Saturday, October 19, 2013

Dani is a perfect 10

I live in Australia, but I'm not a "patriot" (ewww gross) or a "proud Australian" (bleuuurgh), because anyone who is a "proud Australian" actually isn't culturally Australian whatsoever - they're a fake, a tryhard.  We don't even have people like that.  If you ever see a group of drunk Australians watching a sports match, and the Australians are winning, and the drunks start cheering and shouting "Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi"... those are not real Australians, they are "decoy Australians" deployed by our government to fool potential terrorist threats so they hopefully detonate the bomb in the wrong spot.  If you catch a Southern Cross tattoo on some exposed flesh that just means they're part of the "elite decoy unit".  There probably isn't even real beer in those glasses but some kind of flame-retardant liquid (or maybe it's Fosters, unquestionably not a real beer but a British beer that nobody in Australia even drinks).

taebeer
(All Fosters drinkers are about as Australian as Taeyeon in this photo)

All countries have their wacky cultural traditions (just take Korea's nutcase "keeping up appearances" bullshit for example), and one of Australia's strong and not-very-logical cultural traditions is that of backing the underdog and the loser. For example the main military action that we celebrate as a defining coming-of-age moment of our nation is not a victory but an incredibly crushing, humiliating defeat, because celebrating victories and success is for other countries, we don't do that here.  Australian school students after a test usually only talk about who had the lowest marks - saying "I aced that test" will have people saying "that's nice" but it's actually highly offensive, whereas saying "I really fucked that up" is considered more polite post-exam conversation and will gather you more friends.  We even have our own terminology for these loveable fail-happy douchebags.  The culture of celebrating failure here is so strong that not only are our failures celebrated and encouraged, but if people start showing great success and making a noise about it, they are quickly cut down to size.  The whole idea is to get everything even - boost up the failures, and take the successes down a peg.  Is this right?  Maybe not, but it's a cultural tradition that stems back to Australia's history of European settlement - "rooting for the underdog" is endemic to Australian culture and shows no signs of changing.

As an Australian, I am therefore a product of this kind of national cultural upbringing, so I always barrack for the clearly identifiable underdog where possible, just to even things up.  And you simply can't get more underdog right now in k-pop than Dani.  Let's take a look at Dani's pop culture history and see how many underdog points she can collect.

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Firstly, Dani was recruited into T-ara by k-pop overlord and figure of fun Kim Kwang Soo last year in a "I saw her across the street and even though she was only 13 I knew she was the one" scenario which probably seems charming and old-school to someone of KKS's age and Internet literacy but looks disturbingly Pedobearesque to the rest of us.  This type of "street casting" is actually pretty normal in k-pop (for example SNSD's Seohyun was discovered in exactly the same way, at exactly the same age, which nobody ever says shit about) but this didn't stop every 13-year old fangirl who secretly wished it was them being picked instead from hating on Dani anyway, and this was even before it was trendy to hate T-ara.  She's already collected +1 underdog point and she hasn't even done anything yet, so naturally I liked her before I even knew what she looked like.

Of course, then when I DID find out she looked like this:

dani2

...another underdog point was assuredly collected.  Oh, and she's American?  Throw an extra point in there, just for being from the same country as pseudo-Lovecraftian horror creation Chad Future.

A few short months later it then became really trendy to hate T-ara, what with the whole "look they don't get along perfectly 100% of the time how dare they show signs of being actual human beings with real emotions quick lets grab the pitchforks and torches" thing.  Needless to say the whole group plus their management and support staff and even KKS racked up crazy amounts of underdog status for this, guaranteeing my long-term support for all of them - and Dani of course gets another point too, simply for being potentially in the same building when this happened.

Then I was excited to find out that Dani scored an acting role in k-drama "School 2013" - wow great, I'd finally get to see my favourite most-hated k-pop starlet doing something besides being speculated about in press releases and rumour mills!  However, I was overly optimistic - try as I might, I wasn't able to sit through any episode of the ultra-trashy k-drama long enough to actually get to a part where she had a scene in it, but word on the street is that she just threw in the odd English word here and there and that her performance was...

dani3

...somewhat lacking in the subtleties required of TV drama.  I didn't know that this cheesy, superficial, morally vacuous "let's pretend we care about the hot issue of school bullying to get some ratings but offer no insight into the real problem or any workable solutions" bullshit TV show had such exalted standards but whatever.  +1 underdog points for you, Dani.

Then T-ara had a comeback with Sexy Love, and it was a great song, but... where was Dani?  Looks like she hasn't even been added yet.  "Gee, I hope they don't ever add her", I hear every single T-ara fan unanimously say.  So wait... not only do the T-ara haters hate her, but the hardcore T-ara fans who stuck with the group even when it was trendiest to hate them also hate Dani?  Well, fuck me if Dani hasn't collected another underdog point just by existing.

Of course, it's not like a talented overachiever such as Dani to rest on her laurels and just sit back and collect these points.  With such an impressive track record already on the boards, Dani then firmly pushed her status as "that girl everyone loves to hate" to the next level:

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Too convenient to be mere coincidence, Dani clearly researched "which American celebrity is most hated right now", came up with "Chris Brown" as a result and immediately went about forming a business relationship for the T-ara N4 comeback to consolidate the group's underdog status.  These are the kinds of networking skills that money just can't buy.  +1 for the meetup, +1 for going to Hooters and another +1 for the fan backlash against Dani when N4's pool party performance hit rock bottom faster than Sulli's underwear backstage at a Dynamic Duo concert.  Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined.

Then, to cap it all off, she recently debuted as a guest performer with the new bastardised line-up of 5Dolls (which is now called F-ve Dolls, I guess because, er, there's six of them).

(Dani's life-changing rap which is worth over 9000 Hwayoungs begins at 1:28)

Of course, now many of the F-ve Dolls fans are butthurt and wish she'd just go away, probably because they can't work up much of a fap rhythm to Seunghee before Dani appears and kills the boner.  There's plenty of YouTube comments floating around like this one, where the writer is clearly struggling with the "guest performer" concept:

dani5 copy

Meanwhile the T-ara fans don't want her either, here's a pic from the site Unpopular K-pop Opinions:


More like "popular and trendy as all fuck k-pop opinion", but whatever.

Then it was announced that Dani would be in N4 instead of the main group and T-ara fans don't even want THAT:

dani6

So another underdog point is acquired for pissing off seemingly every single member of both T-ara and F-ve Dolls fandoms combined and Dani has 10/10 points - the perfect score.

Statistically it's clear that Dani is awesome, and in fact she's awesome for the same reasons that everyone hates her:

*  14 years old and already debuted in k-pop and living the dream while you're still in school or Uni taking shit from teacher, guess it sucks to be you

*  In the most hated k-pop group ever that you wish would flop but they keep appearing on the charts and on TV and there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it

*  Obviously hasn't had plastic surgery but is up there doing it anyway, that must burn you uggzillas who looked just like her and then got PS so you could have a shot at this idol crap, guess you could have told your parents to save their money

*  Plucked straight off the street, she didn't choose the idol life, it chose her - guess it's just her destiny, unlike you, you fucking failure who will never get a break like this

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I had a cool conclusion to this blog where I was going to make a bunch of other points, but fuck it - if you'll excuse me I'm going to listen to that F-ve Dolls song another 67 times - just Dani's rap bit, because it is PURE RAP PERFECTION.


Keepin' it real, long time long time y'all.

51 comments:

  1. Read the whole post because it felt relevant to my interests!

    I don't hate Dani, but I am very anxious about her debut in T-Ara. For me, it's a "Stop trying to fix what isn't broken" thing. Their last comeback was exceptional and clearly they're strong with just the 6 of them, and the more you disturb the chemistry of a group, the more you risk another disaster. It's not Dani's fault, maybe she's really talented and I'm hoping she does really well for both her and T-Ara's sake, but judging by how No. 9 turned out, they don't really seem to need her.

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    1. The plan for Dani is that she is going to be in T-ara N4, not the main group.

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    2. Shows what I know. Also that rap was definitely much better than what we usually got from Hwayoung but I feel like that's less Hwayoung's fault and more the writing, like they have no idea how to write a rap but just had to include one because every popular Kpop song needs one.

      I likey like theeyis.

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    3. For someone who didn't even speak the language a year ago I think Dani did pretty fuckin' good.

      Hwayoung's early raps were shit but that wasn't her fault, she just did what she was told. Maybe that's why she became such a sourpuss towards the end, all those syllables a row that they were forcing her to enunciate in Day By Day were too much for the lazy hoe.

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  2. I don't bear any ill feelings toward Dani, but my reasoning for not being interested in her performing with T-ara is that she's 14. Is T-ara going to do sexy concepts and dance around in revealing outfits with a 14 year old? I'm not interested in that uncomfortable scenario. The other members aren't children any more either, performing songs with potentially mature lyrics and butt dances with a 14 year old isn't my thing. Also, I don't know, but I kind of doubt that she is currently living the kpop dream given her entrance into the group during the worst possible time. If anything, Areum probably got the short end of the stick, just joining the group and then getting engulfed into a clusterfuck scenario.

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    1. Nobody complained about Jiyeon when she was underage and singing Bo Peep - a song about fucking dudes and them killing them by sucking their livers out through the eye of their penises.

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    2. Jiyeon's a year younger than me, Dani is more than a year younger than me lol.

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    3. Still underage at that time though, AND there's mad butt-dancing in Bo Peep.

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    4. Given the closeness of our age, I would have been underage as well. With such a minor age difference, she can shake her butt at me all she wants.

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    5. Not only was she underage, and butt-dancing, and singing about ripping the livers out of guys after wiping down their jizz from her face but CCM even made her the visual. And nobody said shit.

      The way things have been going Dani's probably not going to get a look-in with T-ara N4 until she's nearly what Jiyeon's age was back then anyway. And N4 doesn't have any really raunchy moves or anything, it's not as fap-friendly as the main group.

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  3. I'm asian and I guess I have this thing as well, I tend to ( and want others to) shut up when getting a very good mark in my test during my high school years, it just comes off as bragging to me if you talk so much about it instead. I tell everyone when I get bad marks as to just laugh it off, and telling some other people that also got bad marks that they are not alone, and I believe it makes them feel less shit.

    That five dolls song (with the mv that they dreamed to be no. 1 in charts or some shit) was actually prerty good imo.

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    1. I like the new F-ve Dolls songs more than the old horrid Beyonce-clone 5Dolls.

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    2. I'm the same way when it comes to grades, I don't like bragging and being showered with praise just makes me feel uncomfortable. As long as I know I'm kicking ass when it comes to my grades, that's all that matters.

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    3. Actually when I used to do good I'd tell every cunt. Then I'd get beaten up after school. That's what happens when you're culturally taboo, heh.

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    4. I can understand rooting for the underdog, but I've never imagined it could be something so deeply ingrained into a culture, like Australia. That's really disappointing if those who put in all that effort to be #1 don't get the recognition they deserve just because of some bullshit underdog mentality.

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    5. Yeah it kind of sucks for those people and a lot of really high achievers in Australia actually move overseas once they start doing really well partly for this reason.

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    6. It's that bad? I may sound close minded when I say this, but I thought white people tend to be more logical, I mean the number of atheists and all, it's quite shocking to see something like this actually exist.

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    7. No race has the monopoly on stupidity. And who says Australians are all white people?

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  4. This whole article is completely true. Coming from a fellow Australian, the "underdog" way of thinking is definitely how the majority of Australians think, compared to the completely ridiculous stereotypes so heavily present throughout the media. As far as "Southern Cross" tattoos go, my friends and I consider them the mark of being a douche-bag, which is fairly accurate in the area we live. Personally, I really like Dani, imagine how boring "Will You Love Me" would of been without that little break in it. I'm not saying it's the greatest rap, but five/5/f-ve dolls or whatever the fuck it is this week are far from the greatest group to grace the K-Pop world, whatever help they can get is worth it. When it comes to her appearance, she isn't anything amazing but I have a feeling that she'll look somewhat like Yoona/Krystal when she gets a bit older, and we all know how Korea likes that look. She'll be fine as long as she works a bit more on her (already impressive considering the conditions) Korean and Performance skills.

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  5. Pure rap perfection? Are you trolling or is dis real bizniss? Seriously, I can´t tell.

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    1. Actually I can't speak Korean so I wouldn't know how good the rap is, but it's definitely the highlight of the song. To be honest it's not even technically speaking a rap at all, because she's actually pitching all the notes - it's singing with really fast syllables.

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  6. ewwwwww it looks like seungri get it awayyyy

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    1. I predict a Dani/Seungri sex scandal in 10 years. Or maybe 5.

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  7. My problem with Dani is that she's 14 and Borma and Qri are 27. They shouldn't be in the same group. Dani should be put in a new group where she actually has a chance to succeed.

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    1. She's not going in T-ara though, but in N4, which Boram and Qri aren't in.

      It's possible she may land in T-ara anyway to fill shoes if another member doesn't renew their contract, but the other members would be crazy not to renew at this point so I'd say that's unlikely.

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  9. Despite the announcement that Dani will join N4, I kinda doubt we'll see that sub-unit again.

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    1. Don't underestimate CCM's ability to bring back things that nobody ever thought were coming back, they've been quite good at that lately.

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  10. I just don't want kids in my K-Pop groups.

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  11. If Dani's trying to sing-talk-rap then even DARA is better than poor Seungri will ever be (both seungris).
    Seriously, she cannot dance and she cannot rap.
    More training needed, perhaps.
    Nayeon is cute.
    And to make f-ve dolls work, CCM even added in a member of The Seeya. How desperate is that.

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    1. Good for a 14 year old tho. At 14 I was still picking the crusties out of my ass and doing "Smoke On The Water" with buzzy half-formed power chords.

      Which one's Nayeon?

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  12. Her face looks odd, she's probably in the midst of her awkward stages in puberty. This is why there shouldn't be underage kids in kpop they all look awkward as hell ( I'm especially looking at you leehi and gp basic)

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    1. I find the awkwardness and ugliness refreshing in the vid. There are all the F-ve Dolls girls, completely nipped, tucked and playing straight to Korean schoolgirl fetish jizzland just like Apink and After School and everybody else, and then Dani crashes the party with that dorky face and giraffe body and it's like "okay, this is something different now". The smallest difference is a breath of fresh air in a genre where everything is the same.

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  13. LMAO! You know that Leeroy Jenkins guy in the screen shot? He's a regular troll on Kpop videos and even impersonated someone's account after they argued with him.

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  14. dani moves like a clumsy ogre in the five dolls video o___O

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    1. The fact she's dressed differently doesn't help, it makes the differences in her movement more noticeable, but then I guess they couldn't put her in F-ve Dolls' fap-friendly fetish-wear.

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  15. I'm happy with this post 100%. But what I don't get is why does T-ara's management keep making all of this freaking drama and then get upset once it hits the fan in the public making it literally impossible for anyone else who wants to try to make it better to get a break. T-ara's a great group, and I do agree with stop trying to fix what is already broken, and the fans in my opinion need to calm down because it's not like she's trying to take over. They need to at least give her a chance. And if T-ara/ T-ara N4's management get too much heat then have Dani be a solo artist or in their next group, or just keep her because she is pretty awesome. This is just my opinion.

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    1. All I see is both T-ara fans and anti-fans being whiny little bitches and CCM management being really compliant and trying to please everyone. Fans complained about Hwayoung being in the group so CCM kicked her out - she wasn't pulling her weight anyway. Antis wanted T-ara to sod off for a while so CCM sent to them to other countries. Fans then said they didn't want Dani in T-ara so T-ara's management didn't put her in T-ara. You can't ask for more than that jesus fucking christ. Seriously CCM people must come to work each day check their SNS and go "oh god, what do these fucking spoiled fans want THIS time".

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    2. And I agree. It seems as if T-ara fans are getting more and more demanding and I won't be surprised if pretty sure their management went "Okay you know what! If you fans think you can manage T-ara better than we can, do it!" From all the stress.

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    3. I started reply to this and then it started turning into a mini blog so I thought "no I'll save that thought for a blog" and then I deleted it. I won't do it soon though - enough T-ara content from me for now, next post I do will be something completely different. Probably. FYI.

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  16. I still can't get over the song's lyrics including shit like "love me long time". Always makes me laugh.

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    1. Dani's next guest vocal appearance: 2 Live Crew

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  17. This explains why Hyogre gets so much support from i-fans. DAMN YOU AUSTRALIA.

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    1. Also, I don't hate Dani as a person, just like most other fans I just don't want to see 6-ara ruined again. I don't see where she's ugly either, she's got an average face that'll probably look pretty good all made up. She's just gangly and awkward.

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    2. For the 10 millionth time on this post, she's not going in the main group but in T-ara N4.

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