Wednesday, June 10, 2015

T.O.P's Ominous Instagram Posts (#BROKEN)



I've heard from somewhere that T.O.P of BIGBANG has a weird fetish for interior designing or whatever, but he sure isn't hiding it. Subsequently, I begin to question my life choices. I do remember previously unfollowing T.O.P on Instagram because of his annoyingly frequent, non-sensual updates that crammed my homepage with utter bullshit that probably has some deep inner meaning that I'm way too dumb to understand. Heaven knows why I decided to follow him again a few days later. Looking at the bright side though, this gave me some material to write about so fuck it.

Now I shall the uncover the mysteries behind some of these Instagram posts using the power of #OreoMonsterLogic.

Tell me what you guys make of these pictures in the comments below.

(Warning, a lot of what-the-fuck-ery coming up).





Exhibit A:

Sexual Innuendo?
My totally valid analysis: I'd say this picture talks about the dangers of being overly horny. How? I shall explain. So let me tell you what happened to the poor man in the above picture who is a victim of sexual abuse(?). The banana in his mouth is fairly obvious imagery of a blow job (Hey Sindsoron, you just got yourself some new material for COCK: homosexuality). The man who was getting the blowjob got so turned on that he started fucking the other mercilessly in the eye (hence banana in eye). But he didn't stop there - oh no - he continued to fuck him in the ears and lastly in his head. However, now only one thing remains- the banana cover sitting on the man's head. This signifies the man had come and emptied out his white (with me so far?).

My conclusion: T.O.P is warning us about being too rough during sexual activity, as it could result in terrible, terrible consequences. We patiently await reports about the above man's current health.

Also, this 'Gilles Barbier' guy seems to have a weird obsession with bananas.


Exhibit B:


Oh, it's a...trapezium.
Now don't go telling me 87,120 people like math, because I wouldn't believe that for shit. Especially if its #yoloswag Big Bang fans (aka VIPs or whatever) who are probably dropping out of school and smoking pot with their friends all night e'rry night.

My conclusion: T.O.P is probably telling idiotic VIPs to stop kissing G-dragon's ass and start studying so that, you know, they can have a future(?).

Also, I have googled 'Agnes Martin'. He is, apparently, an abstract painter. Also. he's dead.

Moment of silence for him...

And on to Exhibit C:

An orgy, perhaps?

My analysis:
  • Multiple digit sex can result in you becoming a black deflated balloon
OR
  • This 'Ateliar Van Lieshout Body Sofa' is so spacious, you could have an orgy of 6 (or 7?) people on it. Aka advertising. 
My conclusion: It's probably just advertising.


Exhibit D:

Oh it's a... something.
The real question here is WHY DOES THIS SHIT HAVE 98,940 LIKES? Ugh, whatever. Let's get down to business.

My analysis: Well, the clue here is 'Secret messages'. This is all that's written. So what is T.O.P trying to tell us?

Calculating...

Calculating...

Calculating...

My conclusion: It's probably a picture of his penis with a considerable amount of B&W filters.

(Are you impressed so far with the #OreoMonsterLogic or what?)

Exhibit E:

(My personal, uh, 'favorite').

I don't know if I should be turned on or creeped out.
My analysis: First of all, what the fuck. Second, I think this talks about how when people do these nude photoshoots they're only thinking about the benefits they'll get out of it, aka money. Hence the smirk face. Or something. I don't know, I think I overused the power of #OreoMonsterLogic and now I'm just bullshitting.

My conclusion: T.O.P says money is not worth selling your body for. Why, aren't you a saint.

Other works by Paul McCarthy:
Oh man, I'm so using this from now on.

Well that marks the end of the first episode of #BROKEN. Anything you want me to break down using the #OreoMonsterLogic? Feel free to leave your requests in the comments!

I would like to sincerely thank T.O.P for leaving these wonderful messages behind his Instagram posts, truly an idol to look up to. T.O.P is using his position as a K-pop idol to send inspirational messages to the fans instead of 'Yolo' and whatnot. We can clearly see that T.O.P is trying to improve the mentality of his already fucked over fandom, and no matter how futile his attempts may be, I will always stan him for trying his best.

Now excuse me, I gotta go unfollow T.O.P on Instagram.

7 comments:

  1. I'm unfollowing TOP right now. So, this is why I never see the Nutaz rapper's posts, or those from Jaekyung's dog.

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  2. So far I fucking love this new author ; OreoMonsterLogic ftw

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  3. Ew! He's into contemporary art! What a faggot!

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  4. Cannot unsee.... What the fuck was that? That first picture is gonna haunt me forever.

    Very entertaining article, tho, keep'em coming!

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  5. I think T.O.P. just has a lot of feelings.

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  6. God damn that last picture. My eyes are bleeding and my brain is melting.

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  7. art is subjective. he's studying it. he likes it. big whoop :)

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