Clara Doesn't Want Seungri's Jizz

Clara rejected Seungri on a date before.

Saturday Shitfest #13

God damn, I keep forgetting to schedule these.

ANYWAY, EXO OPPARS WON MUSIC CORE, SO JUSTICE IS SERVED!

Remember, I'm streaming tonight at 6 PM EST/3 PM PST/Whatever the fucking time it is where you live, then around 8 PM or so Zaku and I will be dual streaming and shit...if he shows up.

KEU-RAE-YONG POP Wins #1

POP! POP! KEU-RAE-YONG POP! Crayon Pop popped EXO's win streak and EXOtics are going apeshit. This shit is why AKF exists, people.

Question of the Week 77

This week's question comes from an anonymous asker on my Ask.fm:
Fans always like to believe that their idols are all super nice and every fuck up is a misunderstanding; but people with braincells know that aint true. so my question is, which idols do you think are probably huge megabitches and assholes when the camera's off?

Thanks for your suggestion!

[MV Review] Seungri - Gotta Talk to U

God fucking bless Seungri and his prostitute-toweling ass for blessing us with this amazing comeback. If there's any YG song you listen to this year, make it this one.

The next rapper who should have joined the "Control" diss battle

This Cube rapper should have stepped-up and gotten involved in the recent Korean Hip Hop "Control" battle. He doesn't deserve to just be the (temporary replacement) featured rapper in G.NA's "Bananas" (way back then). He should have been performing his own song, yo.

Speaks for itself. He would kill it if he made his own track! Own the rest of the other mofo rappers in that battle. They ain't got shit on you, good sir. This guy has the sickest flow I've ever seen.  

Do you think his trainee contract was terminated after this clusterfuck?

What comes After School? Your education.

This blog was inspired partly by a fascinating comment that came through my ask.fm account last week:

AKF Livestream Featuring AKF + Dual Stream With Zaku

I will be streaming this Saturday (8/31) at 6 PM EST/3 PM PST. Yes, me. You've been asking for it, so I finally decided to test out my webcam and already did test runs.

I am very punctual, so I will start at 6 PM EST, maybe even a few minutes early. I still need to download OBS (the software Zaku uses during his livestream to show his screen) and fuck around with that.

I will have some structure to my livestream so as to not have that much dead time. Save your questions for the time slots.

6:00-6:20 Introduction, how I do things around here and other sites, where I find stuff
6:20-6:40 Answering questions
6:40-7:10 MS Paint tutorial, live MV review(s), live process of writing an article
7:10-7:30 Answering questions
~7:40-whenever - Dual stream with Zaku on Google Hangout


Link to the livestream.

What bothers me about most boy band music videos

Rarely do we see a wonderfully made music video that has an engaging storyline, good acting, meaningful lyrics, and beautiful music (also read: pretty much only Davichi does this in the Korean music industry). Even rarer do we see a music video that actually makes sense (*cough* barely one fourth of the music videos released in this world). Quite often most companies (whether rich or poor) do the generic close ups, showcase two sets of outfits, and film "our favourite" dancing-in-a-box scenes in all of the cookie-cutter videos.

But what bothers me most is when boy bands are specifically given a storyline like this:

2NE1 Destroys Nurse and School Girl Fetishes

Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 38

This week's photo comes from an anonymous asker on my ask.fm:

Thank you for your submission!

~*~*~

That whore, Krystal. How dare she touch another boy from the same company. Well, we netizens always knew that Krystal was a bitch. What a slut! Touching Taemin AND THEN KAI. Like some harlot. Gawd. Woman be thirsty as shit. Gurl, she has no right to be feeling up YOUR Kai.


If anyone has submissions for future Stupid Things Fangirls Utter, please send them to zomg.oppa.sareanghae@gmail.com, tweet them to akf_shinbi, ask them at http://ask.fm/akfshinbi, or leave them in the comment section below. Thank you!

Your bias gets INFINITE amounts of pussy

It's no secret that as k-pop's stock has risen globally, there are more young people in Korea than ever before striving to become idols, and that it's a ridiculously competitive industry where something like 0.01% of hopefuls will ever get anywhere close to their dream.  What would inspire such fierce competition, especially in the case of the male groups?  Surely not ego given how much new idol groups are despised, and certainly not money given that even many of the top stars have a bank balance in the negative.  So what does that leave?

Answer: the same thing that inspires just about everything else that men do.

Saturday Shitfest #12

Today's Shitfest is going to be started with the diss tracks between E-Sens and Gaeko. Yes, get your popcorn gifs ready, bitches.

E-Sens - You Can't Control Me

Gaeko - I Can Control You

Oh yeah, Zaku should be streaming tonight. You know, if he actually tells people he's streaming instead of waiting an hour after the start time to tell people that he isn't streaming.

[MV Review] Sunmi - 24 Hours Aren't Enough

Sunmi returns after four long years as a sex-crazed girl who just really wants The D. Badly. If this is Sunmi's apology for being replaced by Lim, apology accepted. It was bad enough that Sunmi, my favorite member of the Wonder Girls, left the group, but it was as if JYP hired a large dump truck full of salt to pour into a gaping wound when Lim was put in the group to replace Sunmi. Lim rivals Hyoyeon, Bom, and Hyorin in the number of renobs caused since 2010, and to make matters worse, Lim thinks she can rap.

Question of the Week 76

This week's question comes from an anonymous asker on my Ask.fm:
Which idols do you think are mentally disturbed?

Thanks for your suggestion!

Cambodian Ring Ding Dong

As if the original wasn't bad enough, there's....this. Hey, at least the rapping is better and the dude singing at 2:37 doesn't sound like a dinosaur mid-climax.

I have to give these guys props, though. They trolled SHINee for views and to piss Shawols off, and it's easy to say they succeeded with 1700 dislikes and only receiving 431 likes. I'm assuming the 431 people that liked this must have really laughed their asses off.

Thanks to ziodonato for the tip.

[MV Review] 2NE1 - Do You Love Me

Late as usual, but oh well. If 2NE1 can half-ass an MV, I can half-ass my way through my article schedules. Heh.

Stuck in my Head ~ Song of the Day 6

So I just came back from my vacation and found out that Brown Eyed Girls, a group I thoroughly enjoy, recently released their latest single, "Kill Bill".

Although it did not attract me immediately, I thought it was a pretty nice song. Worth a listen (I think). I find that the dance really brings me in though. I found that sexy hip thrusting at the beginning to be quite hot. BUT THEY GOT RID OF THAT PART IN ALL OF THE LIVE PERFORMANCES. WHATEVER MAN.

But the song that I actually wanted to share here with you FISHies today was "Attraction" by BUMKEY featuring Dynamic Duo (which I inadvertently found while watching the Brown Eyed Girls' music video).

Do EXO have the ability to fix up their own batshit crazy fandom? Of course they do.

"Our school system trains kids to be ignorant, with style - functional ignoramuses.  They do not equip students to deal with things like logic; they don't give them the criteria by which to judge between good and bad in any product or situation.  They are groomed and launched to function as mindless buying machines for the products and concepts of a multinational military-industrial complex that needs a World Of Dumbells to survive." - Frank Zappa, from "The Real Frank Zappa Book".

Relevant part: oh wait these are fangirls, there is no "relevant part"

Boner Time Presented By Hwang Jung Eum

Saturday Shitfest #11

ZAKU IS STREAMING TONIGHT. YOU KNOW, AT THE SAME TIME WE HAVE BEEN STREAMING EVERY WEEK.

T-ae wants some cock........... tail.

Trufax: my first exposure to the word "netizens" was through the title of this video:

I thought "this video is pretty tame, really - what's a 'netizen' anyway, is that some kind of slang for an ultra-sexually conservative Internet censorship body who should be pushed under a bus and forgotten about?".  Little did I know how close to the truth that initial thought was.

Far more importantly though (because netizens are never important), this video was also my first exposure to Rania.

Why We Should Be Envious Of Won Bin

 

That's enough reason to be envious of Won Bin, no? Well, it gets worse.

m-flo Neven Album Review

You remember that poll I had a couple of months ago asking the readers which album I should review? The majority wanted me to review EXO or EXO and m-flo....but I just couldn't bring myself to downloading EXO's album and actually listening to it. What crime did my computer commit to have that filth downloaded onto it? Exactly, which is why I can't review EXO's album. I had a hard enough time getting through "Oolf", so I don't see how I'd actually listen to the whole album without hanging myself by my fucking nuts. On the other hand, there were enough people interested in the m-flo review, so here we go.

Taeyang Performs With m-flo At A-Nation

So, Taeyang got to perform with m-flo at A Nation, performing one of the best Jpop songs of all time.

Welp, you know it doesn't end well, don't you.

The Crayon Pop fanboy cull

Picture this.

You're a young guy in high school and you've been a closet k-pop fanboy for a while now. Sure, you talk about it in forums while trolling under the safety of your anonymous handle "Taeyeonfap" but in your actual real life where you're significantly more chickenshit, nobody knows yet, and you're not sure when or even if you're going to tell them. It's been easy to hide from your parents - they tend to stay out of your bedroom since you've hit puberty, they only ever enter to change the clothing and the sheets, so they know from the stains exactly how much fapping is going on and are understandably not wanting to walk in on a "session".  Sure, they see the SNSD poster you put up but mixed in with all the Sports Illustrated bikini girls they don't really stick out, and you're listening to music mainly with headphones these days so you don't have to hear "TURN IT DOOOOOWN" from your annoying brother who doesn't even care what you listen to because he's into some bullshit music where they have no talent and scream all the time and you can't even hear the words - who actually listens to that shit, you wonder.  So it's not like anyone's in danger of busting you.

All is going well in your life, with your k-pop fetish remaining nicely undercover, until one day in the middle of science class, one of these slips out of your bag.

Nari instructs you so good

I ain't gotta write shit.

Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 37

This week's photo comes from Christy:

Thank you for your submission!

~*~*~

I do not know where to start.

In a 5 word sentence, he or she made 3 mistakes. That is a fail. A 40% pass and 60% fail on an English examination. You are probably not Asian. Or wait. Maybe you are Asian and that is the problem here.

S/he even screwed up the heart symbol. How do you fuck that up? It is a 'less than' symbol and the number 3. I guess I am giving him/her too much credit though since s/he probably does not know what a 'less than' symbol is since she cannot even use 'than' properly. Here. Take this shit to heart: http://www.wikihow.com/Use-Than-and-Then. 'THEN' is for a sequence of events. 'THAN' is for comparison. (hehe, 'Than". If any of you watch The Most Popular Girls in School, you will know what I am talking about). Unless you honestly meant something along the lines of: Zelo is good, and then Eminem comes second. WHICH IS STILL WRONG IN ANY LANGUAGE. 

I am going to embody Google here and ask: Did you mean "Zelo is better than Eminem ^^ <3" you stupid bitch?

T-ara shows why qipaos are jjangbak

Eunjunf, iku iku.

Saturday Shitfest #10

Kara is my favorite idol group, but there is a good reason as to why I had no idea this song/MV came out. I hate their Japanese discography more than a uber right-wing nationalistic Korean hates admitting that he faps to Japanese porn.

Oh yeah, since some people have complained that we didn't let enough people know about Zaku's livestream last week, Kpopalypse oppar is livestreaming tonight at 5 PM PST/whatever the fucking time it is where you live, as previously mentioned in his article from just a few days ago.

Kahi is trying her best to stay relevant

What do you do when your career is going down the toilet faster than turds being flushed down at turbo speeds? Post selcas of your abs! Of course, Kahi has been known for her abs for years since she has little else to offer to Kpop.

Fans who commented left responses such as "Wow, I'm a man and Kahi has better abs than I do", "Does this make Kahi a man?", "I'll bet 10,000 won that Kahi has a penis", "Dude, look at Kahi's jaw. Definitely a man, or at least a transsexual who couldn't afford to shave its jaw" and more.

2NE1's Double Park rode the subway to work

Yes, this is considered news. It's not like there are articles about me driving my car to college and hoping I don't get mugged every day.

In other important news, I took a shit this morning. However, I didn't upload a pic of the aforementioned dump, instead I proceeded to wash my hands and go on with my day instead of making a story out of something so banal.

Honestly, knowing Korean entertainment media, I'm surprised there hasn't been a story of a celebrity taking a dump.

Knee Drop Guru Canceled

What was once a funny show became utter crap after Kang Ho Dong returned from retirement. I read the news via allkpop. While I wasn't an avid watcher of the show, one of the episodes remains one of my favorite episodes in all of Korean variety, with this scene being my favorite.



For those of you expecting me to write about EXOtics being banned from Inkigayo and Sunmi returning, I will...eventually. I just found out about both incidents this morning.

KPOPALYPSE LIVE STREAM - reminder

Just a quick reminder that the KPOPALYPSE LIVE STREAM is ON like DONKEY KONG, this weekend!

Zen and the art of not being a complete fuckhead, k-pop style

A true story:

Last year, I was on tour with my band, driving my piece of shit Mitsubishi stationwagon down the highway in Victoria, Australia, to some tin shed that myself and my musical combo were going to spend the night.   I noticed that we were nearly out of fuel, so we pulled into a country petrol station.  As we were filling up petrol, a queue of cars started to form behind us.  We went into the service station, paid for petrol and some dreaded "road food" and we went back to my car.  Just when we had almost gotten ourselves in and were about to leave anyway, I was stopped by some guy old enough to be my grandfather (and I'm not a young guy so you know this guy was seriously old), who got out of one of the cars behind us, and walked up to me especially to say something like "can't you get a move on?  There's about half a dozen cars waiting behind you, you know!".  My response to this person was "we're done when we're done, I'm sorry but you're all just going to have to wait.  We're getting out of here in a second anyway.  What's wrong with you younger generation anyway, can't you be a bit patient?"  He then went back to his car and shut the fuck up, and we got the hell out of there when we were good and ready, and not a second before.

What a cuntbreath.  Can't he wait ten seconds for us to get in the car without running his mouth like a little bitch?  Anyway, today when reading about the latest G-Dragon controversy, it occurred to me that this random petrol station fuckbrain has a lot in common with every k-pop fan ever.

Stupid Things Fangirls Utter 36

This week's photo comes from Cedric:

Thank you for your submission!

your very own kpop coloring book

Ever seen a picture of your favorite k-pop idol and you thought, "Why is that shit green? It'd be much better red, or purple, or black." Well now you can achieve your wildest dreams! With this patented "Thing-that-makes-stuff-black-and-white" you can make any and all of your favorite k-pop idols be wearing blackface all the time!

Why does CL have skeleton fingers? Who cares!?

Saturday Shitfest #9

 

Ailee is set to make her Japanese debut next month. Sounds like a bad idea to me, unless Ailee learns to start squealing when she sings about tentacle monsters.

Just a reminder, Zaku will be livestreaming again tonight at 5 PM PST (-7 GMT).

The GD Instagram "Scandal" -- More Evidence of Fangirls Using Confirmation Bias to Prove Stupid Shit

I had to throw my 2 cents in here because fangirls are getting especially retarded, and with all the traffic hitting this article, I might as well write up a response to it all. That, and I'm fucking pissed at all the idiocy spiraling around this case.

[NSFW] Lord Have Mercy on Us All

WHY PARK BOM WHY

WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF

I WARNED YOU THIS WASN'T SAFE FOR WORK

The Twerkvasion Continues

THE DAY HAS FINALLY COME.

Twerk Queen Min opened the gates for her people, now we get the first ever OFFICIAL KPop twerking concept.

A lot more after the jump.

G-Drayvon Martin

What's the difference between G-Dragon and a black stool? A black stool alerts you to go to a doctor right away while G-Dragon prompts some "brothas" to lynch his ass. Aside from that, they're both pieces of shit that are colored black.

You say "hnnnngh", I say "haeeeein"

I don't mind admitting it - I liked Gangkiz.  The "Lovey Dovey" rip off "Honey Honey" was great, and the spaghetti western-influenced "Mama" was even better - it actually captured underrated pop/soundtrack producer Ennio Morricone's melodic and harmonic choices instead of just lifting his most well-known sound effects and square-pegging them into the round hole of k-pop melody, rhythm and harmony (most recent example of the latter: BEG's "Kill Bill").  Sure, they were just a bunch of models, they sunk like a stone commercially, their CEO is nuts, but like I give a fuck about any of that stuff if the songs are this good.  All that other shit is their problem, not mine.  Maybe no-one else bought that "Mama" mini-album but I SURE DID (ask me to show you on the stream next weekend, you know you want to), and I was sad when most of the members then (understandably) flew the coop.

Oh look, I just typed out a whole paragraph about Gang Kiz without mentioning Haein's boobs.  What was I thinking.