Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Join Caonimas, the Kpopalypse fandom - or don't

It seems more and more people are becoming fans of Kpopalypse, and naturally I'm very flattered.  I got quite a few questions recently about if I have a fanclub, and what it should be called, etc. so to fulfill demand in the official absence of any such thing, I've decided to make my own official fandom, the Caonimas!



Fans of Kpopalypse = Caonimas

The history of the phrase "Cao Ni Ma" in k-pop comes from Sulli.  Support freedom by supporting Sulli, and be thankful for her contribution to the Kpopalypse lexicon.  Here is a picture of Sulli teaching my English readers how to embrace the way of the Caonima.


Fandom colours

Colours are very controversial in k-pop, you can't be too careful these days about choosing your colour correctly or you might just pick someone else's colour and that groups' fandom will have a big old cry and mail you a bunch of toilet paper.  This could be useful in countries where toilet paper is expensive, but where I live I get pretty good deals on bulk-buying toilet paper so I will do my best not to step on any sensitive toes and pick my fandom colours appropriately.

Colour 1: Shiny Jizz White

Colour 2: Pink Areola Dark

I wanted to pick colours that really captured the spirit of what it means to be a Caonima, and I think that Shiny Jizz White and Pink Areola Dark really represent what my fandom should be all about.  These colour samples were created with the help of JAV actress Hitomi Tanaka and Photoshop's useful crop and resize facility, so you can be assured that these colours are 100% accurate.

Fandom lightsticks

It's important to get a unique-looking lightstick, because once again you can't be too careful - copying another fandom's lightstick could lead to immense butthurt.  Fortunately, these prototype Caonima lightsticks in the two fandom colours don't look like anything else in the k-pop fandom right now and shouldn't create any butthurt whatsoever - at least, not if using the correct water-based lubricant.


These exact models and colours may be difficult to find, so feel free to improvise and make your own!

Fandom code of conduct

We all know it's true - behaviour is a big problem in k-pop fandoms, with many fandom members acting like such a bunch of worthless cunts that even the groups that they idolise can't fucking tolerate them.  Therefore, I feel that a virtuous and robust moral code is essential.  All Caonimas seeking moral guidance are strongly encouraged to take up the faith of Rainaism.  Clicking the divine Raina below will lead to my Rainaism post that will help you learn more about this fascinating religion.


The rules of Rainaism can certainly be a bit murky and contradictory at times, but feel free to do what followers of any other organised religion often do and just cherry-pick the parts of the religion that suit you the most and discard the rest.  Just do the world a favour and don't blow anyone up or wave around any embarrassing signs saying "Raina hates fags" in my name, thanks.

Fandom activities

Approved Caonima activities to increase your Caonima Unit of Numerical Trufax include:
  • Reading Kpopalypse's writing
  • Fapping
  • Not believing every piece of bullshit you read on some dicksucking k-pop website
  • Reading lists with dumb activity suggestions in them
Anyone achieving a score of 100% has certainly achieved true Caonima status, but if not don't worry, you're all already at least 50% of the way there!  Truly, my fandom is one where no Caonima is left behind.

Fandom mascot

That Sulli clone already got given the boot from Berry Good and Minx have been suspiciously quiet as well with no follow up tracks, so who knows how long they will last with their current lineup.  This means that f(x)'s Sulli remains the One True Caonima mascot for now.


Just like Coke, Jim Dunlop Cry Baby and Fleshlight, the original cao ni ma is the best.

Fandom OTP

We all know that fandoms like their One True Partnerships.  Are you as a Caonima looking to ship Kpopalypse with someone?  I suggest shipping me with the following people, in the following order of preference (from "ship most likely to come in" to "shipwrecked"):

Fandom hypocrisy

Last but not least, all fandoms need to have some outstanding hypocritical and stupid behaviour about them, or they're not really fandoms.  Although I don't think I can match the stupidity of SS501 fans, I can at least be a bit meta-hypocritical:


Yes he is, Thoughtful Raina!  I get called a hypocrite at least twice a week by just about everyone for reasons that run the full spectrum from "you like Apink" to "you don't like Apink", so it's become a label that's firmly in my comfort zone and I'm quite happy to run with it.  It's lucky for me that my writing doesn't need to be ideologically consistent for anyone to actually read it, hey.

Anyway, that's all from me - now you know all the secrets to becoming a Caonima!  Feel free to start your own chapters, forums, cafes, form cliques, haze each other, and so forth!  Have fun and drive safe kids!


  1. Reading all of this, I have deduced the supreme OTP: Kpopalypse and Tanaka Hitomi's tentacle-raped mom.

    1. Ahhhh

      You have some explaining to do, oppa!

    2. The lonely tingle kitty lol

      Let's see how you measure up

    3. That's one hell of a brutal buttplug.

  2. In a surplus of devotion, I also agree to everything Kpopalypse says ! Anything less is beneath a true fan.

    1. This means that you have contravened the ruling of "not believing every piece of bullshit you read on some dicksucking k-pop website" (my own) and thus are only 75% caonima

    2. That's common for any religion: love your enemy - they kill the heathens; religion of peace - bomb the infidels...So I follow your advice and cherry-pick whatever I want, ignoring the part you mentioned. I'm only being consistent, prophet-oppa!
      Wait, did I just disagree here?

  3. Hahaha that Raina pic. I love the attention to detail on that holy book.

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  5. I heard somewhere it costs money to officially join a kpop fandom

    1. I tried to officially join S<3NE Japan but they wanted to charge me. Screw that.

  6. Show us a picture of your actual girlfriend, and I will consider shipping you two. 보여줘..보여줘

    1. If I remeber correctly the last time I asked Kpopalypse what his girlfriend looked like he said a curvy Wednesday Addams

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  8. LMFAO at the lightsticks. Consider me a caonima

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  10. I love the color of the shiny jizz. But why not combine both?
    Shiny jizz on Dark Pink Areola?

    1. Well if they were all waving lightsticks of both colours at a concert that's exactly what you would see.

  11. The light sticks are so hilarious. LMAO!

  12. I fell of my chair at the light stick part