Friday, December 25, 2015

Kpopalypse's review of 2015's cunt-gargling Christmas k-pop trash

Christmas is here, and your Christmas present from Kpopalypse has arrived!  It's time to round up all of the shitty k-pop Christmas songs that were released this year!

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A few rules before we start, because I know you guys love rules:
  • Songs will be presented in chronological order of release date of the video.
  • Only 2015 Christmas songs with MVs are considered for this list, songs without MVs are spared out of mercy.
  • Must be original Korean songs or at least non-original songs that I'm not familiar with enough to recognise, covers of popular western Christmas songs and carols are not eligible, unless I decide to include them anyway just to be a cunt.
  • "Winter comebacks" without Christmas content don't count!  Where I live Christmas comes with desert heat so stop being a culturally insensitive fuckhead who thinks that snow automatically equals Christmas.  The song actually has to have Christmas content to count as a Christmas song.  Lyrically mentioning Christmas counts, as does Christmas decorations in the video, or at least something besides fucking snow, fuck.
  • No ratings, because it goes without saying that you should not subject your ears to any of this garbage.
Now we have a complete understanding of the criteria, let's get started!  I'm sure I missed out a video or two in the following list but it's probably all for the best so please don't alert me to any omissions or link any more videos because nobody cares.

November 22nd - GOT7 - Confession Song





If you're a Korean schoolgirl and two masked men barge into your class and try to grab you, common sense suggests that you should probably start running.  They might be about to rape and kill you and leave your body floating down the Han river, or on the other hand if you're really unlucky they might take you into GOT7's secret gym where boy group members molest you and sing and rap horrible sickening Christmas love songs in your ear without even any lipsync to cushion the blow.  In an absolute worst-case scenario, after the excruciating singing ordeal is over they might set up some ugly guy in your class to reveal his identity and confess his true to love to you, and girl you better not fucking turn him down even if you think the dude is gross because you don't want to break the Christmas spirit and look like a fucking bitch in a GOT7 video, now do you.  If he's not your type that's just too fucking bad, at least wait until the cameras stop rolling before you tell him you'd rather just be friends.

November 23rd - The Barberettes - Lonesome Christmas





As it's well-documented that I like doo-wop influences in k-pop, logic dictates that I should like The Barberettes, a Korean doo-wop girl group, right?  The Barberettes obviously have doo-wop skills to burn and sound just fucking fantastic when they're doing other people's songs, however their original material is all consistently flat, dull, boring as batshit and contains absolutely zero of the spark and energy that made the better songs from the original 1950s doo-wop movement great.  This Christmas song of theirs isn't any exception to the rule, being snoozeworthy even by Barberettes standards, and even the guy in the video would clearly rather be staring out the window, playing with his mobile phone or falling asleep while eating shitty pot noodles than listening to this bullshit.

December 1st - Starship Planet - Softly





Starship Entertainment's CEO as a child must have been that annoying kid who always sets the alarm for one minute past midnight on Christmas morning so he can go into his parents' bedroom, interrupt their anal sex and annoyingly ask them if it's okay to open the presents yet, as Starship are always bright and early hopping on board as soon as they can with the Christmas bullshit collaboration train each year.  This video is pointlessly letterboxed for no obvious reason which means that you get to see only 40% of the Christmas cringe that you otherwise would, the rest of the video being taken up with two relatively appealing black rectangles, but this also means only 40% of Hyolyn and Bora's tits and ass make the cut.  Since the song is obviously crap there's no other reason for fans to be watching this, so Starship now owe us 60% extra fap.  I guess they'll make up with their next hideous "summer comeback" in six months where Sistar's spray-tanned asses will be falling out of the bottom of cut-off jeans and short-shorts again.

December 3rd - Girls' Generation TaeTiSeo - Dear Santa





When giving gifts this year, remember that the best gift isn't just the one that the recipient wants the most, or even the one that you enjoy giving the most - it's the gift which is the most needed which is the best gift.  This truism isn't lost on the young boy in this video, who daring braves both his eardrums and sanity to break in on a TaeTiSeo Christmas vocal practice wanking session and hand the girls an invitation to lift up the fucking pace a bit and do something resembling actual proper music someone might conceivably want to listen to one day.  At 1.25 the girls respond to his invite appropriately and like magic the song's quality is lifted from "stunningly shithouse egocentric vocal masturbation in your face" level to "typically below-average boring Christmas crap" level.  From there it's the usual routine of sleigh-bells, crappy outfits, Tiffany's cringeworthy English and awkwardly shoehorned product placement that you're expecting.  Everyshot app is my best friend, is Everyshot app your best friend?  Awful as it obviously is, it's still the best thing with the SNSD brand to come out this year.  It's been that kind of a year for them.

December 9th - Younha - Bluff





Christmas songs are getting sneakier and sneakier.  Since everybody knows that they're all fucking crap, now agencies are trying a new tactic - the subliminal Christmas song which has all the elements of Christmas sneakily played down yet lurking in the background, but remains the usual ballad garbage anyway with exactly the same musical characteristcs.  "Bluff" initially may not seem like a Christmas song at all, but then at 2:50 the music video reveals its true colours with a tinsel wreath swaying gently on a door like a IU fan hoisted into a noose and left dangling by a deranged netizen lynch mob, as if we weren't going to notice that.  I guess Younha and her agency actually want people to listen to this generic ballad slop after December 25th, and I'd happily say "fat chance" but to be honest this tactic will probably work a treat given the way Korea laps up musical garbage.  "Bluff", indeed.

December 10th - Solar (Mamamoo) - Only Longing Grow





My longing for some decent fucking music certainly only grew after listening to this utter shit.  Another song which keeps the Christmas content light and breezy in the hope that you'll stop puking tinsel long enough to listen to the damn thing, Mamamoo's Solar proves that she's a pretty girl with a nice voice who can make music just as boring as the best vocalists out there.  It's exactly the same as any awful western Christmas ballad tripe only even less catchy, and tellingly the most interesting moment comes right at the end of the song when the piano does a little bit of "Joy To The World" which is also a shit song but still a million times better than this trash.  Not a single k-pop fan would listen to this poo if it was released on Barry Manilow's Christmas album and honestly that's where music like this belongs.  To legally listen to this you should be over 70 and have photo ID.

December 11th - Girls' Generation TaeTiSeo - Winter Story





Well aren't Girls' Generation's TaeTiSeo subunit a bunch of cunts.  Clearly concerned that "Dear Santa" might just be a little too excitable and upbeat in the main body of the song after that horrid sleepytime R&B vocal wank intro for fuckheads, here they come again with a full song of balladeering because too much quality music at Christmas time might get geriatric k-pop fans all fired up and get the blood flowing and the adrenaline pumping then their fucking pacemakers might fail... oh wait, it's young people with their life still ahead of them that listen to this?  Well fuck me.  TaeTiSeo keep things nice and basic for all you 18 year olds with 88 year old music taste, turning some shit Christmas song that already sucked a rainwater tank full of jizz into a generic soundalike of Extreme's "More Than Words", because nothing says Christmas like stupid hair metal bands turning to ballads so they can get on the charts.  I especially love how Tiffany says "take one" at the start of the song, insinuating that they did actually nail this song on the very first attempt and didn't make any fuckups, even though it's all actually prerecorded in the studio and then mimed anyway (you don't get this sort of audio fidelity from five people sitting in a room with unplugged guitars and singing with no microphones anywhere near them).  In any event the real fuckup is obviously that this song exists at all, maybe it really is "take one" because who the fuck would want to sing this garbage twice.

December 14th - Jelly Christmas (Jellyfish Entertainment) - Love Fireplace





You might think wood fires are all cozy and warm and in keeping with the Christmas spirit but did you know that wood heaters totally fuck the environment right up the ass?  The town of Launceston in Tasmania, Australia is small with a population of around 100,000 people yet it was one of Australia's most polluted cities years ago purely because of wood heating.  The town actually managed to improve their air quality by 40% and prevent approximately 30 pollution-related deaths per year solely by getting rid of the fucking wood burners in people's houses.  Burning wood might smell nice, but we westerners with our Internets and fast-paced societies rely on trees to absorb all the toxic shit we spew out into the world during our mad rush to consume every last natural resource ever, and when you burn the wood you release that same crap back out into the atmosphere and before you know it toxic chemicals like benzene, formaldehyde and benzo-a-pyrene are all up in your body giving you terminal ass cancer.  Korean MV directors of course don't care about any of this, because environment be damned there's money to be made, and maybe you don't care either because maybe you're an old fuck like me who is probably going to die before the real global environment-related shit starts hitting the fan - but you're still welcome to hate this song just because the music sucks.

December 14th - Lee Moonsae, Roy Kim ft Hanhae - This Christmas





How much does this Christmas song suck dick?  Let us count the ways:
  • "Happy Christmas, yo" intro
  • Refusal of any of the artists to actually physically appear in the MV because they don't want to die of embarrassment
  • Lyrics appearing on screen karaoke-style just to drive it home that this is as thoughtlessly-made as the average karaoke video
  • Christmas decorations hiding polluted cityscapes in the background
  • Robots seriously wtf
  • Roy Kim
  • Obligatory rap verse
  • Boring mid-paced pop/funk like everything these days
Verily, it doth suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

December 17th - UV - Roasted Clam





I've never been able to work out why this is the case, but there's a big tradition in Australia of eating prawns... at Christmas time only.  (Not "shrimp" - Paul Hogan's iconic "shrimp on the barbie" line was made purely for tourist export - Australians don't call them shrimp and we very rarely barbeque them because the little fucking things are fiddly as shit and they tend to fall down the gaps in the barbeque grill and it's equally as difficult to get them to stay put on a skewer.  We don't drink stupid Fosters beer either - EVER.)   Maybe it's only because we can afford the expensive little shits once per year, or maybe it's because fresh shriPRAWNS are only in season in Australia in December and the imported off-season dodgy-as-fuck frozen slave labour ones taste like shit in a can.  I honestly have no idea of the true reason.  However, what I can tell you for sure is that the moment in UV's "Roasted Clam" at 1:08 where one of the guys on the group pretends that the prawn is his fucking shriveled tiny cock is not only the most Christmas-like moment of this video, but in all of k-pop Christmas MV making since people began making them.  It really warmed the soul to see this touching moment and it could only have been made better if the song was something cool from UV instead of the usual Christmas ballad trash we've all heard before a million times.

December 17th - Dickpunks - Remember You





I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but Christmas in Korea is primarily thought of as a "couples holiday" where people who are partnered up use the time to buy each other shit, go for long walks in the park, propose marriage, and generally act all sweet and nice to each other in public.  Human garbage like the worthless scum who comment on Nate and Naver (and that international k-pop fans think the opinion of these dullards is oh-so-relevant even though what's being translated is basically the Korean equivalent of YouTube comments) can't stand this of course, because it reinforces their own loneliness - none of them could hold down a relationship to save themselves because no rational human being would date someone as revolting as a Korean netizen.  Dickpunks illustrate the plight of one such netizen who goes out and buys gifts for his crush, which she really enjoys... until the end of the video where she tells him that she discovered he upvoted comments on Nate about how he was disappointed in IU, upon which she rightly scorns him and fades out of his life.  The lesson: all the money, flowers and jewelry in the world can't buy you love if you're a netizen fuckhead, because nobody wants to date a cyberbullying piece of shit.  Just so netizens globally actually do sit through all of this video and absorb this important message, Dickpunks have been careful to make the music as boring and middle-of-the-road as possible so it would appeal to their crappy ultra-conservative music taste and thus keep them watching, which is very thoughtful and clever.

December 20th - April - Snowman





Oh look it's the group with that girl in it younger than Dani but who nobody complains about or calls DSP's CEO a pedo over even though in this video all the girls are in bed together like some creepy underage lesbian porn.  I guess k-pop fans will let it slide because they only like to cyberbully young girls when it's trendy... and the trend of bullying April hasn't really kicked off yet (give it time).  Obviously this song is shit but it's actually better than everything else on this list, probably because musically it's just like any other boring average dull k-pop girl song rather than going for the typical shithouse carolesque melodies or super-soft balladeering that has sunk every other song on this list deep down into the bottom of the tinsel barrel of stale jizz.

December 23rd - BTS - Run (Christmas version)





Fuck it, why even try?  BTS have the right idea.  It's only some imported shitty holiday, nobody cares - just throw a fucking Santa hat on, sing your latest comeback again and call it a Christmas version this time.  BTS did this one so quickly and thoughtlessly that they didn't even bother to adjust their reindeer antlers so they fit properly.  Fans of BTS will love this as you get all up close and personal with the members to the point where you can pretty much reach out with a tissue and wipe off their 23 excess layers of BB cream, plus you get to see them act all "spontaneous" and "fun" in that k-pop agency rubber-stamped way which doesn't involve any actual spontaneity or fun but long-time Kpopalypse readers should be educated enough by now to accept that these things don't actually exist for k-pop employees in 2015.  The song is strictly average all the way, with nothing whatsoever notable about it, which puts it in exactly the same boat as the April song, and the only reason why I like the April song maybe about 0.00001% more is that I didn't already hear it and get bored of it a month ago.

December 23rd - Secret - 2015 Christmas message





I don't usually include these stupid Christmas message things in these lists but this one has a dance at the end and damn they look better in it than they have at any time since "Shy Boy".  Now all someone just needs to do is give them a decent song again one day.  I guess TS Entertainment missed the opportunity to give then the Christmas gift of music that doesn't suck, so maybe they can save that particular present for one of the girls' birthdays.

December 23rd - Chris Jung - Sad Christmas





Why try indeed.  Chris Jung doesn't give a fuck about spending any money at all and has just thrown a snow filter over some postcards, yay cunt.  Notably Seoul isn't a very highly featured city in the postcards, I guess this guy doesn't want people to know where he lives and that's fair enough, I'd be in hiding too after releasing crap like this into the world.  If one of these cities gets nuked in the near future, you know why - they were looking for Chris Jung and playing process of elimination.

December 23rd - In The Moon - Christmas Rain (Love Me Tonight)





In this video for this absolutely generic and standard ballad that sounds like just every other ballad everywhere ever, the female protagonist does the following:
  • Walks to the top of a very small (paved) hill and spins around a bit, going "wow it's a hill!  Isn't nature grand!"
  • Plays team sports without any of the right equipment, or anyone to play with
  • Looks at cheap $2 glass crystals hanging in a store and smiles like they're the most fascinating thing ever
  • Waits at a train station grinning at nothing like that autistic guy who is always on the train you catch
  • Wanders around in the snow like she's never seen snow before (okay this one would be normal if she lived where I do)
These seem like unusual activities however people experienced in dealing with drug users will tell you that they are pretty standard behaviours for people who are baked out of their fucking skull.  I think I've just found Korea's equivalent of Stoner Sloth.  In any event I'm pretty sure I know what's in that box she's holding at the end.

December 24th - Nine Muses - Santa Baby





You can always tell the Christmas videos that agencies have left to the very last minute to create not just by their release date but also because the music videos are consistently lazy as fuck.  Believe it or not this is the official music video on the Nine Muses channel and not a fanmade fap picture collection.  They didn't even bother to fix the fucking aspect ratio on half of these pictures, diluting both the professionalism and the fap value significantly.  This makes Star Empire the k-pop agency version of that idiot you live with who got himself an amazing new widescreen TV and craps on and on about the amazing picture quality and what a great investment the TV was but is too dim to notice everything's all squished and couldn't be bothered taking the five seconds to learn how to use his expensive new toy that he's so fucking proud of well enough to fix the issue.  I know that this song is a cover of some supermarket-background-music trash but I just wanted to end this list with some hot girls.  Don't judge me... well, okay you can if you want (and no doubt will) but I don't care.



That's the end of the Kpopalypse Christmas roundup for another year, merry Christmas to all!  Hopefully you enjoyed this list, and hopefully you were smart enough to not click on any of the videos!  The Christmas roundup will return in 2016!

xmas2015foot

6 comments:

  1. I actually liked BoA's and f(x)'s Christmas songs this year. It's funny how SM made MVs for the worst Christmas song from one of their groups.

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  2. Well... at least Dasom was nice to look at.

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  3. I thought exo's comeback was a Christmas song,too but oh well.

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    Replies
    1. It's a "winter song" as far as I can tell (see the intro)

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  4. The nine muses MV.. When someone shared it somewhere on the internet I actually thought it was fanmade and ignored it..

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  5. What a shitshow.

    But at least TaeTiSeo looked hot in the first video.

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