Friday, October 11, 2013

Why the Fapgod has a seat in heaven reserved for IU

iuiiy

Imagine being IU for a moment.  I know that might be tricky, but don't worry - I'll help.

I don't mean imagine being IU right at this moment in her career, but imagine being her back in the twilight of "Nation's Little
Thinly-Veiled Sexual Fetish Object For Desperate Pedophiles Looking For Something To Fap Over That They Won't Get Arrested For Sister" days.  What might that be like?  Let's imagine.

There you are, sometime in 2012, singing and dancing to "Good Day", "You And I" and all your other mildly-received hits at some gathering of Starcraft fans or whatever the fuck it is today.  You don't actually even know what the exact event is, this is just the sixth thing your label has on your agenda for today and you don't care anyway - all you know is that you go up there and sing the twee songs that your songwriter wrote for you and act cute and entertain people.  A gig is a gig, right?

The crowd of derpy sexually atrophied nerdboys and their drooling dads who just happen to be there because you're the half-time entertainment are eating this up, you suspect not because of the music, but because you're dressed in something like this:

iu

The stares and catcalls from the rows of people who look like they have never seen a woman except for on TV before makes it feel like performing for an audience of sex-starved prisoners, but what's worse is the odour of unwashed socks and shirts - it's one thing to have to dress like a maid for these bullshit "cute" concepts, but to put up with the same workplace smells is taking things to a new level, and this isn't the first time.  Frankly, you're fucking over this bullshit.

You can't wait for all this fucking crap to be over so you can go to bed but before then you've got a couple of jobs to do, so you get down to them.  Firstly, some after-show interview where some cunt asks you the same three questions you always get asked and you have to answer them like you're doing it for the first time and pretend to be all "bubbly" and shit, something you can barely even do anymore.  There was also a really insipid photo session that you barely got through without crying.


Once that's over, it's back to the hotel to open the latest batch of boxes of postal mail from your fans that LOEN just sent over - with the kind of mentally questionable fanbase you've been attracting lately, what could possibly go wrong?


No acid-spraying postal bombs this time around, but you've never opened so many bits of cardboard that smelled like stale piss, and that one letter with the pages glued together by a mystery substance had you dry-reaching.  You probably would have actually vomited if you had anything in your stomach left to throw up, but your real diet is even less than what your character in Dream High ate, so there's no fear of that.

It's obvious that it's all these cute concepts and the "Nation's Little Sister" tag that is bringing in the pedos and making you a nerdboy psycho magnet.  You're 20 years old for fuck's sake - fuck this shit.  You're no dummy though - you know that there's a pot of gold in this and there's no way the label is going to let you stop doing this shit until you turn about 30 and can no longer pull off the cutesy look.  Fuck waiting that long - you'll be hanging from a rope long before that eventuates.

The solution to preserve the last fragments of your decaying sanity is obvious.  You get on the phone to your good friend Eunhyuk from Super Junior - you're not feeling so good, a visit might make you feel better.  So might taking a photo together, "accidentally" uploading it to Twitter and completely blowing the shit out of your relentlessly annoying public image in a way that no label's PR department can do anything about.

iu02
I used this image because it's marginally less scary to look at than the real deal, okay?

LOEN and SM release the statements that you and everybody else knew they would.  They do their best to exert damage control.

iu01

However, their influence only goes so far.  Meanwhile, you don't say shit to anybody.  You wait and cross your fingers.

Months go by.  The crazy letters become crazier and full of heartbreak... "how could you do this?" etc... and then a wonderful thing happens - the absolute hardcore crazies stop writing.  You still get correspondence from concerned fans, but nothing creepy like before.  It's actually fucking working, these unwashed pedo freaks are leaving you alone.  Also, LOEN doesn't know what the fuck to do with you anymore so you get to go on a little hiatus from schedules while they work out exactly how they're going to rejig your image, it's not like the old style will still work.  They're talking about sexing up your image a bit but they're still trying to figure out exactly how.  Great, you get a break and when you come back might get to wear proper adult clothes for once, that'll be nice.

While this is happening, a new kind of letter starts arriving in your mail.  Here's what it looks like, with minor variations:

iul copy

You don't know which groups are sending you these, but every time a group discards their usual "cute" concepts for a "sexy comeback", you nod and smile to yourself - you know why, that glazed-over expression in their faces is all too familiar, it's wasn't so long ago that you were in that place.  Surely the next one of these letters has to come from APink - they seem to have resisted longer than most.  Perhaps they secretly like it?

Oh well, that's their problem.  In the meantime, it's time to be happy.


The moral of the story: whether you find IU sexy or not, IU is quite possibly the root cause of all the sexy comebacks in k-pop lately.  Thank you, IU - if my make-believe scenario has even a grain of truth in it, the Fapgod has a special seat in heaven reserved for you.  He'll even wipe it before you sit down.

43 comments:

  1. from what i gathered though iu and hyuk had a relationship that failed miserably cause he played her

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    1. //ignores point of article

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    2. It's okay, she's with Gain now.

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    3. I deliberately didn't talk about if I think IU and whatshis face actually got it on or not, because it wasn't relevant to the point I want to make and I also assumed nobody would give a fuck either way.

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  2. >WRITING A BLOG WRITING A BLOG WRITING A BLOG
    reading this article while listening to modern times was a good idea
    every "s" in the fake fan letter looks like an "a" real talk
    starcraft bit made me lose my shit
    AOTY

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    1. Thanks!

      When you're a psycho maintaining your typewriter in pristine condition isn't a priority. Does make it easier for the cops to trace your stalker letters though.

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  3. I don't like your implication that IU isn't pure as freshly driven snow. I'm sure there is a completely good reason for why Eunhyuk was topless in that picture. I can't come up with one myself, but I'm sure it exist.

    I am glad this completely innocent misunderstanding happened though because the fallout from /vg/'s SC2 generals was absolutely beautiful.

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    1. Call me naive but the record label's explanation that he could have been wearing a singlet actually didn't sound like complete bullshit to me. Who knows though. Does anyone really care? If they got some yay for them. I never understood the fuss.

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  4. Now is Suzy, will you write an article for her? Since she's dating too
    Who's jiyeon bf??? Because is IU and suzy are taking it she must be too... You know peer pressure

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    1. I'll see what I can do but no promises about Suzy. It's hard to get inspired to write about someone so plain and uninteresting. She'd have to get a machine gun and slaughter a bunch of dudes before I'd consider her newsworthy.

      Give me a few minutes, when Jiyeon doesn't have her mouth full I'll ask her for you. I was always curious about that too.

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    2. "t's hard to get inspired to write about someone so plain and uninteresting" - Kpopalypse, in the comment section of an article about IU, the very definition of boring.
      Oh the irony ! haha

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    3. If IU is the very definition of boring, what's Busker Busker?

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    4. suzy didn't mature well at all, she's a fucking giraffe now

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    5. I never liked her then or now. I seem to be in the minority though.

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    6. Well I'm with you in this one. I never understand what's so attractive about her. And her horrible acting is another major turn-off for me.

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    7. Suzy is reasonably cute, at least she's not as criminally overrated as Yoona is. Still can't understand why Yoona is so highly rated in Korea...........

      Regarding whether Jiyeon is dating.....does she have a driver's license? If she does, then Cyclop is more than likely to be riding some dicks. It's the worst kept secret in Kpop that meeting up with their dates is the biggest motivation for idols to get a driver's licence.............

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    8. I've never seen anything from Busker Busker, so I can't judge them.

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    9. Then you don't truly know boredom.

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  5. I don't think anyone here cares bout iu now that t-ara is back

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    1. Pretty much, yes. However there was already a T-ara post. I'd rather tackle something that someone else isn't.

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    2. lol sry

      anyway do you actually like IU's song?

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    3. I liked it. I thought the rhythm section didn't quite fit (they should have gone for more of a big band style like the rest of it instead of a fast rock beat), but the rest of it is great. Excellent chorus, probably the best song that IU's songwriters have come up with.

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    4. ...... I Really Don't Like Her
      ...... The Story Only I Didn't Know

      IU is much more interesting than T-ara. The only advantage they have on her is accessible pop & 6 members.

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    5. Those are two pretty big-ass advantages. 6 members means six times the potential shit to write about.

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    6. yeah of course, that's the basis behind the concept of an idol group. the reason I don't buy into it is because there will always be members of a group that I don't like whereas a solo artist can be subjectively perfect (dfc mother fuckers).

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  6. I miss the days when you could get offended by the very notion that female idols even understood the concept of penises.

    now some rapper sticks his throbbing manhood in Sulli's bumhole and everyone forgets after a week. it's just not fun.

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  7. Your posts always makes happy. I literally cackled at the anonymous letter. Thank you.

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  8. Your posts always makes happy. I literally cackled at the anonymous letter. Thank you.

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    Replies
    1. Cheers. Happiness is what my blogs are (secretly) all about. :D

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  9. And this why I like sexy comebacks. Unlike japan who are sexually repressed as fuck mainstream wise

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    Replies
    1. Japan bring more sex into their MVs than Korea by a long shot.

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    2. Japan has porn, they don't need to whore out all of their idols as much as it happens in SK.

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    3. If you are talking their non oricon vids that isn't koda the cougar. Sure, but the oricon charts have wincing. Really Mogef should smell the cum stained money of a sexy cback

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  10. OK I'm not a gamer so this may be a noob question. Why would you play the beta version? Why not just wait for full version?

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    1. The beta version is free. I have to pay extortionate Australian software prices for the full version. So it makes sense to play the beta first to see if it might be worth forking out all that dough. A resounding "no" in this case.

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    2. I see. Well it's good to know that you get your games legally instead of through piratebay lol.

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    3. I've got too much valuable por... erm, music files on my computers to be willing to roll the dice with virus-happy illegal softs. Piracy is for kids who don't use their computers for anything important.

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    4. You want to play the beta version, because you're curious.
      Why are you listening to previews of albums etc. ? Because you're curious.

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  11. Is it just me or does she look like Himchan in that first picture?

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    1. Sorry, I do that a lot, haha! Once I even thought Hyoyoung looked like Suzy. Most of the time I'm pretty confident with kpop lookalikes like JB/Yenny and Choa/Jonghoon but I alwaysfeel like I'm the only one who really sees the resemblance.
      Maybe I'm just crazy, I blame listening to too mich kpop.

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