Friday, March 28, 2014

Fanfic Fridays: Beyond Repair

I don't read fanfiction, at all. Even if it's lesbian fanfiction about Ailee, Yuri and Eunjung licking whipped cream off of each other...


Actually... I might just read that.


But that's not it... I'm making a conscious effort to go outside my comfort zone. Faaaar outside of it. So far that scientists have spotted me and declared me as a new star. “DUCH231.” Look for me about 3 stars left of Orion's Belt. I'll be flashing my titties.

I... am going to read fanfiction.

Only the first chapter, and only those “popular” on asianfanfics.com or recommended to me. These are chosen regardless of my interest in the topic as I secretly love self-torture.

I will be documenting my experiences here for your enjoyment, you sick, disgusting bastards. I know you like that. I'll get you. I know where you poop. I DARE you to laugh.


I ventured on that road less travelled and entered AsianFanfics, clicked the Popular button and chose the first one that didn't require me to do something like subscribe, because I ain't got time for that shit...

“Beyond Repair”. Tagged with angst and kidnapping. Nice.


In hindsight, I didn't put nearly enough filters on my poster.

I began by reading the description.

...including those closet to him...”

Fuck. I couldn't do this. What was this shit? Does he have a bunch of closets just ready at a moment's notice to help him? I didn't understand, but I still carried on.

The foreword was painful. The plot, if I can call it that, felt very cliched. The writing was uninspiring and I SWEAR TO HYOSUNG'S RIGHT TIT, if I see another romanized Korean word like, “oppa” or “dongseng” I will track this author down and lobotomize them. With my nail file.

But I still had to read the first chapter. Have mercy on my soul, I hadn't reached the first chapter yet. I was in mental anguish, the words crossing together as my eyes shifted in and out of focus. I quickly scanned over the chapter. How long was this? 5 pages?


The first word: HYUNG!
Dammit.

I tracked down the author quickly and shaved off a nice piece of their verbal cortex before returning to the chapter. Yunho apparently had a nightmare. I knew this because the author was kind enough to state it instead of writing a description of the horrors that he dreamt. Because come on, who needs descriptions in storytelling?

I continued reading, imagining such wonders as hot water from the shower “pelting” objects at him. The author indicated he was satisfied by this. I chuckled.

The biggest crime this story had was being entirely too mundane. This fanfiction was nothing but dialogue and actions. I've read scripts that described things better than this mess did. Yunho crossed the living room, but all I knew about that place is that it's “somewhat messy”. Care to describe that? Maybe point out empty take out boxes on the floor or the jizz from his last fap session encrusted in the couch? I shouldn't have to guess!

How old was this author? I suddenly regretted taking that chunk of their brain. I felt dirty, like someone who just punched a baby in the genitals. I shouldn't have done that. My heart felt heavy with guilt as I read on.

Changmin had been kidnapped.
Because he was too talented.
My guilt disappeared.

The author described him as “the complete package”. I winced at the obvious fangirl mentality oozing it way into the crevices of this tale. I wasn't even halfway through and yet my mental defences had begun to crumble like the dried jizz that the author DIDN'T say Yunho left.

Perfection

I quickly read through the rest of the chapter, eagerly awaiting it's eventual conclusion.

Hiding behind the bed was a skinny male. He was crouched down, as if he were hiding.”

I died a little inside. There's was so much dialogue between this victim and the police. So much boring dialogue.

I blacked out.
3 hours later, I awoke.

What was I doing? I looked at my monitor and saw that staring at me. Jesus fucking Christ why did I choose that photo?

The victim was revealed to be Changmin, which in hindsight erases some of his perfection by giving him the verbal competency of a 9 year old boy. I'm not sure what the author's references were but I am slowly becoming more certain that they are 11 years old themselves.

The rest of the chapter was useless drivel. The author set up for the second installment by having everyone get in a car and drive to the hospital to see him after getting a call from his sister. I couldn't be arsed to give even half of a damn.

Comments

Uhm...

I...

Well...

I don't get it.
I honestly don't understand. I was hoping that by the end of this I would have gained some insight into the world of the fangirl and her fanfiction but I am simply more confused. Is this what passes for good in this realm?

My conclusion is that this story would be great in a primary school student's creative writing class but for someone like me who would like a bit more in my fiction intake, it just doesn't satisfy.

My search for a great fanfiction still continues.

27 comments:

  1. Trust me, trying to understand fangirls and what goes on in their minds is even harder than trying to understand horse on crack. My friend asked me to read fan fiction, and I was curious as to whether there would be something interesting to read, but all I saw was basically male idols having gay sex, gay fetishes, gay dating, getting kidnapped by aliens and then getting gay raped. Literally, I sat through around 10 stories before I got so sick of reading the same stories with different idols and fans crying for the silliest of reasons. That same friend of mine is a hardcore UKISS and DBSK fan, so I did happen to catch her WRITING fan fiction and posting it, and wow. Just wow. I can't comprehend what goes on in her mind. Really, she writes so much about gay romance and gay sexual intercourse. Then again, I'm not surprised since she's always ostracized in class and probably has never had a boyfriend.

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  2. Kpopalypse oppar should be a fanfic teacher

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    Replies
    1. Yeah but would anyone listen?

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    2. Well, you could always open an institute of mental health for delusional fangirls and fanfic writers. Of course, if they don't listen, you could employ Bom and her surgeon Dr Choi, to change their mindset (assuming that the patients don't get mortified) and then educate them.

      Delete
  3. I think all of the people who write stories on asianfanfics share an origami fortune teller and use it to come up with plots.

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  4. Ah.. It's just that fangirls' imagination are so good, even mine can't catch up.
    Not all stories there are that bad, some are worth reading if you're extremely bored lol
    But the main lead will almost always be

    exo
    exo
    exo
    exo
    exo

    That's the boring part.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Should I take up the "EXO challenge" and try to write a fanfic with an EXO member as the protagonist that doesn't suck? Or will the mere mention of EXO put readers to sleep?

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    2. Do fanfic writers ever put EXO in heterosexual pairings where the second person isn't "you?"

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    3. Of course not - because that would defeat the purpose, which is imagining "you" with EXO.

      I like to use the "you" second-person in my own fanfics but I use it to shove people in other situations that might be somewhat less comfortable...

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    4. I've read several EXO fanfiction where the lead female is an original character instead of 'you.'
      Some sucks, but some others are good enough in a lot of aspects. That's just an opinion, though.

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    5. there are a lot of f(exo) pairings (f(x) and exo), the most popular of which are kaistal (kai/krystal) and krisber (kris/amber). i personally write kaistal and susica (suho/jessica).

      Delete
  5. I cannot express how fervently I despise character biographies in descriptions. You know, the ones that go "Jiyeon/20/Korean" and then proceed to list their characteristics like "cyclops, bully," etc. If your story is so shitty that you can't implicitly shape your character in your fanfic, you probably shouldn't be writing to begin with. Not one actual novel that I have read has a foreword with the complete description of each character, which would result in flat, static characters and minimal development. Most fics (the couple shit ones I've read, at least) base their characters solely on fandom stereotypes, which make the entire course of the story highly predictable.

    I want to see a vegan Onew. A radfem Shindong. A Suzy who runs a fraudulent investment operation. A Seohyun who has carried the burden of perfection for far too long and unleashes her wrath by embarking on a murderous rampage.

    I don't even read fanfiction.

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    Replies
    1. I'd like to read something featuring Seohyun along the lines of robots rising up against their human overlords.

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    2. Actualy I remember reading a fanfic where half of SNSD were trained killing machines or something and Seohyun killed a bunch of random soliders

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    3. Listing characters, characteristics, and relationships at the forefront is a pretty common thing in fan fiction. It makes it easier to filter out the fics that have no fap value to the reader.

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    4. @Ina That could have been Scatter's fanfic at Soshified. (Scatter used to be an author here.)

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  6. I'm currently reading a fanfiction about Qri and Eunjung. It begins with Eunjung walking in on Qri taking a bath.

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  7. I admit that I have read quite a few fanfic and what I have learned is that if you want something actually good (writing and plot wise) you need to look for the least popular, fangirls can't take complicated plot and "difficult words" therefore disdaining good stories... but if you're looking for smut just go on the M section

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  9. Why don't you review ethereal masquerade, by etherealisticity. I'm curious to see what you think about it.

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  10. the worst perpetrators of fanfiction are the ESL writers. i'm sorry, but if you cannot write properly in the english language then perhaps you shouldn't write english stories. the amount of improper formatting, grammatical mistakes, and konglish makes it impossible to get through 90% of the fucking stories posted.

    there was a random NC-17 tumblr i ran across that had a bunch of SNSD listings though and this one was pretty good in parts 1 and 2.

    http://nikeskylark.dreamwidth.org/7489.html

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  11. I've never read a K-pop fanfic where the author has any idea how sex actually works. It's usually stuff like, "He put his thingy in her thingy and peed a little. Then he took it out, put it in her butt, and peed again."

    Also, no one ever lubes up before diving in. No one.

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    Replies
    1. Wait, are you telling me sex isn't like that?

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    2. In homoerotic fanfictions, they usually describe lubing up in excruciating detail. I have yet to find one that isn't filled with awkward, unsexy details.

      Delete
  12. My favorite fanfics involve IU and Jiyeon.

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