While my bias list has changed a little, it hasn't changed all that much. I especially don't feel the need to update it every time a new girl group emerges... new groups tend to take a few years for me to find someone in them who actually makes an impression, generally because a lot of the debuting girls don't have much character to their faces at such a young age, so don't expect any inclusions from recently-debuted groups here. The "your mum" jokes that I drop here and there in blogs and my ask.fm are something that I do because they have a grain of truth to them - if you're about the same age as most of the debuting idols, I'm far more likely to bias your mother than the average girl in a k-pop group.
Of course that doesn't mean that I don't have biases, so let's get right down to it and list them for your entertainment! Unlike previous bias lists, this one will be completely video-centric, and restricted to videos from live performances, TV and fancams, rather than official MVs (where it's easier to fake certain elements). Note that only current k-pop idols are listed here - people who cease to work in the field of k-pop are no longer eligible for inclusion. Let's take it away with:
THE KPOPALYPSE 2016 BIAS LIST
1. Raina (After School/Orange Caramel)
Raina's #1 position in this list has never really been under any serious threat, and the only thing that could bump her off the list is if she stopped participating in k-pop. Not much fear of that yet however - sure, Orange Caramel and After School have both been about as active as Qri's mole-removing cream over the last 18 months, however Raina herself has still been busy, collaborating with every shitty Korean rapper in sight doing incredibly pathetic soft-ass hip-hop ballads.
Just as well for me because crappy music usually means less sudden movements on stage and therefore makes perving at Raina a lot easier. Several caonimas have observed that I tend to like "chipmunk" faces in k-pop idols, and this is certainly true of Raina. Another advantage that Raina possesses for bias-list purposes is that in 2016 she still looks like Raina, something that definitely can't be said of many stars in the ever-transforming world of female k-pop idols.
2. Eunjung (T-ara)
Eunjung continues to look ridiculously attractive. The long hair she's been rocking over the last 18 months definitely doesn't suit her, but that's the sort of shit that can be easily overlooked in the face of some sexy pirate cosplay, a recurring Eunjung theme.
Eunjung's general cuteness and wider frame compared to most Korean idols (compare her shoulder span to anyone else on stage here) are what keeps her high on the Kpopalypse bias list, she seems like an idol that I could fuck without having to stop every 30 seconds to ask if I had broken a pelvic bone.
3. Hong Jin Young
Trot singer Hong Jin Young comes in at #3 and marks the first list-shuffing for 2016. Delight are hotly rumoured to have imploded, signalling previous #3 bias Jaewon's probable departure from k-pop, and the Three Caonimas are no more - both f(x)'s Sulli and Berry Good's Subin have left k-pop completely, whereas Minx's Ji-u is still active but somehow doesn't look very Sulli-ish anymore. This leaves room for advancement as Hong Jin Young moves up two places on this list.
Hong Jin Young's facial features scream out plastic surgery louder than just about any k-pop idol I've ever seen, but unlike a lot of other examples in the k-pop realm, the surgeon definitely did a good job here. Plastic surgery detractors always say "it doesn't matter how nipped and tucked you are, your kids will still look ugly", but I was going to pull out and do a Seungri anyway.
4. Puer Kim
Puer Kim gets to move up in this list as well, and it's not difficult to gauge the enduring appeal of k-pop's Tura Santana who even has the below interviewer speculating on her "femme fatale" nature (watch below from 11:03).
The interview also has about 57 different euphemisms for Puer's amazing rack:
- "first impressions" = tits
- "blessing from god" = tits
- "it's a characteristic that makes me, me" = tits
- "my mother said I was sexy ever since I was young" = she grew tits before everyone else
5. Qri (T-ara)
F-ve Dolls'/DIA's Seunghee has now exited the realm of k-pop and is therefore ineligible, meanwhile Sunny has been demoted and Qri moves up. Why is it so? The answer is better technology.
As the video says "we do not approach Qri from the basis of tools, we approach Qri from the basis of engineering principles".
"You cannot achieve anything, in any business, in the absence of high-caliber people (like Qri)". Qri's 2.0 manufacturing meets required standards.
6. Sunny (Girls' Generation)
Sunny's 2.0 upgrade however hasn't been as effective, as it mainly focused on her face which really didn't need any improvement and thus the result is a small retrograde step.
Not that the rest of her needs much improvement either however. Even trashy Korean media thickears Dispatch were still able to determine the "best moment" in the above video.
7. Park Jimin (15&)
I went searching for a bunch of hot videos of Park Jimin but all I found that was any good was this "shipping" compilation where she's paired off with some guy from GOT7.
Oh and this other one where the whole of BTS are low-key drooling over her. As they should. But yeah, she's not big on the fanservice as usual, life remains tough for Park Jimin appreciators. I would pay her good money to see her donning the outfits in the second half of Pocket Girls' "Bbang Bbang", but it'll probably never happen unless a variety show makes her do it as an ironic joke (make it happen, Saturday Night Live).
8. Minkyung (Davichi)
Crayon Pop's Way has been removed from the bias list completely for health and safety reasons, whereas After School/Orange Caramel's Lizzy has physically wasted away to the point where her bias position has suffered. Maybe she really is "naturally skinny" or whatever, but it's interfering with my fap. This means that Davichi's Minkyung moves up.
Some quick "research" of Minkyung revealed that she doesn't even sing much anymore but just appears in endorsement after endorsement. Everyone was happy that Davichi left MBK but what the fuck have they even done since? CJE&M just seem to be sitting on their hands and collecting the cosmetic company money, at least MBK made them put out a song occasionally. Mind you as long as I still get my Davichi POV porn I don't think I care whether they put out another song or not.
IU hates you and would probably kill all of you if it were legal. She might have gotten a little of the angst out of her system with "chat-shire" but IU still has to be a performing seal for nerds, witness her bringing the baby-doll aegyo for a bunch of hard and sweaty FPS players in the below video.
The poor woman. She's in hell.
10. Hyoeun (Stellar)
For my money, Stellar is "Hyoeun and the three other girls". That's because I actually went out with Hyoeun for a while.
Okay, so it wasn't really Hyoeun, but damn she certainly looked like her, imagine a slightly shorter Hyoeun with bigger boobs. We met over the counter many years ago when I was working a government job. She started very obviously flirting with me (i.e so obvious that even my relatively inexperienced self at the time could tell) so I asked her out and she said "well, you know where I live, my address is right on your computer screen, why not come over?". So after work I turned up at her doorstep, which gave her quite a shock. I asked her why she seemed surprised - she said "I know I invited you but I didn't actually expect you to come", and I was like "well, it would have seemed a bit rude not to have". She let me in anyway. We talked for a long time, she wasn't just attractive but had a great sense of humour as dark as my own, and it didn't take long for the relationship to progress.
On one of our first meetings, she confessed to me that she was a prostitute and a heroin addict. I said "okay". She said "I hope you don't hate me". I didn't, I gave her a hug instead, while she cried on my shoulder. Having already been active in the music business for a few years at this point, I'd met plenty of both before, so this news didn't really concern me that much. I was more upset about the Leonard Cohen CD that she had on repeat which nearly had me reaching for the drugs myself, despite the fact that I didn't take them (and still don't).
She was a nice girl but her addiction was always in the background, making things weird. One time after an enjoyable bedroom session, she said "I'm going to do something now, which involves this teaspoon - you can watch if you like, but if you don't want to see it, I understand". I declined the opportunity to be a spectator, but in retrospect I should have said yes - I hadn't seen many drug casualties at that point in my life and didn't know how important it was to not let people shoot up alone. Another time I left her house and accidentally left $150 on her bed just because it fell out of my pocket. When I remembered the money, I raced back to get it, thinking to myself that as a prostitute by trade she's going to take it the wrong way, thinking that I left the cash there deliberately and that I was dropping the hint that I'm just another one of her clients to her. I went back to her house, picked up the money and she wasn't offended at all but said "that's a shame, I would have happily spent that".
One time I was at her place and her ex-boyfriend rang up. I'm not sure what he was saying to her but it was an argument of some kind and she was in tears. After about five minutes of her sobbing while he yelled at her I decided that I'd had enough of listening to him tear strips off her self-esteem and I hung up the phone on him. It probably wasn't the right thing to do, but her mood improved straight away. The week after, we broke up - she told me that she was getting back together with her ex. I was bummed out but we mutually agreed that it was fun while it lasted and perhaps we'd see each other again one day.
A couple of months later, the phone rings - it's her. She's crying and says that she'll be moving to Queensland with her ex to start a new life. She says that she hopes to kick drugs completely over there, but that she's still addicted for now, and so is he, but that they plan to make a fresh start. I told her that this sounds great and why is she crying? She told me that she just wanted me to know. I never saw her again... until Stellar debuted. I'm glad she's doing well health-wise, although she probably makes less money now.
HONOURABLE MENTIONS BECAUSE PEOPLE WANTED ME TO EXPAND THIS LIST TO 20 GIRLS
11. Lizzy (After School/Orange Caramel)
Despite looking like a cancer patient these days her cute face still gets her over the line.
12. Gain (Brown Eyed Girls)
I can watch JAV all day and I'm like "just fantasy, meh" but when I watch Gain's videos I slowly feel like I'm being brainwashed into becoming a rapist.
13. Yooa (Oh My Girl)
Depending on the styling, makeup and lights, she can look like a fairy from the boob kingdom, or E.T - but I'd still phone home all over her face.
14. Chanmi (AOA)
I'll take Chanmi's "would give you a quick handjob behind the bike shed" vibe over the rest of AOA's perfect, primped supermodels any day.
The girl rapped about her own tits. That's got to be worth something.
16. Choa (AOA)
Impressive weight gain has advanced Choa to the upper echelons of AOA fap. If she's been padding it's with hamburgers and chocolate cake - the right way.
17. Hyomin (T-ara)
One day as a teenager my mum asked me "have you met a nice girl yet?" and I replied "why would I want a nice girl?" She laughed - she thought I was joking. It wasn't until a decade later when I dated ten Hyomins in a row that she understood.
18. Yezi (Fiestar)
Check her out in the "Apple Pie" video where all the other girls grin wide-eyed but Yezi refuses to do more than a slight smirk because she doesn't want to blow her newfound "fierce" image. Any girl who hates aegyo is probably on my level.
19. Jiyeon (T-ara)
The hypnotising power of the cyclopoean eyebeams compels me to reserve a position here for Jiyeon.
20. Rainook (Bloomy)
Yes I know her real name is Jiyun but "Rainook" is more accurate - a perfect cross between AS/OC's Raina and Rainbow's Jisook. Spam her over at Asian Junkie to confuse IATFB's penis.
That's it for the Kpopalypse bias list! I'll leave you with this clip of Rainook so you can observe her some more. Until next time, caonimas!