Friday, August 12, 2016

The Kpopalypse Fandom Insanity Scale

With the emergence of YG's new girl group Blackpink who in true YG fashion have debuted a cool, casual 32 months behind schedule, curious caonimas now wish to know what I think of their fandom.

blackpinkq

However, I wasn't sure that answering this question was a good idea.  Kpopalypse blog has always been about teaching k-pop fans to think for themselves rather just go along what what's trendy or accept what some dickhead on the Internet spoonfeeds them, even if that dickhead is me.  So rather than just answer these questions simply, I thought - why not give readers the tools to determine by themselves exactly how insane any given k-pop fandom is?  Enter the Kpopalypse Fandom Insanity Scale!


Step 1: I've devised a series of sixteen questions, that will determine exactly how insane your fandom of choice is!  Please do your best to answer them honestly and candidly!


1. COLOURS

Does your fandom have a colour?
  • A - Yes
  • B - Yes, and other groups should try to pick a different colour
  • C - Yes and other groups should try to pick a different colour or we will send toilet paper


2. LIGHTSTICKS

Does your fandom have a special lightstick?


3. FANCHANTS

What does your fandom chant sound like?


4. FANDOM NAME

What is your fandom name?
insanefans1


5. FANMEETS

How does your fandom behave at fanmeets?
  • A - polite and respectful
  • B - slavering and Zerglike
  • C - attention-whoring nutcases with daddy issues


6. FANDOM RELATIONS

How does your fandom feel about other k-pop fandoms?
  • A - we love them because we're united by k-pop
  • B - we're obviously better than them but it's okay, we stay out of each others' way
  • C - LETS GO GET EM, TEAM


7. SONG QUALITY

What is your fandom's opinion about their chosen idol's songs?
  • A - the good stuff is great but there's also some meh songs that I don't care for
  • B - I like everything my idol does
  • C - clearly my idol's songs are superior to all others and if you don't care about them all you are objectively wrong


8. VOICE QUALITY

What is your fandom's general opinion about their chosen idol's vocals?
  • A - honestly I couldn't pick my idol in a blind listening test, and besides, don't they all use Autotune anyway?
  • B - my faves are obviously the most vocally talented
  • C - I'm going to start my own vocal pedagogy ranking/thread/forum/website/shrine to prove to you all that MY bias is best (no links provided because let's not encourage this cancer)

insanefans3


9. AGENCY MATTERS

How does your fandom feel about their idols' agency?
  • A - who cares what company they're with, I just hope the idols get to make money and have a sleep-in occasionally
  • B - my idols are with the BEST agency and if you don't like them you are a dirty hater
  • C - I love my idols but their agency needs to listen to the fans more because us fans know more about how to run an agency than managers who have years of experience in artist management and nuanced knowledge of the inside business world that is completely hidden to us, WHY WON'T THEY LISTEN TO US


10. INTERNET CONDUCT

How does your fandom's community leaders behave on the Internet?
  • A - pleasant and nice
  • B - psychotic and controlling - to their community
  • C - psychotic and controlling - to their idols


11. SUSPECTED DATING

Your idol is seen with another idol of the opposite gender, could there be dating happening?
  • A - who the fuck cares
  • B - I'm sure something is going on but it's not like I can stop it
  • C - I'm sure something is going on and it's not like I can stop it but GODDAMN I WILL TRY MY HARDEST FOR OPPA


12. ACTUAL DATING

How does your fandom respond to news of their idol dating?
  • A - I'm happy for them
  • B - I guess I'm a little heartbroken but tomorrow is another day
  • C - I'm going to translate eight different sets of article comments about this breaking non-news so all the English speaking fans can see how that slut should have stayed away from oppa
insanefans2


13. GROUP TENSION

How does your fandom respond to news of inter-group tensions?
  • A - slight disappointment but hey, shit happens
  • B - denial followed by deep depression
  • C - pick a side in the dispute and throw stones at the other side, despite having no insider knowledge of what really happened


14. JELLY SNACKS

Your idol is caught in a drug scandal!  How does your fandom respond?
  • A - oh well, it's the music business *shrugs*
  • B - my idol seemed so pure, I'm devastated
  • C - drugs are harmless and besides he never did it before it was just this one time the press release said so and you can trust those


15. CLASSY-SEXINESS

Your idol is caught emulating the men in Gain's music videos - in real life!  How does your fandom respond?
  • A - Gosh that's a bit messed up, I hope he didn't do it
  • B - I really believe he's innocent, after all the court let him off and courts in Korea aren't sexist or culturally biased in any way
  • C - KEEP THE FAITH, ALWAYS


16. OH&S COMPLIANCE

Mysterious bruises start appearing on your idol's significant other!  What could be the most likely explanation?
  • A - obviously, he beats the crap out of her
  • B - they just train dance together really hard
  • C - those bruises are clearly makeup, she's after his moneyz!
insanefans4

Step 2: Count up all the answers that you gave, using the following system:
  • for each answer A - allocate 1 point to your fandom
  • for each answer B - allocate 2 points to your fandom
  • for each answer C - allocate 3 points to your fandom

Step 3: Use the following guide to find out how batshit crazy your fandom is!


16 points

You're such a sad, desperate psychotic fan that you're willing to lie about your fandom's virtues on a stupid Kpopalypse test just to feel better about yourself.  Please answer the questions again, this time honestly.


17-20 points

Congratulations, your fandom is probably reasonably normal.  If I were the supreme dictator of the planet, I may consider allowing your fandom to exist on some kind of limited basis with strict curfews.


21-25 points

Your fandom is potentially wasting oxygen that others could breathe.  Consider leaving this group of crazies before you get sucked as deep down the rabbit-hole as they are.


26-30 points

How do you sleep at night, knowing that your fandom is this insane?  Only with a body pillow of your idol, obviously.  Seek professional medical attention.


31-35 points

Humanity didn't crawl out of the caves just for you to be part of a contingent of dickheads like this.  How must your parents feel?  You haven't stabbed them in a ritual sacrifice to oppa, have you?


36-40 points

How are you still even reading this far?  Don't you have people to stalk?


41-48 points

There is no hope for you, your fandom or humanity in general.  It doesn't matter what any of us say or do because we are all doomed.  Might as well vote Trump 2016, fuck it.



Now you know exactly how crazy your fandom is!  Sweet dreams and stay safe until next post!

jiyeon_eunjung_hyomin_5

14 comments:

  1. I haven't read the rest yet, the answer for the first two questions already is "I don't even know". lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lightsticks and colours are dumb anyway.

      Delete
  2. I pretend fandoms don't exist 98% of the time, so this just reminds me they do and now I'm sad.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I pretend fandoms don't exist 98% of the time, so this just reminds me they do and now I'm sad.

    ReplyDelete
  4. All fandoms are shit. There's always both okay fans and shit fangirls in every fandom, and no one is safe.

    I missed your articles, kpopalypse. For the past few weeks I haven't visited AKF as much as I used to because I thought AKF was completely run over by some shitty YG fangirl.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so glad to hear that, I love ruining things for people

      Delete
  5. What is your opinion on someone posting their opinion but hiding it as a question in case you destroy their blatantly stupid opinion?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you're playing hide and seek, you're technically not "hidden" if someone knows where you are.

      Delete
  6. i just like to stan groups, i don't even give a fuck about fandoms minus the graphics they make. actually, that goes for almost all fandoms. including television and anime as well. theyve been nothing but trouble for me, every one of those bitches.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Honestly I know that I don't have a leg to stand on here because I am literally a blogger BUT -- who has time for that shit?

      Delete
  7. Honestly, what fandom isn't horrendous

    ReplyDelete
  8. Some nugu group fandoms are okay.

    ReplyDelete