This short list will probably upset some people, but hey, shit happens. If you think you can handle it, read on!
People seem to get a bit upset when I don't adore their k-pop biases. I don't know why - they should be happy instead, that they're not having to compete with me for these girls' attentions, but there's no telling some folks when they're on a good thing, people will still bitch and moan. These are only my opinions on female beauty (or lack thereof), it's not like I'm anyone important or even that I'm writing about anything important, you're completely allowed to disagree with what some idiot blogger thinks about some irrelevant crap you know. It's also not a complete list, it's not meant to be, so if I left anyone out it's on purpose. Anyway, enough of the disclaimers for weak-minded fucks, all aboard the objectification train! Let's get started with none other than:
CL - 2NE1
Contrary to popular belief, I'm no 2NE1 hater, I own several of their CDs and their great "Nolza" live DVD which is one of the only decent female k-pop live concert videos in existence, and I have lots of time for their better early material. It's not the girls' fault that they get shit songs now, I blame Teddy for that. In fact I'd single out "Ugly" as one of 2NE1's better songs and everybody who likes k-pop should listen to it.
Hearing CL sing "I think I'm ugly / and nobody wants to love me / just like her I wanna be pretty / don't lie to my face / telling me I'm pretty" is one of the most unflinchingly raw and honest moments in a genre that is generally not known for honesty across the board. Who can fail to empathise? Don't worry CL, Kpopalypse respects your feelings as a woman and a human and won't lie to you.
KRYSTAL - f(x)
Sister of fashionista SNSD refugee Jessica who everybody loves, Krystal just like ex-groupmate cao ni ma Sulli is a smart girl who knows what's up. Krystal is under no illusions about k-pop and impressing anybody, she knows she's nothing special without makeup, so does Jessica, and so do I.
Look at the fucking difference, it's like chalk and cheese. Krystal has an incredibly common appearance, I could go for a walk around my block and find five girls who look just like Krystal but more attractive versions. Don't ask for photos or to move to where I live, it's not my fault you live in fugly town where the girls aren't even at Krystal's level.
AMBER - f(x)
Actually Amber looks okay here. And stop picking on her appearance, you mean, nasty people, Amber has had a gutful of your shit. That's one thing you'll never see Kpopalypse do, is pick on people's appearances. She's just being herself, man. Moving on.
SUZY - miss A
I've got lots of time for Suzy as a person, she seems like someone with the right attitude to life. Pity that she looks about as interesting as pastel wallpaper in a hotel room. Fuck she's so boring to look at, I can't even think up any good jokes about it because I can feel my passion for everything about existence turning into a uniform mush of grey nothingness inside my skull with each second I spend staring at Suzy's face.
No wonder Korea is in love with her, Koreans love dull things like Propofol abuse, Busker Busker and doing overtime at the office while twiddling their thumbs, so I can see how appreciating Suzy's looks would fit right into that frame of thinking.
YERIN - 15&
Everyone knows Park Jimin is the hot one in 15&. Yerin, you're just in the way of my fap, please stop taking up 50% of the camera time in this group's videos thank you.
DARA - 2NE1
At first I was confused about why Dara was in 2NE1 at all. She can't really do anything special, she doesn't look any good, I thought to myself that surely she's 2NE1's post turtle.
Then I found out that she's really popular for hair and makeup endorsements, and everything clicked into place. Makeup artists and stylists prefer to work with a clean slate - someone with as bland and unremarkable a look as humanly possible, so they can accurately assess and demonstrate the true transformative value of their products. If you're a girl buying makeup and Dara is endorsing it, I'd definitely consider that a worthy recommendation. If it can make her look acceptable, it's powerful stuff that's worth every penny.
HWAYOUNG - ex T-ARA
...and boy, she won't let you forget it, parading around in the media every time T-ara look like they're about to have a comeback, desperately trying to catch any reflected sprinkles of fame in her cleavage. I take back what I said earlier - I guess personality is important for this list after all.
HAERI - Davichi
There's a cruel trick that girls play on each other where a moderately attractive woman will make a best friend out of a girl who she knows is a little bit uglier than she is, and she'll invite her out clubbing and double-dating together trying to meet prospective partners (guys do this too, but less often). The more attractive woman does better in the pickup game because she's got someone uglier directly in tow for people to contrast and compare her with, as opposed to the guys instead potentially comparing her (perhaps less favourably) to other people who might also be in the room. You'll know if this is happening to you if you always go out on town with a friend as your wingperson to "help you meet people" and they consistently see lots of action and you never see any.
You can ask Haeri about that, Minkyung's been doing that shit to her in public for years. Word of advice Haeri - cut that sneaky minx loose. Don't be seen together, have different circles of friends, and definitely don't ever go out on the town together and do stuff, like say, appearing on a stage together singing. Oh what... you're in a duo group and you contractually have to be together all the time? Never mind, guess you're fucked then, forget I said anything.
EVERYONE IN THE CURRENT WONDER GIRLS LINEUP
Robert Palmer's models looked like fucking shit and the exact opposite of sex appeal in that horrid godawful "Addicted To Love" video and so do these girls. Only Sohee could have pulled off this atrocious look, JYP you left this shit a little late. #NoSoheeNoFap
I even saw them live so I know what I'm talking about. Someone has to balance out the hot members of 4Minute I guess, so they can be "taken seriously" by the misogynist horde lining up to slut-shame Hyuna for breathing.
I'm starting to think that "yoon" is Korean for "not very attractive to Kpopalypse". Just look at the symbol: 윤 - it looks like something that you wouldn't be able to stick your dick in without getting your foreskin caught on sharp edges. I sense a pattern forming. Speaking of which:
YOONA - Girls' Generation
Picture this. You're a young Korean male. You go to school, then you go to uni. Then you get a job in your chosen profession, meet a nice girl, get married and pump out two little clones of yourselves, a son and a daughter. You get a mortgage on a house, you buy an SUV and park it in the driveway. You keep your lawns and your front fences clean. You wave to your neighbours as they blow leaves from their driveways in the autumn. All is well in your world.
Many years pass. You gradually pay off that mortgage with your hard work at your job. You get older, and your children grow up. They go to school, then to uni. Then they get jobs and move out of home. They meet nice people of the opposite sex and settle down and have children. Sometimes they come to visit. "Isn't life great, didn't I do well", you think to yourself.
One day you're at home, it's a nice day outside but it's getting towards evening so you're indoors. You sit in your lounge chair, TV remote control in one hand, your non-alcoholic beverage of choice in the other. You turn on the TV. It's some kind of TV special with Girls' Generation, Yoona is there. You always thought she was pretty, she seems like such a nice girl. You could imagine a world where she was your daughter, she has that same sweet, pleasant nature. You watch as she narrates to the camera and prepares a meal.
Yoona smiles from the kitchen bench, looking so proud of her food preparation. She's talking to a guy, he's smiling too. There's also a small studio audience who cheer and clap along at the appropriate times. It's all fake, and you know this - after all you're an adult and a mature-age one at that, not some ditzy clueless fangirl - but that's okay, the innocuous artifice is pleasant enough. It's good, wholesome entertainment, just for you, just for your enjoyment this evening. You watch calmly as you sip your beverage, thinking about your life, the path you've chosen, and how everything has come to this moment that you are experiencing now. Outside the lounge room window, the sun sets gracefully. Such a calm evening, such a pretty sunset, such a nice girl on the TV.
The next morning, you're discovered by your partner. At first she's can't even believe that it's you, but eventually forensics confirm your identity via your dental records. She swears to the police, black and blue, that she had no idea that you even owned a shotgun, and that when she heard the bang in the night she just thought maybe a tree had fallen on the roof and she noticed that you weren't in bed yet so she figured you were up and would sort out whatever that noise was so she went back to sleep. The police ask her if you had been showing any signs of depression lately, or had any problems in your life like large unpaid debts, substance addictions or old enemies. Your partner shakes her head.
Years later, scientists study your case, and several others very similar to it that happened at almost exactly the same time on that very same evening, comparing the data with the behaviour of confined mental patients as well as results of tests with rats in different types of cages. They conclude that if the brain of any warm-blooded mammal is consistently understimulated below a certain threshold, that it triggers a mental switch where the subject ceases to value life and gives up on itself. They conclude that your fatal self-inflicted blow was brought on by a sudden overwhelming, uncontrollable sense of ennui and listlessness created by the complete lack of interesting stimuli in your environment. When they discover what was on the TV at the time of your death, the scientists nod their heads and sigh: "Yes, this matches the data. I'm amazed he lasted as long as he did".
The researchers immediately publish their findings in a well-known scientific journal, where it nets them several million won. This money comes not from anybody putting the research into use, but from SM Entertainment, who pay all those involved handsomely to swiftly pull the publication from shelves and keep the results quiet, ensuring that the net social impact of your demise is nil, and that your death, just like your life, amounted to nothing in particular.