Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Girl Group Wars Round 1: Twice vs. Pledis Girlz, April vs. Sonamoo

Ready to dominate.
Welcome to the first round of AKF's Girl Group Wars! The intro post can be found here, and remember you can always follow along with the bracket here. Voting opens now and closes in a week. Let's get cracking!

Twice vs. Pledis Girlz

I have never felt more pity for a group than I do for Pledis Girlz at this moment.

Twice




These JYP juggernauts are coming into this competition as first seed, and that's no coincidence. What they lack in vocal talent, they make up for in visual appeal and general cutesiness. Their latest comeback, Cheer Up, was the undisputed song of the summer and keeps making a re-appearance on the charts, and their debut, Like Ooh-Aah, had an original concept, and you don't see that shit every day. Also, I find 6 (the blessed J-line, Tzuyu, Nayeon and Jihyo) out of their 9 members actively interesting and/or attractive. Not too damn shabby.



Both of their title tracks are enjoyable and catchy as all hell, and most of the rest of their music is at least bearable, with the exception of Do It Again. God, I fucking hate that song.

Honestly, I don't need to write a lot here to justify this group's dominance. They do that themselves, as evidenced by this blog's extensive coverage of their fancams. If it weren't for their complete lack of vocal talent (which, I know, doesn't really matter in pop music, but I'm trying to have some integrity here), I would give them a perfect 100. As it stands, they're starting this round off strong with 60 points for 6 hot members + 20 points for each of their two good title tracks - 15 because none of them can sing for shit = 85/100.

Pledis Girlz




Last seed, as they technically haven't even debuted yet, PLEDIS Girlz is severely disadvantaged by their terrible name and the fact that they chose some APink-style bullshit for their pre-debut song. Also, there are 8 members in this group, and that's not even including the 2 future members who are currently all tied up with I.O.I. activities. You know what? Ten members is too fucking many.

On the plus side, though, some of these girls are kind of hot, and there is a lot of lesbo-tinged hand-holding in this video. Also, apparently the Girlz wrote this song themselves about their struggles being trainees for twenty billion years (approx). That's cute! I can respect that! Also, someone commented "Wow seriously RIP Twice..." on YouTube, so obviously PLEDIS has this one in the bag.



Look, there are so many members that they have to have some of them sit on random chairs. And there's going to be even more of them! Jesus. Can't believe Pinky is doomed to this fate.

Nonetheless, there are some good things about this group. 30 points for (allegedly) writing their own song + 40 points for the fact that some of them are hot - 10 points for too many fucking members - 10 points for the name + 10 points because I feel bad for them = 60/100.

Alright, time to vote:

Which group do you prefer?

Twice
Pledis Girlz
Family Quotes


April vs. Sonamoo

I don't think it ought to be, but I predict this one will be close.

April




You know I like our 8th seed, April if I can forgive them for jacking DSP's attention and contributing to Kara and Rainbow's untimely death. Why have these ladies earned both my forgiveness and an 8th seed position? Because Tinkerbell is one of the only cute concept songs that I actively enjoy. Damn, I love this crap! I don't even feel the need to justify myself here. This song is a bop.



I am always loath to pass judgment on cute concepts because I recognize my strong anti-cutesy bias. But, this video is ...weird. Them all fawning over this Skeletor-looking white boy is inexplicable, and him pushing the one girl up against a wall is Not A Good Look. Their other song, Dream Candy, is fine though! Good for you, April.

Also, I am not going to comment on anyone's attractiveness because many of them are underage and I'm not about that life. Suffice it to say that I think Naeun has Seolhyun-level breakout potential, and Jinsol has a smile as cute as Sejeong's. In addition, I approve of the fact that they limited themselves to a very sane five (formerly six) members. Take note, Cosmic Girls. Another strong point in April's favour is their incredible mascot, Sawori, who has been extensively and hilariously covered by AsianJunkie.

In summary: 40 points because Tinkerbell is my jam + 10 points each for Naeun and Jinsol + 30 points for Sawori - 5 points for Muah!'s weird video - 5 points because Dream Candy is meh = 80/100.

Sonamoo




Ninth-seeded Sonamoo have tried just about every concept in their quest for success. Their latest, a dogwhistle-heavy attempt at a cute concept, got a lot of flack for being boring and unoriginal (including on this blog). HOWEVER, it has been stuck in my head for a week, so you have to give credit where credit is due.

Plus, Nahyun and Euijin are hot, and let's not pretend that isn't a major factor. But what of their other songs?



Oh, no. Okay, this is a half-decent song. But the English is sooooooo bad. "Feel so what, touch that guy, feel so tight, day and night?" Dear heavens. "He's like cushion"? Get me out of here. In fairness though, everything else about this song is great! As for Deja Vu, all the YouTube comments are boy-band fangirls talking about how this is the only girl group song they like. That's about all you need to know.

So how does that add up? 25 points for I Like U Too Much + 25 points for Cushion - 10 points for Cushion's lyrics + 10 points each for Nahyun and Euijin - 10 points for Deja Vu = 50/100.

Alright, time to vote: 

Which group do you prefer?

April
Sonamoo
Sage Quotes


And that's a wrap! Tune in next week for Red Velvet vs. Cosmic Girls/WSJN and BLACKPINK vs. Gugudan, and to see Round 1's results!

27 comments:

  1. Maybe change the url title, since only the first two are headlined?

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  2. "contributing to Kara and Rainbow's untimely death."

    not sure if you remember Sojin from Baby Kara...

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  3. Laugh all you want, but I had a hard time choosing between April and Sonamoo.

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  4. BlackPink in your area...

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    Replies
    1. Hell no. Fuck off YG locked dem deep down in the dungeon while i'm here laughing my ass off at the line becuz blackpink will never be in my area TT. WHY YG WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  5. If he is "like a cushion" then MAYBE he is not into girls.

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  6. Pledis reminds me of an American tampoon commercial.

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  7. When Sonamoo first debuted they received nothing but shit from BAP fans and others were calling them knock-offs from other boy groups. I guess now that BAP is back they're allowed to like them now.

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  8. I like all of April's songs where as Sonamoo couldn't get more average if they tried. As opposed to most people I love cute concepts because they always have better songs.

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  9. why are you giving a handicap (assuming I didn't read and understand your calculations wrongly) to pledis girls? They aren't gonna win even if you give them an advantage you know that.

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  10. 1467 votes in the in Twice vs Pledis Girls, with Twice losing by a 2/1 margin. 1000 of those votes for PG in a single day. Nope, nothing suspicious here at all.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, somebody obviously cheated.

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    2. "Also, someone commented "Wow seriously RIP Twice..." on YouTube, so obviously PLEDIS has this one in the bag." Truly a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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    3. The result after one day should be used, before the hack occurred.

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  11. I actually prefer Pledis Girlz since Minkyung, Pinky and Nayoung are hotttttt.

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  12. Pledis Girls smashing Twice? Definitely not rigged, %100 accurate.

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    Replies
    1. Also, J-line & Nayeon vs no hot girls in the other group is pretty easy vote.

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    2. Also, J-line & Nayeon vs no hot girls in the other group is pretty easy vote.

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  13. I threw in with Twice and April. Pledis Girlz needs more music before I can consider them for this serious competition, and I went with April because I think they fit and feel more comfortable with their concept than Sonamoo does with theirs. Plus all the shit you posted, I guess.

    Please forgive me, Nahyun.

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  14. "Both of their title tracks are enjoyable and catchy as all hell, and most of the rest of their music is at least bearable, with the exception of Do It Again. God, I fucking hate that song."

    HAVE YOU FORGOT THIS?? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_RLMDZsuI4

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  15. Nope. I genuinely voted for Pledis Girls. You don't really need a hack. There are a lot of people who don't really like Twice, or simply preferred to see an upset, therefore voted for their opponents. :p

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  16. I voted for PG even if i don't get the poit of making a vs of the girl group who dominates the market and a group who hasn't even debuted (and is not going to be called Pledis Girlz by the way)

    I love both Twice's title tracks evento if they can't sing them, but Do It Again is fucking trash, i really really hate that song.

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