Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Kpopalypse Nugu Alert - EXTREME EDITION

That's right cockheads, Kpopalypse is back again, and this time he's bringing to you a very special edition of Kpopalypse Nugu Alert!

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In this special EXTREME EDITION of Kpopalypse Nugu Alert, the nuguest nugus that ever were nugu will go toe-to-toe in an ultimate nugu battle of nugu nuguness!  Can you handle the extremity?

Girls' Generation - Gee

You can tell a lot by a group's name, and when your group name is not only excessively wordy but has an apostrophe in it AFTER the s, you know your career is basically fucked right out of the gate and you're going to spend most of your adult life polishing floors with a dishrag to make ends meet.  Never mind that the song sounds like a compilation of Tinkerbell's wet electronic farts, that's the least of these girl's problems and I'm sure that they gave up on k-pop by now and are flagging down passing cars for $10 blowjobs on a freeway underpass near you.  Check out the start of the video where they're all pretending to be mannequins, and they're wobbling around on their pedestals trying to be as still as possible and failing.  They had one simple task at that point and that was to just fucking be still you fucking whorebags and they couldn't even get that part right, so let's not get them to try and do anything else anytime soon, not that anyone would.  The only reason why they got Black Ocean'ed all those years ago is because nobody knew who they were or had a lightstick for them in the first place.  It's a good thing I'm here to raise the profiles of groups like this to help get them off the street because I'm such a caring soul.

YouTube views at the time of writing - nobody cares

Notable attribute - I could fap to a couple of these girls

Nugu Alert rating - high

BigBang - Fantastic Baby

Only about ten people could be bothered rocking up to this group's shitty riot scene, presumably shot on leftover mounds of dirt and corrugated iron left over from a District-9 themed backyard party.  I'm thinking that maybe the guys with the white masks are all like "get me away from this shithouse music that's playing so I can hide in your soundproof paper-mache riot trucks" and the police guys are all "nope, get back behind the barbed wire, faggot bitches".  Nobody cares anyway because this song sucks and all the group members have now faded into complete obscurity... or started making horrid yoloswag shitbirds of solo songs, same difference because nobody listens to that shit either.  I'm pretty sure G-Dag and F.L.O.P or whatever their names are this week are sitting under a bridge sharing infected needles as I type, so for fuck's sake click on this video a bunch of times and get these people out of the gutter.  Maybe if we all pitch in together they can get back on their feet enough to get a resume together and get a nice job being productive to society by stacking supermarket shelves or something.

YouTube views at the time of writing - one or two

Notable attribute - I could fap to a couple of these girls

Nugu Alert rating - very high

2NE1 - I Am The Best

There's a certain air of desperation in calling an artist "to anyone", it's like saying "we're desperate for fame as all fuck, come on, someone, anyone, listen to us... please, we'll give you money!  We'll give you money AND blowjobs, just listen!".  As it happens stroking on a few throbbing knobs is a handy side-occupation to help obliterate a few years of trainee debt plus all those expensive plastic surgery bills, and let's hope these girls are pretty good at it because nobody has heard a peep from them since this clanger came out.  It's little wonder as the intro sounds like Skrillex taking a shit in Lady Gaga's mouth and it doesn't get any better from there.  The lyrics are trash too even by low, low k-pop standards - people who are genuinely good at stuff don't have to wander around saying "I Am The Best" because their abilities are self-evident and need no pronouncement, so if you feel the need to actually call your song "I Am The Best" then you really are just jerking off in everybody's face.  Mind you I wouldn't be against the idea of sitting under Bom Realdoll's vagina in this video while she furiously masturbated and squirted all over my chin if she wasn't wearing studded BDSM clothing, the chafing from that shit is incredible.

YouTube views at the time of writing - do Blackjacks even know what YouTube does?

Notable attribute - I could fap to a couple of these girls

Nugu Alert rating - extreme

PSY - Gangnam Style

I'll definitely be accused of being a hipster for bringing this guy up.  Who the fuck even is he.  Kids these days have now gotten wise to k-pop's "get in debt quick" scam, so having exhausted every willing high-schooler in the country, k-pop labels are now reduced to scouring the streets for panhandling ex-Army vets to front their latest thinly-veiled car commercial masquerading as a pop music video.  It's a good thing that nobody has heard of this song because if something like this ever became popular and hoodwinked enough people into thinking that they were listening to something worthwhile it could signal the downfall of civilisation.  There's no fear of that though, nobody's going to listen to a z-grade clone of LMFAO's "Shuffling Up Your Ass" or whatever it's called, performed by some bored dad who decided that he's got nothing to live for and took up crystal meth as a hobby to occupy himself now that the kids are all grown up.  With a rapidly aging population in many developed countries this kind of thing may become more and more of a problem so let's not encourage it - or next thing you know the cancer will spread further and we'll have mature-age snarky k-pop bloggers popping up with horrid unfunny joke review posts, now that really WILL be the end of society.

YouTube views at the time of writing - less than your mum

Notable attribute - I could fap to a couple of these girls

Nugu Alert rating - off the chart

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That's it for another Kpopalypse Nugu Alert!  I hope you enjoyed laughing at these people who wasted their lives in the entertainment business when they should have been picking beans in a field... but don't laugh, pity them, give their videos some traffic and if we all work hard with our mouse fingers, we can make a difference to their incomes and they may soon earn their first dollar.  They'll never forget your kindness and generosity.  Everyone, let's do it.  Do it for k-pop.  Do it for Kpopalypse.  Let's help these nobodies live the dream.


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