Who should I stan more, Jessica or Taeyeon?
A quick update for those not up to speed: Girls' Generation's main singers Jessica and Taeyeon got along swimmingly back in the days of their iconic k-pop group being a nine-piece... or maybe they didn't. As the group became more successful they gradually started living apart and bullying each other as all groups do but it surely must have all come to a head when Jessica decided to start her own fashion label Blanc & Eclare. The other eight members and/or her label SM Entertainment picked up on this new startup business venture as an obvious exit strategy, decided that Jessica wasn't being a team player anymore and shuffled her ass out the door post-haste. Girls' Generation's long run since debut days with no line-up changes now over, the group continued on under Taeyeon's leadership as The Hateful Eight of k-pop with shady, acrimony-tinged songs levelled at Jessica to match, while Jessica concentrated on filling China's skies with pollution through making endless pairs of overpriced sunglasses and denim skirts probably in an attempt to contribute to Asia's yellow dust plague and make the remaining members of Girls' Generation become sick from industrial poisoning and miss schedules. The barely-concealed hate between Jessica and Taeyeon ever since has been ever-present. Taeyeon's been obviously bitter as fuck, being a #kimchisneakybitch wherever possible and pouring scorn over everything and everyone that gets in her way. Meanwhile Jessica marked the anniversary of her departure from Girls' Generation with a Blanc & Eclare sale, promoting it on social networking with her now iconic catchphrase "just because".
However none of this answers the important question - who is more worthy of support from Kpopalypse? Since k-pop is all about selling products, I figure that the idol most worthy of support from the masses would also be associated with the highest-quality products. However here I faced a couple of challenges in this Endorsement Test:
- I wouldn't have a fucking clue what Taeyeon endorses these days
- Unlike AKF I don't have wads of American dollars lying around that I can blow on Jessica's sunglasses just for troll timez
Finally something related to Jessica that fit within my paltry musician's budget! Surely Jessica wouldn't endorse anything of sub-standard quality, so I figured that this chocolate bar would be the best Kit-Kat quality on the market today and thus a fine candidate for Kpopalypse Endorsement Test.
Now I just needed a product associated with Taeyeon, so naturally her being the #kimchisneakybitch I went to my local Korean butcher and asked for some kimchi.
Don't ask me why a butcher stocks a vegetable product like kimchi, I have no idea - but where I live, they do. Right next to the kangaroo of course, because this is Australia, cunts.
What could be more Australian than this? Not only do they stock kimchi, they're pretty proud if it, as I discovered. If there's one way to make a Korean person working at a Korean butcher in Australia happy, it's to be Kpopalypse and ask to buy kimchi. The first time I ever bought kimchi from here the butcher's eyes lit up as she talked enthusiastically about how "this is the best brand of kimchi in Korea" or somesuch and basically totally convinced me that my tastebuds were going to be blown away by this amazing taste sensation.
I'm sure she had no vested interest in me buying kimchi whatsoever but was just being an objective professional and Korean gourmet connoisseur, so I will take her on her word that this is the best kimchi in Korea and thus able to represent #kimchisneakybitch Taeyeon in the most positive light possible.
Of course, I don't doubt my own ability to be swayed by k-pop Internet culture and potentially provide a result coloured by my own bias, so the next phase of the test was to acquire some testers who could be relied upon to be completely objective and neutral, and allow them to sample both goods:
TESTER #1 - Kpopalypse's girlfriend
If there's one person I know who does not give one single flying fuck about anything k-pop related, it's my girlfriend. I played her Girls' Generation's "Gee" once a while back and she thought it was total garbage, she was hating it that much that I didn't even have the heart to make her listen to all of it. (In retrospect I probably shouldn't have introduced her to k-pop via a video that only became viral mainly due to its high levels of cloying cheesiness rather than the song itself but oh well.) She wouldn't even know who the fuck Jessica and Taeyeon are, let alone anything about Girls' Generation, and her blanket response to any k-pop music that she happens to overhear is generally "what the fuck is this shit, more fucking k-pop?". This of course makes her a perfect candidate for a test that requires the participant to be as unbiased as possible, as it's pretty much a guarantee that she hates both Jessica and Taeyeon with equal measure just because they are associated with k-pop and for no other reason.
My girlfriend took a bite of the cabbage and chewed it thoughtfully for about ten seconds. "Tastes like fermented ass", she said.
"What would you rate it out of ten?", I asked.
"I would rate it 'fermented ass' out of 10".
A response worthy of my ask.fm! However she knew that I wanted a numerical rating, so I waited and after about another fifteen seconds of thought she declared "I'll give it a 2".
"I'm surprised, that seems a bit generous" I said, noting the unpleasant expression on her face.
I then threw her the Kit-Kat.
"Is this a reward for eating the kimchi?" she asked.
"No, I actually want you to rate this too."
She ripped open the packaging and took a bite. "Can I change my score from before?"
"Okay, let's give the kimchi a 1 instead... and I'll give this a 4."
It is clear from these results that Jessica is superior to Taeyeon... BUT, every test needs a second opinion to ensure pure objectivity and lack of bias.
TESTER #2 - Kpopalypse's cat
My girlfriend asked me before I did this test "you don't want reaction shots, do you?"
"No... that's my cat's job!" I replied.
It was time to get my cat on the case. How would she react when presented with kimchi vs the Kit-Kat? I presented her with both objects separately to see which one she gave the fuck about the most. Cats have a very keen sense of smell so there was no need to open the packaging, they know if what's inside interests them. The cat reaction videos are below.
My cat seemed somewhat perplexed by the kimchi and vacated the area after only about 20 seconds to do other cat things. Clearly a poor performance.
The kit-kat fared somewhat better, and was able to hold my cat's attention for nearly a full minute before she went off to do cat stuff.
My girlfriend and cat both agree that clearly Jessica is superior and thus more deserving of positive attention than Taeyeon. Nobody can deny the results of these completely objective tests. All readers feel free to go forth and link this incredibly solid proof post in your internet arguments etc. Have fun, kids!