Tuesday, February 18, 2014

[MV Review] Sunmi - Full Moon

Sunmi makes a comeback after surprising me with 24 Hours last year, and in my review, I had nothing but positive superlatives to throw at 24 Hours. Will that be the case with Full Moon? Well, you have to read this very long MV review after the jump.  Lots of videos and gifs, so be forewarned about how big the article is.

On a cold, cold day in January, Sunmi was in the practice room polishing up on her moves for the choreography of Full Moon. Thoroughly drenched in sweat, Sunmi plopped to the floor, falling on her back amidst heavy pants here and there. She turned her head to the right and looked up at the clock, seeing the minute hand approaching 12. "Damn, it's already one in the morning," said Sunmi in English for some fucking reason. After having spent the past 12 hours working on her choreography, Sunmi knew that JYP wouldn't be a monkey-lord-asshole and make her practice anymore for the day. "I need a fucking shower," Sunmi said, blurting out another line in English. Sunmi didn't know how she suddenly became fluent in English while losing any ability to speak in Korean, but hey, she didn't give a shit. It probably had something to do with her becoming a vampire.

After Sunmi had returned to her dorm, she had to wave off her manager oppa, whom kept on insisting that he go inside and make sure it was safe in case some sick son of a bitch was lying in wait inside Sunmi's bathroom. "Oppa, that's just a shitty excuse. You just want to see me in the shower, don't you?" The manager just flipped her off and skidded the tires of the van as he dashed away. "Oh well," Sunmi said as she finally entered her dorm.

Sunmi walked to the bathroom and flipped on the switch. Everything started going in slow motion as she grabbed the bottom of her shirt and pulled it up over her head before tossing it aside. She reached back and unhooked her bra, throwing it to the ground. Now in just her leggings and underwear, Sunmi sat on the floor and started removing her leggings very slowly like Jolin Tsai did in the Love Player music video at 2:30 in.

After imitating her sexy jiejie, Sunmi finally removed her panties and hopped in the shower. However, according to Korean dramas, females only wash their faces and shoulders, so she probably still reeked of sweat after that shower.

After having taken that shower, Sunmi hopped on her laptop and went to NetizenBuzz because she seemingly forgot how to read Korean. She knows that she made a huge mistake by reading this article, but curiosity got the best of her.

"Man, why the fuck do I need to be sorry towards the Wonder Girls? And why should the other members be pissed off at me?" thought Sunmi as she was reading the comments. "For fuck's sake, is it my fault that I had the foresight that our gorilla CEO was going to fuck us over? No, that makes me fucking smart, does it not? The other members could have left the group if they wanted to. And why do some of these UCHOs think that I didn't study. The Real CZ oppa, who is so awesome and shit, even translated an interview of mine where I explain that shit. Not everyone needs to study for 8,000 fucking years, you fucking UCHO."

A week later, the teasers had come out, and Sunmi once again read the comments about her in this article. "Okay, obviously commenter number one is just some fucking fruity faggot who is butthurt that I got an education and still promote my music. Sorry that you're having a hard time in remedial math, you fucking retard, but don't throw your insecurities at me. And for fuck's sake, some of these dumbfuck turd nuggets need to read akisame's vocal faggotry article because you don't need to vocally masturbate in every song like Ailee and Hyorin to be a good singer."

About a week later, Sunmi read the comments in this article. "God fucking damn it, if I keep reading these comments from these retards, I'll probably become retarded myself. No wonder the Chinese and Japanese knee grows look down on us. I don't understand what the fuck commenter four is saying. If I didn't have star potential, do you think JYP would have kept me in the fucking company? Aside from Suzy's activities, 24 Hours is really the only thing keeping JYP afloat. Damn this faggot should just insert a spiked dildo up his urethra."

A few days ago, Sunmi read the comments in this article. "Wow, I guess the retards didn't come out to play today."

While sitting in just a white t-shirt and her underwear, Sunmi recollects back on how the whole vampire concept arose after she got done reading these NetizenBuzz articles because she knows flashbacks are the laziest way to actually fill in all of the gaps of the story.

Sunmi was boarding a plane at the Incheon International Airport, taking a flight to Virginia to go to Mystic Falls, where there seems to be a shitload of vampires these days. While flashing back in a flash back, Sunmi recalls talking with JYP about wanting to be a vampire so that she could fuck with her antis because she was tired of their shit. When JYP asked Sunmi what she meant, they flashed back in a flashback within another flashback to Sunmi reading all of these comments shitting on her. After all of the flashbacks within flashbacks, Sunmi finally reached Mystic Falls and found Damon and Stefan.

"Hey, can you guys cut out the gay, sappy love story shit and not get me involved in this love square? Just make me into a mother fucking vampire so that I can go back to my business. I need to avoid Sam and Dean because I don't want to be fucking killed right after receiving my powers. And if you two faggots don't hurry up and turn me into a vampire, I'll call Sam and Dean myself and tell them where you vampiric homos are located. I don't want to have to deal with those knee grows."

After a scene more drawn out than G Gundam's Shining Finger scene, Sunmi finally becomes a vampire and heads back to Korea, where JYP and Sunmi meet with Brave Brothers to come up with Full Moon.

JYP and Sunmi were sitting across from Brave Brothers at a table discussing the song. JYP spoke up "How about you give us another one of your stock songs that sounds similar to everything else you have done in the past two years aside from Love Options, because the song can't be too good. Make it good enough that people want to actually listen to it, but have a lazy composition where the only changes you ever really make in the song are taking away the percussion instruments here and there."

"That sounds easy enough to do," Brave Brothers said as he opened up his laptop and revealed his long list of 500 base instrumentals that all sound eerily similar to each other. "I just need to spend about 15 minutes editing it and then we can record the vocals."

Sunmi looked perplexed, having WTF written all over her face. "Hey hey hey you UCAADs, 24 Hours was jjangbak, we need to follow up with something just as awesome!"

"Shut the fuck up," JYP replied. "As your punishment, we'll force you to feature an idol rapper in the title track."

"Ugh, why the fuck would you do this to me?!?!?!" Sunmi shouted as she rose out of her chair. "What made 24 Hours so great was the fact that there wasn't some throw in rap break from some UCAAD who can't even rap. Are you trying to fuck me over? Do you think that it's fucking funny?"

"Bitch, please," JYP uttered as he got up, revealing that in fact he does wear those plastic pants wherever he goes. "You'll be featuring Lena from the upcoming girl group."

"But why? AKF hasn't written all of the methods of how to be an excellent Kpop idol rapper, so her training is incomplete," Sunmi retorted.

"Sunmi, we are some broke ass UCAADs. We're not even in the Big 3 anymore because of my dumbass decision to send the Wonder Girls to America. The new girl groups needs some public visibility before they debut, and featuring in your song will be a great starting point," JYP explained.

"Man, fuck you. At least make sure the rest of my album is jjangbak," replied Sunmi as she sat back down.

Days later, after having found out where one of her antis lived, Sunmi had her manager drive her to the apartment of her #1 anti along with a filming crew. Sunmi burst inside the door and found the anti jacking off to weird shit as if he were Gates from Full Metal Panic: The Second Raid (probably doesn't work for those of you outside the U.S.). The anti had a shocked look on his face as Sunmi eyed his boner.

"Ah, this is going to be fun," said Sunmi as she bared her fangs. 
"You were the cutie of all cuties!"

Sunmi carried the guy to the house you see in the music video and everything you see in the music video happened a few days after Sunmi bit the guy's dick, draining his blood. After being out for a few days, the guy finally regains consciousness, just to have Sunmi bite him in the neck, starting his transformation into a vampire.

While the anti is recovering, Sunmi starts doing some sexy dances, just to prove to this asshole that she is sexy. 

"Do you still not find me sexy?" asked Sunmi as she took a break from her dancing. The guy just shook his head 'yes' as he lifelessly gazed at Sunmi. "Well, all I have to say to you is..."

After the anti turned into a vampire, he became the biggest Sunmi fan ever. The end.


  1. I liked the instrumental, but it kinda gets pretty boring after a minute.

    And yes the rapper ruined it big time

    1. You gotta admit though... She's fappable. :P

    2. aside from the awkward english phrases, i liked the rap.

      JYP songs are so lacklustre for me 'cos it's just the same beat all the way through, but that lends itself well to rap and i thought that fitted the track better than the rest of the song. and it broke up what's already been said is a kind of boring song.

      oh, and that outfit is fucking hot.

      also, i like how Sunmi demonstrates her grinding prowess. no wonder that guy's in a wheelchair.

    3. This is a Brave Bros song btw, not a JYP one.

  2. These comics are even better than I could have hoped for.

    1. And to think I almost didn't have any comics because I didn't think I would be able to draw the picture of Sunmi biting a dick.

  3. The rapping was terrible. It was like having Amber in the MV. I'm curious as to why Sunmi has to open her mouth when she dances. Getting ready for some D?

  4. the song is definitely just another Brave Brothers 'Alone' rehash, but Sunmi worked with what she got.
    The MV is awesome, and the choreo is good (they have a different choreo for the live perf).
    She made up with it with her mini album tho.
    Frozen in Time is going on my baby making playlist, for sure.

  5. This is quite literally the best thing I have ever read.

    1. Thanks haha. This took about 4-5 hours to write, so you have to appreciate Kpopalypse oppar writing articles around this length regularly, because it does take a while to make long, quality posts.

  6. lol this shit is funny, you need to do this more

  7. Glad I'm not the only kpop fan who watches the Boondocks still.

    1. I only watched a few episode about ten years ago (or whenever it started airing), but I always thought some of the lines from that show were hilarious, like "bitch nigger".


    2. I was only 9 when it first aired, So I had to be careful lol.

  8. I really like the song. but as always rap was unnecessary.
    However, the chick Lena, her legs were really nice.