never heard of!

I Just Can't Take Bobby Seriously

You kidding me?

Popu Lady for FHM

Good God, I love Popu Lady.

Brave Girls - Yoohoo

EUNJI IS BEST GIRL!

SM Fucks Over Seulgi

Don't you hate it when your bias gets fucked over in the styling department?

You make Irene look amazing as fuck and then leave Seulgi with this?!?! It looks like they scooped out pumpkin guts and then smeared it all over her head. They could have at least made the hairstyle salvageable.

Irene, We're Not Worthy

Jesus fucking Christ says it all.

Hwadog Lands First Leading Role

After her great acting caused T-ara to make more money than any other K-pop girl group, Ryu Hwadog gets her first leading role.

If it wasn't for the sympathy that she gets from Koreans (which means she is a great actress), there's no way someone as ugly as Hwadog could lead a drama. Just like in K-pop, looks are a major factor in dramas. No one is here to stan ugly people, and in order to export dramas to other countries, dramas want to portray Koreans as ridiculously good looking. Now Hwayoung will just have people wondering when the other members are going to eat her because of being a dog.

Great, now because of Hwadog, people are going to start asking me if I eat dogs again. Fuck you, Hwadog.